Simon Finkel vs The Cheerleaders From Hell

[PrevertOne]

This is more a hail Mary shot. Awhile back I started writing a story called Simon Finkel vs The Cheerleaders From Hell. I have three completed chapters, posted elsewhere. I want to post them on Literotica because I really like what I wrote so far. The story involves three evil cheerleaders who make a devilish deal and sacrifice a geek, and face Nemesis a couple of decades later (think Angel Heart). I tried posting the first chapter on Literotica a year or two ago. It was rejected; the actions the cheerleaders took were a bit too much for the moderators. I posted it and other chapters on other sites, but I want to make another go at this one. The dilemma is the action the cheerleaders take convey just how evil they are, compared to the innocence of their victim, and the effect on his mother. Obviously I need to figure a way to soft R or PG-13 the first chapter without toning down the evil act they commit but I'm stumped. So I'm casting about for possible ideas to figure a way forward. Any constructive input would be greatly appreciated, thanks

 

[Rob_Royale]

If I had to take stab, based on what you gave us, to take this from Lit unacceptable to Lit acceptable, you have to convey their vileness, not from actions but their words. Use dialogue to convey their character. It's a very different thing to say you're going to kick a puppy, than actually doing it, don't you agree? However, just saying you're going to kick a puppy tells us plenty about your character.

The dilemma is the action the cheerleaders take convey just how evil they are,

Finkel? Laces out, man!

 

[PrevertOne]

If I had to take stab, based on what you gave us, to take this from Lit unacceptable to Lit acceptable, you have to convey their vileness, not from actions but their words. Use dialogue to convey their character. It's a very different thing to say you're going to kick a puppy, than actually doing it, don't you agree? However, just saying you're going to kick a puppy tells us plenty about your character.

Finkel? Laces out, man!

Well, the dialogue the cheerleaders have with one another, and others, does convey how psychopathic they are (no campy, mustache twirly stuff, just cold-blooded and uncaring), but the scenarios I went through, trying to make it Lit acceptable, just didn't feel impactful. I need to match their actions to their words somehow. It's like trying to get Hannibal Lecter to bash the cop's head in without writing about the impact of the club.

 

[BobbyBrandt]

I believe that your challenge will be compounded through piece-meal, chapter (or partial) submissions.

Doing so leaves Laurel's review of each submission focused only on the content of that material. Will this provide the broader context of your story and what you are attempting to convey as a whole piece of work?

 

[Abbafan]

They say show, don't tell, but in a case like this it might be better if they just refer to some of these terrible things they've done instead of depicting them in detail.

 

[PrevertOne]

I believe that your challenge will be compounded through piece-meal, chapter (or partial) submissions.

Doing so leaves Laurel's review of each submission focused only on the content of that material. Will this provide the broader context of your story and what you are attempting to convey as a whole piece of work?

Chapter One sets up the broader story. It establishes the cheerleaders' crime, points to their future based on the bargain they made, and hints at the consequences to be explored in future chapters.

 

[PrevertOne]

They say show, don't tell, but in a case like this it might be better if they just refer to some of these terrible things they've done instead of depicting them in detail.

The act they commit is singular, but split among the three. Involves a bit of magic. Just referring to the act doesn't feel as impactful, given the story combines erotica and horror.

 

[Bamagan]

It's not easy to advise on your story, given the lack of specific detail about why it was declined. From context, I'm guessing the sacrifice scene involves some kind of sexual activity. If that's the case, it was probably rejected as being snuff, or close enough to it, in which case the solution is to separate any murders and any sex. Writing about a blood sacrifice isn't by itself a ticket to rejection, but if the perps are getting off on it, or it's described very sensually, etc., then it would likely run afoul of that rule.

 

[OverconfidentSarcasm]

Well, the dialogue the cheerleaders have with one another, and others, does convey how psychopathic they are (no campy, mustache twirly stuff, just cold-blooded and uncaring), but the scenarios I went through, trying to make it Lit acceptable, just didn't feel impactful. I need to match their actions to their words somehow. It's like trying to get Hannibal Lecter to bash the cop's head in without writing about the impact of the club.

Okay, I found the story. That snuff-scene is totally unnecessary. There are thousands of ways to display how evil a character is without packing it into a detailed and descriptive porn scene.

Write around it by simply losing any description of the act itself. They lie with him three times, and each time he loses a third of his soul. The dialogue they have AFTERWARDS over his skeletal body should be enough to showcase how little they care, and, since the sex is over at this point, it may even fly by the moderator.

