Should I feel bad?

[Wildcard Ky]

I'm having a bit of self questioning:

I'm divorced. The divorce happened because of the old "Wife and best friend" story. They got married 4 hours after our divorce went final, and they were divorced about a year later.

He (they) cost me everything. He was a lawyer, so she got all of the help she needed to ensure that she got the kids, and could take them anywhere she wanted. I've despised them both ever since. He has a long history of ruining lives, but I won't go into all of that.

My oldest daughter called today and said that he had died. My first and only thought was "fuck him. The worlds better off." I believe that you reap what you sow, and he's sown a lot of wrong things.

This is so unlike me. I'm usually not this way towards anyone, especially when death is concerned. Am I wrong/bad for feeling like this?

 

[oggbashan]

...This is so unlike me. I'm usually not this way towards anyone, especially when death is concerned. Am I wrong/bad for feeling like this?

No. Just human.

Og

 

[tickledkitty]

No. You can't help how you feel. How you act on your feelings is another story. Don't feel guilty though. It's not worth it.

 

[kendo1]

Yep!



Helpful Ken

 

[rgraham666]

Nope. Not in my opinion.

 

[BlackShanglan]

As Og said.

And I think you by far the better man for questioning it, and caring if the feeling is right. We can't always control what we feel, but we can choose what we think of it and what we take away with us.

You've got every reason to despise this man. The little voice in you that says that mercy and forgiveness are the high road is right, but that doesn't mean that you're always going to be able to choose them. At least the voice is there, and you're still listening to it. Sometimes that's the best we can do.

 

[neonlyte]

Nah... give the benefit of doubt to people on the periphery of your life, sure, but don't feel bad about friends who screw you over, that's forgiving betrayal.

I assume you were a good friend of his? Before.

 

[jomar]

It's just your anger and resentment expressing itself. Doesn't have to mean more than that.

 

[fieryjen]

As Og said.

And I think you by far the better man for questioning it, and caring if the feeling is right. We can't always control what we feel, but we can choose what we think of it and what we take away with us.

You've got every reason to despise this man. The little voice in you that says that mercy and forgiveness are the high road is right, but that doesn't mean that you're always going to be able to choose them. At least the voice is there, and you're still listening to it. Sometimes that's the best we can do.

Well said.

 

[Ǽltya]

I'm having a bit of self questioning:

I'm divorced. The divorce happened because of the old "Wife and best friend" story. They got married 4 hours after our divorce went final, and they were divorced about a year later.

He (they) cost me everything. He was a lawyer, so she got all of the help she needed to ensure that she got the kids, and could take them anywhere she wanted. I've despised them both ever since. He has a long history of ruining lives, but I won't go into all of that.

My oldest daughter called today and said that he had died. My first and only thought was "fuck him. The worlds better off." I believe that you reap what you sow, and he's sown a lot of wrong things.

This is so unlike me. I'm usually not this way towards anyone, especially when death is concerned. Am I wrong/bad for feeling like this?

You owe him nothing, neither forgiveness nor tears. He never attempted to mend the rift he created, did he?

You are justified in your feelings although, as you say, it is unlike you.

Oh, and what Shang said.

 

[Guest]

I can't add a thing to the excellent words of wisdom already stated here.

Just

 

[cloudy]

I agree with what most here have said, but with one caveat: was he good to your kids?

If so, then you might want to rethink your feelings....but for yourself, not for him. As always, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, not whoever it is you're forgiving.

 

[adetaildiva]

I can't think of a thing to add to what's already been offered.

Other than a snuggle & .

 

[3113]

Nope. But then I'm not a forgiving person, especially when it comes to those who have hurt someone I feel some loyalty to or like for.

Feel what you feel and don't regret it or apologize to anyone for those feelings. After all, such feelings can hardly hurt this guy at this point, can they? Of course, if you believe such feelings hurt you in some way, that's different, or as Cloudy points out, if you feel that they will somehow hurt your kids. Then you might want to try do "better," but not for him. For yourself or for your kids. Those are the only two people who deserve "better" from you in this situation.

 

[SeaCat]

Are you wrong or bad for feeling this way? Not in the least. It is an entirely human reaction to having been betrayed by those who are closest to them.

