Sexually Frustrated Newlywed (kinda long)

[Blackpearlz]

My husband and I have been married for about seven months and I'm embarrased to admit I'm already feeling sexually stifled. To get right to the point, our sex has become quite predictable and I'm frustrated because I don't have orgasms when we're having sex as often as I'd like. I'm not sure what to do about it. This may be a little long, but bear with me. Part of the help simply comes from putting this down for the first time in black & white.

A little background...we dated for almost 4 years before we married. We're both 27 with no babies (except for our lovely calico kitten Cleo), employed and generally living well. We're not Mr. & Ms. Universe, but we're pretty fit and attractive. We recently moved a new state where we barely know anyone, but we're happy here, hope to start a family in 2-3 years.

Our problem, in my opinion, is that we don't cum "in sync." More often than not, I don't cum at all. I don't want to put it all on him and say that he simply climaxes to fast. Maybe it's me taking to long. Or maybe we're just not doing something right. My biggest fear is that he doesn't desire me enough to even want to make it better because he's generally satisfied. Why wouldn't he be? He comes every time, and I don't. Forgive my cynicism. I don't think there's any one person to blame... whatever it is, we just can't seem to get it together, and after 4 years that's buggin the hell outta me.

Our basic lovemaking pattern: a little kissing, some mild foreplay (maybe 5-15 min of this altogether), and then I typically, but not always, go down on him (which i LOVE doing).

From this point on one of two things happens. 1) He comes and then goes down on me. I feel pressured to orgasm and he doesn't seem "into it" (it's as if he feels pressured to make me cum), and then I cum 15-20 minutes later and it's over.

Or 2) we have intercourse (w/condoms as b.c.) and he comes quickly--3-5 minutes (doesn't matter what position...or does it?). Sometimes (maybe a third of the time) I have an orgasm during intercourse. I know I'd better make it happen quickly for myself or I'll be high and dry. But when he asks me if I've come and I say no, he goes down on me again. But like before, he doesn't seem into it.

We've talked about it, and not just once or twice, but numerous times over the past year or so. He says he's never had a girlfriend bring up the issue. I'm the first. We've run the gamut of emotions, from angry, accusing arguments in the heat of the moment to heartfelt Sunday afternoon talks on the couch. We've talked so many times, I started to feel like I was constantly bitching about it...so after awhile i just stopped bringing it up. It's gotten to the point where, when the sex ends and I haven't cum, I often waive it off as a non-issue just to avoid the high-pressure pussy eating. Then I read some Literotica stories and get busy with the multi-speed vibrator when I'm alone.

To maintain his erection, we tried the cock ring, but he didn't like it and it ended up getting stuck inside of me (yikes!). We've got a few porn tapes, but getting him horny is not the problem--it's what happens when we're in bed. He doesn't masturbate, which I find strange for a man but it's true with him. I'm not sure of all the reasons why (maybe a guilt thing because he was raised Catholic?). I masturbate pretty regularly, and have been since I was 12. Sometimes I wonder if that's affecting our stamina. Maybe it's our method of birth control. From time to time I ask him if he has any fantasies... he really doesn't have any. I've got more than enough for both of us.

I don't want to accept that it's going to be this way for the rest of our married lives. I love my husband and I want our sex life to be great. I'm not looking for hour-long sessions and fireworks every night. I simply wish he was more interested, or at least as motivated as I am, in making it fun for both of us. I'm willing to try any number of things.

I know we're not the first couple to have these issues, and we certainly won't be the last. Do you have any ideas for how we can kickstart our relatively-young love life and make it more enjoyable for both of us?

 

[Guest]

All I can say is I feel for you and my heart goes out to you. I don't even remember the last time I had sex. The last time my man went down on me was long before that even. And, most of the time I do not cum. When we do have sex, I almost never get foreplay, yet I suck him each time. (That's how he prefers to "finish".)

I wish I had some advice for you, but alas, I'm in the same or worse boat. Good luck and I wish you well.

 

[entitled]

Here's a thought: after he cums, why not push him back, tell him to relax, and masturbate in front of him? That way you can show him what you like, how you like it, and he'll see just how enjoyable it is for you when you do cum.

 

[alvin462]

maybe outside help

Sometimes outside issues and pressures can cause problems. Maybe outside help ( doctor of head problems ) could help. Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees. Just talking to someone outside the relationship can help. I wish you both good luck, and hang in .

 

[ExtacyCouple]

First of all you both need to realize that you are not going to oragasm from strait intercourse every time. And secondly, I think it might be unrealistic for to think that you are going to oragasm everytime. So you need to get a little creative, and the routine should never be the same everytime. Break out the toys and have some fun. Does he ever use the vibrator on you? If not give it to him and teach him how to use it. A vibrator or a dildo and a tongue can go a long way.

