"Shelving" - Question for those of us w/the receiving end

[Marishi-ben]

I was at another site once, think it was a sub support group thing, and I glanced over a discussion of a phenomenon called "shelving". In essence being intensely, romantically, wonderfully courted by one's Dom (you know, all that stuff that curls the toes that we love so much) till possesion is assured and then ... a fall-off. Put "on the shelf" as it were.

Attempts to get off the shelf, to leave or to at least find out where all that passion went, are met with protestations of still very present affections. Maybe a flare-up of the old ways. The shelf-ee in question says, "ah OK that's that then, situation properly addressed, everything back to normal". But then, eventually, frustratingly, back to the shelf.

I should mention this seems not to be the fading of a relationship, LBD, or the last mile before the end kind of thing. Far from it. The Doms in question seem very intent on keeping the relationship. There's a parting of the ways on how, however.

There was quite a long discussion going on there, so I take it it's not entirely unknown. Unfortunately the posters weren't nearly as interesting as the folks here. Plus which I can't find the darn thing again.

Does anyone have experience of this? Is this a known Dom-ly thing? What did you do? What happened? Come sisters, points for honesty.

And as always, input from the other side is most cordially welcome. With thanks.

 

[MissTaken]

Do you think it is a normal path in any relationship? Some enjoy the spirit of the chase and then, when both have achieved that comfort zone which, at times includes predictability, the butterflies are gone and while no one is taken for granted, the touches, the romantic excitement are on a back burner? Perhaps for something more lasting, i.e. comaradery and togetherness as opposed to the wonderment of new love?


Or am I misunderstanding the post.

Is shelving less of a natural course and more of a planned thing?

I do think that this period in any relationship is a trial, a test, as it were. When you don't feel as important as you once did, or as loved or desirable as you once did, it can be a cross to bear that can lead to the end of a relationsihp that shouldn't otherwise end.

 

[Desdemona]

I agree with MissT. It seems like a natural evolution in the relationship to me. After all, in reality, you can't sustain fireworks on a daily basis indefinitely. There is a special sweetness when you can maintain and experience passion regularly in the face of life's daily drudgeries.

Yes, its a trial and a bit nerve wracking when it first happens. I can see how some might feel as if they've been put on a shelf. But if you talk it through and wait it out, you might find something even better on the other side of this relationship test.

Trusting your dominant extends beyond the time the cuffs come off and the flogger is put away.

 

[catalina_francisco]

While I was searching for the right one I met several D's who I felt would be very much into this mode of 'now I gotcha, I can sit back and relax and forget the romance'. That was part of why they never got much attention from me. I also agree it is part of most relationships, vanilla and otherwise, but I have never accepted that is the way it should be and think it is more people do not truly appreciate the love they have, take it for granted. Mind you I have also met people who just think that is the way it is done.

I made sure I was not going to fall into that trap again if I could help it. I consider myself a most fortunate and blessed woman and slave to be owned by Master, as like me, he also sees no reason why romance should end or lessen with the commitment of a relationship between two people, if anything it should increase. We have been committed for over a year and married for a year, and never a day goes by without us telling each other (usually in lots of detail) how grateful we are to have each other's love, how special the other is, how precious our love, how we love each other.

Added to the words are the actions we perform, even in the small ways, to make each other's day special. We still often send each other love emails through the day, e-cards, phone calls to say 'I love you', small surprises, and wake through every night to find we are wrapped around each other. It sounds like a fairytale, and in many ways it is, but it is real never the less and something we are strongly conscious of maintaining. I guess being highly emotional and passionate souls also helps keep the fires burning almost 24 hours a day. Whatever it is, I know I have never been loved so completely and honestly as I now am.

Catalina

 

[Desdemona]

Let me clarify my earlier post. I do not mean to imply that I feel in any way taken for granted. Every single day, Snooze does things to make me feel special and loved. I try to do things for Him as well so that He doesn't feel taken for granted. I just see it as a question of degree. The passion and fireworks have changed and evolved as our comfort level within the relationship has increased.

