Sex problems, need advice.

[dubby]

Hey, my GF and I are having some sexual problems and I was hoping that some folks here might have some good advice.

It's a pretty basic problem, really. I cum before she does about half the time. I'm not a premature ejaculator, but I don't last hours either. Part of the issue is that she's on anti-depressants and the sexual side effects make it harder for her to reach orgasm.

We've been together about 10 months, and this issue is starting to take it's toll on the relationship. I find myself thinking "I'll just jerk off tonight because it's easier than risking an unsatisfying bout of lovemaking." When we do have sex, I'm starting to have arousal problems because I'm so worried about lasting long enough to please her. Thoughts like "don't mess it up this time" make it hard for me to enjoy the moment.

We're starting to have better communication about the issue, which is helping. I know that she isn't pointing the finger at me or blaming me, but it's still hard for me to feel like this is all my fault and that I'm letting her down. These feelings are starting to go away as we talk more openly, and I'm hoping that my arousal issues go away as we focus on working this out together.

So, now that you've had a little background, are there any suggestions out there? We got online last night and ordered some cock rings (through the literotica store, I might add), but are there other things that anyone here could suggest? We're open to any toys, aids, or techniques that might help. I should add that she is very focused on things that we can do to stimulate her during intercourse. I give her oral sex (and pretty good oral, according to her) and stimulate her with a vibrator, but she doesn't find those things to be good alternatives.

Thanks in advance for your help, and please don't hesitate to ask questions if you need any more clarification.

 

[Guest]

 

[MercyMia]

Is it important to both of you that she have an orgasm every time you have sex? Cuz to me, sex is also a way of being close, intimate, touching someone's heart through the body. It sounds like you're talking about the issue, so you both might want to also discuss the other satisfying aspects of sex?

Best of luck.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

I'm no expert in this area of things, but my suggestion would be to talk to the doctor about the anti-depressent meds. I've heard from a lot of people that those can affect the libido. just my thought on this one. other than that, maybe try a bit more in the foreplay area and try to get her to orgasm that way. but I'd go wtih EE's advice. she's a smart lady

 

[Guest]

 

[Willing and Unsure]

Moi? smart??

yup... and damn sexy too

 

[Zilla]

I've been on other antidepressants, but Wellbutrin is the best for me in terms of not having sexual side effects. What kind of medication is she on?

 

[BlueDaisy]

I hear ya, hon. Ditto here. I'm on Zoloft and it makes it very difficult, if not down right impossible to orgasm.

Hubby took it and it killed his libido.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

I would suggest giving her an orgasm first thru foreplay - then get into actualy sex. Pressure is off you - and if she cums again its all the more fun!!!

 

[James G 5]

2 things
{rant}
First off, I understand some people need long term anti-depressant therapy, but I think they're WAY overused in this country
By population, we use them like 400% more than the rest of the 1st world countries COMBINED
And NONE of the SSRI class drugs were intended for long term (past 6 month) use in anything other than SEVERE cases...........the 2 guys at Harvard who invented Prozac (the first major SSRI) have said they're appaled at how many people are on them & for how long
The drug companies in the US, in their desperation & greed, have sold us all ont he idea that a moment's unhappiness is chronic & needs to be medicated away rather than people learning to deal with it & live their lives........Anti's were intended to be used for severe cases and for SHORT term use for people in very bad straits until they could get their lives together....the way they're used here is disgusting & practiclaly criminal.....I don't blame the people TAKING them, I blame the society & medical/drug co establishment that's convinced them this is the way things're suspposed to be
{/rant}

Back to the topic at hand
Even the "better" SSRI's like Wellbutrin can & will kill a sex drive in a lot of people
2 possible solutions, with Dr's consultations
Lower the dosage
Or "cycle"............set a couple of times a month where she tapers off for a few days & set those times for sex........make sure you don't set it for her period or the week before, or the PMS hormones combined with going off meds could wind up with you dead

 

[Guest]

 

[Hairgrip]

hum

i think that the foreplay suggestion is a dead good idea. in my opinion... sex may not be about the orgasm, but one partner sure can feel guilty if they are smiling more often than the other. first off, your partner seems to retain interest in sex - a good thing - but she has less 'O' time.
Focus on the foreplay...
Take the pressure off by not having sex for a longer period than normal, but reminding her how much you love/cherish/adore her and show that you love HER.
I've not idea waht the trigger is of the reason she is on the drugs in the first place, but maybe that needs to be considered too.
hope things start to get sorted soon
thinking of you
Hx

 

[Guest]

Re: hum

 

[Hairgrip]

Eh? EE, I said nowt about oral - see for me that isn't the only foreplay. I meant things like massage, back rubs, kissing, cuddling... all the things that involve real intimacy. i noticed he had said oral was kool - i don't orgasm so great from oral myself, but from finger work i tend to beam all day and night.
H

 

[Guest]

 

[Guest]

 

[noas5]

Part of lovemaking is pleasing your partner. If my wife wishes it I would give hours of foreplay just to satisfy her.
Don't give up on your wife's pleasure just ebcause it is easier for you.
My health causes me to not be able to stay hard for my wife at times, but she tries until I say stop or I orgasm.
Also remember that lovemaking is showing your love, not just sex or intercourse. Massages, carresses, adn cuddling do wonders for any couple who want to express their love to each other.
I do hope you & and your wife can overcome this problem, but remember if there is a will, there is a way.

