Sexless Marriages

[DDBustyBrit]

You might be right. My wife and I are at a crossroads and after talking with a counselor, we’re taking the slow road toward separation. The lack of sex is perhaps not even in the top 10 reasons for it, but we’ve just seemed to reach the point where we don’t want to be around each other anymore and can’t do anything “fun” together.

I guess I gave up on the sex years ago, there’s only so many times being rejected that a person can take, and it wasn’t worth asking / begging/ persuading etc anymore.

I hope we can get through this process and move on with our lives in a more healthy way. It’s hard pretending there’s nothing wrong to the rest of the world.

I wish you well and hope it goes smoothly

But btw I think you have THE best name on Lit!! Love it, guessing you’re a Brit!

 

[TTawhere]

Stray/stay is my current debate

I've ditched that one. I'm afraid I've gone rogue - at least in my head.

It's hard for women who are interested in married guys, too. Sometimes, a married guy just won't take a hint OR he'll take a hint, entertain you but pull back when it's tome to get down to some real business.

Well, if we were compatible, you'd find me interested and not pulling back when the going gets serious, but I am looking for compatibility, not just a roll in the hay.

I'm at the point where I look, express interest - albeit in a subtle fashion and am responding to cues. That said, for me to have interest in a woman, there has to be some spark and some connection. I'm looking for a relationship, not just a fling.

Rejection on both sides happens - I've been the recipient of plenty of it. It is discouraging, and makes you tend to shut down, but you need to persevere.

 

[Beachaged]

I agree with you, unfortunately not all men are like Lit men! Even some Lit men are all talk until you want to get down to the ‘real’ business and then they bottle! Personally I think they should be sued as false advertising if you’ve invested time!

It may be two people have invested time but weren’t in the same place regarding ‘real business’. Outside of Lit I’ve certainly known people who invested time only to split up after concluding they weren’t right for each other. It takes a while to get to know someone. I’m sure that happens in Lit world too.

 

[ccs29745]

It may be two people have invested time but weren’t in the same place regarding ‘real business’. Outside of Lit I’ve certainly known people who invested time only to split up after concluding they weren’t right for each other. It takes a while to get to know someone. I’m sure that happens in Lit world too.

It does take a while to know the other side. Thought I knew once before and after 16 months said no more. She was using me to get back to her mother's house and farm.

Learned my wife for most part after 16 years, but can't figure out totally the no sex part. After the 5 th year, it went down from there. I looked back at last time were had sex. It was March, 2 years before that. Twice in 6 years before that.
Yes I have it marked on past electronic calendars. Lol

I may never totally figure out my wife, but I still love her even though it's a strain sometimes.

 

[pleasuresoflife100]

so many of us...

Hello, I have been married over 20 years. Been in a sexless marriage for a long time now. Wife seems to have lost the drive. If and when we do it, there isn't much passion. I think emotional and physical connection is important. Just wanted to vent

 

[AnnieLit]

he'll take a hint, entertain you but pull back when it's tome to get down to some real business.

Yes
And you are left to pick up the pieces and wonder WHY? What did you do to deserve this and how in the world are you going to avoid it next time.

Two months of heavy texting, few phone calls, couple video calls, 10 min together in a chance meeting, plans for more, much more and... " I feel a very strong connection to you. Too strong. I need to work on rebuilding that with my wife." Fuck! You need?! And two months ago you did not know that you have a wife?! It hurts like hell ...

 

[Polranny]

Hello, I have been married over 20 years. Been in a sexless marriage for a long time now. Wife seems to have lost the drive. If and when we do it, there isn't much passion. I think emotional and physical connection is important. Just wanted to vent

Definition of sexless is needed

 

[TTawhere]

Yes
And you are left to pick up the pieces and wonder WHY? What did you do to deserve this and how in the world are you going to avoid it next time.

Two months of heavy texting, few phone calls, couple video calls, 10 min together in a chance meeting, plans for more, much more and... " I feel a very strong connection to you. Too strong. I need to work on rebuilding that with my wife." Fuck! You need?! And two months ago you did not know that you have a wife?! It hurts like hell ...

From a guy’s perspective, things are moving along fine, you seem to be compatible and want the same things. You’ve been attentive and communicative. You meet a few times to talk and make plans. There’s flirting and mutual attraction.

*POOF!*

:::ghosted:::

What the heck went wrong?

 

[AnnieLit]

From a guy’s perspective, things are moving along fine, you seem to be compatible and want the same things. You’ve been attentive and communicative. You meet a few times to talk and make plans. There’s flirting and mutual attraction.