Then, when he is least expecting it make sex all about him. Don't worry about or put the pressure on him to give you an oragasm. Save all that for another night. After a night of sex that is purely about him, next time he will want to preform for you.


Another thing to think about is that I am sure that he's not to stoked on himself for not being able to give you the oragasm that you want, which would make him reluctant to talk about it. Don't make him feel bad about it. But reward him tremendously when he does come through for you. I know, it sounds like I am telling you how to train a dog.

As a last ditch effort, start paying more attention to your vibrator. He will get the hint. (just kidding!)

 

[Tine]

Holy Grail

Sometimes there just seems to be so much pressure to orgasm - it's become the Holy Grail of sex.

But I have been where you are now - my husband would caress me till I was wet enough to receive him, then hump til he came, sometimes, more by luck so would I.

On night he caught me masturbating afterwards (I thought he was asleep). That provoked a long chat deep into the night. One of the things we did was what Entiteled said - I'd kneel before him, after he'd cum and masturbate till I came too. Soemties this made him hard again, but because it wasn't long since he'd cum he could bring me off again, but even now I have to make sure that we are positioned so there's plenty of friction on my clit or hood or one of us strokes me there.

But, and this is why I'm writing at all, the real turning point was when we started enjoying all of sex, not just the orgasm. Maybe showering together, or massage, all part of very extended foreplay, which had us both on the point of grabbing at each other knowing that any second we'd explode - and that's the trick for us - I don't let him get it into me til we are both ready to pop!!!

 

[lorddragonwolf]

there have been some good responses. you have also mentioned posistions, try being on top. several women i have been with reach orgasm quicker that way.

 

[HoldenMcCrank]

just a thought

Do you have any fantasies? If so tell him and then play them out. Make sure that his participation must be 100% and enthusiastic or it won't work.

Another idea is the next time you are in the mood don't tell him just lye down and start masturbating in front of him. I am sure he will join in soon enough. If not make your self cum and then say that you will be glad to teach him how to do that if he would like to learn.

Good luck

Holden

 

[Gods_Favorite]

I was in the same position as you after me and my wife got married our sex life became routine also, thats when I started introducing sex toys into the mix like realistic looking dildos, vibrators, butt plugs, and I bought her a hot spice garterbelt set and a latex string bikini to wear before we get down to business, and also we started on some anal play on me and her, I started giving her rimjobs and having anal sex with her alot, then she started to really like that, especially if shes sucking the dildo at the same time I'm doing her god that gets me so fucking hot, anyways, you guys basically got to try new things that interest you, hopefully I helped.

 

[SlickTony]

Clitoral stimulation during intercourse, by him or by you, is also helpful. At least 70% of women need it to get off, yet this goes largely unmentioned, especially in literature, especially mainstream literature (not so much here).

 

[Blackpearlz]

Thank you all so much. There are some good ideas here that I'd like to try, particularly masturbating in front of him and not letting him inside right away. I appreciate the help, yall. and i'll report back on how it goes.

 

[Noor]

My suggestion is that you come first and then go down on him, he'll be more in to it when he hasn't come yet.

 

[ridddder]

Nobody has mentioned this yet, but if you knew this was a problem prior to marriage, did you think getting married would magically just solve them all?

I think both of you have some unrealistic expectations, it really doesn't matter if you cum together at all. Of all the times I have ever had sex, I only remember cumming together about 5% of the time.What is important here is not about orgasming together, but pleasing each other.

I would say his lackluster enthusiam makes him seem selfish, and incompassionate. What kind of lover only cares if he orgasms, and feigns interest when asked to reciprocate? It is also hard to believe that he is almost 30, and has the foreplay skills of a teenager, I mean come on who puts up with that?

Try to remember good lovers are taught, not born. It may take some time to get in synch, yet if you didn't take the time to do it prior to marriage, it is hard to all of the sudden just have that.

This isn't about toys, or love games but about attitude. Somehow you are going to have to let him know that you need more. In my opinion it shouldn't have even gotten this far, without that. However you are here, so you must develop skills of sharing your feelings of sex, and desire in more giving, and pleasing ways. Otherwise you are in for a very bumpy ride.

 

[Guest]

Nobody has mentioned this yet, but if you knew this was a problem prior to marriage, did you think getting married would magically just solve them all?

I think both of you have some unrealistic expectations, it really doesn't matter if you cum together at all. Of all the times I have ever had sex, I only remember cumming together about 5% of the time.What is important here is not about orgasming together, but pleasing each other.

