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Skill set for a dom/domme

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ropeman64

Virgin
Joined
Sep 6, 2003
Posts
13
In the thread about patience I asked if patience was a lost art for subs when dealing with new doms. In Ebonyfire's reply she stated that skill set was more important than experience.

I would love to hear from both dom/dommes and subs about what skill sets make a good dom/domme. And then methods for improving those skill sets if you are without a current partner.
 
Okay, I started to write a long answer of what would make the ultimate dominant but instead here is the short list (the very short list!) of my own best qualities. I think these positive traits have given me the chance to find desirable partners and establish meaningful relationships.

  • Understanding basic psychology
  • Being sane and trustworthy
  • Being perceptive
  • Being a good listener
  • Understanding myself and knowing what I want
  • Being confident and natural in my role
  • Enjoying and appreciating the moment
 
ropeman64 said:
In the thread about patience I asked if patience was a lost art for subs when dealing with new doms. In Ebonyfire's reply she stated that skill set was more important than experience.

I would love to hear from both dom/dommes and subs about what skill sets make a good dom/domme. And then methods for improving those skill sets if you are without a current partner.
Click to expand...

just off the top of my head, from a sub's point of view....

  • being able to screw up and able to laugh about it....knowing that you are human
  • patience of a different sort....moving slowly along the continuum between your sub and yourself--finding out what makes the magic between you and her special, not going for "brass ring" in the first 2 weeks
  • the fine art of aftercare--I can't say enough about this one. There's nothing WORSE than a Dom who walks away from a sub after a scene, leaving her in subspace, just hanging there. Ugggg.
  • There's a lot to be said for "dating", and "foreplay" as a skill. Think of mind-fucking her later? How can one possibly do that without being armed with the information one collects in those earlier phases?
  • Voice control is an amazing skill. You can stop a sub in her tracks with one simple word, said in the right tone of voice.

Just a few that I thought of, I'm sure I'll come up with more *grin*

~anelize
 
well, i'm a sub, but here's one thing that i think is important. consistancy in reinforcments. if i'm given rules, i'm going to test them, push them, basically see what i can get away with. if there's no punishment for breaking rules and no reward for following them, why should i feel inpired to stick to them?
 
Mr Blonde said:
Being a good listener
Click to expand...


Ahhh, now I remember what it was I wanted to add to my list. Communication of course, is key.

Being a good TALKER as well as listener. Being able to effectively communicate your needs to your partner. So she knows EXACTLY what you expect of her at all times. No B/S between you. That's a pretty important skill in my book. If I don't know what's expected of me, I'm set up for failure.

~anelize




edited for spelling
 
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Skills & traits

To be more precise, I should have said Knowledge, skills and traits.

The NEED to dominate must be strong;
THe KNOWLEDGE to implement domination must be strong.

Integrity- because there are a lot of vulnerable people out there and they can be taken advantage of easily. You are offered many things that may be good for you, but may not be good for the submissive.

Patience - there is a thread about that

Listening skills - how to hear what is really being said
Questioning skills How to get the information you need

Toy skills - how to use toys, and how to use them to further the relationship.

Self- Control- a Dom/me must be in control to control.

Leadership - A Dom/me is the leader of the relationship, and has to take it to the place it needs to go.

There are others, but these are a few of the most important for Me.
 
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Experience

I neglected to add that the use of toys and other techniques is one of the places that experience does matter.

Many toys are very damaging if they are not used in the proper manner.

Psychological techniques also should not be used by novices.
 
AnelizeDarkEyes said:
Ahhh, now I remember what it was I wanted to add to my list. Communication of course, is key.

Being a good TALKER as well as listener. Being able to effectively communicate your needs to your partner. So she know EXACTLY what you expect of her at all times. No B/S between you. That's a pretty important skill in my book. If I don't know what's expected of me, I'm set up for failure.

~anelize
Click to expand...

I wanted to quote these comments because they are exactly what I was thinking. Ty Anelize.

I also wanted to add respect, both for self and sub. Respect both enough to learn as much as you can and develop the skills in this thread. Honesty is also crucial. Be honest with yourself about your shortcomings. Be true to who you are and what your goals are. If what you really need is a pain slut, don't bother with someone who doesn't share that interest with you. It will end badly.
 
Thank you for replies to date

Thank you to all who have taken the time to post replies to this thread. I came to Literotica to listen and learn before I went out and actively searched for a sub. So far with the help of you all I am doing just that, learning and hopefully growing.

Up to this point most of my reading was about trying to understand me, my personality and how that would translate into the style of dom I would be.

