serious help

[tbon45]

not exactly a how to but a where to. i need help im in a big mess right now with my wife. she went through with sleeping another guy. even though it was exciting for the both of us i want her to quit. she told me she will not she also said she has no intentions of leaving me. ive been taking wellbutrin xl and im a total mess i need some one to talk to but have no one. i cant see a therapist because my medical insurance is being watched because of a law siute i have agianst my work for my back.what do i do guys im desperate here. im a total mess.

 

[SweetErika]

Wow...I'm sorry you're in such a bad situation! Did she give you an explanation as to why she won't quit? How long before you can see a counselor?

I've never been in this situation, but it seems you have quite a few choices:
-Let her continue until your health is restored (I think what she's doing is flat out wrong and cheating, but maybe she'll feel differently when she's not under so much stress)
-Open up the relationship (so when you're better, you can see other people too)
-Tell her it's absolutely not acceptable, how it's making you feel, and try to work on your relationship
-Separate, though perhaps you could agree to just a friendship until the financial and health situation is better.

Ultimately, you have to do what's right for you, but if you're feeling more depressed, you need to talk to your doctor about the meds and maybe getting some therapy (a lot of counselors have sliding-scale fee schedules).

 

[Bobmi357]

I find this post particularily annoying because according to your other posts, you gave her permission to do exactly what she did. People warned you in that threat that it wasn't a great idea. And there have been plenty of threads about people taking up open relationships where they've been warned about the emotional pitfalls that can happen in a relationship that isn't 100% stable.

Erika is right about talking to a councilor, but you should also talk to a lawyer to discuss your situation as well.

If you gave her permission to do this, then I'm sorry, but you reap what you sow. Now its time to deal with the mess created by your giving her permission.

i cant see a therapist because my medical insurance is being watched because of a law siute i have agianst my work for my back.

To be blunt. Bullshit. You can go to a therapist, this has no bearing on your lawsuit other than adding additional evidence of being under extreme stress due to your injury. If your lawyer is telling you otherwise, then I, for one, would have serious doubts about his/her competence.

I'm sorry you got yourself into this situation, and now you have to ask yourself can the relationship be saved? That answer is going to vary from person to person.

Personally I would have never granted such permission in the first place. You cannot go to a court and say she cheated on you because you gave her permission to do so. This wasn't a case of your being permanently unable to provide for her needs.

Remember those little words you both seem to have forgotten "For better or worse, in sickness and in health"?

I'm sorry if I'm not appropriately sympathic here, but I see this as a case of the arsonist complaining because he got burned by his fire.

 

[tbon45]

yes you are right i did give her permission i have no problem with that. and yes people did tell me not to do it but we did it anyways.i realize i made a mistake i admit that. she says she dosnt want to stop because she liked it. she does not have feelings for him it was strickley sex. i know she love's me and our mariage is not in jeapordy. yes i do believe that my depression caused from my back issue has gotton me in this mess. it does take alot for me to admit my wrongness here. im not asking for any bashing just some adivce on how to make things right and not hurt anybody. i am calling a therapest today because i need to find out what this surgery did to me. thanks for your help next time i WILL listen.

 

[ReadyOne]

1. Do take STD precautions when having sex -- you will be having sex with not only her, but with everyone she has had sex with, and everyone they have had sex with...

2. Ask your doctor about adding another anti-depressant (an SSRI) to your mix. Papers have been published showing that combination therapy can more effective than taking either drug by itself.

3. You have a lot of emotion cooped up inside you from your illness -- frustration, anger, fear -- which helps drive your depression.

When you can't control a lot of the shit you're taking, it's not uncommon to channel these emotions into a situation where you think you have control.

Bitching about the accident doesn't change anything. But your SO's behavior is something you believe you can affect, so much of the (negative) energy and depression goes there.

If you didn't have all the pressures of life that have piled up on you the last months, might you feel different in some way -- any way -- about her sexual activates?

If so, then perhaps you can start separating your feelings into parts and attributing some of them to other sources than your SO.

That won't make your problems go away, but it might help your relationship weather better.

Personally, once I had a glimmering of what was going on, I'd talk with my SO and make a joint project out of discovering what's really inside my head.

If you get to a point where you can treat this problem as a rational one (instead of a purely emotional one) then you can try using some logic on it. I think the search term is "cognitive therapy" as in thinking things through.

3. Also, try to identify any anxieties you may have. Frequently "free floating" ones can really feed depression. Fortunately, just pinning then down makes most of them go away.

PS: People, go easy on this guy for a while, please. He has enough problems right now and doesn't need rejection.

 

[Lynxie]

I find it really difficult to accept that your wife really loves you, yet won't respect your wishes and stop sleeping with this other person. I know she's under a lot of stress and the sex is probable a great release for her, but ultimately you're her husband and it's clear that something's gone wrong with the mutual decision-making aspect of your marriage. Whether or not you gave her permission is in the past. If you're currently uncomfortable with what she's doing, and if it is, as she says, strictly sex, then she really should be able to end it. She says she wants to stay your wife, but continues to do something she knows is hurting you? Sounds a little like she's looking for a way out of the marriage, if you ask me.

