sweetnpetite
Intellectual snob
- Joined
- Jan 10, 2003
- Posts
- 9,135
When you have kids, as they grow up you start to feel that you want to, that you should, impart some wisdom on them about sex- beyond the fundamentals about what goes where (pretty sure they can figure that out) and how to protect themselves.
Which leads you to thinking on the topic and wondering how you can impart such wisdom when you really don't know yourself.
Do you want to tell them that sex is about love and commitment, when you know that it isn't always? Do you want to tell them that sex is just about sex, when you want them to take it seriously? Do you want to tell them that its holy, spirtitual, dirty, fun, private, nothing to be ashamed of, natural or an evil temptation of the flesh?
ANd if you tell them sex means one thing and they see contradictiong examples will they be disalusioned or will they be intollerant? How can we avoid either of these reactions? And how can we teach them something they won't just have to unlearn later at the hands of the 'real world'?
I've been thinking about these questions, and about how to answer it, and I've come up with an answer for myself-- although it's not necesarily crafted toward the younger genertation as of yet-- but here is what I've come up with.
Sex is about discovery. Discovering yourself, discovering pleasure, the giving and recieving and how to ballance that out, discovering your needs and your limitations and your values and your personal boundaries, and fears-- but mostly it's about discovering what sex means to you personally, because it doesn't mean the same for everyone. And the discovery is made by trial and error, and it's messy (emotionally) and sometimes painful and not at all like a fairy tale romance. In otherwords, it's like life.
That being said, I still think the first time (if it's in your control) should be special and meaningful and with someone you love and trust, because it *is* this new discovery and you want to start out with someone who will make it memorable, who can lay a positive foundation for your future sexual self, and who can support you through whatever emotional and/or physical termoil that follows. It doens't matter if they have more or less experience than you, just that they can and will be there for you when the dust settles.
Not to ignore the reality that far to many young women's first experiences are *not* consentual. IF the first time is something that happens out of your control, then you need to know that it's not your fault and that it doesn't have to be that way. And I think that mentally you should allow yourself to start over. And you should find someone you can trust (a counciler, or a friend or whatever) who can support you through the experience and emotions as well. And of course to know that you are not alone.
Either way, you have to be willing to forgive yourself and let go of the mistakes, the misconseptions and the things that just didn't go the way you imagined, hoped or planned. Because it's all part of the learning process.
So there's my new phylosophy- discovery, trial and error, finding personal meaning, non-judgement and self forgiveness.
How does that sound?
Which leads you to thinking on the topic and wondering how you can impart such wisdom when you really don't know yourself.
Do you want to tell them that sex is about love and commitment, when you know that it isn't always? Do you want to tell them that sex is just about sex, when you want them to take it seriously? Do you want to tell them that its holy, spirtitual, dirty, fun, private, nothing to be ashamed of, natural or an evil temptation of the flesh?
ANd if you tell them sex means one thing and they see contradictiong examples will they be disalusioned or will they be intollerant? How can we avoid either of these reactions? And how can we teach them something they won't just have to unlearn later at the hands of the 'real world'?
I've been thinking about these questions, and about how to answer it, and I've come up with an answer for myself-- although it's not necesarily crafted toward the younger genertation as of yet-- but here is what I've come up with.
Sex is about discovery. Discovering yourself, discovering pleasure, the giving and recieving and how to ballance that out, discovering your needs and your limitations and your values and your personal boundaries, and fears-- but mostly it's about discovering what sex means to you personally, because it doesn't mean the same for everyone. And the discovery is made by trial and error, and it's messy (emotionally) and sometimes painful and not at all like a fairy tale romance. In otherwords, it's like life.
That being said, I still think the first time (if it's in your control) should be special and meaningful and with someone you love and trust, because it *is* this new discovery and you want to start out with someone who will make it memorable, who can lay a positive foundation for your future sexual self, and who can support you through whatever emotional and/or physical termoil that follows. It doens't matter if they have more or less experience than you, just that they can and will be there for you when the dust settles.
Not to ignore the reality that far to many young women's first experiences are *not* consentual. IF the first time is something that happens out of your control, then you need to know that it's not your fault and that it doesn't have to be that way. And I think that mentally you should allow yourself to start over. And you should find someone you can trust (a counciler, or a friend or whatever) who can support you through the experience and emotions as well. And of course to know that you are not alone.
Either way, you have to be willing to forgive yourself and let go of the mistakes, the misconseptions and the things that just didn't go the way you imagined, hoped or planned. Because it's all part of the learning process.
So there's my new phylosophy- discovery, trial and error, finding personal meaning, non-judgement and self forgiveness.
How does that sound?
