Since I have been out of the life-style for a while, so...

[nakdsub]

Deleted

 

[DVS]

I do not normally read this genre; however, answering a question in another genre prompted me to repeat myself here.

If this has already been discussed, my apologies; as I said, I do not normally read these posts.

The question to which I refer was from a woman who said her husband never gave her what she wanted because he was always afraid of hurting her. They had a safe-word but she never even got close to using it.

I have had two D/s relationships and with both I used this method:

Instead of not really knowing where you stood with your partner's comfort level we used the traffic light approach. My submissive partner would give me a color;

Green=I need more; bigger, deeper, harder, faster, etc.

Yellow=that's good, you've got me on the edge, keep it right there.

Red=Ouch, too much, don't quit but dial it back.

Safe-word would, of course, discontinue.

Actually, you don't have it quite correct, but if you were fine with your traffic like method, that's fine.

RED should be STOP! Do not continue. That is too much!
YELLOW should be Slow down or lighten up, it's almost too much for me.
GREEN should be I'm just fine with what you're doing.

Like I said, your safe word method would be just fine, as long as both sub and dom know it and abide by it. I'm just saying that the basic traffic light system is what I've stated above. Actually, it doesn't matter what you use for a safe word as long as everybody involved is aware of it and it works for your situation.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I take it you explained that she can speak up and say "Green" and "yellow" as encouragements huh? Good point--I'll remember that myself.

Someone here has an adorable story about a sub who got so far into her headspace that, when he asked what her color was, she replied "...Puuurrpple..."

ETA; DVS brings up a very important point which is that everyone involved had better be in agreement as to what the colors mean for that scene!

 

[nakdsub]

Deleted

 

[Stella_Omega]

You have no way of saying, "more," with your system, that was the whole point.

I think... and I say this although I love DVS quite a lot... that's the way he wants it.

 

[nakdsub]

Deleted

 

[seela]

What I never have understood and still don't understand about this traffic light method or any other safeword is why the person using them doesn't just say "more", or "go on, just like that", or "you really gotta ease up", or "stop or I'll punch you in the throat and call the cops" or whatever.

But that's just me. Not into codes, unless they're of the written kind and I get to do some cool detectiving solving it.

 

[nakdsub]

Deleted

 

[Stella_Omega]

You missed the whole point.

Not me. DVS missed the point-- it's a point he would rather not catch, which was my point.

sometimes, in the heat of passion, people say things not realizing what they're saying; no, for instance, can be muttered during a session and she could be talking to herself, telling herself not to climax yet, but her partner hears it and thinks she means stop. He stops and ruin everything.

Using code words removes that possibility from the equation; no one ever mutters, "yellow," to themselves. It's simply a device used so there are no misunderstandings of rhetoric.

Totally agree. I love to be able to holler.
I hate to have to holler and think carefully about what I am saying at the same time....

 

[seela]

sometimes, in the heat of passion, people say things not realizing what they're saying; no, for instance, can be muttered during a session and she could be talking to herself, telling herself not to climax yet, but her partner hears it and thinks she means stop. He stops and ruin everything.

Using code words removes that possibility from the equation; no one ever mutters, "yellow," to themselves. It's simply a device used so there are no misunderstandings of rhetoric.

Yeah, I know the logic behind it. Still doesn't make sense to me, but then again, my dynamic probably is a bit different.

Pretty much the only time my partner expects me to chime in in any meaningful way during our sexy fun times is when my joints are in particular danger, me having hypermobility syndrome and all.

I don't think one mutters accidentally "yeah honey, whip me harder" unless they really meant it. So that definitely mitigates the need for a "go harder" code word, IMO.

But as long as the people doing their thing are happy, relatively safe and on the same page about what's going on, things are swell.

 

[Stella_Omega]

well, the advice wasn't actually targeted to you. Someone else.

Who isn't you.

You are awesome, no denying it, but-- this was someone else.

 

[seela]

well, the advice wasn't actually targeted to you. Someone else.

Who isn't you.

You are awesome, no denying it, but-- this was someone else.

I thought my point was valid to the situation described by OP, even if I probably did get sidetracked a bit.

I don't understand why the OP's friend or acquaintance couldn't have just said that she's enjoying what's going on and that she's comfortable with things getting rougher. They didn't/don't have a code word for that set in place, but that doesn't mean the idea cannot be communicated.

Even if there is a set of code words in use, I don't think it should mean the communication is limited to just those words.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I don't understand why the OP's friend or acquaintance couldn't have just said ....

Seela, you don't know OP's friend -- or her partner. You don't even know anything about the scene they were involved in. so, how can you possibly understand why anything about her? You have null data-- all we do actually know is that information was not getting communicated.

Perhaps what you mean is something like "It would be optimal if people could simply talk in plain language..."

And everyone could agree with you on that. Except for the people who would disagree on account of their own preferences.

 

[seela]

Seela, you don't know OP's friend -- or her partner. You don't even know anything about the scene they were involved in. so, how can you possibly understand why anything about her? You have null data-- all we do actually know is that information was not getting communicated.

