Shy child issues?

[Eilan]

My third-grader doesn't have any friends. She's very polite, but she's very shy, she doesn't seek out the company of others, and her shyness sometimes comes off as unfriendliness. She gets along well with her sisters and stepsisters, but because she's so shy, kids outside the family tend to overlook her unless they're looking for someone to pick on.

When I picked her up from school today, she was in tears because she was literally run off the playground by some third and fourth graders when she attempted to join a softball game. I have no idea where the teachers were when this was going on.

I don't think the "bullying" is too serious yet because she still loves going to school, but I want to know how to help her help herself for future incidents. When she's not being flat-out ignored, that is.

I was a shy child as well, but she makes me look like quite the social butterfly. My parents pushed me to socialize and it was nightmarish. I don't want to do that to my little one.

My initial reaction is to want to protect her by pulling her out of school and keeping her at home with me, but I know that's completely irrational.

I'd appreciate an outsider's more rational, less biased POV.

 

[silverwhisper]

i was shy, too, and w/ the benefit of hindsight i can see that it was a function of low self-esteem. and of course the default advice here, "fake it 'til you make it" doesn't work so well for a kid her age.

i'm kinda stumped myself, i'm afraid.

ed

 

[Malaria]

At her age I had just 1 friend, are you sure she doesn't have 1 special best friend, sometimes thats all you need

 

[M's girl]

Third grader? What age is that again?

I wonder if she is unhappy at this point about not having a friend or friends. I can understand she's upset about the bullying, but that's something else. That can happen also if she has plenty of friends.

I ask because for a long time my sisters son was quite the loner. She worried about him not making friends. But on the other hand he, himself, did not seem to think it was a problem at all.

I'm not sure what changed or if he changed but slowly but surely the friends just seemed to come natural after all and after a while and now he's about the most popular kid in class.

I know that M's youngest also did not have real friends of his own for some time, but because he is so close to his brother he would sort of be friends with his brother's friends. He is now starting to make friends of his own and getting invited to birthdayparties. He is currently 6... He still is the loner type of boy sometimes who gets by perfectly well all on his own. He's not shy at all, or lonely. Just much too busy with his own things sometimes. He is, and has been, a very social child otherwise.

So... I'm no expert talking mainly about other people's children. Just observing. Hope everything will work out well for your daughter. I'm sure she will though. By the sound of it she has a lovely and caring family. That might just be enough for her at this point.

 

[tanyachrs]

We don't all need to have lots of friends but everyone will feel better in a wider variety of situations if they can be comfortable making small talk with people they don't know well. Is there such a thing as charm school for children? I've heard learning something like karate can make less athletic kids feel more comfortable and confident with their peers.

 

[center_stage]

I was an extremely shy child, and still am to this day. In fifth grade, I cried during lunch the first day of school because I had no friends, and I actually did that the first day of college as well.

I agree with Malaria, see if she has one special friend. I only had two friends throughout my entire middle and high school life, and even though I did wish I had more, those two were all I needed.

My parents knew that I was an extremely shy child, and one of the things that really helped me was getting involved in neighborhood activities. My mother put me into the neighborhood girl scouts, the YMCA, and the softball team as well. It helped me because since it was neighborhood kids, I recognized some of them from my school and was able to get to know them a little better.

I feel that sometimes the school setting is a little intimidating. In school there are cliques and girls who stick together (and boys as well), and that can be very upsetting. I would also suggest talking to her about it, because maybe there was someone who made her feel bad about herself and I know that low self esteem played a part in me not having friends (I believe that Silverwhisper made a mention of that).

I wish your little one luck, because as I look back I wish that I had been a little different in middle and high school. Please update us!

 

[Eilan]

Third graders are 8 and 9 year olds. Mine's 8.

She's like I was at that age. She relates better to adults than she does to other children, siblings and stepsiblings excepted. She prefers staying inside and reading to playing outside and/or socializing. At the end of first grade, she gave a little girl our phone number and then got all upset when the girl actually called our house a few times.

