Sex scene detail

[Rob_Royale]

I got a comment yesterday and the reader remarked that my sex scenes read like a list of acts rather than a flowing sex scene. Basically, it lacked detail. It's probably the third time I've gotten similar feedback. Also, my recent attempt at a stroke story hasn't gotten much in the way of feedback, so I may have missed the mark there and likely for a similar reason.

So. if you have read or are personally known for really detailed sex scenes, please link one for me so that I can see what I'm missing in my own work. I'm not sure if I'm missing details in the physical descriptions, in the response to stimuli, or emotional responses. Likely all three.

Any help would be appreciated.

 

[pink_silk_glove]

Does your feedback actually claim that your sex scenes are lists of acts because they lack detail, or is the lack of detail just your own contemplation?

 

[Rob_Royale]

Does your feedback actually claim that your sex scenes are lists of acts because they lack detail, or is the lack of detail just your own contemplation?

Anonymous about 19 hours ago
Unusual premise.
Interesting buildup.
But the sex, while there's certainly no lack of it, is all rushed.
Lacks extended foreplay. And lacks teasing/edging.
Simply, from my perspective, listing sexual activities rather than describing them in detail.
And no ass play?
Three stars.


My work will never include ass play so I ignore that. The story he read was a group sex story. Extended foreplay or edging seems unlikely in a group sex scenario, so the comment about the detail is what I'm concentrating on.

 

[OverconfidentSarcasm]

I got a comment yesterday and the reader remarked that my sex scenes read like a list of acts rather than a flowing sex scene.

Which story?

 

[pink_silk_glove]

Anonymous about 19 hours ago
Unusual premise.
Interesting buildup.
But the sex, while there's certainly no lack of it, is all rushed.
Lacks extended foreplay. And lacks teasing/edging.
Simply, from my perspective, listing sexual activities rather than describing them in detail.
And no ass play?
Three stars.

Well, it's only one comment. I read your latest story (fairly quickly).

I didn't think that the premise was unusual, at least not in the literoticaverse. There wasn't any buildup. So right off the top I'm not sure how much stock I would put in this one comment.

I agree that the sex was fairly rushed, but no more rushed than most any other stroke story around here. I agree that it lacked foreplay or edging or any other nuance for that matter, but then again that's just like pretty much any other basic stroke fantasy around here. I thought that there were details included here and there but overall did not feel terribly immersive. It did seem like you had a checklist of positions/fetishes to check off as you went. You may have, and there's nothing wrong with such a checklist, but me sensing that as I read took away from my experience.

For me, all of your characters were porn tropes that checked off boxes. It made them cardboard. The only thing really unique or endearing about any of them was that Sabrina had a Czech accent. I think that your level of detail was not off the charts but I think that it would have been quite adequate with more interesting characters.

I've seen much worse written stories score 4.8ish.

 

[8letters]

I write really detailed sex scenes that I've got lots of comments saying that they are hot. Check out My European Summer Vacation for example. Feel free to steal any sex scenes from it as long as you give me credit.

It's a synergy - having likeable characters that are hot for each other makes sex scenes much hotter.

 

[EmilyMiller]

I got a comment yesterday and the reader remarked that my sex scenes read like a list of acts rather than a flowing sex scene. Basically, it lacked detail. It's probably the third time I've gotten similar feedback. Also, my recent attempt at a stroke story hasn't gotten much in the way of feedback, so I may have missed the mark there and likely for a similar reason.

So. if you have read or are personally known for really detailed sex scenes, please link one for me so that I can see what I'm missing in my own work. I'm not sure if I'm missing details in the physical descriptions, in the response to stimuli, or emotional responses. Likely all three.

Any help would be appreciated.

Not one of mine, but read this:

Baby it’s Cold Outside

Advisory: features female urination.

Em

 

[M_K_Babalon]

Anonymous about 19 hours ago
Unusual premise.
Interesting buildup.
But the sex, while there's certainly no lack of it, is all rushed.
Lacks extended foreplay. And lacks teasing/edging.
Simply, from my perspective, listing sexual activities rather than describing them in detail.
And no ass play?
Three stars.


My work will never include ass play so I ignore that. The story he read was a group sex story. Extended foreplay or edging seems unlikely in a group sex scenario, so the comment about the detail is what I'm concentrating on.

As somebody who's been in orgies and shit; it very well can happen.