True. I don't know her, or him. Information was not getting communicated, yes. If information is not getting communicated, I don't see how assigning a different word for other word or a set of words would help. Seeing as they were married, I feel pretty safe to assume they would have had a chance to talk about it after the scene, too, if it was not possible during it. I see this as a problem with communication, and I just cannot wrap my brain around the idea that replacing one word with another in a case like this would fix things.

I'm not disagreeing on the fact that feedback during and/or after a scene is good, and that letting your partner know they're doing good and could go even harder is good. I'm just disagreeing that a set code word would have magically fixed the situation described in the OP, if the woman in question didn't feel comfortable telling that she wants it rougher. Even if she didn't have a preassigned word to communicate just that (like in DVS' version of traffic lights there isn't), it doesn't mean the idea couldn't have been conveyed.

Thus, a problem with communication rather than a problem with the lack of a code word for a specific need.

 

[DVS]

You have no way of saying, "more," with your system, that was the whole point.

That's topping from the bottom.

 

[DVS]

That's why communication is necessary before a session. Not all safe word systems work for everybody. I don't use a strict safe word system. But, I control the action. There would be no "more", because that disputes my control. My style of play keeps me in constant communication with my sub. In fact, my style is more mental with physical pain used for accent.

But, because I never play with strangers, my system works for me, just as your system might work best for you. A strict safe word system is designed for any couple to use, because it's basic and simple, without words that you might utter in the heat of the session.

The traffic light system is such a system. It's basic for a reason. If you want to use a variation of that system, there's not a damn thing wrong with that. But, what works for you might not work for someone else. That's why I corrected the traffic light system in my earlier post, to avoid confusion for someone reading this thread.

 

[nakdsub]

Deleted

 

[DVS]

I said I don't read this genre often and now I know why...
It was a suggestion, a simple suggestion.
Topping from the bottom? Give me a break!

Please; just forget I said anything!

You ask a question, you get an answer. If you don't like it, maybe this genre isn't for you. There's your break.

 

[nakdsub]

Deleted

 

[Stella_Omega]

I said I don't read this genre often and now I know why...
It was a suggestion, a simple suggestion.
Topping from the bottom? Give me a break!

Please; just forget I said anything!

This isn't a genre; it's a forum, and each of those handles you see is attached to a person who has views and ideas that they wish to discuss.

You showed up all proud of yourself because you know about safewords. Congrats, I'm glad you do. Have a cookie.

But your top post made it obvious that you don't "read this genre" because if you typed "safeword" into the "search this forum" field, you'd find out that, in fact, it's been talked about a whole lot.

And you would know that DOMMMMSSS don't like to be told what to do. It upsets them terribly. Other Doms, maybe not so upset. Tops, hardly ever.

Now, I'm curious, how did you decide on the handle you use? because 'sub" is pretty specific to this "genre."

 

[DVS]

What question did I ask? I asked NO question; I simply answered a question with a suggestion and thought the suggestion might also help someone who reads the posts in this genre. THAT'S IT.

OK, to clarify, after reading your OP again, I guess it was a woman who asked YOU a question. So, your post was just so we could pat you on the back and tell you how well you handled her question? Well, instead, you got opinions from people who are still in the lifestyle.

You would have done better to send that woman to this forum to ask the question herself, in the atmosphere best suited. After all, you yourself said you have been out of the life-style for a while.

 

[monkeyman057]

Man, you all are a tough crowd...

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Man, you all are a tough crowd...

With well-developed bullshit detectors.

 

[DVS]

With well-developed bullshit detectors.

LOL, I'm pretty good at smelling bullshit, these days. I'm knee deep in it right now.

I don't know why the OP thought deleting posts would do any good. I guess it makes a statement or something, but most every post was quoted by somebody, so at least the whole thing can be sorted out by others who might read the thread.

When it comes down to it, all I wanted was to clarify the traffic light method for newbies who would be reading the thread and get confused. There was nothing wrong with the OP's version, if it worked for them. It might also have benefits for other people to add to their own system, so I said there was nothing wrong with it. It just wasn't for me.

Because it wasn't the original traffic light system, I felt I should at least clarify that. And, even though I don't appreciate a sub telling me she can take more other people might enjoy or appreciate that. So, maybe another color could be incorporated, to reflect that. There are quite a few to pick from. But, the basic green, yellow, red system should remain the same. Amend it as you wish, that's perfectly fine.

People just don't understand this type of talk forum where there's nothing but words on a page. You don't see facial expressions, body language, voice inflections or anything like that...just words on a page. Even the smilies can be seen as sarcasm sometimes, when they aren't meant to be.

It never pays to jump to conclusions. I think that's what may of happened here. Anyway, move along people, there's nothing to see here. Move along, move along.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I'm reminded of the very young Jeff Bridges in "starman"

Red means stop. Green means go. Yellow means go very fast.

i think I'm going to add one more color to my traffic light.
green means go, yellow means slow down, red means stop-- purple means "I can take harder."

Puuuuurrrrple means "I can take soooo muuuuch moore... whoever you are..."