Should I be concerned?

[show_no_mercy]

So this ex-gf of mine was really into D/s for all of her life. She told me that she would tie herself up back when she was four years old... and that it was something that was always with her.

I was her first bf that she could explore that with since I'm into D/s as well, and that with all of her previous bfs she could only orgasm while thinking about being tied up.

Recently she told me that she was looking into personality types and discovered some sort of "demon animus" that manifests itself when the person is very young and is due to a weak father and victimized mother and that it describes her parents and thus herself. This demon animus makes the person seek out "demon lovers".

Obviously she connected her D/s tendancies with that demon animus and demon lover and concluded that the sexuality that she's had her entire life wasn't the real her and that it was all fake. So... should I be concerned about that? Are there any stories of ex-BDSM people out there? I know that I can't tell her what to think about her sexuality, but from what I've read and stuff I don't think people can "convince" themselves that they no longer like their kinks; and for homosexuality for example, that there are no "ex-gays".

So what should I think about her new revelation? Is it legitimate or is she doing what she needs to do to get over our relationship? I guess I should also mention that her family and friends told her that, for reasons I don't want to discuss here, that we should break up... and that's the reason we aren't together.

 

[FurryFury]

It sounds like she's gone to crazy religion town. You can be concerned if you want but de-programmers and/or mental wards aside, you won't likely convince her to stop her latest addiction.

Like all addictions something really bad has to happen for the person to realize this is a problem and be willing to work toward a solution.

Fortunately, she is your ex because dealing with someone who believes in such things is usually a nightmare.

I have an ex bud who is into all that crap but instead of kink, it's debilitating illnesses that her demon thingies are trying to (and succeeding) to cause.

 

[nh23]

I would be concerned. I'd strongly encourage her to get some psychiatric help. Best of luck.

 

[be_ignited]

If she is your ex, then her sexuality isn't really your business anymore (unless, of course, she told you this after you two had ended things (in which case, I'd say it sounds like she has issues with boundries)--if thats the case disregard that bit).

In my opinion, being kinky (D, s, or somewhere in between) is an orientation, a lot like being homosexual in that it's not something you can will yourself out of. Whether your ex's 180 is good for her is immaterial--it may be, it may not be--but no amount of arguing from you is likely to convince her otherwise. She's going to have to figure it out on her own.

 

[show_no_mercy]

Well we broke up officially last year (pretty much exactly last year), but over the next couple of months afterwards we would kind of "get back together" and be bf/gf for a weekend whenever I would visit my alma mater. She told me this revelation of hers a couple of days ago.

So I'm not sure if her telling me this would be in the context of us still being "together" or not.

 

[MasterMischief]

I would be concerned because are you two together or not? As others have said, you can not help someone who does not want to help themselves. It seems to me you need to help yourself right out of this situation.

 

[SimonBrooke]

Well we broke up officially last year (pretty much exactly last year), but over the next couple of months afterwards we would kind of "get back together" and be bf/gf for a weekend whenever I would visit my alma mater. She told me this revelation of hers a couple of days ago.

So I'm not sure if her telling me this would be in the context of us still being "together" or not.

OK, it sounds to me like you are not over her. There are times when you have to let go; this may be one of them but it may not, and you will have to judge that.

She may have told you this because she wants to push you away gently, to say, hey, I'm not the person you want.

She may have told you this because she wanted you to validate her kink, to say to her, 'no, it's OK for you to be the person you are, and this demon nonsense is just nonsense.'

If she's special, and you want her, hold the channel of communication open. Keep talking. Stay friends. Maintain a consistent line (and I suggest that line is 'it is OK to be kinked'). Be someone who is safe and consistently there for her, and who holds her up and values her and does not belittle her. Maybe she'll come back to you, maybe she won't, but telling her she's wrong and foolish won't bring her back.

 

[Adakgirl]

She seems to have been reading the late great Dr. Jung's works on personality types. However, as far as I know, he didn't write anything about a person's animus being demonic, in any way. So the demon thing she found by reading some persons strange translation of Jung's work or she added it herself.

Possibly to justify her conflicting feelings about her sexual needs or to provide herself with a " I am fucked up like this because I am victim of the circumstances of my upbringing" excuse or an excuse to avoid continuing a relationship with you.

You said she broke up with you because her family members told her that that is what she should do. I doubt that is the truth, but if it is, it shows that she is not mature enough to make her own adult decisions. Either that or she cannot emotionally handle the decisions she does make. My thought is she broke up with you because she wanted to, for reasons of her own.

Continuing to have an occasional, weekend, bondage, sexual relationship with her in order to fulfill this need of her's.. without having the kind of close loving relationship you appear to want to have, in place, certainly cannot be in your best interest, nor do I believe is it in her best interest either.

Do not be concerned, I suggest you stay away from her for now. She apparently needs to work some things out about herself, for herself, and by herself.

This is my opinion and only determined by the info you provided in your post.

 

[subwannabe]

Didn't I read that she was your ex? Keep her your ex and dissolve all lines of communication! Let her go! I knew a guy once who's ex-wife murdered her next husband for the insurance money. I bet he was glad that he was an ex and not a current!

 

[Corylea]

I'm not one of those "ex = never darken my door again" folks; most of my closest friends are ex-lovers. I figure, if you liked someone enough to want to sleep with them in the first place, they're probably still worth talking with, even after the sex part is done.

It does seem as if she's going through an especially hard time right now, though it's unclear whether she's grasping at straws to explain an unwanted piece of her identity, having a major psychotic break, or something in between. If you like or love someone who's majorly mentally ill (and I have, so I'm not throwing stones -- heck, crazy people need love, too. ), then you need to balance caring for the person and protecting yourself.

If she's just a little confused about her identity right now, that shouldn't be too bad for you, but if she's leaving reality behind and sailing off into a place where demons are serious explanatory devices, well, you do need to be a bit careful. I'd recommend hanging out with her only in public places, for example, until the demon thing is done. Even if you don't worry for your physical safety when with her alone, there's still the possibility of her accusing you of having done something bad to her during a time when you're alone. Someone who's thinking in terms of demons may be looking for a scapegoat, and a kinky ex-boyfriend seems like he could be a handy one.

The fact that she still confides in you and that she's confiding something like this suggests that she trusts you and sees you as a safe person with whom to share strange or icky things. There probably aren't very many people like that in her life. You should protect yourself first, but if you still care for her as a friend, then being available, even if only for coffee in a public place, could provide a needed buffer between her and disaster.

Good luck.

 

[Puman]

Straight Up? Put the flogger down and step away... That's what I would do.

The more sensitive version: It honestly sounds a little (to me) like she either wants some sort of validation and is stringing you along for the ride or she wants to get back together with you, but without the "demonic " stuff. She's still stringing you along for the ride though, and dangling on a string is not a good place to be. (Done that enough in my life)

Are you over this girl? If not, then tread very carefully and guard yourself.