I had not even thought about such basic people skills as communication and listening. And these are the skills that I need the most work on.

If anybody is interested in chatting to work on communication and listening skills outside of this thread please feel free to send me a pm.
 
I had a professor in college who did research on what factor most determines the success of a manager, and the result was not intelligence or education level but the motivation to manage. I think motivation is a big factor in Dominance.

And I would saw that sharpening your saw and pushing your own limits is important. What I mean by that is to keep polishing the skills you have, and seeking more knowledge. Perhaps limits isn’t the right word, but it is not enough just to push the limits of your sub, you have to come up with surprises to keep things fresh.

Playing within yourself. Like a buddy told me once about weightlifting, when you go in the gym you have leave your ego hanging on the wall. Don’t do something stupid that is going to get yourself hurt. And don’t do something you aren’t confident with in a scene. Someone getting hurt puts an end to the fun really quick.

Things like communication and aftercare are just part of being a good human being. There is no law that says you can’t be a asshole Dom. But you are only going to attract and hold subs that are looking for asshole Doms, and that’s a sea I wouldn’t want to fish in.
 
Re: Thank you for replies to date

ropeman64 said:

I had not even thought about such basic people skills as communication and listening.
Click to expand...


IMHO, you should get to know the man or woman behind the submissive, before dealing with the submissive personality. Communication is key to that.
 
On the subject of toys, it's important to purchase quality stuff, not this crap you see in the pseudo-sex stores in the malls. Speaking from experience, handcuffs can jam, poorly made leather restraints can tear, and some of the stuff can be downright unsafe even when used as advertised.

A couple of online retailers that I frequent are Spartacus Leather and JT's Stockroom. This is not a plug, I just like their products and their customer service. There are many more out there as well. Having to pry apart cheap aluminum handcuffs with a pair of needle-nose pliers can really put a damper on a scene, let me tell you.

--Zack
 
Depends what you're trying to do, really. A humiliation oriented Master doesn't really need to know how to use a signletail, and a female pony trainer might want to learn some things about our four-footed friends.

Decide what you want to do, then be logical about expertise. Ask questions, read things, get curious.

If no one ever tried something because they didn't know how to do it, the world would not have progressed very far. It's not necessarily about *having* the skill it's about having the humility to develop one.
 
Netzach said:
If no one ever tried something because they didn't know how to do it, the world would not have progressed very far. It's not necessarily about *having* the skill it's about having the humility to develop one.
Click to expand...

I have no idea what humility has to do with this. I have never heard of humility keeping someone safe.

Different strokes.
 
I stand by what I said that no one should use a toy they do not know how to use properly. There are ways to get that knowledge.

Anything less is dangerous.
 
Ok, I can be more literal and elaborate.

Let's say I've never used a flogger before. I can start by flogging a mannequin, but I can also slowly build up my skill on a live body, (which gives me feedback, unlike the mannequin) beginning with a nylon string flogger. It's not necessary that I learn to florentine with two three foot pieces before I even consider touching someone with a flogger.

Understatements and overstatements in the realm of safety are equally non-productive to me. Respect for one's tools is good. Fear and mysticism around tools is not.

Humlility enters the picture when you have to face down that bottom and say "yeah, I'm new at this." If you can't manage that, you probably should not be playing.
 
Netzach said:
Ok, I can be more literal and elaborate.

Let's say I've never used a flogger before. I can start by flogging a mannequin, but I can also slowly build up my skill on a live body, (which gives me feedback, unlike the mannequin) beginning with a nylon string flogger. It's not necessary that I learn to florentine with two three foot pieces before I even consider touching someone with a flogger.

Understatements and overstatements in the realm of safety are equally non-productive to me. Respect for one's tools is good. Fear and mysticism around tools is not.

Humlility enters the picture when you have to face down that bottom and say "yeah, I'm new at this." If you can't manage that, you probably should not be playing.
Click to expand...

No but you could go somewhere and watch a real person flog another real person. What is mystical about that?Flogging ain't brain surgery
 
Ebonyfire said:
No but you could go somewhere and watch a real person flog another real person. What is mystical about that?Flogging ain't brain surgery
Click to expand...

I go strolling through threads (notice I didn't say trolling) and I invariablly have an Eb sighting that just cracks me up....

"What's mystical about that?"

I am peeing my pants here.... LMAO
 
A Desert Rose said:
I go strolling through threads (notice I didn't say trolling) and I invariablly have an Eb sighting that just cracks me up....

"What's mystical about that?"

I am peeing my pants here.... LMAO
Click to expand...
Hmm maybe I should write a book...

Flogging, With the Power of Zen
 
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