Sexless Marriages

[Strixaluco]

Or shame! So many don't know how to talk about sex or their sexuality.

Yes, I kind of counted that in the same bulk with uneasiness.

 

[LustyScribe]

These women you guys are married to must have some other truly awesome qualities to have you all going back everyday and cracking on as normal for years.

I hate, HATE giving up.

 

[Strixaluco]

I hate, HATE giving up.

I've found that not giving up hasn't really got any absolute value in it. I hate it being promoted as if it did.

One needs to give up some things to get space for something better. Cut your losses before they get the better of you.

 

[silky52]

I've found that not giving up hasn't really got any absolute value in it. I hate it being promoted as if it did.

One needs to give up some things to get space for something better. Cut your losses before they get the better of you.

Not sure it's as cut and dried as that! Especially in the US where it apparently is pretty difficult to divorce due to the financial issues!

 

[Strixaluco]

Not sure it's as cut and dried as that! Especially in the US where it apparently is pretty difficult to divorce due to the financial issues!

That's a different thing than not divorcing as it feels like failure - which is what @LustyScribe seemed to refer to.

And dammit, I've been there myself. It took 2 attempts to actually make myself leave my first ex. Partly because I was afraid of being alone, and very much because it feels like a failure. (Finances were a total non-issue.)

 

[LustyScribe]

That's a different thing than not divorcing as it feels like failure - which is what @LustyScribe seemed to refer to.

And dammit, I've been there myself. It took 2 attempts to actually make myself leave my first ex. Partly because I was afraid of being alone, and very much because it feels like a failure. (Finances were a total non-issue.)

You hit it on the nose. For me, I was raised with the mindset that divorce - except in cases of abuse - was a failure. "You could have done SOMETHING to make it work." Now, after almost 4 decades, I am looking at the prospect of being even more alone. What I really wish is that I had realized 15 years ago that involuntary abstinence IS a form of abuse and abandonment. And abusers don't stop abusing as long as they can get away with it.

 

[silky52]

You hit it on the nose. For me, I was raised with the mindset that divorce - except in cases of abuse - was a failure. "You could have done SOMETHING to make it work." Now, after almost 4 decades, I am looking at the prospect of being even more alone. What I really wish is that I had realized 15 years ago that involuntary abstinence IS a form of abuse and abandonment. And abusers don't stop abusing as long as they can get away with it.

Oh yes divorce was a dirty word in our house too!! Definitely meant failure. In those days even abuse wasn't counted!! My poor sister lived in an abusive marriage until he died. I doubt she would have come out of it otherwise..

 

[Strixaluco]

You hit it on the nose. For me, I was raised with the mindset that divorce - except in cases of abuse - was a failure. "You could have done SOMETHING to make it work." Now, after almost 4 decades, I am looking at the prospect of being even more alone. What I really wish is that I had realized 15 years ago that involuntary abstinence IS a form of abuse and abandonment. And abusers don't stop abusing as long as they can get away with it.

You need 2 to success. You can't force it alone, if the other one isn't cooperating.

And sometimes you have just chosen wrong. Not just any 2 people fit together. Which happened to me and my first ex. My father hard known it all along, but dating and choice of partner is something he doesn't interfere. Made it easier to accept, though, when he told it afterwards.

 

[Sparky74]

Going though similar, I have created a Thread for any UK Men and Women, hopefully a kind of support group.

 

[Britva415]

These women you guys are married to must have some other truly awesome qualities to have you all going back everyday and cracking on as normal for years.

If she didn't, I wouldn't.

It can't last forever though. At least we talk about it. Something does have to change and she knows it.

 

[SSDD322]

These women you guys are married to must have some other truly awesome qualities to have you all going back everyday and cracking on as normal for years.

For me, 32yrs together, kids and grandkids, I love my wife, but I miss her physically. We used to have such an active and amazing sex life till her hysterectomy, then her depression and anxiety notched up more. The last straw was her getting long Covid in the early breakout. She lost her job, has panic attacks leaving house now, and she has taken refuge on couch. I can’t leave and be selfish, so using different “means” to deal with it outside the obvious. Joining Literotica and now working on a story has been one outlet, just taking life as it comes, or “cracking on as normal”.

 

[CharlieBrwn2]

Anyone else with this problem?
I have a high sex drive and the wife doesn't.
Looking for others with this problem, and possibly helping fill our needs.

I have been in a sexless marriage for 10 years. I'm 75 and still active but wife isn't because of parkinsons. The only release I have is with some toys and remembering how it used to be between us. Miss having the real thing.

 

[Strixaluco]

I have been in a sexless marriage for 10 years. I'm 75 and still active but wife isn't because of parkinsons. The only release I have is with some toys and remembering how it used to be between us. Miss having the real thing.

I bet you miss a lot of real things instead of just memories.

 

[Waterlillie2x2]

Anyone else with this problem?
I have a high sex drive and the wife doesn't.
Looking for others with this problem, and possibly helping fill our needs.

I've been in a sexless marriage. I was 40 still quite hot. Just gotten married to my 2nd husband. Once we got home from the honeymoon sex ended. I only stayed in that marriage for 3 years. Its heart breaking to constantly be shut down when trying to get your husband in the mood. We went to counseling. All they said was he was too sick to work on our marriage and needed to work on his own issues first. I never found out what his issues were.
I've heard a lot of men say they are and my heart goes out to them. I think a lot with women has to do with the change of life. As well as issues because of things that have happened to them in their past they cant get past to have a healthy sex life.