*POOF!*

:::ghosted:::

What the heck went wrong?

This happens too. Usually this means that either there was somebody else the other person was "trying on" at the same time and they won, or the "connection" you felt was pretty much one-sided and she just did not have the nerve to tell you that.

What I am talking about is a big different -- guy getting scared because there is too much of a connection. A guy siddenly realizing that what he is doing is not fair to his wife and children. Which might be true, but this "not fair" stared with the first "I want you so much", not suddenly appear when that wish came close to becoming a reality.

 

[Beachaged]

This happens too. Usually this means that either there was somebody else the other person was "trying on" at the same time and they won, or the "connection" you felt was pretty much one-sided and she just did not have the nerve to tell you that.

What I am talking about is a big different -- guy getting scared because there is too much of a connection. A guy siddenly realizing that what he is doing is not fair to his wife and children. Which might be true, but this "not fair" stared with the first "I want you so much", not suddenly appear when that wish came close to becoming a reality.

I think that goes both ways. I have a friend who was seeing a married woman. They developed a deep connection over many months and then she got cold feet. She said she couldn’t risk breaking up the family even if it was at the expense of her own happiness. My friend was devastated. I’m not sure he will ever be the same.

 

[HughManitee]

Yes
And you are left to pick up the pieces and wonder WHY? What did you do to deserve this and how in the world are you going to avoid it next time.

Two months of heavy texting, few phone calls, couple video calls, 10 min together in a chance meeting, plans for more, much more and... " I feel a very strong connection to you. Too strong. I need to work on rebuilding that with my wife." Fuck! You need?! And two months ago you did not know that you have a wife?! It hurts like hell ...

I had the same thing happen to me, 3 months of heavy texting, talked on the phone almost every day, made plans to meet twice. Both times she canceled. Then poof, gone. No real explanation. It stings.

 

[DDBustyBrit]

I had the same thing happen to me, 3 months of heavy texting, talked on the phone almost every day, made plans to meet twice. Both times she canceled. Then poof, gone. No real explanation. It stings.

I’m sorry for this and I understand the pain you went though.

Time is a great healer but sometimes it seems like you will never get there. Just keep believing it wasn’t you, we are not responsible for the way others behave sometimes.

 

[ccs29745]

Dd, you make a beautiful philosopher.

The time taking to realize one doesn't deserve to be treated in that manner sucks. Love can play some incredible mind games sometimes.

 

[BlondeNina]

Rejection on both sides happens....

For sure... I just think it's a bit more difficult for (single) women. Obviously, married men date differently than single men but they often don't really know what they want, especially if it's their first affair.

And you are left to pick up the pieces and wonder WHY? What did you do to deserve this and how in the world are you going to avoid it next time.

I don't think you can avoid heartbreak - in general, not just with married men. Dating is a lottery - there are some red flags you can look out for but... eh. You win some, you lose some. Luck. That's all that it is, really.

 

[HughManitee]

I’m sorry for this and I understand the pain you went though.

Time is a great healer but sometimes it seems like you will never get there. Just keep believing it wasn’t you, we are not responsible for the way others behave sometimes.

Thank you for your kind words. I’m doing just fine and have moved on. But I certainly haven’t forgotten. I saw that you’ve been through a similar situation but for a much longer time period than mine. I’m sorry you had to go through that and am glad to hear you are also doing much better and moving on.

 

[TTawhere]

This happens too. Usually this means that either there was somebody else the other person was "trying on" at the same time and they won, or the "connection" you felt was pretty much one-sided and she just did not have the nerve to tell you that.

In this case, there must have been some less than truthful exchanges on her part.

What I am talking about is a big different -- guy getting scared because there is too much of a connection. A guy siddenly realizing that what he is doing is not fair to his wife and children. Which might be true, but this "not fair" stared with the first "I want you so much", not suddenly appear when that wish came close to becoming a reality.

Get that one too - In my case, I'm not looking to change my situation, or anyone else's. I'm looking to improve my situation and someone else's.

Some of the experiences that I've had were the other person not listening to what I've told them I'm looking for - for example, a discreet relationship.

Her? : "I so have to tell my girlfriend XXXXX about this." Uh, not you don't. If you feel you need to, you're not the one for me.