She'll occasionally comment that the other kids don't like her very much, and I came across a letter that she wrote to the principal last year when her class did a letter writing exercise. In this letter she said that the other kids were mean to her.

She's in the school's gifted program, and I was hoping that she'd be friendly with those kids.

I wish I could channel some of my first-grader's social butterfly-dom and give it to her.

 

[center_stage]

She's in the school's gifted program, and I was hoping that she'd be friendly with those kids.

I too was in my school's gifted program. I was accepted in first grade. I don't know how big a deal it is at your daughter's school, but at mine it was a bigger deal than at others because there were only three kids in it (myself included, and the others were eighth graders).

I hate to say it, but her being in the gifted program may be part of the problem. I know that I was made fun of relentlessly when I was in the gifted program because I would be finished work quicker than the others and I was able to get answers that other kids couldn't. Kids in my classes always believed that I had some sort of elitist attitude. I'm not quite sure if that is your daughter's case (I'm sure that she doesn't have an elitist attitude, I never did).

 

[Eilan]

I actually did that the first day of college as well.

Hey, me, too.

She's done soccer and basketball in the past, but even though she claims to enjoy them, she acts like she hates being on the field/court, and she never really "clicked" with her teammates.

Last winter, she ended up being the only girl in the YMCA's basketball league, which was interesting because she had a cheering section and the little boys on her team were very protective of her when they weren't trying to do silly shit to compete for her attention.

I'd really like to teach her to play the piano.

 

[Straight-8]

As my kids wound their way through school I was amazed at how clique-y the whole thing was. There were the 'band-geeks' and the 'jocks' and the 'nerds' and the 'druggies' and the 'gays' and on and on!

I'm not sure about the best way to encourage kids to have a good social life at school. I agree that you really only need one good friend, but even that can be hard to come by for some kids. I did notice, however, that things seemed far more materialistic these days than back in the dark ages when I went to school. In other words, having the latest electronic game or fashion (oh yeah, there was the 'fashion' clique too) was extremely important to their social standing and shouldn't be under-rated by parents (no matter how shallow it seems to us!). Basically what I am saying is that, however distasteful it may be, you can 'buy' a friend for your kid - and worse - it may not be a bad idea!

It also helps if she develops some skill (particularly athletic) that sets her apart.........but NOT academic, that's not cool. So the piano might work but make sure that it comes from her and directs her towards a group that she wants to be associatied with.

With my eldest it was always a struggle but he got through with one or two good friends and a lot of organized sports. He played an instrument well but always had to fight against being seen as a 'band geek'. He was a brainy guy who I knew would blossom at university, and he did. My youngest swam through. But my daughter, who was Miss Popularity, ended up having the hardest time of it. Social life became so competitive that it was just unpleasant.

It is my view that this school social thing is hardest on girls. They feel such an incredible drive towards perfectionism that it becomes quite self destructive. As a parent, if there is one thing I could do over, I would try and reduce the pressure on my daughter to do well to zero. That is very hard to do when you are going through it because you are basically your kid's biggest cheerleader. But some kids really need you to back off.

 

[Emes]

Is there one child she is particularly friendly with either at school or at a club? It might be worth asking this child over for tea if you can or to come with you for a day out...once she has one friend it may help her make friends with others......

 

[Eilan]

Random Ramblings

My ex and I were just talking about her. When she visits him, she'll play with the other kids for a bit, then she's off to one of the bedrooms to read. She's affectionate, but it has to be on her terms. Otherwise she just squirms.

She mentioned today that she had trouble opening part of her school lunch today, but that some of her "friends" helped her with it. These are the same "friends" who often ignore her. I've seen them do it.

If she didn't internalize things, it wouldn't be so bad for her. I can remember being rejected by friends (I can also remember doing the rejecting) and I always shrugged it off and found someone else to play with.

