She Had The Bad Fortune...

[dr_mabeuse]

Came across this statment in a book and it's been bothering me ever since:

"She had the bad fortune to fall in love with her best friend."

It made me think about the difference between being someone's friend and being someone's lover, whether they're the same or not, and if not, why not.

I finally decided that yes, the statement made sense, that falling in love with your best friend could be a real tragedy. A friend is not a lover. A friend is someone you know entirely, a lover is someone for whom there must always be some mystery within which your imagination can operate. I even concluded that friendship is the graveyard of many a torrid love affair.

What do you think? Should your lover be your best friend, or are they different animals entirely?

 

[rgraham666]

I disagree. It's entirely possible, in my opinion, for friends to be lovers.

Too sleepy to expound on that at the moment, but that's my first thought.

 

[impressive]

This has been in my Favorites links since my very early days at Lit:

Wayward
by RisiaSkye©

and this is the way I spend my day
writing down the words
I cannot say to you,
the dreams that scare me
with their beauty, and the moments
of simple care that shake
the foundation of my disbelief system
and capture this passion in
stark relief, making me ache
for you all over
again.

and I've heard that one should never
fall in love with a friend
unless willing to see all that was
cherished end with averted eyes,
uncomfortable silences and an abrupt stagger
through hell. the rending violence of
lost love compounded by the
yearning to tell, to confide in
the architect of such uncharted
agonies.

and I know that passion and
desire bordering on obsession or
possession
can play passenger to simple lust
or sidecar to the repression of it.
such fires never last, only able to burn
hot and fast and furious and so
so quickly that all is consumed
leaving only the ashes of trust
and hands full of regrets. but
my heart won't let that be true of this
emotion, won't allow me to forget the days
dedicated to so many
smiles & dreams & laughs
& tears & jokes & memories
fragments of selves
that only seem new because fear
always tries to choke life and
replace hope and faith with
lament.

and I've thought more than my mind
can hold, loved more than here --or ever--
told, and still there's so much untapped,
unseen, whole territories of my
devotion to you unmapped.
and I've come to the conclusion that
my considerable confusion is just
another side effect of the way
you affect me without even meaning
to. so whatever else it is--and it
might be crazy, could be evil,
is possibly worse than unfair and into
sincerely perverse--i know this
much is true:
I cannot & will not
pretend for anyone that
I don't love you.

I memorized it. Recorded it. Lived it for a couple of years.

So, yes. The sentence resonates with me.


ETA: That's not to say I believe it's impossible to be both best friends & lovers. I *know* that's possible. However, to fall in love with one's best friend when being lovers is just not gonna happen? That's its own form of hell.

 

[Just-Legal]

Came across this statment in a book and it's been bothering me ever since:

"She had the bad fortune to fall in love with her best friend."

It made me think about the difference between being someone's friend and being someone's lover, whether they're the same or not, and if not, why not.

I finally decided that yes, the statement made sense, that falling in love with your best friend could be a real tragedy. A friend is not a lover. A friend is someone you know entirely, a lover is someone for whom there must always be some mystery within which your imagination can operate. I even concluded that friendship is the graveyard of many a torrid love affair.

What do you think? Should your lover be your best friend, or are they different animals entirely?

The fiance and I were best friends for six years before we bececame lovers. He knows more about me than anyone else, and I him. It *can* work, but if it goes wrong, you lose more than if it were a stranger you were in love with.

 

[Vermilion]

Yes, falling in love with a friend is scary and dangerous, I've done it in the past and lost everything. If it works, it can be wonderful, but the tragedy is in what you could lose if it goes wrong, not what you gain when it works.

It was the other way round with me... The Fiance and I were lovers first, but he is now my very best friend. No secrets - neither of us can keep them. No mystery - there doesn;t need to be. Being a partnership isn;t about mystery, and games and what's kept hidden, but about knowing all of a person and still wanting them. Being friends first allows you to find that out first.

x
V

 

[neonlyte]

I rejoice in growing to become my lover's best friend, fortunately, it worked both ways. I'm not convinced it would have worked if we'd first been best friends.

