Sex as a criteria for marriage

[pplwatching]

I'm both a huge fan of sex and a huge fan of marriage. In the many years I've been hanging around Lit, a common topic is "She/he did {whatever it was} before we got married, but no more." Sometimes the tone is light, other times it seems that if the poster had known what was in store they wouldn't have gotten married in the first place. It's not uncommon to see replies posted about feeling obligated before marriage and so on.

How do you feel about the role of sex in choosing a husband/wife/life partner? Is the quality of sex is either a criteria for marriage? Are changes in sex after marriage a deal breaker? I'd like to hear why.

Based on personal experience I wouldn't take the quality of sex before marriage as any indicator of sex after marriage, especially after kids and the other stresses of marriage come along. I'm not advocating abstinance before marriage. My wife was not the first woman that I had sex with. I just don't think that the quality/quantity of our sex was the basis for our marriage.

 

[AngelicAnguish]

I've always believed that you have sex with your body and make love with your mind.

I am a very sexual person. I enjoy it and it's a big part of my life. I have had sex for the sole reason of having sex (Mmm... 6 steamy months with one guy I couldn't stand outside of the bedroom).

To me sex is an important part of my life. I was very open and honest about it with my husband before we got married. Had we not been sexually compatiable I would not have married him. It would not be fair to either of us, I would resent him if we didn't see eye to eye on things in the bedroom. Resentment is a nasty thing that can fester, not all things are changeable and fixable. If a person doesn't have a high drive or like sex you cannot force them to change that.

That being said, there are times in a marriage where stress and things do play a factor and it's clear that sex can't be the basis for a marriage let alone a relationship.

All in all I think a marriage is a balance between a physical, emotional and spiritual connection between two people, if one is out of balance then everything would be out of balance.

 

[pplwatching]

Thanks for your candid answer. Re-reading my post I can see where I might sound a bit judgemental, but I suppose that's just my life experience talking. Some time ago I posted this reply to another thread about sexual problems, but it took me a while to find it. At the time my wife and I were on the sexual rocks, so to speak.

When my wife and I were dating, she'd show up unexpectedly at my place at 10PM just to have sex before heading home to bed. We had a very active and exciting sex life. She was easily multi-orgasmic and would talk about seeing flashes of blue light after an absurd number of orgasms. Fast forward 9 & 1/2 years and two kids ... my wife's libido has declined to the point where she's really only raring to go about once, sometimes twice, a month. Other times she's willing to let me try to get her going, but she says that it takes incredible feats of concentration (on her part) to get things cooking. Sometimes that means that sex is a little one sided. Either way, after one orgasm she looses all interest in sex. If I had to guess I'd say we're having sex about 3 times a month on the average, and in fact some months we don't have sex at all. The nice thing about averages is that some months we get to make up the difference ;-)

I didn't marry my wife for purely sexual reasons, but it's certainly safe to say that I envisioned a fabulous sex life for many years to come. Looking back at the women that I dated before her, each was passionate about sex but the relationships fell apart for nonsexual reasons. My marriage stays together for nonsexual reasons. I can still tell you exactly why I married my wife. She was, and still is, my 2's complement. She shares my value system. She shares my work ethic. She shares my commitment to finishing what I start. She shares my interest in children. She shares my commitment to building a strong family, participating in our respective extended families, and raising our children in as stable and loving of an environment as we possibly can. A nontrivial portion of our income goes to the kids schooling, and she never complains about not having money for frills. She's a natural born bargain hunter and always buys her clothes on sale and/or out of season. She's a negotiator. She rarely complains about socks on the floor. She's always open to suggestions and always willing to look at problems from different angles. She's loaded with faults but doesn't focus on them. She never focuses on my equally abundant faults.

The problem lasted for about 5 years. I wrote that @ 9 1/2 years, and we're coming up on 11 years, so about a year and a half since I wrote that and recently things have changed for the better. My wife's sex drive came roaring back when shw went off of hormonal birth control. The Sex is back to fabulous, but for years sex was a very difficult problem for us.

Now that I'm "getting plenty" I think I can say a couple of things. First, if sex before marriage was a bust I probably wouldn't have married my wife. Not because I would have put it above all of her other qualities, but because I may not have taken the time to fall in love with the other qualities before moving on. I'm a bit ashamed to say that, and given how much I love my wife I might even go so far as to say that sex before marriage was a gamble. I got lucky. Second, her good qualities are the foundation of a great marriage that has survived the sexual bad times.

 

[Private_Label]

Mother's advice

My mother would tell us to have sex with the person we planned to marry, and make certain we were sexually compatible. Not because it would be a deal breaker, but having differing needs & desires in the sexual area could increase the non-sexual tensions in the home. Sex doesn't make up for a lack in other areas, but incompatibilities could certainly add stress and argument fodder where it isn't needed.