One woman that I'd had some online exchanges with planned to meet to see if we were compatible. She'd planned further ahead - her husband was out of town and her son was with family. She'd already decided in her head that she was going to take me home after we met. I on the other hand wanted to meet her and get to talk to her first. That had been the substance of our conversation regarding our first meeting, so there should have been no misunderstandings. She was more into me than I was into her - she was very pretty and a nice person, but we had nothing in common and no connection of any kind as far as I could see other than the possibility of sex. I had to politely decline her offer to take me home. Could I have taken advantage of her? Sure. But that's not the guy that I am.

I may be a pirate, but we're a pretty honest group about what we are and how we treat others. Honor among thieves, if you will.

 

[TTawhere]

For sure... I just think it's a bit more difficult for (single) women. Obviously, married men date differently than single men but they often don't really know what they want, especially if it's their first affair.

Certainly it is difficult for single women approaching married men. No doubt. I think some married men have a clear understanding of what they're looking for - particularly if they've thought about it at all.

I don't think you can avoid heartbreak - in general, not just with married men. Dating is a lottery - there are some red flags you can look out for but... eh. You win some, you lose some. Luck. That's all that it is, really.

Any relationship runs the risk of heartbreak. If there isn't some risk of that, it really isn't a relationship, now is it? As soon as you put yourself out there, you run the risk of being hurt.

As I've pointed out earlier in the thread, I am not going to sleep with just anyone. I want someone that I have a connection and an attraction to and that feels the same way about me.

 

[AnnieLit]

I don't think you can avoid heartbreak - in general, not just with married men. Dating is a lottery - there are some red flags you can look out for but... eh. You win some, you lose some. Luck. That's all that it is, really.

You are right, but ... When you've been out of the dating game for 30 years, things feel a bit different. Like... I don't know, I guess I expected adults to behave in a more grown up way? Less games, more openness, more trouth in the first place towards themselves. And be a more careful with the feelings of the others, than teens.

But then I've heard from quite a few people that I am unusually open, probably it us time to take the hint and stop believing that everybody else is the same.

 

[TTawhere]

You are right, but ... When you've been out of the dating game for 30 years, things feel a bit different. Like... I don't know, I guess I expected adults to behave in a more grown up way? Less games, more openness, more trouth in the first place towards themselves. And be a more careful with the feelings of the others, than teens.

But probably not everybody grew up.

Adults? That's a state of mind, really. Some just grew older, but they never grew up. Many who are "adults" are still playing the same games they did in Junior High. You'd think they'd grow up, but...

Since I've started looking, some of the crap that I see online is enough to make you cynical.

 

[ccs29745]

Adults? That's a state of mind, really. Some just grew older, but they never grew up. Many who are "adults" are still playing the same games they did in Junior High. You'd think they'd grow up, but...

Since I've started looking, some of the crap that I see online is enough to make you cynical.

My body ages, but always a kid inside. Always wanting some, just never getting any.

Wife wore a see thru bra and thong. Have me a few kisses, then put on her pajamas. I was almost naked thinking I was finally going to break the sexless streak. Not tonight though

 

[TTawhere]

My body ages, but always a kid inside. Always wanting some, just never getting any.

Wife wore a see thru bra and thong. Have me a few kisses, then put on her pajamas. I was almost naked thinking I was finally going to break the sexless streak. Not tonight though

So sorry. That sucks.

The kid at heart thing is OK. Just that behaving like an unthinking teenager is not, yannow?

 

[ccs29745]

So sorry. That sucks.

The kid at heart thing is OK. Just that behaving like an unthinking teenager is not, yannow?

Very true, on both accounts

 

[Lord_Johnny]

I was just going to post here that I very much fall into this category of being in a sec less marrage as well. Yall have definitely made this a very different conversation than I had anticipated joining.

Which isn't bad, just different than anticipated.

 

[Beachaged]

So this thread has taken an interesting turn. It started out as a place for people in sexless marriages to chat with each other. Now I see we have moved on to pickup advice. I guess one can remain sexless only for so long. I should have known since this is Lit.

 

[BlondeNina]

I guess one can remain sexless only for so long.

One shouldn't have to remain sexless.

Illness and other misfortunes aside, one could argue that being in a sexless marriage equals marital abuse. I've met men who were incredibly starved, emotionally AND physically... starved of a simple hug... let alone passionate sex, blowjob, kinky fuck and so on.

Being rejected, on a daily basis - for years, changes a man. Deeply. And not in a good way. The way I see it - unless you have a good reason for rejecting me, sexually, I'm not going to remain sexless. I might remain married to you, for this or that reason, but I'm not remaining sexless. If you don't take care of me - and you're perfectly capable of doing so - there's someone else who will. Simple as that.