Sexual Self-Esteem

[Eilan]

Pretty self-explanatory, really. Some of the posts I've read recently have made me think about this.

Do you allow sex-related issues to affect your sense of self-worth? Why/why not? Please feel free to address the topic, go off on tangents, whatever.

Please don't post about cock size (unless you REALLY, REALLY have to). That's an entirely separate subdivision of sexual self-esteem, so we already have threads for it!

Thanks for indulging me. I'll be back to weigh in later.

 

[ApplesMcgee]

hrmm...

.....

 

[Ravin the Poet]

From a virgin point of view, I don't let that effect me. My Sex-self esteem is high considering my morals and values about sex. I don't let things like size (even though girls my age think I am big) and personal questions bother me. In fact, out of all the people I talk to about sex, I am the most open about it. Even girls who have one night stands, and other partners are not open at all and find it a little off that I am so open.

If anything, I have an ego. Because not only do I get the joy of pleasing a women when it happens. I have all the great people here helping me make it better when it does happen.


Ravin

 

[Eilan]

Sometimes, the lack of sex or something could mildly bother me, but I can't say that it's a self-esteem thing.

From the POV of the spouse who wasn't all that interested in sex (during my first marriage--and I'm NOT proud of what happened), I could see that eventually becoming an issue. For some people, at least.

If anything, I have an ego. Because not only do I get the joy of pleasing a women when it happens. I have all the great people here helping me make it better when it does happen.

A little knowledge goes a LONG way, in my opinion. I think you'll be well-armed when it does happen.

 

[pupper]

I'm generally pretty easy going and don't let things get from the bedroom into my outside life. Sometimes, the lack of sex or something could mildly bother me, but I can't say that it's a self-esteem thing.

exactly!!!!!!!!!! The lack of sex makes me a grumpy grouch

 

[brighteyed]

I have a generally high sense of self-esteem that is separate from my sex life in the sense that it doesn't have anything to do with submissive play and that type of sex. On the other hand it translates into my choice of sexual partners. I would never sleep with anyone who just generally made me feel bad or unsure about myself.

 

[Eilan]

I have a generally high sense of self-esteem that is separate from my sex life in the sense that it doesn't have anything to do with submissive play and that type of sex.

Do you necessarily see a connection between BDSM practices and self-esteem? Just curious.

My self-esteem in general is (mostly) high, though I have my moments. I'm kinda having a moment right now that's entirely related to body image, which is one reason why I bumped SweetErika's thread.

I'd have to say that my self-esteem when it comes to all matters sex has improved tremendously in the past four years or so, right after I met my husband and right before I discovered Lit. At that time I was coming out of a marriage in which I wasn't, for a variety of reasons, all that interested in sex or all that confident in my abilities to pleasure someone else. (As I said earlier, I'm not proud of my behavior back then; as I've mentioned it in detail on another thread, I won't go into the specifics here. Let's just say that I've learned from my mistakes and I'm not eager to repeat them anytime soon.)

I never considered myself all that experienced sexually because my ex had been my only partner before I met my husband. I've since learned, however, that sexual experience doesn't come from the number of partners one has. It's about the quality of the experiences with one/several partners. It's about the willingness to work together to solve problems as they arise and not try to place blame or feel inadequate. In my not-so-humble opinion, at least.

I guess the less-wordy, Cliff's-Notes version of this post is that, yes, I have allowed sex-related issues to affect my self-esteem in the past, but I no longer do so.

 

[silverwhisper]

my sexual self-esteem--generally, quite healthy and potentially bordering on braggadocio--is in a different place entirely from the rest of my self-esteem, which is generally in the shallow end of the pool. :>

therefore, when my prowess in the bedroom fails me, it does tend to have a spillover effect to the rest of me, just as it might w/ any other realm in which you invest a significant portion of yourself: work, creative endeavors, or what have you.

ed

 

[brighteyed]

Do you necessarily see a connection between BDSM practices and self-esteem? Just curious.

Good question.
When I was first exparimenting with BDSM I had a very hard time matching it up at all with the rest of my life. For a while I was afraid that it was a reflection of a deeply seeded self-confidence issue. But, though I had a hard time as a kid with name calling and teasing I realized that it's a part of the past I've been able to put behind me for the most part.
I was able to recognize that all sexual kinks have some root in a person's past but are not (necessarily) reflections of what might be a current problem for them. Because my submissive tendencies are still coupled with a healthy and open attitude about sex and my own sexual enjoyment I no longer worry about it being a self-esteem issue.