 

[SimonDoom]

I think there are two ways of approaching a sex scene to make it more interesting and sexier.

One is storytelling: think of it as an interaction between two people or a conversation rather than just a sex scene. Have something going on during the scene that is more than just sex. Two people (or more) with their own agendas, trying to communicate or achieve something beyond part A going in part B.

The second is mechanical: Concentrate on mixing in dialogue, narrative, internal thoughts, and scene setting in your sex scene. If you mix in all four you will flesh out the sex scene in a way that will make it more appealing. Introduce all of the senses: sight, sound, touch, scent, taste.

 

[lc69hunter]

I have at least a dozen stories almost completed, but not, because I can't write a sex scene to save my life

 

[AwkwardlySet]

I got a comment yesterday and the reader remarked that my sex scenes read like a list of acts rather than a flowing sex scene. Basically, it lacked detail. It's probably the third time I've gotten similar feedback. Also, my recent attempt at a stroke story hasn't gotten much in the way of feedback, so I may have missed the mark there and likely for a similar reason.

So. if you have read or are personally known for really detailed sex scenes, please link one for me so that I can see what I'm missing in my own work. I'm not sure if I'm missing details in the physical descriptions, in the response to stimuli, or emotional responses. Likely all three.

Any help would be appreciated.

I've seen readers say the same about many other authors. It could be about personal taste as well. Much of it is about expectations, I think. Some readers simply expect us to write smut like Pulitzer-level porn gurus

My advice is don't fret about it, although getting some thoughtful and detailed feedback can only help you improve. There are readers out there who will appreciate and enjoy the things you do right, and there are those who will find fault in anything. No matter how you write, someone will find some fault in it. It is human nature.

 

[TheRedChamber]

I read the whole story.

I kind of see what the commenter means. You have, I think, five sex scenes on as many pages and quite a few of those scenes include multiple people.

Consider this extract:

Kayla shivered in delight and pushed herself to her knees. Tim slid onto the bed as he watched his fiancé straddle her mother's face, facing him. Cookie's arms wrapped around her daughter's thighs. Tim's mouth fell open in shock as he saw Cookie's pink tongue slide into her daughter's pussy, to come away with great smears of her husband's cum.

Kayla reached down to grab both her mother's huge tits. She looked over at Tim's cock, now fully ready for action again.

She grinned wolfishly at him. "She's so ready baby, put that beautiful cock in her and fuck her until she's screaming, and don't stop."

Tim glanced over at his future father-in-law to find the man lying on his side just enjoying the scene before him. His hand stroked his semi-hard cock absently. He nodded his agreement with his daughter.

He slid up and popped the head of his cock against Cookie's clit. He smiled as she whined. He leaned forward, folding Cookie's legs in toward her daughter, and slid his cock slowly inside her. Kayla leaned forward, rubbing her pussy on her mother's chin, and kissed him deeply. "That's it, baby. Go to work on that pussy. Just like you do to me. Start slow, she's real sensitive right now."

Tim grinned and set to it, pulling her onto his cock and he rolled his hips into her. After only four or five thrusts he felt her pussy clench on his cock as she came once again, but he didn't let up, he continued pounding into her.

"Oh, Jesus! That cock feels so good! I'm so sensitive, so ahhh ... fuck!"

Kayla swung off her mother's face, and lay on her side, taking her mother's nipple into her mouth. Mark slid up behind her and slid his cock between her thighs. His hand reached over to cup his daughter's tit.

In all his life, Tim had never seen a more erotic scene. He watched Cookie's tits undulate as he fucked into her, with Kayla's mouth fastened over one plump nipple. White smears of Marks cum dotted Cookie's wet face.

Kayla looked at her man, "Now baby. Do it. Fuck that pussy. Give it to her."

Cookie was panting but in complete agreement. "Yes, Timmy, ugh ... please."

A shiver of pure lust and desire rolled through him, and he roared as he grabbed Cookie's big thighs and began pounding into her. Cookie's screams as he pistoned into her, drove him to new unimagined heights of arousal. Kayla nursed from her fat nipple as her tits undulated back and forth wildly from Tim's efforts. Kayla's hand slid down to begin rubbing her mother's clit.

"Oh, my fucking God," Cookie wailed. "Oh, don't stop! Don't stop, It's so fucking good!"

