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Sexless Marriages

lifeis2short2b said:
I think when talking about sexless marriages we are not getting the whole picture from posters. I think each person has a "cause" for there sexless marriage. What I am curious about is how many have just sex ? How many miss actually making love ?
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Speaking for myself. There is no making love, no sex, no intimacy. There is conversation, but it avoids certain subjects.
 
lifeis2short2b said:
I think when talking about sexless marriages we are not getting the whole picture from posters. I think each person has a "cause" for there sexless marriage. What I am curious about is how many have just sex ? How many miss actually making love ?
Click to expand...
Very good point, often overlooked.
Gotta be more than the physical act, emotional need also.
 
If you look back far enough there will be posts covering this. A bit of a read now its at least 219 pages. Just goes to show how big a subject this is.

It has to be a discussion as there are so many different situations.

Mine I think was reasonably common - we as a couple were not in a bad state, operating to keep everything going, still talking to each other - but sexually stale with me being the driving force to want sex.

And this is where the conversation gets diverse - I believe I'm in a common area but there are some wonderful women on here with the same situation that their husbands / partner doesn't have the want for sex. And lots of other situations.

I agree with Olderwiserstillhorny statement that it isn't just the act of sex it's the general touch and feel of being together. When you are in the cycle of one wanting sex and the other not bothered the touch / feel and time for each other is probably not there eaither.

To Bore the hell out of you I can waffle some more.

I tried to work this out and talk about it with my wife and kept getting to the same dead end most times. So like some here I continued looking on line and measuring our situation with others. I tried one last avenue after reading a chastity blog. Unlike some blogs this wasn't focused on the femdom kink (well not as much) but more about the male / female imbalance.

So my scenario is focused on male wanting sex female not (so not everyones situation)

The general theory is that due to several reasons of being busy / stress / being used to each other the need can drop and the male gets frustrated that sex doesn't appear to be a thing anymore. He is then in the situation of wanting what he can't get - the one pushing and asking for it and your partner in the role of rejecting you which makes it worse,

The short term and quickest way forwards is then solo masturbation. That makes this whole thing worse as you are now in less sexual contact and creating yet more space between you and your partner.

I was at that point - wanking whenever I had private time and looking at porn more. (dirty old man 😈😂)
Our discussions weren't great either as she didn't want to hear about out sexual side of the relationship. The theory was according to the blog for the male to slow down on orgasms and consider their partner and match libido's.

Ok but how the hell could I communicate that in anyway. I went nuclear - bought a cock cage - tried it on. Then texted my wife about what I had done and what I was feeling. That was the important bit make sure that you put your feelings. In my case I still loved her and wanted our relationship to work. This message and action shocked her - but caused conversation - broke us out of this cycle. She felt incredibly uncomfortable discussing it - but I pointed out that was part of our situation - we need to be able to talk we are married so can share stuff.

I can go on - but after some thinking time she has opened up and we are in a better place. I think she now feels she can talk about sex - something she hasn't done or really thought about openly for years.

I hope my waffle helps - but the task will be finding ways to get your partner to recognise that this is a 2 way thing and you can be a couple again. It didn't work for me for a good decade but just to show there is sometimes light at the end of the tunnel.
 
Deepdesrp said:
If you look back far enough there will be posts covering this. A bit of a read now its at least 219 pages. Just goes to show how big a subject this is.

It has to be a discussion as there are so many different situations.

Mine I think was reasonably common - we as a couple were not in a bad state, operating to keep everything going, still talking to each other - but sexually stale with me being the driving force to want sex.

And this is where the conversation gets diverse - I believe I'm in a common area but there are some wonderful women on here with the same situation that their husbands / partner doesn't have the want for sex. And lots of other situations.

I agree with Olderwiserstillhorny statement that it isn't just the act of sex it's the general touch and feel of being together. When you are in the cycle of one wanting sex and the other not bothered the touch / feel and time for each other is probably not there eaither.