 

[bisexplicit]

Interestingly enough, while I would say I have a generally negative impression of myself, my sex life is one thing that I feel confident about. And, if anything, my sexual self confidence has encouraged my confidence in other aspects of my life.

 

[Cathleen]

While it took me a long while to develop a healthy self esteem in a general sense, in a sexual sense there hasn't been much movement from beliefs that have long been ingrained. I've worked hard to learn about how my past effects me now and I've had incredible growth in every way but I still can't shake the idea of being a misfit - like my growth is stunted.

 

[Eilan]

Because my submissive tendencies are still coupled with a healthy and open attitude about sex and my own sexual enjoyment I no longer worry about it being a self-esteem issue.

I've come to feel pretty much the same way, myself.

 

[lingersold]

Sure you do, and that's ok.

My apologies for having no picture as of yet; I am working on it.

Allow me to make a suggestion in answering this question for oneself. In the original question, "Do you allow sex-related issues to affect your sense of self-worth?" replace the word sex with anything you like and re-evaluate the question. Do you allow work-related, sports-related, family-related, friend-related, make-up-related, bill-related issues to affect your sense of self-worth?

Of course. There is nothing wrong with that. Whether we like it or not, our performance in all of these areas affects our actual worth to others, so it will have an impact in how we view ourselves. I think the question should be whether we place an inappropriate emphasis in any one area. So my answer to your question, which would be "yes sometimes" probably means that I sometimes overemphasize sexual fulfillment. Just a thought.

 

[mrmgp]

With me, my sexual self-esteem is tied to how wanted I feel. I think I'm a good lover. Passionate, sensual, always concerned with my partner's happiness, loving, gentle. But how many women out there don't give me a second thought because I don't have the body or face that makes a woman get all hot and wet and tingly? But when a woman actually wants to be with me, and loves me for who I am despite any physical flaws or the fact that I don't look like I just stepped out of the cover of a bodice-ripper romance novel, then I feel a sense of elation.

 

[bisexplicit]

With me, my sexual self-esteem is tied to how wanted I feel. I think I'm a good lover. Passionate, sensual, always concerned with my partner's happiness, loving, gentle. But how many women out there don't give me a second thought because I don't have the body or face that makes a woman get all hot and wet and tingly? But when a woman actually wants to be with me, and loves me for who I am despite any physical flaws or the fact that I don't look like I just stepped out of the cover of a bodice-ripper romance novel, then I feel a sense of elation.

I think thats a really good point. Having a partner who loves you and finds you attractive despite the fact that you're not model material (or whatever) largely effects your sexual self-esteem. And, also it can, of course, work oppositely.

 

[h_i_s]

my self esteem is not limited in it's definition by any ONE thing which might represent who i am.

The definition and basis of my self esteem embraces ALL of the traits which portray who i am.

 

[SweetErika]

Do you allow sex-related issues to affect your sense of self-worth? Why/why not? Please feel free to address the topic, go off on tangents, whatever.

Yes, sex-related issues definitely have affected my self-esteem in the past. The main two issues have been not being willing or able to do certain very normal things (or reacting to them badly), and having a difficult time achieving orgasm.

I think they affected me because I felt they were having negative effects on my husband...that he would feel bad or like a failure, be disappointed, or unfulfilled. Really, I was the one who felt like a complete failure and broken though. I place a high value on being capable and successful in all areas of my life, so this affected me just like anything else would. However, it never really did permeate how I felt about my myself in other ways; it stayed in the bedroom basically.

Recently I was talking with a girlfriend about the orgasm difficulties. As it turns out, we both have the same problem and feel bad when we (a) can't have one, and (b) have trouble bringing other women to orgasm. In the end, we figured out neither of those have to mean it's an unpleasant or dissatisfying experience for either person, and both are pretty stupid things to feel horrible over when everything else was fantastic and neither person's priority is having an orgasm in the first place.

So, I was really reminded it's all a matter of perspective, communication, and the relationship...we can choose to feel bad about it (or make our partners feel bad about it), or can decide to focus on the positives and NOT allow these issues to affect self esteem.

