Should I submit this poem?

[zell19861986]

The Tick of Death

The clock is always ticking ticking ticking ticking always telling time always drawing closer to my death with nothing but a tick tick tick tick. No one seems to care with every tick death looms closer. The cold black eye's of death rove and wander searching for me with every tick death gets closer to finding me. The tick tick tick tick the signature on my death certificate. The tick tick tick ticking is my death



Thank you for taking the time to read it.

 

[perks]

is that a poem? or prose? is prose poetry?

fuck if I know.


either way, submit it if you want to.

As for me, I'm off to read the Tell Tale Heart.

 

[WickedEve]

Hi Zell
I see you're jumping in with some poetry. I'm glad.
I've looked at this a piece a few times, and the only suggestion I have for now is to try a form. Perhaps if you tried a villanelle with this poem or an easier form, it may help shape it up.

 

[zell19861986]

Okay. I do have a quick question though what are forms? I probably shouldn't write poetry till I know more about it. I'm still learning all of the terms and stuff.

 

[WickedEve]

I did a quick search and found this site: http://www.umeedu.maine.edu/coehd/wind/poemtypes.html
It has some easy forms for you to start with.

 

[zell19861986]

Thank you.

 

[zell19861986]

Here is my poem. I basicly just trashed the other one but kept the idea and went with the conquain form. well here is the poem.

Death
Black nothingness
Swiftly silently always
Fearing the everlasting dark
Lifeless

 

[Rybka]

The Tick of Death

The clock is always ticking ticking ticking ticking always telling time always drawing closer to my death with nothing but a tick tick tick tick. No one seems to care with every tick death looms closer. The cold black eye's of death rove and wander searching for me with every tick death gets closer to finding me. The tick tick tick tick the signature on my death certificate. The tick tick tick ticking is my death


Thank you for taking the time to read it.

Zell,
Is this supposed to be a prose poem? I find it interesting, but the way you have structured it with little punctuation makes it read in a very "run-on sentence" way. - In terms of basic errors, "eye's" should be "eyes", and there is no verb in the next to last sentence. I believe "prosetry" is more insistent on verbs and punctuation than poetry since it has no breaks nor spacing to replace them. If I were to write this as a poem I might (in simplest form) structure it like this:

The Tick of Death

The clock is always ticking
ticking ticking ticking
always telling time
always drawing closer
to my death with nothing
but a tick tick tick tick

No one seems to care
with every tick
death looms closer

The cold black eyes of death
rove and wander
searching with every tick
death
gets closer to finding me

The tick
tick tick tick
a signature on my death certificate

The tick
tick tick ticking
is my death


Regards, Rybka

 

[zell19861986]

Thank you... I can already tell that I have no clue what I'm doing. I think I shall take a break from writing poetry and work on my book a little more.

 

[Rybka]

Hey Zell!

Thank you... I can already tell that I have no clue what I'm doing. I think I shall take a break from writing poetry and work on my book a little more.

Don't run off! Keep writing! All of us were beginners at some time, and every one of us is still trying to improve. Please keep reading the posts on this forum and jump in anytime you have a comment or question.

Regards, Rybka

 

[zell19861986]

No worries there. I will get as much help as I can.

 

[Rybka]

Death

Here is my poem. I basicly just trashed the other one but kept the idea and went with the conquain form. well here is the poem.

Death
Black nothingness
Swiftly silently always
Fearing the everlasting dark
Lifeless

Or perhaps as a haiku?

Cold black nothingness
Swiftly silently always
Fearing winter's night

Rybka

 

[Angeline]

Hi Zell

just in for a hello and welcome to the poetry board--though I guess we sort of met in new poems yesterday. Glad you're sticking around--I've been posting here for almost two years now, and recommend it highly (in spite of Rybka's AVs ). We praise, but we're also picky sorts here-- but it's always meant to help toward our mutual growth as poets.

There are many challenges and learning opportunities around--if you poke through the threads you'll find them. Some are great, few (not mine, lol) are sorta dumb, but most are fun.

I'm a former English teacher (7th grade and college freshman, god help me) and am an editor. If you want editorial advice or have any grammar-type questions (I have a grammar fetish, which is weird I know, but it could be worse), feel free to pm or email.

Glad you're here.

 

[jthserra]

Cinquain...

I liked what you did with the cinquain. I think a lot of times, if you can trim away the noise, you can work a poem down to only the essential idea. I am often disturbed by what seems to be a trend towards bigger and bigger poetry, as if this long, epic poem must be much better than an excellent haiku, tanka, or cinquain. Perhaps the implied amount of work involved in an epic compared to a shorter poems deserves praise but to be honest, I will often spend more time on a haiku or triolet than a two page epic.

I think cinquain is an excellent form to start with. It takes some practice and disclipline to move your thinking into a specific form. Cinquain, for the most part, is primarily about syllables... 2,4,6,8,2 which is fairly easy to remember and work with. You can pretty much concentrate is working just the perfect words, with the right syllable count.

Zell... There is a online mazazine devoted to cinquain and I think you should submit your poem there. Here is the link: Amaze-cinquain . They have a submittal form there that makes submission a breeze. While you are there you can read some of the cinquain, I have one there (I think in issue 3).

What might be an interesting exercise in trimming your work would be to take some of your longer stuff and see if you can express the same emotion into a cinquain. While it sounds tough, you might really like what you come out with. If a single cinquain is simply too compact to fit your thoughts, try a sequence of two or three. I think amaze will also accept sequences.

Hey... and post them here at lit too.

jim

 

[jthserra]

Cinquain again...

Oops... Zell, I looked at your cinquain again and spotted a few form breaks, that, while they don't undermine the poem, may cause a site like amaze to turn it down. I think just a couple of dabs here and there and you may have something they will be interested in...

You wrote...

Death
Black nothingness
Swiftly silently always
Fearing the everlasting dark
Lifeless


line 1 wants to be two syllables... perhaps "In death"

and line 4 wants to be six (not seven) syllables... perhaps
"So swift, silent, always"

just a recommendation so you can strictly fit the requirements of Amaze-cinquain.

Again, I encourage you to submit it there.

jim

 

[Maria2394]

hi zell
check out darkmaas' thread ---michaelangelo poetry, that's a great exercise too..I'll see if I can find it and bump it to th etop..its a lot of fun and helps you identify the "important" parts of the poetry

 

[zell19861986]

Thank you all for your help. I am in the works of making another poem but i can't decide on what form to use. But I hope to have that figured out before tomorrow. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.

 

[BooMerengue]

What's AmazeCinquain?

 

[jthserra]

Amaze-Cinquain

Amaze-Cinquain is an e-magazine that specialized in cinquain. Take a peek, there are some excellent cinquain published there.

jim

 

[BooMerengue]

Thank you, jt... thats a lot to learn there!