To Bore the hell out of you I can waffle some more.

I tried to work this out and talk about it with my wife and kept getting to the same dead end most times. So like some here I continued looking on line and measuring our situation with others. I tried one last avenue after reading a chastity blog. Unlike some blogs this wasn't focused on the femdom kink (well not as much) but more about the male / female imbalance.

So my scenario is focused on male wanting sex female not (so not everyones situation)

The general theory is that due to several reasons of being busy / stress / being used to each other the need can drop and the male gets frustrated that sex doesn't appear to be a thing anymore. He is then in the situation of wanting what he can't get - the one pushing and asking for it and your partner in the role of rejecting you which makes it worse,

The short term and quickest way forwards is then solo masturbation. That makes this whole thing worse as you are now in less sexual contact and creating yet more space between you and your partner.

I was at that point - wanking whenever I had private time and looking at porn more. (dirty old man 😈😂)
Our discussions weren't great either as she didn't want to hear about out sexual side of the relationship. The theory was according to the blog for the male to slow down on orgasms and consider their partner and match libido's.

Ok but how the hell could I communicate that in anyway. I went nuclear - bought a cock cage - tried it on. Then texted my wife about what I had done and what I was feeling. That was the important bit make sure that you put your feelings. In my case I still loved her and wanted our relationship to work. This message and action shocked her - but caused conversation - broke us out of this cycle. She felt incredibly uncomfortable discussing it - but I pointed out that was part of our situation - we need to be able to talk we are married so can share stuff.

I can go on - but after some thinking time she has opened up and we are in a better place. I think she now feels she can talk about sex - something she hasn't done or really thought about openly for years.

I hope my waffle helps - but the task will be finding ways to get your partner to recognise that this is a 2 way thing and you can be a couple again. It didn't work for me for a good decade but just to show there is sometimes light at the end of the tunnel.
Click to expand...
We ain't dirty old men!

We are sexy senior citizens 😂
 
Deepdesrp said:
If you look back far enough there will be posts covering this. A bit of a read now its at least 219 pages. Just goes to show how big a subject this is.

It has to be a discussion as there are so many different situations.

Mine I think was reasonably common - we as a couple were not in a bad state, operating to keep everything going, still talking to each other - but sexually stale with me being the driving force to want sex.

And this is where the conversation gets diverse - I believe I'm in a common area but there are some wonderful women on here with the same situation that their husbands / partner doesn't have the want for sex. And lots of other situations.

I agree with Olderwiserstillhorny statement that it isn't just the act of sex it's the general touch and feel of being together. When you are in the cycle of one wanting sex and the other not bothered the touch / feel and time for each other is probably not there eaither.

To Bore the hell out of you I can waffle some more.

I tried to work this out and talk about it with my wife and kept getting to the same dead end most times. So like some here I continued looking on line and measuring our situation with others. I tried one last avenue after reading a chastity blog. Unlike some blogs this wasn't focused on the femdom kink (well not as much) but more about the male / female imbalance.

So my scenario is focused on male wanting sex female not (so not everyones situation)

The general theory is that due to several reasons of being busy / stress / being used to each other the need can drop and the male gets frustrated that sex doesn't appear to be a thing anymore. He is then in the situation of wanting what he can't get - the one pushing and asking for it and your partner in the role of rejecting you which makes it worse,

The short term and quickest way forwards is then solo masturbation. That makes this whole thing worse as you are now in less sexual contact and creating yet more space between you and your partner.

I was at that point - wanking whenever I had private time and looking at porn more. (dirty old man 😈😂)
Our discussions weren't great either as she didn't want to hear about out sexual side of the relationship. The theory was according to the blog for the male to slow down on orgasms and consider their partner and match libido's.

Ok but how the hell could I communicate that in anyway. I went nuclear - bought a cock cage - tried it on. Then texted my wife about what I had done and what I was feeling. That was the important bit make sure that you put your feelings. In my case I still loved her and wanted our relationship to work. This message and action shocked her - but caused conversation - broke us out of this cycle. She felt incredibly uncomfortable discussing it - but I pointed out that was part of our situation - we need to be able to talk we are married so can share stuff.

