Sexless Marriages

[Strixaluco]

Yes we have both learned to our cost that we need to communicate in a relationship. It’s funny that we actually like the same things and are happier now then ever but it took some courage to be honest but it’s also much better to try and see than look elsewhere too

Without enough good discussion the relationship may and probably will go awry at even some rather minor things over time - unnecessarily unhappy or even ending up at divorce. With discussion much larger issues are often solvable.

A long happy relationship without discussing issues is an unlikely phenomena.

 

[Camos1000]

Without enough good discussion the relationship may and probably will go awry at even some rather minor things over time - unnecessarily unhappy or even ending up at divorce. With discussion much larger issues are often solvable.

A long happy relationship without discussing issues is an unlikely phenomena.

Totally agree . I guess we have always been open to new things though I suppose and that is what made it easier It’s a lot better than drifting apart anyway I think. If you talk and you decide you are not compatible it’s better to deal with that I think than let it drag on You might find that some of the things you think the other might not like actually they do like we did

 

[Strixaluco]

Totally agree . I guess we have always been open to new things though I suppose and that is what made it easier It’s a lot better than drifting apart anyway I think. If you talk and you decide you are not compatible it’s better to deal with that I think than let it drag on You might find that some of the things you think the other might not like actually they do like we did

Still totally in agreement.

And sometimes you can find a solution together. Maybe the other one doesn't like exactly how you suggest it, but you can find something that has the crucial components you're after, and also is ok for the other.

 

[Strixaluco]

I have been guilty of dragging it too long twice (not that the men in question complained, they wanted to keep on even longer)

 

[Greytruck]

Been in a sexless marriage for some 10 years now. The sex was dwindling prior to that but then came menopause.
im 69 and she’s 64.. been married now 39 years.
what brought us together in 1984 is not in our lives.. we used to fuck everyday at first.
anywhere anytime.
then kids came along, then jobs got stressful. She was tired. I was frustrated.
now I’ll just jerk off when I feel the need.. she will use her vibrator herself.
or ask me to do if. Which I’m always ready to help.
once or twice a year she will offer up a handjob.. which feels great.
after reading things on line and comments in chat rooms. Our relationship is not unique.
Kinda unfair because now we are alone in this house.. have opportunity like no other time in our lives.

 

[Camos1000]

Been in a sexless marriage for some 10 years now. The sex was dwindling prior to that but then came menopause.
im 69 and she’s 64.. been married now 39 years.
what brought us together in 1984 is not in our lives.. we used to fuck everyday at first.
anywhere anytime.
then kids came along, then jobs got stressful. She was tired. I was frustrated.
now I’ll just jerk off when I feel the need.. she will use her vibrator herself.
or ask me to do if. Which I’m always ready to help.
once or twice a year she will offer up a handjob.. which feels great.
after reading things on line and comments in chat rooms. Our relationship is not unique.
Kinda unfair because now we are alone in this house.. have opportunity like no other time in our lives.

Have you tried asking for a hand job ? She might actually enjoy you wanting it . We do a lot now that we communicate more It’s a great place to be

 

[Britva415]

I don't think that he'd be phased by another injection

This one goes right in the pecker, so...

 

[Britva415]

I’m sorry to butt in on this one but have you all tried talking about things ? I’m sorry if this has all ready been said. We are very open about what we like and want out of all sides of our relationship and it works wonders for us . We find that if we both know what the other likes / wants we have a much better sex life and a lot less stress

Some of these spouses won't consider it.

A few of those here do have spouses who are willing to talk about it. Some of them are not necessarily willing to have any more sex than they're having, but willing to talk about it, at least.

Nobody is here because they have a good sex life.

 

[Badkitty40]

My question to you is has it killed his desire for sex along with his ability to have an erection? If he desires it, there is no shame in exploring options such as a penile implant or finding ways to enjoy intimacy without penetrative sex. As our bodies age and change, many times we have to find ways to be creative to enjoy sex and intimacy.