Feeling his own orgasm arriving, Tim reached out and grabbed two big handfuls of Cookie's tits as he came deep inside her, firing blast after blast deep into her womb. Cookie came screaming, at the same moment. Sparks flew in Tim's vision, and he fell gasping onto the sheets.

I've bolded all the phrases that express 'the sex felt good'. I've ignored what people actually say for the purpose of this exercise. The thing with it is, these don't appear until way into the scene. When Tim puts his cock into his future mother-in-law, I'd suggest that there should be a) some kind of expression that it feels good (and maybe specificially how it feels good) b) some kind of emotional response from Tim. We've heard throughout the story that Tim is weirded out by the family-incest but also turned on by it. We're nominally in his headspace, but he doesn't seem to be thinking during these moments. (And I'd suggest that other posters on this thread who haven't read the story (yet) might struggle to even identify that Tim is the principle PoV character until further down the section. This I think can happen when you're writing gang-bangs)

It probably doesn't help that you have at least two mini sex scenes at the beginning which are between an established couple and fairly briefly dealt with.

As Pink has said, as a stroker piece its fine - the fantasy set-up does a lot of heavy lifting in that department, but you lose the voice of the character quite a bit once the sex starts.

 

[Rob_Royale]

Which story?

Pretty Please. Links below in my signature line.

 

[pink_silk_glove]

Remember: as most of the writers here are amateur, almost all of the commenters are amateur. This does not mean that the feedback is not useful, but sometimes you have to give it less weight. It's hardly an exact science. All that I can say is that you really have to be open and objective to what the feedback is telling you, and that in a basic way is really just to not care if they are telling you something positive or negative. Just take it as something and then you can decide how you feel about how that relates to the piece.

 

[Rob_Royale]

I write really detailed sex scenes that I've got lots of comments saying that they are hot. Check out My European Summer Vacation for example. Feel free to steal any sex scenes from it as long as you give me credit.

It's a synergy - having likeable characters that are hot for each other makes sex scenes much hotter.

Thanks. I'll check it out. I won't be stealing anyone's work, just seeing what else has been added to a scene that fleshed (pun intended) it out more completely.

 

[bestkeptsecret678]

I think there are two ways of approaching a sex scene to make it more interesting and sexier.

One is storytelling: think of it as an interaction between two people or a conversation rather than just a sex scene. Have something going on during the scene that is more than just sex. Two people (or more) with their own agendas, trying to communicate or achieve something beyond part A going in part B.

The second is mechanical: Concentrate on mixing in dialogue, narrative, internal thoughts, and scene setting in your sex scene. If you mix in all four you will flesh out the sex scene in a way that will make it more appealing. Introduce all of the senses: sight, sound, touch, scent, taste.

Ditto this.

Layer in with the sex your insight to the mental state of the participants, what they are thinking, anticipating, or apprehensive about.

In this submission of mine (sorry, not a quick read), the mental state of each individual is actually the point of the story, and the sex is the place to put it.

https://www.literotica.com/s/may-the-best-lover-win

 

[StillStunned]

I checked out "Halftime Entertainment" and I noticed a few problems. Not having read "Pretty Please" (sorry, too long for me to look at just now), I can't say whether that story has the same issues, but they could be somewhere to start.

There's a bit of headhopping going on. I think if you're going to use multiple POVs, perhaps limit how many (maybe just Nicki and Don) and focus on their thoughts and feelings during the various sex acts.

Secondly, and more importantly, there are sections where every sentence begins with "She..." or similar. This makes what you're describing sound very mechanical.

With a stroker, I'll try to limit POV to one character. The reader will feel more engaged if they're not constantly trying to remember in whose head they are. I think you can create a greater sense of hotness if your character is so caught up in what they're doing that they lose sight of what's happening around them until they look up and pay attention.

The other issue is easy enough to sort out. Just give your story another read through before you submit and vary your sentence structure a little more. The sections where you did this made for perfectly fine reading.

 

[lovecraft68]

Secondly, and more importantly, there are sections where every sentence begins with "She..." or similar. This makes what you're describing sound very mechanical.

I still struggle with this, and have given up stopping to fix it on the fly. I go back later and make some changes, but its frustrating how I can't seem to train myself not to do it in the first place.

 

[33RPMVinylPants]

I still struggle with this, and have given up stopping to fix it on the fly. I go back later and make some changes, but its frustrating how I can't seem to train myself not to do it in the first place.

Don't worry about getting it right the first time. That's what first drafts are for.

