Smoove B's Interplanetary Cocoa Love

[shereads]

Gentlemen, if you're not getting the respect you deserve from the ladies, consider Smoove B's technique. Smoove is The Onion's Love Columnist.

Girl, Tonight You Will Get Smooved

By Smoove B

Girl, if there is any doubt in your mind as to what time it is, let me break it down for you: It is time for you to get Smooved.

Aw, baby, I know that I had said some things that made you mad, but I am extremely sorry. If you just come on home, I will make it up to you. I will take you to new stratospheres of love. I will sex you wild.

To make up for all the foolish things I said, tomorrow night, I will escort you to my crib, where I will prepare for you a romantic meal comprised of succulent lobster from the finest sea. We will both eat the lobster and enjoy a side dish of rice with it. There will also be a baked potato waiting for you, and some butter for you to place upon that potato. In addition, there will be sour cream, which you may also put on the potato if you so desire.

I will also serve juice.

Then, when we have each finished eating our meals, I will lay your body down on a bedsheet comprised of 100 percent silk, which I will purchase in advance from the finest store in this city. Then, just before we freak, I will inquire as to how you like the feel of the sheets. If you inform me that you do not like it, I will travel to other cities around the world until I locate a store that sells sheets that are more to your satisfaction. Then, I will purchase those sheets and return home to put them on the bed for you.

It is then that I will hit you doggy-style.

While I am freaking you, I will whisper various things in your ear. Some of the phrases I will say to you are, "Baby, you are my everything," "You feel so good, I can't stand it," and, "Girl, ride me." There will also be candles and a CD featuring the music of Keith Sweat to create an atmosphere of unbridled romance, making you wet.

This is how you will get Smooved.

Just say the word, and we will share interplanetary cocoa love until the break of dawn. We will bump across the galaxy, exploring the known solar system with our passion. We will journey to places even the astronomers have never been. We will bump to Pluto, as well as to the moon.

When we are through with the lovemaking aspect of our romantic evening together, I will still continue to attend to your needs. If you wish a grape to be placed in your mouth, I will place one there. It does not matter whether you want a purple grape or a white grape, as I will supply myself with grapes of both colors.
If you would like to be massaged with scented oils, I will appear behind you and do so. I will make sure to rub your neck and shoulders lovingly, neither rubbing so hard as to be painful, nor so soft as to be ineffectual for massaging purposes.

Aw, girl, I want to throw you on the floor right now and ride you hard.
To summarize my feelings, I love you, and that fact is inscrutable. If you could only find it in your heart to forgive me for all the foolish things I did and said, we could take a magical voyage to Atlantis together, sailing on a caravan of love. Just say the word, and I will sting you. I will Smoove you.

All night long.

© Copyright 2004, Onion, Inc., All rights reserved. Ê

 

[shereads]

His calling card:

 

[lucky-E-leven]

New Poll - Yowsa!

Massage

Hands on, baby.



~lucky (not smoove, but damn close)

 

[shereads]

Re: New Poll - Yowsa!

Massage

Hands on, baby.



~lucky (not smoove, but damn close)

You are most fine.

 

[BlackSnake]

Actually, I'm from a older school "Turn of the lights" by Teddy P.

Now that have worked on many occations (not really knowing what I know now. They were probably ready to fuck when they showed up).

I don't know all the lyrics, but some lines went something like:

Turn of the lights and light a candle. I'm in a special mood.

Let's take a shower...a shower together. I'll wash your body and you wash mine.

I was in my early 20's with a second floor studio apartment. Cleaner than the Board of Health. Fresh strawberries and a glass sugar bowl on the coffee table. Chilled red and white wines in the frig. Stakes wrapped in 2's in the freezer. Extra white terry-cloth bathrobe on a hanger on the inside of the bathroom door. Candles and incents around the tube (clean always - no dirt rings). Pictures of musical instruments on the walls. TV off. Music on low enough to talk normally over. Very few male friends cross the threshold. No sleepovers. "You don't have to go home, but you got to get the hell out of here." It was nice. Young and old women seemed to like it.

 

[lucky-E-leven]

Got grapes?

~lucky

 

[Edward Teach]

Gentlemen, if you're not getting the respect you deserve from the ladies, consider Smoove B's technique. Smoove is The Onion's Love Columnist.

Damn. I've been outed.

Ed

 

[dr_mabeuse]

"I will also serve juice."

Damn! That's my line!

--Zoot

 

[ABSTRUSE]

"I will also serve juice."

Damn! That's my line!

--Zoot

Aw, Zoot, you're too smooothe for a line.

 

[shereads]

TV off.

You are smoover than Smoove.

I wish my ex had understood how romantic it is not to have the TV on 24/7.

