Sexless Marriages

[Carnage2020]

I seem to be in the same position as many on here, I am in a sexless marriage not a loveless marriage. My wife has never had a high sex drive but due to medical issues it's now non existent. I could never leave her and never be physically unfaithful and therefore I find my kicks in other ways.

Writing is helping, along with other stimulation but it's good to see there are other people with the same issues as me

 

[Male4Strapon]

I agree. I don't think it's "cheating" if your partner, despite many reasonable efforts to engage in sexual relations, has already quit on you.

well said

 

[hulmule]

Sad that they dont want to be close with us. Ive explained my feelings. Hasnt worked. I'm so lonely, horny, you name the feeling ive been there. Gone the full circle of looking at porn and stories to stimulate myself. But nothing beats the feeling of skin on skin, warmth soft body against yours. I' need some relief

 

[ExiledCreations]

I've been married for 9 years. Physically in a relationship for 10, and online friends before that for another 6 years for a total of 16 years (almost 17 now). For multiple reasons the sex basically died and it was not unusual for us to only have sex maybe three or four times in a year. She had some health issues early on and it was very hard for me to mentally recover from seeing her as the sick and fragile person she once was. In addition to that, I had some pretty severe depression that I was not doing anything about due to childhood trauma. I was in a constant state of stonewalling and shut down. Thought I was being a rock for my family to keep things secure because at times if I had a break down the family would have gone under as a result. I had to be strong for everyone.

On multiple occasions over the years, my wife had tried to get me to get help. The last time she was literally crying and begging me to get it because she couldn't go on married like we were. I was so shut down, that I couldn't do it. I could recognize the need for it, but I couldn't take that step. Everything in my life had become too much effort, and I was self-isolating and becoming increasingly frustrated any time something forced me to be present.

We couldn't talk without it being a fight. Everything was taken as the worse possible meaning. My stonewalling became worse. I had told myself that marriages are work and that they aren't always in a good spot. That this was just a rough patch and would pass. I loved her, she loved me. That was all that mattered.

That's when I noticed a change in her behavior. Wouldn't go anywhere without taking her phone, when she would usually leave it laying around often. At the time, we shared a laptop and she always left all her stuff logged in. Suddenly, she wasn't doing it anymore. We played online games together and were on the same discord servers.

There was a guy we had started playing with just a couple of months prior and I didn't really like him. She'd been spending a lot of time with him and by proxy that meant I had been spending time with him and I didn't care for his attitude. I could tell her dug her but it was whatever to me, I didn't care. He came into the picture around June.

By this point, things had gotten so bad that when our anniversary came neither of us realized it because we both thought it was a later date. Her mom texted her happy anniversary and that's when we learned we were wrong and after thinking about it realized her mom was right. It was just a couple of days after this that I got on the laptop that we were sharing and found that she had logged out of discord and it clicked for me.

I asked her straight up if something was going on with the guy I had mentioned and she said yes. That a month ago things had shifted, they had had phone sex and sent pictures and she cared for him. All of my life, I have had a vice grip on anger because of what I grew up witnessing as a child. When she told me that, I felt something break inside of me and for the first time I embraced the rage that I always feared was inside of me and verbally let it out. I was a dick in the things I said. She ended up leaving that night to go stay with her sister for the night while I contemplated divorce and all around was drained.

The next morning when I could think again and reflected on everything I made a lot of realizations. First, I recognized the part I played in how we got to where we were. Second, I knew that I was on a very dark road and that I had to get off it for my own sake and health otherwise it was going to be a bad end. We both agreed to try and work things out with the caveat that the old marriage was dead. It was either we built a new relationship or we went our separate ways and we didn't know if we could do either of those things.

The road so far has been rocky at times. Whatever broke inside of me that day, I reconnected with feeling good and bad. Instead of being empty inside, I now feel acutely. Sometimes it's overwhelming. I've been in therapy since and after a very rough start with a scammer I found one that I clicked with and had been tremendously helpful.

In the last two weeks, we have now had sex more than the entire rest of the 9 years combined. We've been intimate physically and emotionally with each other in a way that we honestly could not have been. We have been able to hold conversations that 100% would have been a fight before. The therapist she talked to while she went down to her sisters told her that our relationship had been heading to a blow up for a while. It was either going to be cheating or divorce and this was the path it took.

