Short story feedback - Passion Fruit

[Apollo3000]

Hi

I would appreciate any constructive feedback on a new short story I've written.

Author name - Apollo3000
Story name - Passion Fruit
Genre - BDSM

Story link - https://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?url=passion-fruit-2

Many thanks in advance

Jon

 

[Apollo3000]

To the 'Anonymous' person who just posted this in the comments section of my story:

"Why are you asking for feedback on the forum again, when you already got it back in July? I thought I recognized it and sure enough, there was this:

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1 329236"

Yes, I did ask for feedback in July, but that was simply on the opening two paragraphs of my story. I received some excellent feedback from writers on those paragraphs which I very much appreciated. I've now completed the story and was hoping to get some similar constructive feedback on how the story flowed overall.

I'm not sure the above comment was warranted - especially posted on the comments story of the story itself. If they'd posted it here, I'd have been happy to clarify.

 

[hadruprider]

No responses. OK I will give one though I don't have much to say. The story idea is good and the sex is quite hot. It is clearly male-written with some of the standard male fantasies. Craving cock, getting wet very quickly, frantic finger-fucking, staggering variety of positions... I found the long explanation on page 3 a bit dull - I think that could have been done more concisely, and does not help the story flow, which is what you asked about. Also it seems strange to introduce a new character Danny towards the end.

 

[Apollo3000]

Thanks - appreciate you taking the time to read the story and providing constructive feedback. Shortening the sex scenes is certainly something I'll bear in mind for future stories where the flow might be interrupted.