Sex as a weapon...

[M's girl]

In the thread about healthy vs. unhealthy relationships many wise words were said and I agree with most. Eilan stated that it is unhealthy to use (withholding) sex as a weapon and I agree with that too. However....

Whenever I'm mad at my partner or I'm not at all pleased with the way our relationship is going, I talk to my partner first. But somehow (mostly in former relationships) the talking did not always cure what was wrong instantly. Sex was the last thing on my mind then.... that's how it works for me, while I would notice that my partner would sometimes still want to have sex, even with our situation still being rocky otherwise. Since sex is something that we should both want IMHO, I could never have sex if I was not in the mood at that moment....

I think there are more women who really don't see it as using (withholding) sex as a weapon... maybe the ones that were not enjoying it anyway and in the first place and were having sex only bacause they thought they had to perform their marital duties every once in a while...?

I would like to know what you all think about this, so...

your thoughts...?

 

[silverwhisper]

i think it's completely reasonable that if you're still angry/upset about something that sex isn't something you're in the mood for. indeed, i'm inclined to think that someone who thinks otherwise is just a selfish bitch/bastard.

ed

 

[M's girl]

Well, if you deny your partner sex just to punish him or her, I wonder if you're not punishing yourself in the process too... that is if you want to have sex but don't just because you want to make a statement. In my current relationship things are different, luckily, and we almost always manage to talk things out and never stay angry at each other long. I have no reason to punish M withholding sex. But then I never would for that sole reason.

Whenever we did not have sex after an argument it was just because we were exhausted or just not in the mood after all the talking and so I guess.

I'm still curious to hear from people who have used withholding sex as a punishment and hear from them if they think it helped matters. Also what it was doing to them...

 

[Wolk]

Punishing your partener in any way for any reason is wrong, I think. Withholding sex is just one of the ways to do what's wrong at its very core. Beating your spouse is another.

If one is punishing another, then it's not really a 'partnership' anymore. If you feel like you need to resort to punishment, the relationship is already broken. If you actually do resort to punishment, it will do very little to fix things, only to make it worse and kill the trust, IMO.

 

[LadyJeanne]

To me, using sex as punishment reeks of Mom refusing to take him out for ice cream because he's been a Bad Boy and didn't clean up his room. This is not the kind of relationship I want to have with my lover!

 

[Eilan]

Remember this thread? The BF was withholding sex because his SO didn't initiate it often enough.

There's a difference between not being interested in sex because of an argument/disagreement (besides--make-up sex is hot!) and withholding sex because of the need to punish one's partner for real or perceived wrongs.

I hope this makes a little sense, as I'm having trouble making my thoughts clear to myself today. I might have to revisit this thread tomorrow.

 

[mistymoon]

subconsiuosly I may have witheld sex with my ex because I wasn't being treated right. I figured if you couldn't treat me with respect than you didn't deserve to have sex with me. It all comes down to a breakdown in communication. If a couple is having trouble comminucating the first thing that will be affected is the sex....

 

[SweetErika]

subconsiuosly I may have witheld sex with my ex because I wasn't being treated right. I figured if you couldn't treat me with respect than you didn't deserve to have sex with me. It all comes down to a breakdown in communication. If a couple is having trouble comminucating the first thing that will be affected is the sex....

I've never been in this situation, but I can see myself doing the same. Sex is love, passion, intimacy, trust, and much more to me. Respect, or being treated well, is a prerequisite, and I'd feel worse about having sex with someone who didn't share respect than withholding it. So, I don't see this scenario as using sex as a weapon unless "being treated right" is defined as, "He wouldn't let me buy those $500 shoes, said I needed to get a job so we could make the mortgage, didn't get me the right gift" or similarly stupid reasons. I actually know a woman who uses those very excuses, BTW.

The "weapon" to me is when it's used as a bargaining chip or punishment: I'll give you sex if you give me a blowjob or work on the house more. Or, I'm not giving you any until you stop going out so much. You're not getting anything because you didn't take out the trash. We'll have sex when you lose the weight. I can't see myself or my husband ever doing that because anger and resentment are quick routes to no sex.