 

[AwkwardMD]

That snuff-scene

The OP's vagueness around the initial rejection hits different with this little bit of info.

 

[OverconfidentSarcasm]

The OP's vagueness around the initial rejection hits different with this little bit of info.

Really? OP did say that the story was rejected because the depicted scenes "were a bit too much for the moderators".
That made it pretty clear it fell into one of three categories: Pedophilia, realistic bestiality, or Snuff/sexualized Miming Maiming.

 

[AwkwardMD]

Really? OP did say that the story was rejected because the depicted scenes "were a bit too much for the moderators".
That made it pretty clear it fell into one of three categories: Pedophilia, realistic bestiality, or Snuff/sexualized Miming.

Any amount of non-con where the victim doesn't enjoy it enough was where my brain stopped. "Too much" to me, in this context, I read as "normally this would be fine but it went too far," which implies a baseline level of acceptability.

Fuck me for assuming!

 

[AwkwardMD]

Sexualized Miming.

Now I know the next thing the FBI is gonna find in my search history

 

[OverconfidentSarcasm]

Now I know the next thing the FBI is gonna find in my search history

And my inability to type is to blame. Sorry about that.

 

[StillStunned]

Now I know the next thing the FBI is gonna find in my search history

That rope-pull things mimes do can get *really* disturbing!

 

[AwkwardMD]

That rope-pull things mimes do can get *really* disturbing!

When one goes down on you, and just keeps going down.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

Any amount of non-con where the victim doesn't enjoy it enough was where my brain stopped.

Is it because that's Literotica's rule or because you personally find noncon more acceptable if the victim is enjoying it to a degree? I am really curious as this particular rule makes noncon even worse for me.

 

[StillStunned]

When one goes down on you, and just keeps going down.

Mimes and clowns are probably the pinnacle of erotic horror. A car stops, the door opens, and a continuous stream of clowns come out. Honking on each other's cocks. And those big shoes...!

Of course they're all sad, so we're saved by Lit's "everyone has to enjoy it" rule.

 

[AwkwardMD]

Is it because that's Literotica's rule or because you personally find noncon more acceptable if the victim is enjoying it to a degree? I am really curious as this particular rule makes noncon even worse for me.

It's the only one on a scale of acceptability. There's no subjectivity to involving a dog (for example) or being underage.

Everyone always wants to make me out to be some prude. Feel free to read my treatise on the subject, Dark Horse.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

It's the only one on a scale of acceptability. There's no subjectivity to involving a dog (for example) or being underage.

Everyone always wants to make me out to be some prude. Feel free to read my treatise on the subject, Dark Horse.

It's a matter of a point of view then, as the victim enjoying rape makes it seem normalized to me. Either way, I was just curious, I have no desire to start one of those discussions.
Also, I believe I read that series of yours.

 

[StillStunned]

My two most recent stories have been pretty dark. Not A Soul is like Alien, but with a demon that leaves its victims soulless and, at the end, dead. In Rulk the Rat and the Demon Dagger the POV character murders, robs, bullies, rapes.

But both stories were approved without issue. You can have despicable characters doing vile things without breaking Lit's rules. In fact, in "Rulk the Rat", working within the framework of Lit's rules gave it an extra punch, I think.

I'd say that tone and wording have a lot to do with whether or not your story gets bounced. You can describe a horrific act in all kinds of ways, but as an author you have control over your readers' perception of the act you're describing. And that doesn't have to be an explicit "this is wrong, and I'm going to tell you that it's wrong". Just writing a character who the reader is clearly not intended to identify with from the start will create a sense of distance. Or you can use more descriptive language instead of evocative language.

But if you go all-in on "this is a sex scene, phwaw!" you're probably going to be looking at a rewrite.

 

[BobbyBrandt]

Chapter One sets up the broader story. It establishes the cheerleaders' crime, points to their future based on the bargain they made, and hints at the consequences to be explored in future chapters.

I understand, but it could be that the "broader story" provides the context that makes content in the first chapter acceptable versus rejectionable. You know what happens later. Laurel doesn't.

 

[PrevertOne]

The first chapter of Simon Finkel just dropped https://www.literotica.com/s/simon-finkel-vs-the-cheerleaders-from-hell-pt-01 I'd like to extend my thanks to the people on this thread for their advice in making it acceptable to the moderators (if someone is willing to give me advice on my Galaxy of Terror story, I'm all ears )