 

[Guest]

 

[buggawugga]

the only problem with the whole foreplay idea is that when i was on antidepressants, i couldn't get wet or aroused despite the type of stimulation. those were dark times, even my favourite battery powered friend didn't do much. and even if I were able to bring myself to arousal, orgasms were next to impossible.

I definitely agree with talking to her doctor about changing brands. It's not an easy process though and if you're not weaned off the old one properly before you start the new one or come off them all together, there are serious withdrawal effects- like a month long migraine among others.

 

[Guest]

 

[buggawugga]

i agree, moving from one ssri to another is relatively simple even without a long weaning period. You just have to make sure that the dosage of either medication at any given point should not drop too drastically otherwise you get the withdrawal side effects. Like the month long migraine I mentioned. It's a blinding pain behind your eyes combined with the likeness of having your head compressed by a vice. very unpleasant and could only be temporarily alleviated by smoking copious amounts of.......

 

[Mstrskey]

a regrettable side effect of the meds

that I am unfortunatley familiar with as well.

Wellbutrin was perhaps the least offensive of the vast array of pharmacuticals I had pumped into me. Paxil was by far the very worst. I actually was more depressed on Paxil then any other med, and my sex drive was non existent!!

I was part of a trial a few years ago for a new anti depressant called Remeron which was pretty good at mood management and didn't have to many horrible side effects. Dunno if it's available on the market yet or not though. After the trial was done with I was put back on Wellbutrin and Lithium.

She'll have to try fiddling with her meds to see where she can find the level of relief w/ minimal side effects, but do this under a docs supervision if she is severely depressed. Also be prepared for some major moodiness as she does.

To touch on what James said...I couldn't agree more. There are some who truly need these meds to live healthy lives, but the majority of depressed patients do not require half the meds they have prescribed to them. I dropped my meds about a year ago for good. The really funny thing was that I tried to be responsible and went to my psychiatrist and asked him to supervise my weaning and he refused. So I went off the Lithium first, very slowly until I wasn't taking it at all. During this time I stepped up my therapy sessions big time. Then I went back to the doc and told him I'd been off Lithium for about a month and was going to drop the Wellbutrin as well and he dropped me as a patient!
I've been drug free for about a year now and tho I have times when I do cycle into a depression I'm living a pretty good life and can bring myself out of it on my own. Yes it's slower then with meds but I think its better for me then medicating my life away. Now I do burn my therapists ear off during sessions these days but hey...that's what she makes the big bucks for ya know!

 

[Guest]

Re: a regrettable side effect of the meds

 

[Mstrskey]

Re: Re: a regrettable side effect of the meds

You are bi porlar.... unfortunatly, most Bi polar people dont realize they need meds. I dont know from Adam to be sure, but I think your doc may be justified in getting upset with you if he felt you absolutly needed them.


Since you are doing weel, and are confident in your stopping. I wosh you luck

You are correct in that this particular doctor diagnosed me with Bipolar disorder. And you are also correct in that I was very reluctant to take medication, but in the year since I have weaned myself from the lithium and the Wellbutrin I have felt better then I did for the entire two years I was on it. I have also spoken to three other psychiatrists since then since I was afraid that if I was in fact bipolar I may have simply been cycling into a manic " high" and that was why I felt so good. These other doctors had a different diagnosis- severe post-partum depression which aggrevated my existing anxiety disorder. They agreed, all of them, that I should have been temporarily treated with anti depressants but that the long term use of lithium was not warranted as they did not view me as bipolar. They concluded that my prior history of postpartum after my first pregnancy- which lasted the better part of a year (since military docs don't believe in that sort of thing) may have led him to believe that I was phasing in and out of a manic cycle and therefore his diagnosis.

But yes, I am much better now and very happy to no longer be taking the meds, tho sometimes the meds for anxiety can be just as bad.

 

[DuckLover]

the only problem with the whole foreplay idea is that when i was on antidepressants, i couldn't get wet or aroused despite the type of stimulation.

The solution to this piece of the dilemma is easy-- lots of lube! It won't solve the arousal problem, but it will rapidly overcome dryness. Perhaps in some cases, lubing yourself and then playing might help you GET aroused. If that works, than plan time alone getting "warmed up" before playing with your partner (say, while he's cleaning up the dinner dishes...).