I would say his lackluster enthusiam makes him seem selfish, and incompassionate. What kind of lover only cares if he orgasms, and feigns interest when asked to reciprocate? It is also hard to believe that he is almost 30, and has the foreplay skills of a teenager, I mean come on who puts up with that?

Try to remember good lovers are taught, not born. It may take some time to get in synch, yet if you didn't take the time to do it prior to marriage, it is hard to all of the sudden just have that.

This isn't about toys, or love games but about attitude. Somehow you are going to have to let him know that you need more. In my opinion it shouldn't have even gotten this far, without that. However you are here, so you must develop skills of sharing your feelings of sex, and desire in more giving, and pleasing ways. Otherwise you are in for a very bumpy ride.

Exactly.... and with attitude that he shows in not wanting to do something that makes you happy and seems so "ok ok let's get it over with or try this again" kinda thinking , makes one wary of asking too often to have it done. Been there done that . I agree with most if not all of what Riddddder said. Cumming all the time together and thinking it will happen every single time with someone is unrealistic . But I think it goes deeper that what is said here and that you both may need something in the long run that you might not find after trying all of this. Counseling . If after showing , telling , and masturbating for him and his attitude and your expectations don't change , you may have some deeper problems and other things that may be going on that need to be addressed. Good luck though....

 

[T.H. Oughts]

90% of couples cuming at the same time is only in the movies. As long as you both get there is the thing.. not that it happened at the same time...

When you talk about it include the, "Well if you stroked here a bit harder or softer"..."actualy show" him what you want.

Take your vibe and use it also while he is going down on you... get a thin vibe and play with your butt while he pumps your pussy...

If 'your' fantasies want you to have him tell you that you are a slut while he fucks you then tell him to say it...

Print out some stories from Lit with discriptions of things you would like done to you and leave them on the bedside table for him to read....

It may not be a person is BAD at sex.... they are not mind readers of what the other one wants... and just because we know what a blow job is does not mean we all know the exact way every partner likes it....

I have been with my husband for over 15 years now... if we had not told the other what moves work for us and that I love him calling me names etc... things would not be quite as good...

I know I am feeling a lot for relaxed and sexy the last few years I have learnt to moan and talk out load while doing the motions, instead of some low wimpers....

Also learn about what turns you on while playing with yourself..... go search different types of sex sites and you may be surprised at what gets you going.... I'm sure many couples have a mind play going in their heads when their partners are not as skilled as they could be...

Relax and be the naughty little girl or big brazen slut you wanna be....

 

[Gilly Bean]

Hi, there.


A lot of the responces here are great, and would be very helpful, so long as you are comfortable doing that stuff.

I've been with my husband for just over 5 years, married for 5 in June.

I was his first, and it took me months of having sex to finally work up the nerve to tell him I wasn't orgasming, and that rough rubbing of my clit just wasn't doing it. Once I did, I showed him some of what I liked.

Now, that was only about 6 months into our relationship, give or take some, and over time, we grew more apart, mostly from my time spent pregnant with our now 4 year old son.

I was so anti-touching then, that during the 9 months I was pregnant, we had sex maybe once a month, and more because I felt obligated, then because I wanted to.

Shortly after our son was born, I regained my sexual desires, but then lost them almost immediatly, due to depo provera, which, unfortunatly, I stayed on for nearly a year.

Again, the sex routine was about 1 time a month, and I couldn't stand for him to even go down on me. It just felt uncomfortable.

Well, (to get to my point) I found Lit shortly after I stopped Depo, and got my libido back. So, I am hiding lit from him for I while (or, was, rather), because I was scared he wouldn't understand.

Lit gave me some confidence to try a few things, but really, it was only this past summer, when we had been together for nearly 5 years, when I finally started saying, Ok, this is what I want to try.

It took alot of time for me to be so comfortable with my husband, that i was able to say, hey, that's not working, can we try something different?

It was far easier for me to just let my body go in the heat of things, and let my own hands start to wander, then for me to tell him where to place them.

He got the hint rather easily that way, however, and since, I've also grown more verbal.

One thing we do now, is have sex when we are horney, not at night, in the dark, as a pre-bed detail.

Make it spontaneous. Before your husband gets home from work, read some stories, get yourself all hot and bothered, and yes, jump him when he gets in the door.

Push him up against it, and do what YOU want to his body, and do what YOU want to your own body.

A great philosophy, curtesy of Joss Whedon. Want. Take. Have.

He sounds like he's getting more then his fair share from the deal, maybe it's time you started doing what you wanted.

Ditch the routine. Get some new nighties that make you feel sexy, buy some oils and lotions, pamper yourself in the tub. (or, as I like to call it, marinate in the tub) Get your hair cut, get a manicure, then put those nails to good use.