Its not the same as when we were first getting to know each other. But that's not a bad thing. I wouldn't trade what we have now for anything except perhaps for how I suspect it will deepen with time.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Let me clarify my earlier post. I do not mean to imply that I feel in any way taken for granted. Every single day, Snooze does things to make me feel special and loved. I try to do things for Him as well so that He doesn't feel taken for granted. I just see it as a question of degree. The passion and fireworks have changed and evolved as our comfort level within the relationship has increased.

Its not the same as when we were first getting to know each other. But that's not a bad thing. I wouldn't trade what we have now for anything except perhaps for how I suspect it will deepen with time.

Sorry if I gave the impression it was personally directed Des, as it was not intended. My view of couples taking each other for granted comes from 30 years of dating and being around dating people and the verbalised perception that once the commitment is made, it is natural for the passion and romance levels to change to a slower, more sporadic pace, and eventually become a non event for some. Is likely why there is so much infidelity....people hunger for that thrill again, that feeling someone desires them like when they were courting etc.

I don't, and have never agreed with the concept. As with many things, I refuse to accept something is a certain way because people believe it to be. Everyone has a choice to accept or not according to their needs. My needs might have been higher than some but without having them met I knew from experience the outcome, so chose to never go there again. Fortunately Master feels the same.

Our relationship is deeper every day with our being almost seeming to be one instead of two peple most times. We share things with each other we never have with another human being, nor ever thought we would. In doing this we find it increases the passion we have as well as the love, and in response deepens the relationship even further. We are also lucky in that we get to spend much of our time together, even while Master is working, so there is that sharing of every aspect of our day and night...and we still manage to get sprung by friends with our hands wandering and the fire igniting...think they are getting used to it. LOL.


Catalina

 

[Desdemona]

Actually, Catalina, you didn't give that impression at all. I just re-read my post and read yours and thought about it and realised I just didn't say everything I wanted to say.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

*Random dropkick to the throat*

I'm looking forward to shelving my submissive...how high up should the shelf be, do you think? And should I let her have a blankie?

Oh, wait...you don't mean using a submissive as a bookend, do you?

 

[s'lara]

i need to give this some thought.

my initial reaction is to say that a sub/slave is often objectified in their relationship with the Dominant and as such, can expect not to be the center of their Dominant's attention 24/7. We may be child-like sometimes, but we are not children - if our needs are not being met at an emotional level, i would think an open dialogue (with the permission of the Dominant) to address these feelings is in order.

Also, while the Dominant is the center of our (sub/slave) world, it does not mean the Dominant has to reciprocate the same - They are not here to serve us ... only nuture, guide and use. It is within their right, lest we forget, whether they provide us with even the most basic of things. While it is my belief a healthy "love" oriented D/s relationship should include passion, thoughtfulness and closeness, it is still a matter for the Dominant to control.

More later when i can get my head together. Some other things come to mind - expectations in relationships of a Dominant/sub and Master/slave nature. How they differ from what we call vanilla. Also, how do we navigate the fine line of submitting to Someone and maintaining that initial attention/fire/passion without topping from the bottom?

i'm interested in hearing topic related commentary from the Dominants.

lara

 

[Ebonyfire]

I have never heard of this phenomenon relationg to FemDom.

Is it a Male Dom Femdom occurence? It does not relate to Me, but there are other Femdoms out there, so perhaps they have a perspective on this.

 

[Marishi-ben]

Do you think it is a normal path in any relationship?

Not this particular issue. More towards normal I think, is what you describe. That relationships change and hopefully grow over time and that the butterflies are supplanted by something hopefully deeper. Different, but equally or even more satisfying for both. The "wonderment of new love" replaced with the wonderment of present love. The gratefulness that that deserves.

No, this seems to be more along the lines of a being taken for granted kind of thing.

Is shelving less of a natural course and more of a planned thing?

