Sexless Marriages

[ccs29745]

https://chaosandclarity.files.wordpress.com/2017/03/men-women-on-off-switch.jpg

I love it. Lol.

Brit- thought about separate beds before. Wife don't want to give up the queen bed.lol

 

[NotASavior]

books wont help. women are interesting creatures that require patience.

 

[Spenser41]

I guess I started this all by venting. Sorry everyone.

You do not have anything to say you are sorry for. All of us are in this same mess... and we all get frustrated and want to vent. Just because someone came in with their judgmental attitude, is no reason for you to feel you have to say you're sorry. Forget about it.

 

[Spenser41]

We have been in separate beds since 2008. She likes it that way... I put up with it.

 

[Series 6]

Need a book on womans emotions. I've tried talking and been there for wide, but I got it wrong and have no idea what I did wrong. Some emotions are hard to read.

It's interesting. I'm going back to college with a major of Human Services/Psychology. Right now I'm attending a community college to build up credits economically, but I got accepted into an adult accelerated program at a 4 year college. One of the classes the 4 year college offers is The Psychology of Women. It's not part of the Adult Accelerated Program, but I think I want to take it anyway because I think it will really help me both personally and professionally. I haven't made a solid decision on what I want to do with my degree after I graduate, but relationship counseling does interest me.

I've been separated/divorced for over 7 years. Our marriage was mostly sexless, mostly because we both had communication issues and were sexually incompatible. Sadly I have not found a fun partner, so I am still basically sexless.

 

[TTawhere]

I love it. Lol.

Brit- thought about separate beds before. Wife don't want to give up the queen bed.lol

Thought you might.

Before someone decides to take that picture seriously, it was posted with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek, because it hasn’t been planted anywhere else for some time.

And yes, I get that some women have men who are reflected in the bottom image as well.

Sheesh...

 

[Series 6]

Personal question for those who have gone to counseling and discussed this issue. What was the discussion, what did the counselor suggest for your situation, and what was your partner's feeling about the situation? Did the reluctant partner want sex, but just not want what the two of you were doing? Meaning, your partner just didn't feel sexually compatible with you anymore?

I'll admit that my wife and I never discussed it. I'm one of the people who is guilty of not discussing it. I had some personal issues that I had not faced, which I know is fairly ambiguous. But, it felt like my ex wasn't even vanilla in bed. More like water flavor in the bedroom.

 

[Polranny]

This was the problem for me the last time we even tried which was more than a year a go! He was just going through the motions and so I stopped it, days later I moved into the spare bed. I have never moved back and we can’t even talk about it, so I get where you are at totally

Welcome to our family, it’s a great support.

I'm in the spare bed , initially for other reasons, but hey! I am so much happier to do my own thing rather than lying next to the human equivalent of a beached whale . I think she is happier too though it's not discussed.

 

[DayDreamerZN]

Till death do us part

This must be the number one reason why marriages fail...

I feel like I should pay membership to join an exclusive club called "fakeittillyoumakeit"

I could write books on this topic...

 

[TTawhere]

Personal question for those who have gone to counseling and discussed this issue. What was the discussion, what did the counselor suggest for your situation, and what was your partner's feeling about the situation? Did the reluctant partner want sex, but just not want what the two of you were doing? Meaning, your partner just didn't feel sexually compatible with you anymore?

I'll admit that my wife and I never discussed it. I'm one of the people who is guilty of not discussing it. I had some personal issues that I had not faced, which I know is fairly ambiguous. But, it felt like my ex wasn't even vanilla in bed. More like water flavor in the bedroom.

Ok, I'll bite. SWMBO and I went to counseling at the advice of her OBGYN when this first started for us. I'll say the downturn was probably about 8 years ago for us. Prior to that, our sex life was pretty vanilla by my standards, but it wasn't bad - just infrequent.

The counselor started in with why we weren't having sex. Some of it boiled down to the fact that we weren't making time for it, and with our schedules and the kids we were both tired and prioritizing sleep over sex.

Then the discussion started in on what we did in bed - be prepared to be much more candid than you think you are going to be - it will get down to the nitty-gritty. Each partner was asked about what they enjoyed in the bedroom, which really wasn't revealing to either me or SWMBO. We both knew the other's likes and dislikes. She's not a fan of oral (giving or receiving) and she likes some variety of position and some manual stimulation and has a few choices for places she wants to get touched or licked and how. (FYI, her gag reflex is so bad, she doesn't even like tooth-brushing.)

When the subject rolled around to the pain SWMBO was experiencing, the counselor brought up a variety of other things we could do for sex that didn't revolve around the vagina, but they were either things SWMBO didn't want, or just had lost interest in. There was a variety including verbal, tactile, and sensual activities - play. Also the idea of open marriage and alternative lifestyle stuff came up, but that was quickly shot down.