He can have erections, I think it is more psychological and pain related. He gets some shoulder pain at times. idk. We are still in a committed relationship. We are trying to be more connected on other levels like getting more hobbies together now that kids are older. But overall, we just haven't had much of a sexual relationship the whole time we have been together.

 

[Badkitty40]

Has he had his testosterone checked? Any health impairments?

That is a really good idea. No he hasn't had it checked. Thank you.

 

[Strixaluco]

That is a really good idea. No he hasn't had it checked. Thank you.

Also sometimes there can be something more sinister - another reason to get checked. Just testosterone levels going down isn't serious, though getting them treated will improve life quality tremendously. And that's the more common outcome.

But my late husband didn't get checked. It was more, it was prostate cancer eating his testosterone. When it was finally diagnosed, it was far too late to cure ir, only give some more time. Getting checked for low libido might have meant finding it in time.

 

[NancyPan]

Been in a sexless marriage for some 10 years now. The sex was dwindling prior to that but then came menopause.
im 69 and she’s 64.. been married now 39 years.
what brought us together in 1984 is not in our lives.. we used to fuck everyday at first.
anywhere anytime.
then kids came along, then jobs got stressful. She was tired. I was frustrated.
now I’ll just jerk off when I feel the need.. she will use her vibrator herself.
or ask me to do if. Which I’m always ready to help.
once or twice a year she will offer up a handjob.. which feels great.
after reading things on line and comments in chat rooms. Our relationship is not unique.
Kinda unfair because now we are alone in this house.. have opportunity like no other time in our lives.

Amazing! You both masturbate, but alone? This one seems simple. Commit to each other that you will only “get off” in the presence of each other, which means that you need to communicate with and tell each other when you are feeling the “itch” and want a sexual release. Get in the habit of checking in with each other every day about whether either of you wants to “play,” plan “date” nights when the goal is to be with each other sensually. There is very clear research that couples in long term relationships that have the best sex lives PLAN FOR SEX— in other words, they set aside time for it — they do not simply wait for spontaneity like when they were twenty year olds. (My wife and I plan a date night every week — btw, many of these we don’t leave the house.)

And our situation is unique because we are (now) in an FLR, but She, post menopause is not interested in PIV sex, but sex is a continued part of our connection and she is very tuned into keeping me aroused.

 

[fishnfool]

I'm not sure I understand this; my financial ruin! Aren't finances shared with a spouse? Therefore the funds belong to both of you, and are split down the middle, right? Or am I being naive? With so many people divorcing these days I can't think that they are all 'ruined', most wives work nowadays, and actually end up doing three jobs, taking care of their kids, taking care of their homes, and taking care of their husbands! At least that's what it was like in my day. My husband always came home to a meal on the table, our home was clean and more or less tidy, and yes I worked too. So how is it just 'your ruin' or just your money? I don't get it sorry.

Late to the party, but consider situations where the spouse stopped working. Exhibit A here.

 

[Strixaluco]

Late to the party, but consider situations where the spouse stopped working. Exhibit A here.

I guess it has to do with obligation to provide for the spouse even after the divorce?

Here that doesn't really exist. You just split whatever you have, future is not considered.

 

[silky52]

Late to the party, but consider situations where the spouse stopped working. Exhibit A here.

Did she stop functioning at home? Such as housework, meals, laundry, shopping etc., etc? Or don't you consider that work? S

 

[silky52]

I guess it has to do with obligation to provide for the spouse even after the divorce?

Here that doesn't really exist. You just split whatever you have, future is not considered.

Here too, although I will say that the spouse's pension will also be split between the couple. That means both people, not just the male has to provide for the female! However, if the female has not worked or is ill for instance I think that's a different story. S

 

[Strixaluco]

Here too, although I will say that the spouse's pension will also be split between the couple. That means both people, not just the male has to provide for the female! However, if the female has not worked or is ill for instance I think that's a different story. S

Here pension is not divided. Nor is an ill spouse covered by anything.