I can go on - but after some thinking time she has opened up and we are in a better place. I think she now feels she can talk about sex - something she hasn't done or really thought about openly for years.

I hope my waffle helps - but the task will be finding ways to get your partner to recognise that this is a 2 way thing and you can be a couple again. It didn't work for me for a good decade but just to show there is sometimes light at the end of the tunnel.
Click to expand...
Sadly, I think my wife and I are on the same path as you described in the beginning of your post. I actually brought it up last night. She is avoiding any contact, trying to make me believe its my imagination. She also will not give an affirmative answer either yes or no if she even loves me. Let alone asking if she is IN love with me. I take silence as a no.

So. I have the pathetic choice menu of the cliche man stuck in sexless, affectionless, no-connection "marriage".

Its not a relationship at this point. More of a financial codependency.
 
These stories are heart breaking. Craving intimacy with a partner who no longer wants it would seem like a slow death.

And not to pile on, but it could also mean an early death - literally. Why? Because a flatlined libido could well mean there has been a significant drop in testosterone - in both men and women. And this essential hormone does more than regulate sex drive. ..It also plays a significant role in maintaining muscle mass, strength, and bone density. Which means it not only reduces chances of slipping and falling in older people, it may also help prevent bone fractures that can happen, if they do occur. Plus, testosterone influences cognition, energy production, motivation, and feelings of well-being. For all of these reasons, and probably more, men and women with healthy testosterone levels LIVE LONGER than those without.

So while it may be hard be hard to convince a spouse to do something about their loss of interest in sex, ask them how they feel about dying younger! ..Because that is what a loss of libido can signal, like the proverbial canary in a coal mine.

If a partner still has sexual thoughts, but never about YOU. Well, then it's a relationship problem. But if they no longer have sexual thoughts about anyone or anything, then it could be a testosterone problem. They should see a urologist, endocrinologist or functional medicine doctor to discuss and investigate.

But it is VERY IMPORTANT to make sure the doctor sees a disappearing libido - even in older men AND menopausal women - as a condition worth treating rather simply as a natural consequence of aging, which is what older doctors were taught back when they were trained. My own wife's first doctor (an older female OBGYN) said, "Not much we can do about it... But be thankful you no longer want sex, it's a huge time waster." So, she saw another, younger doc, who said, "Holy crap! Sex is super important! We'll find something that will help you get your interest back on track."

As a relevant aside: For many years now, doctors in Australia and the UK have routinely prescribed testosterone to menopausal women. Yes, to help keep their interest in sex alive, but mainly to help them live longer and healthier lives.
 
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LeeKee said:
Sadly, I think my wife and I are on the same path as you described in the beginning of your post. I actually brought it up last night. She is avoiding any contact, trying to make me believe its my imagination. She also will not give an affirmative answer either yes or no if she even loves me. Let alone asking if she is IN love with me. I take silence as a no.

So. I have the pathetic choice menu of the cliche man stuck in sexless, affectionless, no-connection "marriage".

Its not a relationship at this point. More of a financial codependency.
Click to expand...
Yes it gets like that.

I had to have a serious look at myself and consider how I appear to my wife. Do I need to be more approachable - not so tense (difficult when you really want connection and ultimately sex).

Then when ready approach her - text her that you want to talk about your relationship - how you want things to be. I wouldn't mention sex directly more about relationship.

My wife complained that she didn't want our personal stuff on text so much once we were talking more but I pointed out we seemed to discuss more after exchanging messages. So then i switched to emailing some of the more naughty stuff - which she would read and get to talk about. Again worried that family could ever see it so I asked her to suggest a solution. She went for Snap chat.

I digress but the toughest nut to crack is communication especially if they do not want to listen. It's still a bit one way for me but getting easier.