^shrug^ like any parental advice, this is YMMV.

 

[AngelicAnguish]

pplwatching ~ excellent points. I've only been with my husband for 7 years (married 5). After the birth of each of our children my sex drive did take a dive due to various reasons... dealing with major life altering additions to the family (both unplanned, but more than welcomed and loved), nasty delivery (forceps for one!), and then the whole nursing thing. All in all I agree the strength of relationship does not soley depend on sex and it is the other things you mention that drives that part.

The one peice of advice everyone here gives is communication. I cannot agree more with that as without the communication all of it is meaningless. A marriage with great sex and no communication will not be a fulfilling one in the long term.

 

[pplwatching]

My mother would tell us to have sex with the person we planned to marry, and make certain we were sexually compatible. Not because it would be a deal breaker, but having differing needs & desires in the sexual area could increase the non-sexual tensions in the home.

Wow. My mother never talked about sex, and my wife's mother would probably have strung me up by my nuts if she knew I was boinking her daughter before we got married. She takes sex pretty seriously. My mother in law gave my wife some advice

o Be open minded.
o Do not sleep under seperate sheets/covers. It puts a barrier between you.
o Never sleep in seperate beds. You can't reconcile if you aren't in the same room.
o If things get to the point where one of you is sleeping on the couch then you make sure you get the bed, then pour water on the couch so he has to come back.
o Sexy lingere is an investment in keeping the sex interesting.

There's probably more, but that's all my wife has shared with me.

 

[phoenix1224]

I read somewhere that, if the sex is GOOD, it makes up only about 10% of your relationship. But, if the sex is BAD (or non existant... or something is "missing") it makes up about 90% of your relationship.




For all the guys that complain that their woman did something BEFORE getting married that they refuse to do AFTER getting married, here's an old joke: Why does a bride smile as she's walking down the isle? Because she knows that she just gave her last blow job.

 

[NaughtyLil1]

My mother would tell us to have sex with the person we planned to marry, and make certain we were sexually compatible. Not because it would be a deal breaker, but having differing needs & desires in the sexual area could increase the non-sexual tensions in the home. Sex doesn't make up for a lack in other areas, but incompatibilities could certainly add stress and argument fodder where it isn't needed.

^shrug^ like any parental advice, this is YMMV.

I think your mom is very wise with her advice.

Sex, like any other component of marriage, requires a willingness to compromise, expand, to grow. If you don't share at least a compatible base in the beginning, it's very difficult to establish one after the fact.

 

[Lynxie]

Marriage is a commitment between two people to live their lives together as a couple. For such a relationship to be successful, the two partners must be willing to appreciate each other for who they are, communicate well, and compromise or make sacrifices when necessary. Part of the fun of being married is working together with the one you love to accommodate each other's needs in every aspect of your lives.

I do believe that sex is an important factor in marriage. As human beings, sexuality is part of who we are. However, we're all individuals and we all have different ways of expressing our sexuality and satisfying our needs. Being sexually compatible with your spouse in terms of what you both like, how frequent you engage in sexual activity, etc. is very helpful in maintaining a happy and successful marriage. While it's possible for a marriage to survive if a couple is not sexually compatible, chances are that there will be feelings of resentment that build up over time in one or both partners. A marriage will be a lot easier to maintain if both partners can love and appreciate each other for who they are - the more you force a person to change, however unwittingly, the more likely they are to grow unhappy with the situation.

 

[silverwhisper]

for me, sex is merely another way to communicate, a way to tell my wife how much i care about her, so angelicanguish's distinction b/n sex=body, make love=mind doesn't work for me. if i were still single however, i'd completely agree. :>

ed

 

[Lynxie]

for me, sex is merely another way to communicate, a way to tell my wife how much i care about her, so angelicanguish's distinction b/n sex=body, make love=mind doesn't work for me. if i were still single however, i'd completely agree. :>

ed

My feelings exactly, ed. You summed up what was in my head (which doesn't seem to be having much success with focusing my thoughts today). There really is a difference between having sex when you're single and having sex when you're married, too.

 

[silverwhisper]

well, in fairness lynxie, you touched on a great deal more than i did. i like what you have to say re: the give/take in a relationship. :>

ed

 

[pplwatching]

Thanks for the replies. Perhaps you nice folks can elaborate on your feelings about premarital sex being a criteria for choosing the person that you {will|did} marry.

