So, Doms, is it because you are too inadequate in real life?
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Sean
We'll see.
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Hey, it was a genuine question. The only reason I can logically come up with for the dom thing, is that they're so fucked in real life that the only way they can feel good is by humiliating someone else.shy slave said:
And I'm waiting for the show, too
Joe Schmoe
Just Looking
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What is genuine about your question is the malice behind it. Have a nice holiday.
SeanH said:
Ok, I'll give you that.
If you flip the question around and ask submissive people if they do what they do because they're too powerful outside the bedroom, you might get some that say yes, it is a release from being the boss. So I can sort of see where you might think that the reverse is true and bedroom dominance is an escape from feelings of powerlessness. I've also known some people who I think are attracted to a BDSM-natured relationship for this reason, much the way that--and I gotta say it because I've been there, dated that--gamers will get into a character with rippling biceps and level 19 charisma. Know what I mean? Trying to make a fake reality when the real one doesn't seem so appealing. Those are definitely not the sort of dominant people who attract my interest, sexually or otherwise. Compensation, not so much my flavor.
T, my partner, and I both found that his dominance only worked for us when he became really self-aware, not to get too psychological about it. He's in control of when he is in control. I've tasted "domination" inspired by a bad day, a bad mood, a bad relationship. It doesn't taste very good.
I guess it comes down to, are you in control of yourself enough to be in control of someone else? If you are aware of what you are doing and what you are getting out of it, then you aren't deceiving yourself about anything and you aren't pretending that reality is otherwise.
Make sense? It really is a good question, albeit a teensy bit controversial one.
Sean
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I appreciate the answer. My problem is I have no desire to dominate anyone.I really am trying to ubderstand the rationale behind it. To me domination and humiliation of someone else demeans who they are. I just don't understand how one can express love that way.Quint said:
Singularity
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Accepting the Gift
When a submissive offers her/him self as as gift to a Dominant, the person standing over the sub , acceting that gift, is assuming an awesome responsibility. A responsibility for physical safety, the sub's mental and emotional well-being, and more.
Those who take control of another out of weakness or a feeling of inadequacy are the dangerous ones. But that is no different than the dynamics of a simple romantic relationship. It is just that the stakes are usually higher.
Being a GOOD Dom requires serious work and planning and preparation and a constant sense of duty and honor and respect for the one you hold in the palm of your hand. Anything less than that is less than the submissive deserves.
Each one reinforces the other, Dom and sub; and each one finds in the other what complements their own identity. While a D/s relationship is inherently an unequal one, it is a partnership, nonetheless.
Sin.
When a submissive offers her/him self as as gift to a Dominant, the person standing over the sub , acceting that gift, is assuming an awesome responsibility. A responsibility for physical safety, the sub's mental and emotional well-being, and more.
Those who take control of another out of weakness or a feeling of inadequacy are the dangerous ones. But that is no different than the dynamics of a simple romantic relationship. It is just that the stakes are usually higher.
Being a GOOD Dom requires serious work and planning and preparation and a constant sense of duty and honor and respect for the one you hold in the palm of your hand. Anything less than that is less than the submissive deserves.
Each one reinforces the other, Dom and sub; and each one finds in the other what complements their own identity. While a D/s relationship is inherently an unequal one, it is a partnership, nonetheless.
Sin.
Chicklet
plays well with self
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SeanH said:
There's nothing wrong with not having any desire to dominate anyone. I don't know if you're ever going to be able to understand the rationale behind it, because perhaps (and I don't mean this in an offensive way) perhaps you can't actually grasp something you have absolutely no idea about. I have a hard time understanding how someone could believe in God, for instance. That doesn't mean their thoughts about their religion are wrong, or that I think they're fucked up in some way for believing something I don't. I just can't grasp it.
I've come across a lot of people who, when confronted with my sexual preferences, start drilling me about whether or not I was abused in my childhood. I had the most fantastic parents, and a very typical happy childhood. I've never been abused by ANYONE, I just crave sensual abuse
I understand why people sometimes think that my masochistic/submissive tendancies might derive from some earlier life scars, or reflect some sort of mental problems. I think the reason these are common beliefs is that when we hear about BDSM on the news, it's always something drastic. Like a couple who kidnaps a girl from Oregon and keeps her locked in a coffin-like box as a sex slave for seven years. Those people were obviously disturbed. We hear about BDSM only when it IS abuse, because otherwise... well... you don't see a news story about how John Doe screwed his wife twice missionary style Sunday, do you? I think that a lot of very unhealthy people abuse other people, and a lot of unhealthy people allow themselves to be abused. But I think that the majority of us, like the people on this board, are just normal people who like the kink because it turns us on. I don't know why it turns me on. Why do breasts turn you on? Why do feet turn some people on? Why do some guys like blondes, and some girls only want the tall dark and handsome? Just our own tastes. And I won't understand yours, and I don't expect you to understand mine. That's when we just have to accept each other for our extremely weird (you) differences.
SeanH said:
I can dig that. The best answer I have to that is, it's what gets me off, so it would be crueler for him to deny me, right? I mean, if your girl really really really craves oral, you don't just ignore her (unless you're a sadist, but that's the point of the story), right? It just comes down to what perks her nipples. For some, it's smoochies. For me, it's a firm smack. Dr Phil says it: Know their currency. Nothing bizarre about that.
But the real question is, does she want you to dominate her, or does she want you to be dominant? It's kind of a fine line, and each has pros and cons. If she wants you to dominate her, she's in it for her pleasure and you can think of it that way. She might want to be called a slut, fucked hard and left to clean up the mess, spanked red, whatever, but ultimately it's her needs that she is thinking of and so it's easier for you to get into it, get an agenda, because you are really playing by her rules. If she wants you to be dominant, then you're in more of a pickle because it means she wants you to get something out of running the show and to be the creative, driving force, and from what you have said, that may not be how you think you operate. So I'd figger out the difference and what she really wants from you.
My experience has been that to try to explain bdsm to a vanilla is like trying to explain nuclear physics to an opera singer or a pro football player. There are a very few who understand, a few more who could understand but aren't interested, and the great thundering herd who don't have a clue.
I don't mean this as an insult to the original poster, since I don't know which group he belongs in.
I don't mean this as an insult to the original poster, since I don't know which group he belongs in.
Sierragrowl
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sexymom said:
Good way of explaining it.
seaturtle50
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Not me!
When I am feeling inadequate I just start threads that seek to demean others involved in things that I truly could never understand.
Always works to help me (continue) to feel superior.
When I am feeling inadequate I just start threads that seek to demean others involved in things that I truly could never understand.
Always works to help me (continue) to feel superior.
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graceanne
iteroticalay urugay
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Red Sonja said:Probably because you thought there were cookies here, too!?
There aren't? *pouts* Then I'm outta here.
If you bothered reading any other threads and didn't come in here being rude and not doing any research you'd know what I'm about to say.
Not all dom/mes are into pain and humiliation.