The loss of interest brought us a bunch of testing by MD's of various sorts. Bloodwork, mostly. No real surprises there, either.

The whole thing was basically problem solving. What alternatives were there. How willing were the partners to push the envelope in terms of trying alternatives, etc.

There was a lot of what I consider psychological mumbo-jumbo that went on too, but I didn't see a productive side to it. I thought I had an open mind going in, but realized that I had some pre-conceived notions as well. Didn't learn as much as I wanted, but more than I thought I would.

 

[Series 6]

Ok, I'll bite. SWMBO and I went to counseling at the advice of her OBGYN when this first started for us. I'll say the downturn was probably about 8 years ago for us. Prior to that, our sex life was pretty vanilla by my standards, but it wasn't bad - just infrequent.

The counselor started in with why we weren't having sex. Some of it boiled down to the fact that we weren't making time for it, and with our schedules and the kids we were both tired and prioritizing sleep over sex.

Then the discussion started in on what we did in bed - be prepared to be much more candid than you think you are going to be - it will get down to the nitty-gritty. Each partner was asked about what they enjoyed in the bedroom, which really wasn't revealing to either me or SWMBO. We both knew the other's likes and dislikes. She's not a fan of oral (giving or receiving) and she likes some variety of position and some manual stimulation and has a few choices for places she wants to get touched or licked and how. (FYI, her gag reflex is so bad, she doesn't even like tooth-brushing.)

When the subject rolled around to the pain SWMBO was experiencing, the counselor brought up a variety of other things we could do for sex that didn't revolve around the vagina, but they were either things SWMBO didn't want, or just had lost interest in. There was a variety including verbal, tactile, and sensual activities - play. Also the idea of open marriage and alternative lifestyle stuff came up, but that was quickly shot down.

The loss of interest brought us a bunch of testing by MD's of various sorts. Bloodwork, mostly. No real surprises there, either.

The whole thing was basically problem solving. What alternatives were there. How willing were the partners to push the envelope in terms of trying alternatives, etc.

There was a lot of what I consider psychological mumbo-jumbo that went on too, but I didn't see a productive side to it. I thought I had an open mind going in, but realized that I had some pre-conceived notions as well. Didn't learn as much as I wanted, but more than I thought I would.

Thank you for your candor. My ex and I never discussed anything about our sex lives. Though knowing my ex, she would never have discussed it. Her mechanism is to avoid confrontation and difficult conversations, bury feelings and then just run away from a situation when she hits a breaking point. I'll admit that I needed and still am working to be a better communicator and work on other issues.

A part of me wonders if the vast number of relationships simply have an expiration date. That no matter what we discuss or try, our sex lives have just simply run their course. Then when both people find a new partner, sex becomes rejuvenated for both partners.

 

[TTawhere]

Well give some thought to therapy to open up the lines of communication. That’s a start. Doesn’t sound like couples therapy is a bad idea if she’s willing to go.

I guess I hear you on the expiration date for relationships, but I don’t think that has to happen and social conventions sort of frown on it. Still, that’s one of the things where individuals have to make their own choices.

 

[Series 6]

Well give some thought to therapy to open up the lines of communication. That’s a start. Doesn’t sound like couples therapy is a bad idea if she’s willing to go.

I guess I hear you on the expiration date for relationships, but I don’t think that has to happen and social conventions sort of frown on it. Still, that’s one of the things where individuals have to make their own choices.

We did go to counseling, but we really weren't ready to hear and say what we needed to. We've been divorced for 7 years now. I have dealt with a lot of depression in the aftermath (she made the decision to leave. I was ready to try and work on things, including myself. She has never been willing to work on her issues.) All that said, I think that there are things that I have addressed and worked on to make myself a better person.

 

[Polranny]

Counselling! Both parties need to be in the right frame of mind for counselling (barrier 1), counsellor has to be in tune with counsellees (barrier 2). Much of counselling is over rated.its either common sense or mumbo fucking jumbo.

 

[DDBustyBrit]

I will be back to add my two cents on this issue and impart my own experience. But I have read all your input and wisdom on counseling. M you made me typical British no beating around the fucking bush honesty!

But if I don’t get Perverts Paradise updated tonight, the delicious LizVegas is catching a flight to come beat me up she says!

There are many men in here who’d pay good money for that match up!

I’ll be back with my 2 cents guys

 

[ccs29745]

It's interesting. I'm going back to college with a major of Human Services/Psychology. Right now I'm attending a community college to build up credits economically, but I got accepted into an adult accelerated program at a 4 year college. One of the classes the 4 year college offers is The Psychology of Women. It's not part of the Adult Accelerated Program, but I think I want to take it anyway because I think it will really help me both personally and professionally. I haven't made a solid decision on what I want to do with my degree after I graduate, but relationship counseling does interest me.