For Valentines Day, gorge yourself on things that make you feel like the young sexy woman you are, not on things you think will turn him on.

 

[Spinoza]

A quick suggestion

there is a great thread on here by MR G about stimulating the G spot. Maybe you could send your husband the article.


hope things get better,

spin

 

[rounder03]

Lots of good advice posted here. I used to be one of those husbands without a clue until my wonderful, patient wife took me by the hand (literally) and showed me how to find her clitoris, how hard to stroke and what motions to use (I was always afraid I was hurting her), and how to tell her what I wanted, too. It took awhile to get the hang of it (we were both virgins when we married), but we eventually got there. Our work schedules also got in the way (do you have a conflict there, too). Also, make sure that there are no other underlying problems in the marriage that you need to talk out...the sex could just be a symptom of some real or imagined hurt, resentment, etc. Husbands aren't always know for their communication skills...my wife hates most when I give her the silent treatment rather than talking about what bothers me. If you both love each other and he wants to please you, he will learn. I wasn't crazy about giving my wife oral sex when we started, but now I love it (although I still have a hard time finding the balance between "not enough" and overstimulating (when she becomes too sensitive and has to tell me when to stop). The sex has become less frequent (we really kill the averages in terms of quantity), but the quality is much better after 25 years. Sort of like those 4th of July fireworks...don't happen that often, but when they do they're spectacular. Hope you see improvement in both quantity AND quality.
Best of luck to you and your husband. You sound like a truly committed wife, and that seems to be the key. Don't give up! Hang in there and keep communicating. Gently remind hubby that you have needs, too (it doesn't hurt to appeal to his ego to know that he can please you sexually). And never, never think that it's because you're not as attractive to him...it's the emotional aspect that adds the punch anyway. We hardheaded men can change with time and encouragement. Think of us as young, rather stupid dogs that need to be trained. If you can pull off this trick, we will perform well and be loyal for life.

 

[sheath]

I've noticed something about your post...

You said that your husband doesn't masturbate. And that he says he has no fantasies. That indicates some serious hang-ups in the bedroom, unfortunately...

My ex was the same way. He never touched himself, never did anything like that at all. He didn't look at porn or read erotica, didn't play with toys, nothing. He came off very quickly when we did have sex, and he never seemed into it when it came to my pleasure. Fantasies? Forget it. What are those? I soon learned that he had some serious problems in his past that caused him to think of sex as something dirty and bad. But he refused to talk about it.

First...you seem very mature and honest. I'm sure you know that you won't cum every time, and that you won't cum by intercourse every time, either. But it seems that the point of your post...as I read it...was the attention factor. He doesn't seem to want to go down on you. He doesn't want to touch himself. He doesn't want to discuss fantasies. So what are you to do?

Counseling would help. It seems there is something there holding him back, and it is NOT you! Don't let yourself fall into the trap of believing that you just aren't 'enough' or you aren't doing something right, because I'm sure that is not the case. Some deep-seated issues could be so ingrained in him that he doesn't even realize they are there...he might have the vague feeling that something is wrong and something is holding him back, but not have a CLUE what it is, much less how to fix the problem.

Secondly, embrace your OWN sexuality. Let him know that you use a vibrator and let him watch you. Lead his hand to himself and ask him to masturbate for you. Buy interesting lubes and tell him you really want to see him do it. (Besides, a man who masturbates might take longer to get off, so that increases the intercourse time! ) Showing by example will help to loosen his inhibitions. Read erotic stories to him. Do everything you can think of, and then some. Show him that you embrace everything about sex. Be open with him. Shock him if you feel like it. Start calling him at work and using crude terms to get his attention. Meet him at the door and jump him. Don't go down on him, no foreplay...just fuck him. Turn yourself into a storm of sexual energy and let him reap the whirlwind of you.

Your husband seems to be very reserved about sex. That is something you both need to work to find the source of. Maybe it is religion, maybe it was his childhood, maybe he's just never had the a lover as AMAZING as you! Whatever it is, counseling could help find it. And in the meantime, give your own unique kind of counseling. You are sexual and you should be proud of it. So embrace it! Between you and maybe a little bit of outside help from a therapist, your husband will slowly but surely follow your lead.

I hope this works for you...and please, let us know how it goes?

S.

 

[CantSayNo]

I think most of the un-satisfaction, at least from a woman's standpoint...comes from masturbation. I know, I know, masterbation feels good, but too much stimulation of the clit can lead to an almost burned into you response that you NEED clitoral stimulation to achieve climax. What you need to do at that point is maybe experiment with doggy style, him reaching around and massaging your clitty.

Just a suggestion....

~CantSayNo~