At one point, I finally had to make a boundary and stick to it. I almost didn't do it at first because I knew that if I did the result was most likely going to be the end of things between us as a married couple. Before I told her, I took the time to really think about it and realized that if I didn't do it now, I was never going to do it. If the result was that things ended, I was okay with it because I had put in the work and felt like I had done everything I could to earn my way out of the marriage so to speak. I would be able to look myself in the mirror after and be confident that I had done everything I could. It would hurt, but I wouldn't have regret that I didn't try.

I had gone somewhere very dark. I started journaling the day after I found out, and reading basically that entire month is difficult for me to do now. I can feel my anguish and despair when rereading it. It took a while but I started to see some positive entries in it. My part is going to take a lifetime of work. I will always have to be present and on guard against shutting down. This was how my brain learned to protect itself as a child. I was useful then, but it had grown out of control and was harming my life. Some days are easier than others but now I am present and that is huge for me. I never want to go back to where I was, married or not. I will continue to do the work I need to keep that from happening.

So this is a confession and a book. It's not meant to brag or say look at all the sex I am having now. I was in the place that many of you are at. My relationship was there. How we navigated what became a crisis I don't believe should be a model for how to get out of it. We are in a much better place now than we have ever been but that doesn't mean it is easy. We both still have our moments of issues, and my being shut down harmed her in some ways as much as it harmed me. We are both working on these as individuals as well as together.

I hope that for some of you this story can inspire hope, fully recognizing that hope fucking hurts sometimes. For some of you, there is still the possibility of turning it around. Whether it's you getting the help you need, your partner getting the help they need, or whatever it is that needs to happen. For some of you, you are clinging to something that isn't there anymore. You deserve better. They deserve better. It sucks, and it hurts. It will take courage to take that step. Like Mark Twain said though, courage is not the absence of fear; it is acting in spite of it.

 

[Wishingbox]

Having one of those lows when you’re reminded your spouse has a low sex drive and you feel alone. You try to initiate until you come to the point where you know it’s better to not try and be disappointed. Getting your hopes up is bad practice.

You get to a point where your asking for it then feel like shit because you have to ask for it.

Love her a ton but I want to be wanted.

 

[UtilityCurve]

This, 100%

I agree. I don't think it's "cheating" if your partner, despite many reasonable efforts to engage in sexual relations, has already quit on you.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

I've been married for 9 years. Physically in a relationship for 10, and online friends before that for another 6 years for a total of 16 years (almost 17 now). ...

I think part of the coping/recovery is sharing in a non-judgmental place and I thank you for opening up so much. Sounds like a hell of a journey you have been on! I can't imagine one ever really recovers, the memories, the baggage is always with you - but power to you and your wife for struggling through it.

 

[OxfordJack]

Having one of those lows when you’re reminded your spouse has a low sex drive and you feel alone. You try to initiate until you come to the point where you know it’s better to not try and be disappointed. Getting your hopes up is bad practice.

You get to a point where your asking for it then feel like shit because you have to ask for it.

Love her a ton but I want to be wanted.

This...

 

[Mtnmike]

Having one of those lows when you’re reminded your spouse has a low sex drive and you feel alone. You try to initiate until you come to the point where you know it’s better to not try and be disappointed. Getting your hopes up is bad practice.

You get to a point where your asking for it then feel like shit because you have to ask for it.

Love her a ton but I want to be wanted.

Very well said, I got to that point several years ago & it sucks.

 

[threequel]

I've been married for 9 years. Physically in a relationship for 10, and online friends before that for another 6 years for a total of 16 years (almost 17 now). For multiple reasons the sex basically died ...

I hope that for some of you this story can inspire hope, fully recognizing that hope fucking hurts sometimes. For some of you, there is still the possibility of turning it around. Whether it's you getting the help you need, your partner getting the help they need, or whatever it is that needs to happen. For some of you, you are clinging to something that isn't there anymore. You deserve better. They deserve better. It sucks, and it hurts. It will take courage to take that step. Like Mark Twain said though, courage is not the absence of fear; it is acting in spite of it.