Every time you edit, focus on one thing you want to fix:

• Do one editing pass where you focus on variety in your prose (Sentence length, sentence structure, paragraph length, paragraph structure)
• Do one editing pass where you focus on dialogue (Add grunts and moans, add exclamations, add the character giving each other requests or commands, focus on giving each character a unique voice. Make sure the POV internal voice meshes with the character's dialogue)
• Do one editing pass where you add other sensory details. What is your POV character smell? taste? hear? Describe textures and aromas. Most importantly, how does your POV character feel about all of that?

Remember: Your first draft is going to have none of these things. And when you go back to edit, you don't have to do all of these fixes in one go.

 

[StillStunned]

• Do one editing pass where you focus on variety in your prose (Sentence length, sentence structure, paragraph length, paragraph structure)
• Do one editing pass where you focus on dialogue (Add grunts and moans, add exclamations, add the character giving each other requests or commands, focus on giving each character a unique voice. Make sure the POV internal voice meshes with the character's dialogue)
• Do one editing pass where you add other sensory details. What is your POV character smell? taste? hear? Describe textures and aromas. Most importantly, how does your POV character feel about all of that?

This sounds like very useful advice for here on Lit. I recently listened to an audiobook from the Great Courses series that was about editing (Effective Editing, by Molly McCowan). It's very useful, but I think erotica requires a specific approach. Your list fills that gap.

 

[33RPMVinylPants]

This sounds like very useful advice for here on Lit. I recently listened to an audiobook from the Great Courses series that was about editing (Effective Editing, by Molly McCowan). It's very useful, but I think erotica requires a specific approach. Your list fills that gap.

Thanks!

The "focus on one problem at a time" editing technique can be really powerful, especially for someone like me who will accidentally do a top-to-bottom rewrite of the story every time, and just ends up with a long chain of first drafts that don't actually get any better, lol.

In hindsight, I would have put the "add variety to the prose" bullet point last, but really, you can do them in any order that works for you. And add more if you find yourself particularly lacking in some area.

 

[MillieDynamite]

I think the amount of sex in stories depends on the story. The story I just finished has one sex scene, one sex scene that isn't. It just says they made love. But the story isn't about the sex; it's about the danger the person is in, and her efforts to escape from that danger.

 

[Altissimus]

So. if you have read or are personally known for really detailed sex scenes, please link one for me so that I can see what I'm missing in my own work.

Most of mine have a fair amount of sex. IMO, it's partly the setting, the anticipation, the build that makes a scene. Then you have the emotional response - that's critical. I humbly put forward Fashionista, chosen predominantly because this is dollification - the MFC is incapacitated (but still aware) - and that makes the sex that much harder to address because one person isn't interacting. This, in turn, puts the focus on sensations and emotions - where it should be.

If you want something a bit more traditional, then this series is the closest I've come to writing a stroker.

I have at least a dozen stories almost completed, but not, because I can't write a sex scene to save my life

Do you know how difficult it is to find a literary agent prepared to look at erotica? I'm not being funny, but if you can't write sex scenes then don't write sex scenes. Write historical thrillers or dark whodunnits and get published tomorrow.

 

[lc69hunter]

Most of mine have a fair amount of sex. IMO, it's partly the setting, the anticipation, the build that makes a scene. Then you have the emotional response - that's critical. I humbly put forward Fashionista, chosen predominantly because this is dollification - the MFC is incapacitated (but still aware) - and that makes the sex that much harder to address because one person isn't interacting. This, in turn, puts the focus on sensations and emotions - where it should be.

If you want something a bit more traditional, then this series is the closest I've come to writing a stroker.



Do you know how difficult it is to find a literary agent prepared to look at erotica? I'm not being funny, but if you can't write sex scenes then don't write sex scenes. Write historical thrillers or dark whodunnits and get published tomorrow.

I can visualize the scene, In some, I have been in the scene. It is erotic as hell in my mind, but when I put it to paper, it is flat and clinical

 

[Altissimus]

I can visualize the scene, In some, I have been in the scene. It is erotic as hell in my mind, but when I put it to paper, it is flat and clinical

Ok, so *why* it it erotic as hell? What makes it erotic? 10:1 says it's what *you're* feeling when you think about it. If you were feeling nothing, I bet it would leave you cold. Kinda obvious, eh. Transfer the emotion into the scene, *during* the scene, not afterwards, and suddenly it'll be hotness.