Her teachers and I have noticed that she slowly comes out of her shell throughout the school year, but whenever a new year starts, she has to start at Square One. She'd be better off at a year-round school!

 

[Munachi]

my no-friends phase was a bit later, mainly from 7th to 9th grade, but also when i was younger i never had a lot of friends, and was quite withdrawn from others... i can relate to what you just wrote, about her playing with other kids for a while, but then going to read... i often was too busy reading, drawing, or similar things, to play with other kids. to a degree it was annoying when my parents insisted i go outside to play with other kids. i can see why they did it, but i felt happier by myself.

Not sure what a good solution would be, as i don't know either what my parents could have done to make me more sociable... i think what someone said above, to accept her as she is, is important. of course also help her be more relaxed with other kids, especially if she suffers for not having friends - but not put a pressure on her about that...

and getting her into activities she likes is good, of course, so she can meet other kids with similar interests as she has...

 

[glynndah]

If she's coming home from school crying because the other children won't let her play with them when she tries to join in, please contact her teacher and let him/her know this. Many schools have anti-bullying programs in place, but if they don't know it's happening, they can't work on it.
I work in an elementary school and I have had several parents talk to me because their child is having problems with bullies. Since I see their child in a more social setting (the lunchroom) I sometimes see things the regular classroom teacher might miss. I can seat a shy child with other girls her grae who are also quiet or I might ask the more out-going ones to keep an eye out for the child and make sure she gets friends to sit by, etc. I sometimes let the playground supervisor know so she can keep her eyes on the situation out there, too. I have also contacted the counselor when she is here and ask her to talk with some children.
In short, I would definitely contact your school, especially those people who have contact with her during those social occasions. They really can ehlp if they know there's a problem.
I was also a shy child who didn't open up until high school. I hope your shy child "blooms".

 

[Eilan]

If she's coming home from school crying because the other children won't let her play with them when she tries to join in, please contact her teacher and let him/her know this. Many schools have anti-bullying programs in place, but if they don't know it's happening, they can't work on it.

Does it make a difference whether or not I'm able to name names? My daughter won't give me any specifics.

When she was in kindergarten, she rode the school bus home on a handful of occasions. A couple of fifth-graders called her names and she said, "If you don't stop bothering me I'll tell my stepdaddy to arrest you!" (He's a retired cop, though he was still working at the time.) They left her alone after that.

 

[Malaria]

If the school has a good anti-bullying policy then they should be able to investigate the bullying without names, however in my experience schools are often unwilling to act on their own anti-bullying policies. I would suggest you tried gently to find out names and go to the school in peace not anger. Having the school punish children for bullying your daughter will not make her anymore popular though. (i speak from experience as a victim not a parent as i'm not a parent) You could try to build up her self confidence and image in other ways. I think teaching her piano is a good idea, giving her a skill she can be proud of sounds good.

 

[Munachi]

i would be careful with contacting teachers, but maybe that has only to do with my own experiences - and i went to a school where most teachers where NOT good at dealing with children that were a bit different to the others. For me one of the worst events was, when we spent an hour of class talking about the "problem munachi", i.e. the teacher asked the students why people were bullying me, what i/they should change, and all that. meant in a good way, maybe, but i felt like it made things worse, i didn't want to be in the centre of attention, at least not that kind of attention...

i guess, contacting the teacher might be important, but i would make very sure to know what type of action the teacher might take, so it doesn't go in the wrong direction...

then again, one could hope that where you are people are a bit more aware of modern pedagogic methods than they were where i grew up...

 

[Emes]

My sons school has a good anti bullying policy and i know it works.

They also have a 'friendship stop' so any kids who are feeling lonely or want someone to play with can go to a particular place in the playground and make new friends. It might be worth seeing if there is something like this at your daughters school....or if they would be interested in setting one up

 

[onlyerics]

Here's my 2 cents

Eilan, like your daughter, I was also in the school's gifted program as child and continued way up into high school.