I've been separated/divorced for over 7 years. Our marriage was mostly sexless, mostly because we both had communication issues and were sexually incompatible. Sadly I have not found a fun partner, so I am still basically sexless.

The counselor idea sounds good. The thread will pay you for counseling. Lol

Wife and I mentioned counseling long time ago, never did it. Just wish she would me touch her more than a quick hug and peck on the cheek.

I like wrapping my arms around her, holding on to her breasts as I kiss her down her neck. All I get is a hard on and a push away calling me pervert or her saying not now.

 

[TTawhere]

A good quote

Something posted by a friend of mine today. Thought it apropos here:

"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place."

 

[ccs29745]

Something posted by a friend of mine today. Thought it apropos here:

"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place."

Very true

 

[NotASavior]

In my experience its best to always put your cards out on the table. I have no issues letting my spouse know my frustration with lack of sex. I didnt say I dont love her. I didn’t say I am attracted to someone else. I made sure to let her know it’s simply a want and desire to be sexually fulfilled. I have urges. I am human and unfortunately my body produces chemicals at a higher rate that keep my sex drive humming along like my teenage years. I let her know it is embarrassing and hinders my ability to think clearly and focus at times. It was only after breaking it down like that did she understand my perspective. We actually had sex recently and after about 18 months of no sex with each other we both feel closer now that everything has been explained. We went to breakfast and ended up talking for well over 2 hours about our options. She again has encouraged for me to reach out to other wives that could use the confidence boost of another man physically wanting them. She said my desire for her through everything and my willingness to talk about my feelings is a huge turn on and maybe one day she will ask for me to bring another woman home. It’s not my goal but it sure sounds like my wife and I are slowly moving to a new chapter.

 

[TTawhere]

Very true

Yannow, I've got a slightly different version of your tag line. Same meaning, however.

"Say what you mean, mean what you say, and do what you said."

 

[DDBustyBrit]

Day of revelation

So I’ve had a very peaceful contemplative day & a chance to think clearly. I posted this elsewhere in the PG but thought I’d share it here with the people I consider ‘Lit family’. Many of you know of my recent sadness & why.....

“I finally realized I only deserve the best & I have choices. I’m mentally stronger, less gullible, less trusting, less needy, more independent, less forgiving, my heart is very guarded & now I know my own worth

I appear to have raised the walls & drawbridge on my fortress

I like to have a man in my life... but I don’t need one to be happy & fulfilled!

When you hit rock bottom like I did Monday, it opens your eyes to truths & there’s only one way you can go.”

 

[Series 6]

Something posted by a friend of mine today. Thought it apropos here:

"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place."

I'll throw this out there. Do you feel like this happens when a spouse vents the frustrations they have with their partner to one of their friends? Are they getting it out of their system, but not telling the person who needs to hear it? (husband or wife?) As a result, a watered down version of their feelings is eventually communicated to their partner and the message is not really sent, causing the illusion that communication has taken place?

 

[ccs29745]

So I’ve had a very peaceful contemplative day & a chance to think clearly. I posted this elsewhere in the PG but thought I’d share it here with the people I consider ‘Lit family’. Many of you know of my recent sadness & why.....

“I finally realized I only deserve the best & I have choices. I’m mentally stronger, less gullible, less trusting, less needy, more independent, less forgiving, my heart is very guarded & now I know my own worth

I appear to have raised the walls & drawbridge on my fortress

I like to have a man in my life... but I don’t need one to be happy & fulfilled!

When you hit rock bottom like I did Monday, it opens your eyes to truths & there’s only one way you can go.”

You're a tough lady Brit, this is just another bump in the road life seems to enjoy throwing at people. You'll recover sooner than before, just don't block us all out

 

[ccs29745]

Yannow, I've got a slightly different version of your tag line. Same meaning, however.

"Say what you mean, mean what you say, and do what you said."

My slogan gets me in trouble sometimes, but then again not everyone likes hearing the truth. There's a reason my nickname is asshole at work.lol

 

[TTawhere]

I'll throw this out there. Do you feel like this happens when a spouse vents the frustrations they have with their partner to one of their friends? Are they getting it out of their system, but not telling the person who needs to hear it? (husband or wife?) As a result, a watered down version of their feelings is eventually communicated to their partner and the message is not really sent, causing the illusion that communication has taken place?

That's one way.

Another way is when people talk together and one person thinks that they've been understood, but the message simply hasn't been communicated clearly.

There are lots of ways for the message not to get through.