 

[shereads]

I was in my early 20's with a second floor studio apartment. Cleaner than the Board of Health. Fresh strawberries and a glass sugar bowl on the coffee table. Chilled red and white wines in the frig. Stakes wrapped in 2's in the freezer. Extra white terry-cloth bathrobe on a hanger on the inside of the bathroom door. Candles and incents around the tube (clean always - no dirt rings). Pictures of musical instruments on the walls. TV off. Music on low enough to talk normally over. Very few male friends cross the threshold. No sleepovers. "You don't have to go home, but you got to get the hell out of here." It was nice. Young and old women seemed to like it. [/B]

I can't seem to stop reading this, Blacksnake. You are an accomplished Smoovester. The extra bathrobe and strawberries are both excellent touches. But the lack of dirt rings on the TV gives me chillbumps.

Here's a bonus Smoove card just for you:

 

[Clare Quilty]

His calling card:

I preface this by saying that I doubt if anyone who reads this board will have the foggiest notion as to who I'm about to refer...

http://www.auctionphotobank.com/upload/109052147029.jpg

Isn't this Positive K of "Excuse Me Miss" and "I Gotta Man" fame?

Personally, I've had more success with Marvin, Teddy, Luther, The Isley Brothers--the occasional Hair-Metal Power Ballad, Sade and more recently De Angelo. Keith Sweat would seem to be too obscure to evoke any kind of visceral reaction in the fairer sex, and thus limited in its ability to facilitate the removal of panties.

 

[fille]

I really love Smoove. And I have often suspected that my husband is the real Smoove . . . .

 

[Clare Quilty]

Actually, I'm from a older school "Turn of the lights" by Teddy P.

I love this song. Of course, it took a while until I was mature enough to ignore the probable fact that "Teddy Bear" (an obvious homosexual reference) was singing it to another dude.

Would you mind if I asked you to
Would you rub me down
Would you rub me down in some, in some burnin' hot oils, baby, yeah
I swear I can do the same thing, the same thing to you, baby...

 

[Guest]

Q., you are just so hip.

immune to smoove, Perdita

 

[Clare Quilty]

Q., you are just so hip....

I don't know about all of that. In my formative years, I simply was disinclined to stipulate to the musical apartheid imposed by radio (particularly AOR radio) programming directors. I caught an unbelievable amount of flack, in my early 1980s high school, for my refusal to goose-step around in crypto-racist lockstep, yelling "Disco sucks" and burning Donna Summer records.

 

[Guest]

... my refusal to goose-step around in crypto-racist lockstep, yelling "Disco sucks" and burning Donna Summer records.

That's hip. P.

 

[Clare Quilty]

That's hip. P.

The only thing hip about me is that I'm a fairly respectable merengue dancer, but only for one song--"La Sexy" by Pochy Y Su Cocoband.

 

[Clare Quilty]

I chose clean sheets in the above poll. The importance of fresh crisp linens cannot be overstated. Women really pay attention to that sort of thing. Silk sheets, however, are a little too "best little whorehouse in Texas" for my tastes. I'm a fan of 800 thread count combed cotton sateen sheet sets. When purchasing linens, or anything for the home for that matter, I always ask myself, "What would Martha buy?"

 

[fille]

I chose clean sheets in the above poll. The importance of fresh crisp linens cannot be overstated. Women really pay attention to that sort of thing. Silk sheets, however, are a little too "best little whorehouse in Texas" for my tastes. I'm a fan of 800 thread count combed cotton sateen sheet sets. When purchasing linens, or anything for the home for that matter, I always ask myself, "What would Martha buy?"

Clean sheets was the clear choice for me, too.

And I like Al Green better than Keith Sweat. Guess it's my age showing . . . .

 

[Guest]

Then, when we have each finished eating our meals, I will lay your body down on a bedsheet comprised of 100 percent silk, which I will purchase in advance from the finest store in this city. Then, just before we freak, I will inquire as to how you like the feel of the sheets. If you inform me that you do not like it, I will travel to other cities around the world until I locate a store that sells sheets that are more to your satisfaction. Then, I will purchase those sheets and return home to put them on the bed for you.

It is then that I will hit you doggy-style.

Well, it would work with me.

Love it!!

(Fresh sheets - that I didn't have to put on the bed - AND doggy-style. Boo ya!)

 

[Guest]

 

[Guest]

As to music, not much for vocals, but a soulful, sulty sax on the other hand sends chills (the good kind) down my spine.

MSL

I prefer the Blade soundtrack. Very earthy and carnal. Makes me want to drink blood, but, hey! Can't have everything.

 

[cloudy]

I prefer the Blade soundtrack. Very earthy and carnal. Makes me want to drink blood, but, hey! Can't have everything.

the soundtracks very cool - but I'd rather have Blade

 

[Guest]

the soundtracks very cool - but I'd rather have Blade

Hell, yeah! What a guy!!!

Do you think he does "smoove"? Doubtful.