Actually, if I was to stay at home in this country while the spouse worked, I'd want an special arrangement to cover my future somehow. Like, investments or pension in my name. I could go back to working in the case of a divorce, but the ordinary pension accumulation would have been tapered with already. (Well, in my case it's anyway... I've had non-working years bc of health irregardless of my exes.)

 

[shizzz]

Did you discuss such things before getting married? Or did you live together before getting married?

I’m in same boat. What I’ve realized is that the ‘love language’ thing is real. I show love through service. I’ll do dishes and laundry and build a shed and now the lawn in make a 6 figure salary. I receive love through the physical. Hit me rub my back. Worship my cock

She receives love through acts of service. Loves all the shit i do for her. But she gives love through ‘quality’ time. Sitting together watching tv. Shopping, walks, hikes, etc…

So it hurts me when she shows me love , all this time spent together, but none of it physical. It feels like ‘neglect’ to me….

 

[fishnfool]

I guess it has to do with obligation to provide for the spouse even after the divorce?

Here that doesn't really exist. You just split whatever you have, future is not considered.

You nailed it. In this state, divorces are expensive for the guy.

 

[Strixaluco]

I’m in same boat. What I’ve realized is that the ‘love language’ thing is real. I show love through service. I’ll do dishes and laundry and build a shed and now the lawn in make a 6 figure salary. I receive love through the physical. Hit me rub my back. Worship my cock

She receives love through acts of service. Loves all the shit i do for her. But she gives love through ‘quality’ time. Sitting together watching tv. Shopping, walks, hikes, etc…

So it hurts me when she shows me love , all this time spent together, but none of it physical. It feels like ‘neglect’ to me….

My late husband's only love language seemed to be acts of service - the kind he understood, mostly taking care of house & car, opening the garage doors for me (they had no remote control). Maybe gifts, it was a bit mixed. And never anything quite personal. Or things like cooking, even when I came home after 8pm, exhausted. Well, at least he sometimes cleaned.

Very little touching or quality time, and almost no words of love. Guess if I was happy?

Right now with my Dom... Lots of touching (of many kinds, we are the most cuddly couple you'll ever see) and regularly quality time. Not so many words, but acts of service definitely. Both ways. Gifts? Well, some. It's not the main thing för either of us.

 

[fishnfool]

Did she stop functioning at home? Such as housework, meals, laundry, shopping etc., etc? Or don't you consider that work? S

Silky, I see where you’re going and the answer is partly. Laundry and dishes get done. I do most of the grocery shopping while working 45-50 hours per week. We don’t cook a lot and picking up meals falls on me. There is another very major issue at play here and I am not prepared to discuss in the forum yet. You can probably guess. Willing to discuss if you want to DM. Fair question, but you are missing key parts of the equation. Thanks for the input and question.

PS - I just finished ironing khakis and shirts.

 

[Strixaluco]

You nailed it. In this state, divorces are expensive for the guy.

So old fashioned in our eyes.

But then again, here the property you own is alap split in divorce. Making antenuptial agreements to exclude that very common. But it's also common to exclude any split-up. My SIL just filed for divorce and they had excluded anything - both had kids of their own, so the exclusion was meant even in the case of death. (Whereas I'd do, being childless, an agreement that's only for divorce, my husband would inherit almost everything I have if I die first.)

 

[fishnfool]

Couldn’t agree more. I would suggest the laws are antiquated. There is more to this story that I may share sometime.

 

[silky52]

Silky, I see where you’re going and the answer is partly. Laundry and dishes get done. I do most of the grocery shopping while working 45-50 hours per week. We don’t cook a lot and picking up meals falls on me. There is another very major issue at play here and I am not prepared to discuss in the forum yet. You can probably guess. Willing to discuss if you want to DM. Fair question, but you are missing key parts of the equation. Thanks for the input and question.

PS - I just finished ironing khakis and shirts.

Everyone has their story, obviously one cannot comment on the individuals but only in general.

 

[fishnfool]

Everyone has their story, obviously one cannot comment on the individuals but only in general.

Understood and agree. Thanks for your input.