 

[silverwhisper]

for my part, i think that for some, pre-marital sex may be a useful selection criteria, in the very specific context of what private label said of the advice her mother gave her and my view of sex as communication. it isn't the best criterion and sure as hell shouldn't ever be used solely, but i think it does provide useful information.

ed

 

[LotusDreamer]

Before marriage I believed sex was a major part of chosing one's life mate, in fact I still do. Like most people here, I think sex with love is amazing. When my husband and I first had sex it was great, then we truly fell in love and the sex became amazing. However, after 10 yrs. of marriage I know there is so much more to maintaining a happy healthy marriage besides sex.

So, sex is an important criteria when choosing a mate, but as you live and love together other things become just as important.

 

[pplwatching]

Before marriage I believed sex was a major part of chosing one's life mate, in fact I still do. Like most people here, I think sex with love is amazing. When my husband and I first had sex it was great, then we truly fell in love and the sex became amazing. However, after 10 yrs. of marriage I know there is so much more to maintaining a happy healthy marriage besides sex.

So, sex is an important criteria when choosing a mate, but as you live and love together other things become just as important.

Very eloquently put!

 

[AngelicAnguish]

for me, sex is merely another way to communicate, a way to tell my wife how much i care about her, so angelicanguish's distinction b/n sex=body, make love=mind doesn't work for me. if i were still single however, i'd completely agree. :>

ed

It's not saying that just sex is body and making love is mind, but that if you don't have the emotional connection with someone that there is a difference. In the past I had sex for the sole reason of having it, I never emotionally gave myself to those partners though. The emotional connection with my husband deepend the meaning of sex.

And I do agree, it is a way to communicate but can vary on the emotional equilivant in the relationship.

Hope that made sense. LOL

 

[Lynxie]

Before marriage I believed sex was a major part of chosing one's life mate, in fact I still do. Like most people here, I think sex with love is amazing. When my husband and I first had sex it was great, then we truly fell in love and the sex became amazing. However, after 10 yrs. of marriage I know there is so much more to maintaining a happy healthy marriage besides sex.

So, sex is an important criteria when choosing a mate, but as you live and love together other things become just as important.

I completely agree with this. Religious teachings that proclaim that sex before marriage is wrong have always baffled me. In my opinion, they're essentially saying that sex is (or should be) the defining feature of a marriage. I do believe that a couple should thoroughly consider and discuss the risks involved with having sex prior to engaging in such activities (and this takes a certain level of maturity), but I don't believe that it should necessarily have any correlation with marriage.

 

[Moleculor]

I'm not getting married. That simplifies matters for me immensely. Marriage is only setting two people up for the inevitable failure of their relationship.

 

[pplwatching]

I'm not getting married. That simplifies matters for me immensely. Marriage is only setting two people up for the inevitable failure of their relationship.

That's certainly one way to look at it. Do you feel that way because you don't feel that you can sustain a marriage, or because you don't feel that your hypothetical spouse won't be able to do it?

I prefer to look at it as setting myself up for the most intense relationship of my entire life, sexually and otherwise. It's worked out that way for me, anyway. My commitment to my wife, and hers to me, will ensure that our relationship won't fail.

 

[Van093]

I read somewhere that, if the sex is GOOD, it makes up only about 10% of your relationship. But, if the sex is BAD (or non existant... or something is "missing") it makes up about 90% of your relationship.




For all the guys that complain that their woman did something BEFORE getting married that they refuse to do AFTER getting married, here's an old joke: Why does a bride smile as she's walking down the isle? Because she knows that she just gave her last blow job.

I agree, my wife and I are completely at opposite ends on the spectrum as far as sex drive and it's making things difficult all around.

 

[Moleculor]

That's certainly one way to look at it. Do you feel that way because you don't feel that you can sustain a marriage, or because you don't feel that your hypothetical spouse won't be able to do it?

Uhm, both and neither. It's human nature to change, and while people might be compatible now, 20 years from now it's certainly not guaranteed.

My reasoning though is that if two people are compatible, they should stick together as long as they want to. Why get the government or religion involved? They're not part of the relationship.

 

[silverwhisper]

lynxie quoth
religious teachings that proclaim that sex before marriage is wrong have always baffled me. in my opinion, they're essentially saying that sex is (or should be) the defining feature of a marriage

that is, IMHO, a great point!

angelicanguish: i didn't mean to suggest otherwise, sorry for any confusion. :>

ed

 

[AngelicAnguish]

Ed ~ None taken Just wanted to clarify what I meant.

Some great replies and thoughts here!

 

[phoenix1224]

Thanks for the replies. Perhaps you nice folks can elaborate on your feelings about premarital sex being a criteria for choosing the person that you {will|did} marry.

Simple... Imagine waiting until your wedding night to find out that your SO is lame in the sack...