Would you do date nights - time out together?
 
Deepdesrp said:
Yes it gets like that.

I had to have a serious look at myself and consider how I appear to my wife. Do I need to be more approachable - not so tense (difficult when you really want connection and ultimately sex).

Then when ready approach her - text her that you want to talk about your relationship - how you want things to be. I wouldn't mention sex directly more about relationship.

My wife complained that she didn't want our personal stuff on text so much once we were talking more but I pointed out we seemed to discuss more after exchanging messages. So then i switched to emailing some of the more naughty stuff - which she would read and get to talk about. Again worried that family could ever see it so I asked her to suggest a solution. She went for Snap chat.

I digress but the toughest nut to crack is communication especially if they do not want to listen. It's still a bit one way for me but getting easier.

Would you do date nights - time out together?
Click to expand...
She doesn't want to communicate at all. She is in her own dimension.
"Date night" has happened 6 times in 21 years.

And not in the last 2 years.
 
quotetheravennevermore said:
Had the wife tell me the other night after 2 yrs of begging and getting shot down to stop asking, because she’s not interested and it wasn’t gonna happen! Does that count as sexless?
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According to a TED talk I've watched by a sex therapist; 10 times or less per year is considered a sexless marriage. In that case it includes a fairly large percentage of couples. I don't give advice to others on the subject, but being in the 'much older' bracket, and having experienced that low number for a long time, I decided to not guilt myself over finding a willing partner and keeping it quiet. That did more for my peace of mind, than trying to endlessly ask questions or trying to be a 'better' husband. I just accepted my situation, and found willing partners elsewhere.
 
RoperTrace said:
According to a TED talk I've watched by a sex therapist; 10 times or less per year is considered a sexless marriage. In that case it includes a fairly large percentage of couples. I don't give advice to others on the subject, but being in the 'much older' bracket, and having experienced that low number for a long time, I decided to not guilt myself over finding a willing partner and keeping it quiet. That did more for my peace of mind, than trying to endlessly ask questions or trying to be a 'better' husband. I just accepted my situation, and found willing partners elsewhere.
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Would love to, but I have a broken body and mind, So just suck it up and live in misery
 
It's a shame that many modern societies have placed sex into the "only between married people" category.

Thanks Church! :mad:

Give me Red Dwarf / Holoship any day.
 
I have been in the position along time and I wish there was easy way to get everything you want but unfortunately you can't. I have kids almost grown up now and wife still not interested so in my mind I do the only thing I can is chat, porn and letting an overactive imagination run wild whenever it needs to say dreaming of all the things I miss the most and stopped blaming and questioning myself and putting it down to bad luck and just enjoying the things I can that will not cause no harm to anyone else untill the time changes
 
RoperTrace said:
According to a TED talk I've watched by a sex therapist; 10 times or less per year is considered a sexless marriage. In that case it includes a fairly large percentage of couples. I don't give advice to others on the subject, but being in the 'much older' bracket, and having experienced that low number for a long time, I decided to not guilt myself over finding a willing partner and keeping it quiet. That did more for my peace of mind, than trying to endlessly ask questions or trying to be a 'better' husband. I just accepted my situation, and found willing partners elsewhere.
Click to expand...
So 8 times in 10 years?
Are we in a sexless marriage?
Thats not a marriage. Thats a financial codependency.

I brought it up this week, and she dismissed the claim that we are basically roommates. 23 years together and now this bullshit.

Everyone claims her body her choice. Can I get aex outside the marriage? She says she'll shoot me.
Can I get sex inside the marriage?
Nope. Shes always too tired...while on there goddamn phone for 3 hours after lights out, every single night. This has gone on to this point. And its absurd.

So her body her choice.
My body, no choice. Nothing.

I reserve the right to deem this a pile of bullshit.

And I resent this shit to the ground.

Ive decided to leave. Call me all the billshit names you want, she is evil or cheating or both.

If this makes me the villain, so fuckin be it.

Out.
 
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