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calmlikeabomb said:
Thank you. And yes, it is. Like I said, it's not for everyone.

I struggled with that bit too, because I wanted a violent, visceral image, and thrust wasn't just cutting it, and I have used lashed in a few other places.

Some of this will get cleaned up in my edit pass, but I might just keep the word and work my way around it to make the sentence flow better.
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Can I offer you a "jabbed"? Inherently associated with the violent act of punching. Or even "punched" itself. Stabbed is okay, if the context justifies it. I just got caught off guard by that one.
 
calmlikeabomb said:
Against his chest her breasts were crushed, slamming wildly, to oblivion they rushed
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That's a run-on. It has two subjects and two predicates. ; )

Techincally it's wrong, but it's okay to do that. It depends on your narrative voice. Although in this case you're using an omniscient so usually in that PoV grammar is adhered to more strictly. It does depend on the voice of the rest of the piece though. If this is an isolated occurrence, you might want to fix it because it's a bit of a sore thumb, but if such structures are commonplace within your narrative then it will fit in with the rest just fine.
 
pink_silk_glove said:
That's a run-on. It has two subjects and two predicates. ; )

Techincally it's wrong, but it's okay to do that. It depends on your narrative voice. Although in this case you're using an omniscient so usually in that PoV grammar is adhered to more strictly. It does depend on the voice of the rest of the piece though. If this is an isolated occurrence, you might want to fix it because it's a bit of a sore thumb, but if such structures are commonplace within your narrative then it will fit in with the rest just fine.
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You might be right, but it doesn't matter.

I wrote it this way because I wanted to. Because I felt the poetry and rhythm flow when I was in the zone. It might feel stunted or amateurish, but it's a short life and I will use my words in a way that gives me pleasure.

Oftentimes, that means taking a sledgehammer to '10 most common writing tips', but I don't care, as long as I get little gems that I can be proud of.
 
Kelliezgirl said:
Feels almost Seussical.
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THANK YOU! I was partially trying to capture the aburdity of it all too. The story is partly a very cheezy masala bollywood film, with all the theater and ridiculousness it entails.

The challenge I had set for myself to see if I could go for something very outlandish, but still make it work. Hopefully folks will find enough things to enjoy, that they would not mind the mammoth sized helping of cheese dribbling out of every paragraph and scene.
 
cw5523729 said:
Imagine what fun erotic lit Suess could have created!

I do not like it in my bum, I do not like it in my tum, not on my face nor in my hair nor flying around everywhere, I do not like all that cum
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Yeah... I write I/T exclusively. There's a brother and sister in The Cat in the Hat. I have a very terrifying plot bunny written down that is just staring at me, daring me to write the brother and sister all grown up, when the Cat comes back and compels them to have sex somehow. It's twisted and I'm afraid of that one.
 
ADirtyPerv said:
Yeah... I write I/T exclusively. There's a brother and sister in The Cat in the Hat. I have a very terrifying plot bunny written down that is just staring at me, daring me to write the brother and sister all grown up, when the Cat comes back and compels them to have sex somehow. It's twisted and I'm afraid of that one.
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That reminds me of the Folgers commercial from a bunch of years ago

 
ADirtyPerv said:
Yeah... I write I/T exclusively. There's a brother and sister in The Cat in the Hat. I have a very terrifying plot bunny written down that is just staring at me, daring me to write the brother and sister all grown up, when the Cat comes back and compels them to have sex somehow. It's twisted and I'm afraid of that one.
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Amusing as that sounds, (and it sounds fucking hilarious,) I'm pretty sure it's actually against site rules and would be shut down immediately:
Celebrity stories or fan fiction in which the characters are artificially aged - that is, under 18 years old in reality or in the source material, but made to be over 18 for the story.
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cw5523729 said:
That reminds me of the Folgers commercial from a bunch of years ago
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Oh man, I went down a rabbit hole of the history of that commercial a few years ago (before I got entirely comfortable with my kinks), and it is wild. Apparently there's an entire niche sub-sub-sub genre of erotica devoted to "Folgercest" (including a work or two on this very website).
 
TheExperimentalist said:
Amusing as that sounds, (and it sounds fucking hilarious,) I'm pretty sure it's actually against site rules and would be shut down immediately:
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Eh. I think I'd sneak it through. In the thousand words or so that I wrote, they reference their two encounters as a thing that happened in the past that they've since grown from (the Cat is like the boogeyman in this version). It's not artificial aging where I say "oh this is exactly that but they're 18 now" it's "and now they look back on those events, having aged to adulthood, and shudder in horror". Literal aging, and then they have a third encounter in a more fleshed out world. I remember Eldridgein00 getting his FFX-2 fanfic booted because he set it directly in the early events of the game, where Yuna was very much not of age. Yet there's an ATLA story set way later on here.

It's certainly possible it gets booted, if I ever write it fully, but I think it depends on how it's handled.
 
cw5523729 said:
Imagine what fun erotic lit Suess could have created!

I do not like it in my bum, I do not like it in my tum, not on my face nor in my hair nor flying around everywhere, I do not like all that cum
Click to expand...

cw5523729 said:
Hmmm, I'm more of a limerick person than Doctor Suess but I do love a good challenge
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@NuclearFairy - it took me a few days but I finally got my Suess on
 
ADirtyPerv said:
Eh. I think I'd sneak it through. In the thousand words or so that I wrote, they reference their two encounters as a thing that happened in the past that they've since grown from (the Cat is like the boogeyman in this version). It's not artificial aging where I say "oh this is exactly that but they're 18 now" it's "and now they look back on those events, having aged to adulthood, and shudder in horror". Literal aging, and then they have a third encounter in a more fleshed out world. I remember Eldridgein00 getting his FFX-2 fanfic booted because he set it directly in the early events of the game, where Yuna was very much not of age. Yet there's an ATLA story set way later on here.

It's certainly possible it gets booted, if I ever write it fully, but I think it depends on how it's handled.
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Thing 1 and Thing 2 arrive to make it a group scene....
 
Kelliezgirl said:
Thing 1 and Thing 2 arrive to make it a group scene....
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The thought occurred, but that opens far too many doors. If there's one thing I know I can't do well, it's group sex. I think I prefer the idea of the Cat being a semi-malevolent entity that does all this ridiculous stuff to get the siblings off balance, kinda terrified, and then coerce them into having sex. It's functionally erotic horror, but the Cat is sexless, and the siblings become just a conduit for his psychosis.
 
ADirtyPerv said:
The thought occurred, but that opens far too many doors. If there's one thing I know I can't do well, it's group sex. I think I prefer the idea of the Cat being a semi-malevolent entity that does all this ridiculous stuff to get the siblings off balance, kinda terrified, and then coerce them into having sex. It's functionally erotic horror, but the Cat is sexless, and the siblings become just a conduit for his psychosis.
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Does the Cat in the Hat get shaved at some point? Because the jokes would just write themselves at that point.
 
cw5523729 said:
Does the Cat in the Hat get shaved at some point? Because the jokes would just write themselves at that point.
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"Why, Sally, you're ever so furry. Step into my shave-a-ma-jigger, never to worry! We'll get you hairless and neat, and then you'll ride the meat!" (Pardon the non-Seussical prose)

And then he steps in to demonstrate.
 
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