 

[Munachi]

I must admit that in the days when I was very young and very stupid, I actually did try to withhold sex to show the guy I was with that I was pissed off. Never worked though. I got so horny I couldn't take it any longer looong before he even realized I was trying to withhold sex.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Remember this thread? The BF was withholding sex because his SO didn't initiate it often enough.

There's a difference between not being interested in sex because of an argument/disagreement (besides--make-up sex is hot!) and withholding sex because of the need to punish one's partner for real or perceived wrongs.

I hope this makes a little sense, as I'm having trouble making my thoughts clear to myself today. I might have to revisit this thread tomorrow.

*nods*

makes perfect sense.

 

[Sea-man]

To me, using sex as punishment reeks of Mom refusing to take him out for ice cream because he's been a Bad Boy and didn't clean up his room. This is not the kind of relationship I want to have with my lover!

I wish my first wife shared your point of view. To her sex was "dog yummies" and I was "Rover".

"If you paint the kitchen you just might get lucky tonight...."

She really didn't have a flair for the romantic.

 

[Eilan]

I've was guilty of this during my first marriage, but at the time I didn't see what I was doing, hindsight being 20/20 and all that. It's why I'm a firm believer in outside-of-the-bedroom issues causing problems in the bedroom. I resented certain aspects of our lives, and that resentment manifested itself in the bedroom.

This is an extreme example, but I grew up in a household in which my father physically and emotionally abused my mother and made her stay home to raise my brother and me even though money was tight. After I went to bed at night, I used to hear my father berate my mother for refusing to have sex. I'm not saying that what she did was right, but I can certainly understand why she might have done so. She was in a relationship in which she was essentially a prisoner in her home, and I see her withholding of sex as a small way for her to gain control. I certainly wouldn't feel like having sex with someone who beat me and took every opportunity he could to tell me how ugly and stupid and worthless I was.

The "weapon" to me is when it's used as a bargaining chip or punishment: I'll give you sex if you give me a blowjob or work on the house more.

My hubby and I have been know to do this, but only as a joke. The truth is, we're just as likely to "reward" each other for being lazy slugs as we are for doing household chores/projects.

I went to a concert with my friends last night, and while I was gone, my hubby cooked for the kids, vacuumed the living room and two of the bedrooms, did a load of laundry, folded and put away the clothes that I had washed earlier that day, wiped down the countertops, ran the dishwasher, and tidied up our bedroom. I told him that I should "reward" him for all the work he did when I was gone, but I fell asleep first because it was almost 1:00 am when I got home.

 

[SweetErika]

This is an extreme example, but I grew up in a household in which my father physically and emotionally abused my mother and made her stay home to raise my brother and me even though money was tight. After I went to bed at night, I used to hear my father berate my mother for refusing to have sex. I'm not saying that what she did was right, but I can certainly understand why she might have done so. She was in a relationship in which she was essentially a prisoner in her home, and I see her withholding of sex as a small way for her to gain control. I certainly wouldn't feel like having sex with someone who beat me and took every opportunity he could to tell me how ugly and stupid and worthless I was.

Just to clarify... Do you see this as your mom using sex as a weapon then? Maybe more interesting, do you think she withheld with a motive (i.e. your dad would get fed up enough and cut back/stop the abuse, or give her more freedom), or did she just not feel like being intimate with a guy who was beating her up?

I should probably note I don't think either case would be wrong, nor would I do differently in that situation. Those types of abuse change the equation.

 

[Eilan]

Just to clarify... Do you see this as your mom using sex as a weapon then?

I might not use the word "weapon." I'm not sure what word I'd use.

Maybe more interesting, do you think she withheld with a motive (i.e. your dad would get fed up enough and cut back/stop the abuse, or give her more freedom), or did she just not feel like being intimate with a guy who was beating her up?

This is just a guess because I've never talked to my mother about this, but I would say the latter. As my brother and I got older, the physical abuse got less frequent. I think that had more to do with the fact that we were more able (and likely) to intervene than it did with anything that my mom did or didn't do.