However the fact tat you are questioning your feelings shows that you are an adult.

In my personal world I forgive people the wrongs they have done me. (Forgiving these wrongs doesn't mean I forget them. It just means I acknowledge they are human.)

I don't wish harm on anyone, unless they directly attack me. (In which case all bets are off until the threat has been stopped.)

The old statement of "what goes around comes around" has a lot of validity.

Cat

 

[Belegon]

Your question does nothing but engender my respect.

what caused the question shows, as has been said, that you are human.

 

[Chantilyvamp]

I think darlin its a pefectly natural response. You feel that way because of what happened and yet you question your ethics of feeling that way. Aah such is the spirit of a good person.

 

[starrkers]

^ What they all said.

 

[English Lady]

I agree with what most here have said, but with one caveat: was he good to your kids?

If so, then you might want to rethink your feelings....but for yourself, not for him. As always, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, not whoever it is you're forgiving.

I agree!

for Ky

 

[Wildcard Ky]

I've had a day to mull this over, and I think I've put my finger on what's really bothering me.

I feel bad at myself for feeling this way about another person. Deep inside, I believe that I'm a pretty good and decent human being. It's really bothering me that I could be so callous about the death of another. I shouldn't be like this. Perhaps I still carry more anger, resentment and contempt than I ever thought I did.

I think this is more about things that I apparently haven't properly dealt with yet that were brought to light with his death. Methinks a little soul searching and trying to find a way to forgive are in order.............................

 

[BlackShanglan]

I admire and respect your soul-searching, KY.

I don't know if this will mean anything to you, and I realize that it will sound awfully old-fashioned, but in the last few years I've gotten new insight into and comfort from a very old source - the parable of the prodigal son.

It was an excellent priest who pointed out that this parable isn't about forgiving someone who is still continually abusing you, or even about not feeling hurt about how you were treated. It's about being joyful that someone has been redeemed and has seen the error of his ways.

That helped me a great deal in my own life. It's difficult to let go of old wounds when the person who inflicted them has shown no remorse or repentence. But even the worst of people I can imagine being delighted to see in heaven, knowing that they got there because eventually they were able to repent and redeem themselves.

That's a good start on forgiveness, to me - to be able to honestly feel that whatever I think of the person now, I would be sincerely happy to see him or her redeemed. And it's easier to get there when I recognize that redemption would mean recognition of those hurts and wrongs, and repentence for them.

Maybe this man has come to that now; maybe he hasn't. But if you can honestly wish for him that he has, it's a good start on feeling something more positive about this yourself.

 

[SensualCealy]

KY,

What is done is done, you don't have to be angry anymore because like you said, he is being judged by a greater power now, this is a way for you to let go too.

Let ill feelings follow him to the grave and maybe this will be a new beginning for you and your children.

If anything I would say so long as he gave your kids everything they possibly could want ( of course with your monitary contribution Im sure he insisted you pay) the only ones you have to feel sympathy for is your children, and maybe your ex-wife that she no longer will have what made her happy.

Don't worry yourself, relax and think about the good times you had before all this happend.

C

 

[MagicaPractica]

I've had a day to mull this over, and I think I've put my finger on what's really bothering me.

I feel bad at myself for feeling this way about another person. Deep inside, I believe that I'm a pretty good and decent human being. It's really bothering me that I could be so callous about the death of another. I shouldn't be like this. Perhaps I still carry more anger, resentment and contempt than I ever thought I did.

I think this is more about things that I apparently haven't properly dealt with yet that were brought to light with his death. Methinks a little soul searching and trying to find a way to forgive are in order.............................

I wouldn't feel bad about feeling that way, he took a lot from you, but I think you are very right in doing some soul searching to resolve it. As Cloudy said, forgiveness isn't about the person you forgive, it's about letting go of the pain and anger you carry with you, which can be destructive to you.

I wrote a very short essay recently for Lit. on letting go of pain and anger. Just my thoughts on the topic... Deal With It

 

[human_male]

No. Did you do anything bad? No.

 

[DesertPirate]

Pay attention to what has been said here, there is some very good advice here.
Then you get to work through it and come up with what you can live with.
If you can smile when you look that guy in the mirror in the eye every morning, you will be just fine.

Good Luck because it isn't easy.