Or a trait? Don't know. That was the nature of my inquiry.

 

[Marishi-ben]

Originally posted by catalina_francisco
>I met several D's who I felt would be very much into this mode of 'now I gotcha, I can sit back and relax and forget the romance'.

Yup. That's the attitude I think we're talking about.

>I have never accepted that is the way it should be and think it is more people do not truly appreciate the love they have, take it for granted.

Here, here!

>I consider myself a most fortunate and blessed woman

After reading the rest of your post I'm pretty sure we all do.

>but it is real never the less and something we are strongly conscious of maintaining.

Precisely. Thoughtfullness, attention, maintenence would seem to be necessary at any stage.

 

[Mr Blonde]

I guess you are describing something that I somewhat have a pattern of doing. Women seem to initially be attracted to be because I am confident, stimulating, diverse and ambitious. We go through a courting period where I try to share myself and learn as much about her as possible. After that, I try to incorporate the relationship into my normal life (encouraging her to do the same) and see how it goes.

It normally does not go well. As soon as we are attached--and I resume doing all the things that make me a confident, stimulating, diverse and ambitious guy--she will feel neglected and shelved. We no longer have two hour intense conversations on a daily basis. I am monogomous to her, but I resume interacting with all of my other friends and colleagues. She seems ready to drop significant parts of her life just to focus on me, where I am amenable to restructuring my free time to be with her when I can.

I am not intentionally shelving her because she is my property and I am trying to be disrespectful. I do admit to putting our relationship on back burner on certain days so I can resume being a dominant male. If female submissives want to complain about shelving, I guess male dominants such as myself would counter with this argument:

She was attracted to be because I was confident, ambitious and successful....and now that she has me in a relationship she wants me to abandon all those intrinsic qualities to be a clingy beta male who hurries home at 5 PM for an evening of dinner followed by crappy sitcom television where we chat about our workday during commercial breaks.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I guess you are describing something that I somewhat have a pattern of doing. Women seem to initially be attracted to be because I am confident, stimulating, diverse and ambitious. We go through a courting period where I try to share myself and learn as much about her as possible. After that, I try to incorporate the relationship into my normal life (encouraging her to do the same) and see how it goes.

It normally does not go well. As soon as we are attached--and I resume doing all the things that make me a confident, stimulating, diverse and ambitious guy--she will feel neglected and shelved. We no longer have two hour intense conversations on a daily basis. I am monogomous to her, but I resume interacting with all of my other friends and colleagues. She seems ready to drop significant parts of her life just to focus on me, where I am amenable to restructuring my free time to be with her when I can.

I am not intentionally shelving her because she is my property and I am trying to be disrespectful. I do admit to putting our relationship on back burner on certain days so I can resume being a dominant male. If female submissives want to complain about shelving, I guess male dominants such as myself would counter with this argument:

She was attracted to be because I was confident, ambitious and successful....and now that she has me in a relationship she wants me to abandon all those intrinsic qualities to be a clingy beta male who hurries home at 5 PM for an evening of dinner followed by crappy sitcom television where we chat about our workday during commercial breaks.

I can in part see where you are coming from, but though not meaning to offend, also think it is partly your responsibility. In entering into relationships in the past, and with Master, I tried to remain as everyday as was possible, as did he, so there was not a falling for someone for who they are during the courtship, then finding after all is settled and secure, that person changes. If women fall for you initially as being the things you say they are attracted to, why change that once they express interest in whatever way, to be someone different....test out if that is what they really want.

It is possible, from your own actions, they think you are one of those people who use your work etc., to block out loneliness, not because that is intrinsicaly who you are, especially if during the dating game you give so much undivided attention. That is a bit like the person who goes on vacation and falls in love with a person or place, and expect it to be the same when they return to it/them in everyday life. Often they have forgotten to look at the reality that it is not everyday lifelike, and if you are acting out a different personality and behaviour initially while getting to know each other, it is that person they are falling in love with, not the one who then 'puts them on the backburner' for everything and everyone else. Is why in my search, honesty in all things was such a big thing for me..I wanted to know who I would be with Monday to Friday as well as weekends and holidays, not a person who put their life on hold to entice me. Those ones were quickly crossed off the list, though I understood why they did it. I wanted reality, not a dream...luckily I got both in the same dominant, loving package.