Thank you for sharing this. I've been through a similar journey and it's good to see someone being so open about it on here

 

[Wishingbox]

Why does it feel so petty to want to enjoy such a relaxing and fun time with your spouse? It’s not even that I do a has ass job. Almost every time I make sure she reaches an orgasm before I have mine.

She says it’s fun when we’re doing it but it’s always on me. I put effort and work into accommodating and that doesn’t seem to be even matched.

I get her drive is lower and She enjoys different things. I understand there is a difference between compromising and I don’t want her to feel bad for being the way that she is. I just think if she put a tiny bit of effort in and tried to explore it for herself she would discover she could be more excited about it than she is.

And it’s not like I want someone else this way. I want her. Trying for an open relationship isn’t what I want but I also hate feeling alone, selfish, a nag or want to enjoy sex and sexual exploration. *

Maybe we just need to have a threesome so she can see what a sexually passionate woman and I can do and have fun to inspire and excite her to want to feel that or decide “no way that’s way too much work but you seem happy go for it and I’ll let you know I’ll switch to the once a month plan”

 

[Liv2Day]

Having one of those lows when you’re reminded your spouse has a low sex drive and you feel alone. You try to initiate until you come to the point where you know it’s better to not try and be disappointed. Getting your hopes up is bad practice.

You get to a point where your asking for it then feel like shit because you have to ask for it.

Love her a ton but I want to be wanted.

Exactly!!!

The lows come more frequent the longer (almost 4 years now) this goes on. I am hoping the feeling loneliness and despair end at some point.

 

[tnh_06]

Why does it feel so petty to want to enjoy such a relaxing and fun time with your spouse? It’s not even that I do a has ass job. Almost every time I make sure she reaches an orgasm before I have mine.

She says it’s fun when we’re doing it but it’s always on me. I put effort and work into accommodating and that doesn’t seem to be even matched.

I get her drive is lower and She enjoys different things. I understand there is a difference between compromising and I don’t want her to feel bad for being the way that she is. I just think if she put a tiny bit of effort in and tried to explore it for herself she would discover she could be more excited about it than she is.

And it’s not like I want someone else this way. I want her. Trying for an open relationship isn’t what I want but I also hate feeling alone, selfish, a nag or want to enjoy sex and sexual exploration. *

Maybe we just need to have a threesome so she can see what a sexually passionate woman and I can do and have fun to inspire and excite her to want to feel that or decide “no way that’s way too much work but you seem happy go for it and I’ll let you know I’ll switch to the once a month plan”[/QUOTE


You nailed it, that’s it, exactly. Even when it’s not sexless, it’s still always me that moves the ball forward. I want her to call an audible and just show me how much she wants it. How she is willing to bring the fun back to a stagnant sex life. She cares if I cum, she just doesn’t want to have to put a lot of effort into it. I know a third person isn’t even close to an option, and I don’t want to see her with a guy giving what I don’t get.

 

[Wishingbox]

You nailed it, that’s it, exactly. Even when it’s not sexless, it’s still always me that moves the ball forward. I want her to call an audible and just show me how much she wants it. How she is willing to bring the fun back to a stagnant sex life. She cares if I cum, she just doesn’t want to have to put a lot of effort into it. I know a third person isn’t even close to an option, and I don’t want to see her with a guy giving what I don’t get.

No way a third will happen here either. But she’s probably be happier know i was having fun and not expecting her to be something she’s not. I don’t expect her to change or feel bad about her sex drive but rather put a little extra effort in for my sake.

 

[69momma]

Maxlow999

I think your imagination may have gotten the best of you.

First thing, has your wife all of sudden lost her drive? A drop is ok, but frigidity is not the same thing.

Have you tried talking to her about how you feel without blaming her for the lack of sex. She may not be aware of how you feel about it.

Same boat, would it be fair to the others spouse. Only if it's am open relationship on that end, but how does it effect one's own spouse. If kids involved, makes it even worse.

I completely agree, your imagination has gotten the best of you. Adding someone else into your marriage without discussing it with her first, is not the right move at all, unless you want to end your marriage.
Have you ever tried to have a honest heart to heart talk with her?

