Sexual Bloopers

[zipman]

Okay, considering the sexual nature of htis board, I thought it would be fun for people to post some of their sexual bloopers.

We all have had something go wrong during a tryst or sexual encounter.


Here's one of mine to start things off.

I was in the middle of a BDSM scene one time, and I was slowly trailing the edge of a crop down my subs body. She was lying there, staring into my eyes, wondering when I was going to lift it and bring it down on her pussy.

I fixed my best steely gaze, lifted the crop, shifted my weight, and put my knee down right on a tube of lubricant, shooting it all over my sub, the bed and even the wall. I couldn't stop laughing and my sub was upset because it got in her hair, and we were meeting people in about an hour.


And this was BEFORE "Something about Mary."

 

[Guest]

 

[zipman]

I was in a new relationshop with a man, we went long and deep, hours on end.


Imgine my suprise when I let go of the "air" we had trapped.

LMAO - yeah, I think we've all "heard" that one before

bdump-tchhhhh!

 

[P. B. Walker]

I'm with a woman I'd been dating for about 2 to 2.5 months. We had not yet had sex. It was valentines day weekend. My Dad has a condo out near the beach in Delware (two blocks from the beach). We drive out. Spend a great weekend together. I make her dinner while she lounges around in a teddy. I serve it and we eat and then proceed to make love for the first time. Well, it ends up getting pretty hot and heavy-- and kinky. Sometime late at night we finally end up going to the bedroom and continuing there.

Next morning, well actually day comes, because we end up sleeping until afternoon. We hear voices in the condo. She jumps up (cus I'm still wasted at this point), and pulls on a tshirt and looks outside the bedroom--

There's a fucking real estate agent showing the condo to potential summer renters! And the potential summer rents are two gay guys. Well, they hi-tail it out of there and say they will be back in 20 mins. We drag our asses out of bed and walk out into the living room...

oh shit...

two vibrators laying on the coffee table, condom wrapper laying all over the place, beer bottles on coffee table and end tables. Anal beads laying on a chair. Clothes and shoes all over the floor. A big bottle of lube right there on the end table. The Illustrated Guide to the Khuma Sutra (sp?) opened up on the coffee table. I mean... gawd. So embarrassing. It was so blatantly obvious we had just had a massive sex romp all over the living room. Not to mention, the fricking room just reeked of fucking.

So we leave... go get some lunch or whatever. Come back and they are just walking out. So embarrassing to stand there like scolded kids while 4 adults walk by just grinning their fucking asses off. We were in our mid 20's at the time. I couldn't even meet their eyes and my face was just beet red.

LOL

PBW

 

[Guest]

We were poolside for outdoor sex... first time... 50 degrees out... wife pulls me down on top of her... and my head hits her nose and breaks it.

She was laughing and crying at the same time.

 

[HeavyStick]

It's not my sexual blooper. "busybody"


My Story
Long story short you draw the conclusion:

taco bell ... blow job ... pressure builds ... she leaves.

 

[zipman]

PBW - That's absolutely hysterical!!!


When I was a young lad of 18, I was dating a 19 year old whose mother was a rather open-minded woman.

I had slept over at her house during the summer and we were in bed together, naked, when her mother came into the room to talk to her. She introduced herself to me and then started talking to her daughter. There we are, under the sheets and her mother starts talking to her about laundry and everyday kind of stuff. I am very embarrassed and don't know what to do.

All of a sudden, I start to get an erection and there is only a thin sheet covering my growing hard-on. I can't really move or turn on my side because the bed is small and I remember laying there and just hoping that she wouldn't notice. I try and concentrate but that just seems to make me harder. Then her mother looks down at me pitching a tent in her daughter's bed and says "my, you're a big fella, aren't you."

My gf and her mother both start laughing and I am laying there red-faced and uncomfortable.

 

[J.B.]

I've already posted mine somewhere I just had to say that I love zipman's title! love that song.