The 'give and take' in love is quite different from that bestowed upon a best friend. It not only had different boundaries, it has different reward. Intangibles, granted, but requiring a higher level of commitment from that of being 'best friend'. I suppose I'd do anything for my best friend but happily die for my love.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

My best friend is a much younger woman. I was her mentor many years ago. She is a definite 10 in terms of beauty, and has a PhD. We do lunch every week. Trade gossip and confidences. And thats it.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I'm not sure friendship isn't stronger than love. I rather think it is. Lovers break up rather easily. It's rare that you hear of good friends ever "breaking up".

 

[Vermilion]

I'm not sure friendship isn't stronger than love. I rather think it is. Lovers break up rather easily. It's rare that you hear of good friends ever "breaking up".

Usually when they become lovers first...

 

[tickledkitty]

Maybe it's because with friends the love is more unconditional. We like to say it is with lovers, but is it really? Friends seem to accept you for who and what you are. They don't have to approve of you. I think lovers do though. Maybe because it's a reflection on them? Not sure.

That fear of losing everything when you fall in love with a friend is the worst. Even if the love thing works out, the friendship is changed forever. I think you lose your friend either way.

 

[WRJames]

My wife and I were good friends -- I would not say "best" friends, but certainly part of a group of friends that hung out together. Everyone was aware, more or less, that our romantic interests lay elsewhere. Even after we started dating, it wasn't quite clear that we were more than just good friends -- it was, lterally, at the point we got engaged that we declared that our friendship had blossomed into love.

Strange, isn't it? But we both had a lot of disentangling to do, other loves that had to be set aside. And all very quietly. None of the rest of the group of friends we were part of had any inkling of what was going on.

That was in the early 70's. We are still best friends, along with everything else, and often that friendship is what carries us through some of the dark times.

 

[BlackShanglan]

I think we ask less of friends, at least in comparison to lovers in long-term relationships. Acts of generosity, kindness, and sacrifice that would deeply impress us in a friend, we simply expect of the lover. Friends get more down time, as well; they don't have to display powerful commitment *and* deal with the daily grind of household chores, finances, and family demands, plus satisfy us sexually as well.

Being a true and excellent friend is indeed real work, and I'm very grateful for the ones I have. I try to return the joy they give me. But being my lover - lord. There's only one person on earth with the stamina for it, and that's not a comment on my sexual capacity. It's an honest acknowledgement of the remarkable patience and dedication that it takes.

 

[Vermilion]

I think we ask less of friends, at least in comparison to lovers in long-term relationships. Acts of generosity, kindness, and sacrifice that would deeply impress us in a friend, we simply expect of the lover. Friends get more down time, as well; they don't have to display powerful commitment *and* deal with the daily grind of household chores, finances, and family demands, plus satisfy us sexually as well.

Being a true and excellent friend is indeed real work, and I'm very grateful for the ones I have. I try to return the joy they give me. But being my lover - lord. There's only one person on earth with the stamina for it, and that's not a comment on my sexual capacity. It's an honest acknowledgement of the remarkable patience and dedication that it takes.

From someone who feels she's gone above and beyond the last few days - A-fucking-men.

x
V

 

[Liar]

There can be complications from a firend becoming a lover. I've never experienced those complications, but I know others that have.

However, a lover that is not also your friend is not really a lover, but something else. Sometimes an emotionally convenient arrangement, somtimes... I dunno... a fuck aquaintance?.

Or maybe you folks put other values in the words than I do.

 

[The_Fool]

Or maybe you folks put other values in the words than I do.

You made a comment there that is in harmony with my thoughts. Lover and Friend are two words that, in general, mean the same to all of us, but in specific, differ from person to person.

Lovers touch my body, friends touch my soul. Some lovers are friends, some are not. The difference in familiarity to me is significant.

 

[neonlyte]

I'm not sure friendship isn't stronger than love. I rather think it is. Lovers break up rather easily. It's rare that you hear of good friends ever "breaking up".

Then the lovers didn't make the transition beyond a mutual (or sometimes singular) desire to discover the confusing joys of friendship. Could it be that when things 'go bad' a friend gets hurt, and a lover gets angry? When things go well a friend is happy and a lover slightly disappointed?

 

[Stella_Omega]

A young woman of my acquaintance was on the phone with her new boyfriend-- very new, only a few weeks.
When she got off, she laughed and said;
"When I talk with almost any friend, I say; 'okay, bye, I love you' before I hang up. But I just can't say that to this guy-- it means something else. I can't say it casually and I'm not sure if it's true yet."