 

[AnnieLit]

Maybe we just need to have a threesome so she can see what a sexually passionate woman and I can do and have fun to inspire and excite her to want to feel that or decide “no way that’s way too much work but you seem happy go for it and I’ll let you know I’ll switch to the once a month plan”

Em.... In my book it's a great way to solidify all and every insecurity she has. Men feel insecure about other men with bigger cocks. Women feel insecure about other women. Period. Bigger/smaller/perkier boobs, rounder/bigger/smaller butt, more/less weight, better curves, ... it is an endless list. Most likely all you will achieve with bringing another woman in, is showing your wife that you still can have a lot if fun with somebody else, somebody who is not her.

I would be completely pissed in her place, especially if in the process you do with that woman some if the things your wife wants, but rarely gets you to do. To you they will be nothing, because you will get to try all the other things that YOU want. But to her they might be everything that she sees.

In short, if you want to speed up the end of your marriage than by all means go for a threesome. But if you still want to save it, stay the fuck away from any other female body.

 

[Wishingbox]

No way we would even come close to a third Unless we discussed it in-depth and she was fine with it. It was in no way close to a reality or option.

For the most part we’ve been pretty open about a lot of things. We also used the Kindu app which I thought was a somewhat helpful. She basically said no to everything but it at least helped introduce things as options and awareness of what’s out there that people are into.

She’s made passing jokes about thirds and occasionally has made a comment like “I know you’re probably into that” to see what I say and I play it off coy.

It’s no ware near a real thing and totally fantasy.

 

[Loveitdady]

You are so right! The fact that she was once able to express those feelings indicates that, at the core, she is willing. But...and it's a big but...all of us women know that something changes drastically after childbirth. You suddenly (as in overnight suddenly!) see your body as a temple designed to sustain the life of another and it takes a while ( sometimes a long while) for your perspective to return and for you to rediscover balance. That phase lasted several years for me, yet here I am, still a horny old doll! So hang in there. A good relationship is hard to find and well worth the wait for the adventure that is around the corner![/QUOT

Some relationships are easy to find...just post on Lit...

 

[U812B4]

no sex here

I am 65 and in sexless marriage also, because, my hubby cheated on me and was having sex with her,then coming home and having sex with me too. Why should he have his cake and eat it too? When I found out that was it,,,no more, I didnt want A std,he goes out with alot of people I found out and he isnt very pickey about who they are and what they look like. I am exploreing my options, and looking for right guy, it sure is fun looking!

 

[Lost_Yonder]

I am 65 and in sexless marriage also, because, my hubby cheated on me and was having sex with her,then coming home and having sex with me too. Why should he have his cake and eat it too? When I found out that was it,,,no more, I didnt want A std,he goes out with alot of people I found out and he isnt very pickey about who they are and what they look like. I am exploreing my options, and looking for right guy, it sure is fun looking!

Good luck in finding your fulfillment!

That kind of reckless behavior is really quite unfathomable...

 

[AnnieLit]

I am 65 and in sexless marriage also, because, my hubby cheated on me and was having sex with her,then coming home and having sex with me too. Why should he have his cake and eat it too? When I found out that was it,,,no more, I didnt want A std,he goes out with alot of people I found out and he isnt very pickey about who they are and what they look like. I am exploreing my options, and looking for right guy, it sure is fun looking!

Just curious: why are you still married? It is not for the kids, not because "he is my best friend", obviously not for sex. Than why?

 

[JDredd711]

this may become the new hookup thread!!

So ready, LOL. Great thread.

 

[Wishingbox]

Blah having a low start to my day. Last night she asks what do you want to do in 2021 and all I can think is explore sex more and in new ways but then end up saying “nothing”.

Just one of the low days where you know Nothing will change here because she has a much lower drive and I’m loyal. Meh

 

[philos]

Am I the only one who’s sex life is still out of order? Seems like this thread died. I’d like to think it’s because all of those sexless marriages are no longer sexless but somehow I think not.

 

[Chillygirl]

Am I the only one who’s sex life is still out of order? Seems like this thread died. I’d like to think it’s because all of those sexless marriages are no longer sexless but somehow I think not.

I doubt you’re the only one. My husband is away for work . We talked recently about when he comes home...expectations and hopes and I’m not very happy with the results. A lot of maybe, we’ll see and I hope so. Seriously?! A year apart and you still think work will be a priority and sex will possibly happen, maybe.