shamelessly seeking feedback for my story

[three eyes open]

I'm Very Good When I'm Bad

Please tell me if you think it's good or vomit-inducing or what. BDSM type fic.

-3eyes

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Please don't take my comments as being harsh. I intend them to help you in future writting.

The story basis is a nice one but here are the things I noticed that could have used some editing.

"I am standing with my writs bound, my arms held upward. I dare a look at my master to see his expression. "

misspelled wrists and could have possibly eliminated the comma by saying
I am standing with my wrists bound and my arms held upward.
I think " I dare to look at my master sounds better than "a look at my master.

"He begins to explore my body with hands and mouth. His hands mold my breasts and I sigh, reveling in his touch. He crouches suddenly and his tongue traces patterns on my stomach and abdomen. I moan and shiver as he works his way down to my pubic hair. His hands pull my legs apart farther and I’m shaking now as his mouth keeps going lower "


Stomach or abdomen would have been fine, they are so much the same that it makes it sound redundant.


"He starts to tease my inner lips with his tongue. Slowly he works his over every bit of me outside and his fingers gently pull me apart. "

This is confusing, is the word his not supposed to be here? Is "me" supposed to be "my".



"I’m hearing these sounds that I realize are me crying out in pleasure."

To me this structure doesn't work. Perhaps saying it like this:
I suddenly realize the crying sounds I hear are coming from me, crying out in pleasure.

"He growls to tell me to keep control of myself, I know, but the sound arouses me further. "

Again structure, tell would sound better as " he growls, telling me to keep control of myself. I know I should but the sounds arouse me.
Whenever possible it is better to show rather than tell in a story this sentence would have been a great spot for dialogue.


I'm going to stop here, re-read your story and look for misspelled words, missing words and getting someone to edit would be a good idea.

You have a good start, don't give up. The more you write the better and easier it will get.

Wicked

 

[kristydoll]

I will offer some general comments.

First off, you have a story in mind to tell and the details you wish to deliver. I agree with the advice given already. You need to go back and tighten up your writing to make this read better. By doing that, this will work much better for you.

The scene between the three is good - but the last line jarred me: “Yes,“ I hear the stranger say, “she’ll do nicely for the guys this weekend.” I'm not sure why it did that, but it didn't work for me here. I was not offended/surprised by the other man entering the picture earlier but his comment at the end came out of nowhere.

Keep writing!

kristy

 

[three eyes open]

Thanks for the suggestions. I'll get on it soon. Very busy right now.

Btw, does anyone know any good synonyms for "labia"? I don't really like some of the ones I hear, like twat, poontang, etc.

-3eyes

 

[dr_mabeuse]

If you want a synonym for the labia themselves, and not just the vagina, I often use "petals of her sex", others use "lips" or "nether lips". Vylva might be too clinical.

You have a tendency to write in present tense, "He kisses", "He takes:, etc. But when you describe what you yourself (or the narrator) is doing, you switch to "I'm kissing..." "I'm screaming..." To be concsistent it should be "I kiss" or "I scream" etc.

For this to work you're going to have the descriptions of what's going on so vivid and juicy that they'll carry the story. Otherwise it's just a description of a sexual act, and, for all the weird stuff that's going on, it won't be very vivid.

---dr.M.

 

[Cyberguy]

Ending Twist

I actually liked the twist at the end. I can envision her exhausted by what has just happened and hearing that it was just a test drive for what is to come, leaving one imagining what the weekend experience will be.

I won't repeat the comments that have been made previously regarding spelling, tense, etc. Running a story by a one of Lit's story editors or a friend with a good proofreading eye (and penchant for your interests) is a good idea.

Another suggestion is to break your paragraphs more frequently. Lit uses a fairly large font and narrow columns, so longer paragraphs tend to get pretty dense.

If you write fast and fervently, by all means go with it. But then let it sit for a couple days, go back, and correct, look up words that might be misspelled, etc.

Regarding, labia, I tend to go with "lips".