 

[Munachi]

hm... complex topic...

well, first of all, i have difficulties to say if i consider myself self confident or not. on the one hand i am and have always been convinced that i am great, talented, etc. - and on the other hand i always had (though it is getting better) problems with interaction with other people, felt very shy, disliked, etc. Interestingly these problems are the strongest with "similar" people, i.e. people of my own age and my own country - when i travel or live abroad i seem to much more easily get in contact with people and worry a lot less about what they think etc. ...

now one thing is that in school i was always the "weird" one, and thus an outsider... one of the results of course was that the guys i went to school with were not interested at all in me, and even later on when i got along better with the other ones i was never considered seriously as a potential girlfriend - and knowing this of course influenced my self confidence, and to this day sometimes when a guy is interested in me i have flashbacksto this time and can't help asking myself "so why would he be interested in me? what does he really want?" - but as i said it is getting better...

as for self confidence about sex, there as well it was quite bad for a while. in part it had to do with the first guy i had sex with who a) kept telling me how great his ex had been, how great in bed, etc. and b) told mutual friends of ours i would be crap in bed - and once he had broken up with me those friends told me... and well, this idea kind of stuck for a long time...

now as i said it is a lot better by now, but still there are times i can't help wondering if what i am doing is good/normal/whatever and of course this also has an influence on how i actual behave during sex i suppose... so i guess i am not very self confident when it comes to sex... not sure how much this influences my general self confidence...

 

[rip_1_4_u]

Yes, sex-related issues definitely have affected my self-esteem in the past. The main two issues have been not being willing or able to do certain very normal things (or reacting to them badly), and having a difficult time achieving orgasm.

Erica hit the nail on the head for me. So many playful, sensual, sexual things that I would love to do could affect me a) nada or b) set off a chain reaction of flashbacks, crying, panic attacks...ugh!

So even being sensual has been a mine/mind field for me, let alone trying out sexual things. Talk about feeling like a freak! I started having these reactions after I left my husband, so I went through a bunch of this when I started dating women. I found a really patient partner, and was able to try a number of playful, sensual sexual things with her, but I have to say I still feel pretty inadequate (she was very positive, it's still me judging myself). Oh and of course I"ve been through a zillion amounts of therapy...

I feel very confident in the rest of my life, even with *some* parts of my sexual life, but it's hard to shake the feeling that I'm broken and patched up, and the glue can come undone, at the most damn inconvenient times!

 

[Nikasha]

It kinda worked the other way around for me. I grew up very self-conscious about my body. Other people were not supposed to see you naked. Period. And sex was something you only had when you were married. Right.

So I had great self-esteem dressed. Naked, I was shy and uncomfortable. I didn't feel dirty when I was naked, but I wasn't easy with it. That didn't make it easy for me to orgasm, because it was too hard to let go with someone else there.

I've never been one of those "perfect" toothpick girls ("Give that girl a sandwich," my SO says when he sees them), and I never will be. Nor do I want to be. It took my SO to get me over the shyness, because he's that guy who's always naked at home. He's that guy who is always coming up behind me when my hands are full to hold and caress me. Getting out of the shower? You can bet he's there holding the towel just so he can oogle me dripping wet.

And you know what? I LOVE it! His total lack of inhibition at home has taught me that it's ok to be naked and relaxed. So my self-esteem while naked has gone through the roof. It may even be higher than my self-esteem while dressed

 

[jimmyfloyd]

cold?? no just really small

 

[owterspace]

my 2 cents

I have to be honest and say that alot of my self worth is sexual.
If Im making love to my wife and cum before her i feel as though I have let her down and I self loathe all day untill I can change things......from my past I have a real messed up way of thinking......I think that sex is all I have to offer, it seems to be the one thing that I im atcually good at....no Im not huge nor do I worry bout that.

 

[SweetErika]

I have to be honest and say that alot of my self worth is sexual.
If Im making love to my wife and cum before her i feel as though I have let her down and I self loathe all day untill I can change things......from my past I have a real messed up way of thinking......I think that sex is all I have to offer, it seems to be the one thing that I im atcually good at....no Im not huge nor do I worry bout that.

FWIW, the only partner who can let me down is the one that doesn't try or care about my pleasure at all. Thankfully, those are VERY few and far between.