 

[James G 5]

My ex & I had an afternoon to ourselves
It was a beautiful day, so we had the window (a huge picture-type) open, along with the drapes & curtains
It looks out over the back yard, which is enclosed by a tall privacy fence
I was laying down face-up, feet pointing towards the window
She was on top sitting upright facing towards the window (what the porn types call a Reverse Cowgirl position)

We'd never done anal like that with her on top & she'd decided to try it
She'd JUST managed to settle all the way down so we were both pretty imobilized, and she was starting to finger her clit

Little did we suspect that the roomate had asked some workmen to come by & look at the broken sprinklers. and had left the gate unlocked for them

I saw her suddenly freeze & gasp, and I managed to raise myself up enough to look past her & see 2 sweaty guys in dirty coveralls leering in thru the window

At that point there wasn't much else to do but laugh, seperate ourselves as best we could, close the drapes, and go back at it

Except we decided to be kinky & kept at it like we were & just gave them a show......we both finished pretty quick, they applauded, and we closed the drapes to nap
LOL, true story!

 

[Purrde Flower]

hen her mother looks down at me pitching a tent in her daughter's bed and says "my, you're a big fella, aren't you."

My gf and her mother both start laughing and I am laying there red-faced and uncomfortable.

hahahahaha

 

[zipman]

It's not my sexual blooper. "busybody"


My Story
Long story short you draw the conclusion:

taco bell ... blow job ... pressure builds ... she leaves.

Ahhh, let me guess, it was just your musical side coming out! *looks at HeavyStick's AV*


Storm1969 - I must admit I have done a lot of funny things but I have never broken any bones

 

[P. B. Walker]

All of a sudden, I start to get an erection and there is only a thin sheet covering my growing hard-on. I can't really move or turn on my side because the bed is small and I remember laying there and just hoping that she wouldn't notice. I try and concentrate but that just seems to make me harder. Then her mother looks down at me pitching a tent in her daughter's bed and says "my, you're a big fella, aren't you."

My gf and her mother both start laughing and I am laying there red-faced and uncomfortable.

I would have frickin died. LOL. And probably gotten harder too... ok.. i'm perv.

PBW

 

[James G 5]

My Story
Long story short you draw the conclusion:

taco bell ... blow job ... pressure builds ... she leaves.

BTDT

 

[zipman]

My ex & I had an afternoon to ourselves
It was a beautiful day, so we had the window (a huge picture-type) open, along with the drapes & curtains
It looks out over the back yard, which is enclosed by a tall privacy fence
I was laying down face-up, feet pointing towards the window
She was on top sitting upright facing towards the window (what the porn types call a Reverse Cowgirl position)

We'd never done anal like that with her on top & she'd decided to try it
She'd JUST managed to settle all the way down so we were both pretty imobilized, and she was starting to finger her clit

Little did we suspect that the roomate had asked some workmen to come by & look at the broken sprinklers. and had left the gate unlocked for them

I saw her suddenly freeze & gasp, and I managed to raise myself up enough to look past her & see 2 sweaty guys in dirty coveralls leering in thru the window

At that point there wasn't much else to do but laugh, seperate ourselves as best we could, close the drapes, and go back at it

Except we decided to be kinky & kept at it like we were & just gave them a show......we both finished pretty quick, they applauded, and we closed the drapes to nap
LOL, true story!

Hey James,

Great one! Nothing like two sweaty workmen to set the mood!


Here's another one of mine (and I'm starting to wonder if people here are just shy, or if I have an unusually high number of embarrassing sexual incidents).


I was with this woman who had real issues with anything to do with anal sex. I talked her into letting me put my finger in her ass. I reached over and grabbed some Jergen's type hand lotion that she had near the bed. I didn't read the description on the bottle so I didn't know that it had a menthol ingredient in it.

After putting my well-lubed finger in her ass, I asked her how it felt. Her reply was:

"It feels like someone shoved a York Peppermint Patty up my ass."

Needless to say, we didn't do anything anal again after that.

 

[BgMma]

Okay, I HAVE to share this one, though I have quite a few

I was with my ex and we were alone in the house. We decided to take advantage and screw on the sofa.
He got behind me while we were standing and we starting going at it pretty well. I am really into, it's feel sssssooooooooo good, and then my foot slips........

So, my head rams into the back of the sofa, he slips and jabs me in the asshole, luckily he didn't really penetrate, and he fell onto me because my foot hit his and he naturally fell.

I learned to be more careful........