Catalina

 

[Mr Blonde]

Catalina, I am not offended at all and it is good you are able to offer the perspective of someone who is in their own form of an ideal relationship. Most posters are coming from the perspective of being without a relationship or being in a flawed relationship. I could dress up my answers to make myself sound better, but I try to be honest (and I hope others--including the female submissives--do the same) because we all learn quicker that way.

To the issue, I am still under 30 years old but have already tried it a few other ways. If I let relationships develop gradually, I might find myself dating a woman for four months and still not know much about her. I am out of my comfort zone having her submit to me because the relationship is too shallow. I have also had (unhealthy) relationships where the woman did not know much about me but used her imagination to fill in the details.

Focusing on her during the courtship and then (not intentionally, but admittedly) becoming less attentive once in the relationship is far from perfect, but it makes me (and hopefully her) more comfortable than the alternatives. Again, this is the real world and I am transparently replying to the original poster's question.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Catalina, I am not offended at all and it is good you are able to offer the perspective of someone who is in their own form of an ideal relationship. Most posters are coming from the perspective of being without a relationship or being in a flawed relationship. I could dress up my answers to make myself sound better, but I try to be honest (and I hope others--including the female submissives--do the same) because we all learn quicker that way.

To the issue, I am still under 30 years old but have already tried it a few other ways. If I let relationships develop gradually, I might find myself dating a woman for four months and still not know much about her. I am out of my comfort zone having her submit to me because the relationship is too shallow. I have also had (unhealthy) relationships where the woman did not know much about me but used her imagination to fill in the details.

Focusing on her during the courtship and then (not intentionally, but admittedly) becoming less attentive once in the relationship is far from perfect, but it makes me (and hopefully her) more comfortable than the alternatives. Again, this is the real world and I am transparently replying to the original poster's question.

Me, I like your honesty. I find it a rare thing in today's world and firmly believe if more people could be honest with themselves and others, there would be less unhappiness and need for therapy and angst. LOL.

Catalina

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[Desdemona]

Mr. Blonde, I applaud your honesty. However, I agree with Pink Orchid. I think that if you were to take it slow and continue all your normal activities while making some time for the woman, you would have much better succcess. That way, the relationship wouldn't have an abrupt change. The normal ebbs and flows of a relationship are hard enough without that. Good luck to you.

Besides, those activites are a part of who you are. If you are sharing yourself with her, she might as well get a feel for your normal way of life.

 

[Marishi-ben]

I was once involved with a man who complained that his relationships tended to end with his partners complaining that he was a “workaholic”. For my own part, what ended it for me wasn’t how much he worked. You’re right Mr. Blond, part (but only a part) of what attracted me to him was his drive, confidence and the sure-handed way he navigated his life. I applauded his successes, knew what it took to achieve them and loved to watch him do his thing.

And like Pink I would call myself a “secure, confident, successful, happy woman” with a very full life. If he had suddenly turned into The Amazing Wussy Man, coming home at 5 to be a clingy Beta Male, I would have left him in a heartbeat.

No, what killed it for me was that in those moments we did manage to squeeze out of our schedules to be together, the quality changed. As I said, what he did was only a part of my attraction. The other part was what he did when we were together. What he did specifically with me. The level of intimacy, the feeling of being special to him, the small—not big, acts of affection, that had been so very present in the earlier times slowed to a trickle and eventually faded almost completely. At that point I sort of got the feeling that I’d been the victim of false advertising. It got, well, boring. Eventually I said Adios.

Just my two cents. Thanks so much for your reply and transparent honestly. Gutsy. I applaud that too. Big time.

And by the way I love your avatar.