 

[deltablues65]

I've been in a sexless marriage. I was 40 still quite hot. Just gotten married to my 2nd husband. Once we got home from the honeymoon sex ended. I only stayed in that marriage for 3 years. Its heart breaking to constantly be shut down when trying to get your husband in the mood. We went to counseling. All they said was he was too sick to work on our marriage and needed to work on his own issues first. I never found out what his issues were.
I've heard a lot of men say they are and my heart goes out to them. I think a lot with women has to do with the change of life. As well as issues because of things that have happened to them in their past they cant get past to have a healthy sex life.

A lot of men seem to run into health related problems that require certain meds that diminish the sex drive, or lifestyle habits, which also can cause trouble, or just a simple loss of interest in the relationship, which can be with either party, its unfortunate when these circumstances happen, as it can make for a lonely existence. Choosing to be single is a lifestyle choice in most cases, I feel for both men and women whom are lonely inside a relationship

 

[SSDD322]

I have been in a sexless marriage for 10 years. I'm 75 and still active but wife isn't because of parkinsons. The only release I have is with some toys and remembering how it used to be between us. Miss having the real thing.

My wife has several medical issues as well, it is hard being the caregiver and having memories for companionship. This is one outlet as we are communicating on this forum…

 

[adamISOeve]

Who knows what stories, tragedies and tears lie behind our masks and front doors.

I am sure you make a good point with your remark. BUT I wonder what benefits can be had from reminiscing about all these past tragedies? Are they really getting anybody ahead in their quest to master the future?

It seems to me, this thread with almost 4000 posts now, contains at least three thousand descrptions of tragedy, and only very few posts which deal with attempted solutions.

 

[curl4ever]

I am sure you make a good point with your remark. BUT I wonder what benefits can be had from reminiscing about all these past tragedies? Are they really getting anybody ahead in their quest to master the future?

It seems to me, this thread with almost 4000 posts now, contains at least three thousand descrptions of tragedy, and only very few posts which deal with attempted solutions.

Your point about working to construct a more positive future is of course valid, but please note that most people who post in this thread have endured months or years of rejection by the one person who promised to love and honor them. Most people who post in this thread have already made multiple tries with all the attempted solutions that are within the set of workable options for their particular relationship. Most people who post in this thread are already down to the last two options: continue to live with the situation (perhaps venting to retain their sanity) or leave.

 

[SSDD322]

Your point about working to construct a more positive future is of course valid, but please note that most people who post in this thread have endured months or years of rejection by the one person who promised to love and honor them. Most people who post in this thread have already made multiple tries with all the attempted solutions that are within the set of reasonable options for their particular relationship. Most people who post in this thread are already down to the last two options: continue to live with the situation (perhaps venting to retain their sanity) or leave.

“Venting to retain their sanity” is the boat I’m in.

 

[scposteel]

Anyone else with this problem?
I have a high sex drive and the wife doesn't.
Looking for others with this problem, and possibly helping fill our needs.

The best advice I can give is have a conversation with her about this. It's not fair to either party if the physical needs aren't being met. Perhaps speaking to sex therapist would help

 

[Strixaluco]

I give up! have been trying to post my story and lit keeps crashing!

Tomorrow with better luck? Sometimes Lit just is like that.

 

[MaxwellSmart86]

My wife and I were going through a somewhat dry spell the last few years. We would have sex like once a month or every few months. The thing was, it wasn't her that had a problem. It was me. I don't know why but I just had trouble getting the desire to have sex, not just with her but with anyone. I would rather just jerk off than to have intercourse. In the last few weeks, my wife and I have managed to reconnect, mainly just by talking about fantasies, desires, experiences we would like to have. It somehow flipped a switch inside me that makes me want to put my hands on my wife and keep them there as long as humanly possible.

 

[Strixaluco]

In the last few weeks, my wife and I have managed to reconnect, mainly just by talking about fantasies, desires, experiences we would like to have. It somehow flipped a switch inside me that makes me want to put my hands on my wife and keep them there as long as humanly possible.

Talking is powerful!

 

[LuxIgnis]

I think I'm just addicted to it at this point. The thrill, the excitement, the satisfaction in finding an immoral slut that not only has no qualms fucking and seducing a married man like me, but also who's better at it in bed... a slut who knows how to charm and seduce and take what she believes belongs to her. The sin, the lust, the feeling of being unable to resist and giving in to my true sinful nature...

I'm scared, but also excited to explore this. I only wish my wife was OK with helping me explore this. But she doesn't share. At the same time, she is a 100% submissive, with not a single dominant bone in her body. She will never be able to give me what I need in bed. But that doesn't mean I love her any less. I just want to explore more elsewhere.

 

[Noor]

I am surprised to see 2 women respond to this thread. I don't know any guys in their 40's or 50's who don't want sex. I quite wrongly thought this was a guy only problem. I guess you learn something new every day. Thanks for sharing.

You’d be surprised. As men age their hormones can drop just like womens and they can lose their sex drive.
Then there can also be age related performance issues. Then medical issues.
If it’s a sudden drastic change, I’d get medical advice including hormone testing. It’s easier to get to testerone tests on men that it is to get hormonal tests on women, but that’s medicine male centric basis.
There is also a drop in sex from fear, after surgery or heart events, the other person is afraid to potentially hurt or break their spouse.
There is also people just being too worn down for sex from too much stress, activity, illness.
Sometimes sex hurts or afterwards hurts or makes one feel badly.
There are a lot of things to investigate.
There are some people who are demisexual who only feel sexually attracted if they feel an emotional bond of some sort. I’m afraid that some long term partners no longer feel bonded to the other person beyond a roommate or whatever and then become uninterested.
If your spouse has never liked sex, then the question is why is this bothering you now?