I think it is wonderful that your daughter is actually participating in other extra-curricular activites. It will make her more well-rounded. So please have her continue to do this. My parents have always told me to focus on my academics. Heck, I had to BEG to let me join the school band.

I guess I can sort of emphatize with her since I was shy (and I still am), and I loved to read. I did rather read than play outside.

But I agree with Munachi...let her participate in activities she likes and that way she can be more sociable.

As for starting a new school year, it might be because she was getting attached to her old classmates from the previous year and the fact that she has to start all over again might be just a little overwhelming. Not exactly an advice...just an insight???

I don't have any children...but I based what I posted from my experience.

 

[Eilan]

I like the friendship stop idea.

We'll keep getting her involved in things that she wants to be involved in. A parent on her spring soccer team commented that for a shy person, she does pretty well in group settings, even though she didn't really "click" with her teammates. And last spring, she certainly had no problem getting up in front of a gym full of parents and singing. By herself.

She has to be approached by others, though. She won't do the approaching.

I know that it's inevitable that she'll get hurt because it happens to all of us. For reasons that may or may not be relevant to this thread, I feel that she needs protecting more than my other kids do, if that makes sense.

Thanks, everyone.

 

[center_stage]

How's the little one doing Eilan? I was thinking about her today when I passed by an elementary school and saw a little girl playing alone.....it broke my heart.

 

[Eilan]

How's the little one doing Eilan? I was thinking about her today when I passed by an elementary school and saw a little girl playing alone.....it broke my heart.

Today seemed to be a decent day for her. When I picked the kids up from school today, a little girl from her class gave her and my first-grader a hug goodbye. The little girls in her class are "huggy" types. She suffered through it because she's generally not physically affectionate unless it's on her terms, but she was smiling.

I guess it's a start.

 

[Emes]

Today seemed to be a decent day for her. When I picked the kids up from school today, a little girl from her class gave her and my first-grader a hug goodbye. The little girls in her class are "huggy" types. She suffered through it because she's generally not physically affectionate unless it's on her terms, but she was smiling.

I guess it's a start.

Smiling is indeed a start.......lets hope it carries on and she makes loads of friends

 

[onlyerics]

Today seemed to be a decent day for her. When I picked the kids up from school today, a little girl from her class gave her and my first-grader a hug goodbye. The little girls in her class are "huggy" types. She suffered through it because she's generally not physically affectionate unless it's on her terms, but she was smiling.

I guess it's a start.

That's wonderful news! Sounds like she's coming out of her shell...even if it's just a small step.

BTW, love your AV.

 

[onyxvixen]

Hi Eilan,

You said that your child has problems after each summer? Does she see any of her classmates during the summer holiday from school? If not then that might be a good idea for next summer. Kids who have seen each other almost every day can make other kids who live further away feel left out. Does she have any friends over to stay during the summer?

I think the frendship stop is a good idea but in some schools it can make the kids who are willing to use it look like rejects and invoke more bullying that way (kids are so sweet to each other aren't they? They have a hyena's eye for weakness).

Sounds like your daughter hasn't really found a niche yet or a group of kids that she geninely prefers. I know I was very much like this and drifted from group to group as the fancy took me. With other kids though, this can seem fickle and disloyal and it took me a while to realise that as a child. I was also a reader and rather daydreamy, perfectly happy in my own head.

It did set me apart a little though. I was reading way ahead of my peers and it made them seem a little dull and unstimulating. We weren't into many of the same things. I found that, the more time I spent alone reading, the happier I was in my own head and the more disappointed I was with my peers, albeit unintentionally. I had a romantcized notion of true friendship from numerous books and was waiting for my soulmate to materialize. It took me a little while to get over my sensibilities and learn that everybody is equally valuable, a product of life experience and unique for that.

I'm not saying that your little girl is like this but that was very much me as a child and I can empathise with her not having found anybody she likes enough to want them for a 'best friend'. I was SO fussy.