 

[The Heretic]

I didn't read the description on the bottle so I didn't know that it had a menthol ingredient in it.

After putting my well-lubed finger in her ass, I asked her how it felt. Her reply was:

"It feels like someone shoved a York Peppermint Patty up my ass."

Needless to say, we didn't do anything anal again after that.

I don't get it. Why not??

 

[Ezarc]

One night back it college my girlfriend and I are having sex in the dorm room. We had been going at it for a while and were on or second round and doing missionary. Lights flashed behind my eyes as I came with her. I then made the mistake of trying to sit up on my knees. The room spun and I fell head first through the sheetrock wall. Made a little bigger than head sized hole in the wall and scared the heck out of my gf.
Wow, that was an orgasm.

 

[BgMma]

One night back it college my girlfriend and I are having sex in the dorm room. We had been going at it for a while and were on or second round and doing missionary. Lights flashed behind my eyes as I came with her. I then made the mistake of trying to sit up on my knees. The room spun and I fell head first through the sheetrock wall. Made a little bigger than head sized hole in the wall and scared the heck out of my gf.
Wow, that was an orgasm.

That would have been a trip!

 

[MsMuffet]

One night back it college my girlfriend and I are having sex in the dorm room. We had been going at it for a while and were on or second round and doing missionary. Lights flashed behind my eyes as I came with her. I then made the mistake of trying to sit up on my knees. The room spun and I fell head first through the sheetrock wall. Made a little bigger than head sized hole in the wall and scared the heck out of my gf.
Wow, that was an orgasm.

Wasn't that called the backflip something or other? LOL

How about this? I forgot about the after-effects of hot cum being shot up my ass...

No further descriptions necessary, I am sure.

 

[tyme]

this will sound crazy but I swear its true. Me and my husband were in high school (not married yet) and had skipped school and were in his room getting at it pretty good when for some reason my eyes strayed to the floor by the door and what did I see but a set of mens shoes under the door. (they lived in a trailer home and the doors are a few inches off the floor) this freaks me out because we are the only ones who are in the house. so we run out looking and when we get to the family room the couch creaks like someone is just sitting in it! all the doors are locked nobody but the two of us in the house. My husbands family's ghost desided to play a game with me. (yes ghost I have seen some freaky shit from them too)

 

[Ljbonobo]

Mine is a little more tame. I was in my dorm room and my bed is lofted. Well I was with my g/f at the time and I went to go down on her. For that to work best I normally ended up partially crawling out of my bed with my legs hanging off. In my room that year there was a door right behind my bed (the direction you'd walk in the door was perpendicular to the direction of the bed). So instead of letting my legs hang down the loft, I put them across the doorjamb. Well she's just about getting off and what do I hear but my roommate's key going in the lock...I had the "x' on the whiteboard but he didn't see it (he was drunk). He threw the door open and it caught my foot. He threw it so hard it damn near spun me out of the bed. There I was almost butt naked hanging off the side of my bed, he walked to his desk and just sat down at his pc. A few minutes later he crawled up into his bed, saw I was in mine and said "goodnight". He never knew she was up there...she was sooo embarassed.

 

[lilminx]

"It feels like someone shoved a York Peppermint Patty up my ass."

Needless to say, we didn't do anything anal again after that.

Hmm... call me kinky, but I don't think I'd mind that feeling all too much.

 

[Guest]

Hmm... call me kinky, but I don't think I'd mind that feeling all too much.

Kinki!

 

[zipman]

Thanks to everyone for adding your stories. Personally, I find this a lot more entertaining than reading about Lit policies and cookies .

BgMma99 - Are you sure the "slip" and poke wasn't staged?

Ezarc - LMAO - I guess you could be one of the few people that can claim that they "gave head" to a wall.

msmuffett66 - Ah yes, I believe I have heard the old "um, I'll be right back, after a good anal reaming. I have heard a shot of hot cum is the best laxative around.

tyme - Usually when people have a 3-some, you can see all of them.

Ljbonobo - I had a couple of similar experiences back in my college days. That top bunk can be a real bitch!



Come on folks, I find it hard to believe that you're all shy or have never had anything funny happen to you.

 

[BgMma]

Slip and poke wasn't staged, I would be my sore ass on it.