I would try to have a long talk with her about it. Explain how you feel you made a mistake, and that this is ultimately going to ruin your marriage if she keeps it up. If she still refuses to stop, maybe suggest separating for a while.

Bob's right when he says there's no reason you can't see a counselor. Talk it over with your lawyer and health care representatives. If it's covered under your health plan, I don't see any reason why a lawsuit would prevent you from getting the care you need. That would be another lawsuit waiting to happen. If possible, couples/marriage counselling would be the way to go - having a neutral third party to mediate your discussions would probably help you two out considerably.

 

[dollface007]

Maybe if you sit next to the bed sobbing while she's screwing this other guy, she'll finally get the picture. To each his/her own and all that, but i find it really hard to believe that you had a great relationship in the first place if you actually went through with this. Bobmi is right. Put a call in to your lawyer.

 

[SweetErika]

I find this post particularily annoying because according to your other posts, you gave her permission to do exactly what she did. People warned you in that threat that it wasn't a great idea. And there have been plenty of threads about people taking up open relationships where they've been warned about the emotional pitfalls that can happen in a relationship that isn't 100% stable.

Erika is right about talking to a councilor, but you should also talk to a lawyer to discuss your situation as well.

If you gave her permission to do this, then I'm sorry, but you reap what you sow. Now its time to deal with the mess created by your giving her permission.



To be blunt. Bullshit. You can go to a therapist, this has no bearing on your lawsuit other than adding additional evidence of being under extreme stress due to your injury. If your lawyer is telling you otherwise, then I, for one, would have serious doubts about his/her competence.

I'm sorry you got yourself into this situation, and now you have to ask yourself can the relationship be saved? That answer is going to vary from person to person.

Personally I would have never granted such permission in the first place. You cannot go to a court and say she cheated on you because you gave her permission to do so. This wasn't a case of your being permanently unable to provide for her needs.

Remember those little words you both seem to have forgotten "For better or worse, in sickness and in health"?

I'm sorry if I'm not appropriately sympathic here, but I see this as a case of the arsonist complaining because he got burned by his fire.

I agree it was a stupid thing to do in the first place, but the moment Tbon objected and she didn't stop, it became cheating. He was trying to make sure her needs were met, and if he had the impression their relationship was strong or she did it with a promise that it was just sex while he recovered, I don't think he's really to blame. If my husband ever felt the least bit uncomfortable with the agreement we've made, I'd flat out stop because I value him and the marriage. So there's definitely something else besides strictly sex going on here, Tbon.

I'm guessing if the other side of the lawsuit sees you have been getting mental health treatment, they can use it as evidence that you're unstable and maybe made false charges about the injury, or that you're trying to include charges for treatment for problems unrelated to the accident. However, you need to talk to your lawyer, because it seems your primary need for therapy is a RESULT of the injury. While your therapy would be confidential, you can give the counselor permission to submit an affadavit or testify about the overall nature (or even specifics) of the treatment (e.g. dealing with the repercussions and the effects the injury has had on your marriage and overall mental health). So talk to your lawyer and go see someone, ok?

 

[Bobmi357]

I agree it was a stupid thing to do in the first place, but the moment Tbon objected and she didn't stop, it became cheating. He was trying to make sure her needs were met, and if he had the impression their relationship was strong or she did it with a promise that it was just sex while he recovered, I don't think he's really to blame. If my husband ever felt the least bit uncomfortable with the agreement we've made, I'd flat out stop because I value him and the marriage. So there's definitely something else besides strictly sex going on here, Tbon.

I'm guessing if the other side of the lawsuit sees you have been getting mental health treatment, they can use it as evidence that you're unstable and maybe made false charges about the injury, or that you're trying to include charges for treatment for problems unrelated to the accident. However, you need to talk to your lawyer, because it seems your primary need for therapy is a RESULT of the injury. While your therapy would be confidential, you can give the counselor permission to submit an affadavit or testify about the overall nature (or even specifics) of the treatment (e.g. dealing with the repercussions and the effects the injury has had on your marriage and overall mental health). So talk to your lawyer and go see someone, ok?

Its hard for me to really put this into perspective. Its not something I would have done in the first place. I agree that once he made it clear that he didn't like what she was doing, and she refused to stop, the whole dynamics of the situation changed.

From a legal, and divorce aspect, her lawyer could argue that he gave her permission to do what she was doing. Courts take a very dim view of cheaters, but the fact that permission was given throws a whole new and bizarre spin on it. I feel he still has grounds for a divorce based on the always popular, but very vague, irreconcilable differences. Especially since she has refused to stop.

He still needs to talk to a therapist. Personally there is little worse in my opinion than one spouse kicking another when they are physically ill, and recovering. I've watched my wife care for me when I was recovering from surgery, I've watched her pick up the slack when I was suffering from repeated painful infections. And in every case she's done exactly what I would do for her. I think tbon's wife has put a heavy burden on the marriage, one which he obviously doesn't need right now. The added stress will slow his healing process. His agitation is enough at this point to throw out most of the healing he's already had.

I still think Tbon ought to tell her to stop immediately or face divorce. The courts will not look with favor on her actions at this point in time with him sick. If she stops, then perhaps they can work together to discover if there is a way to save the relationship. If she doesn't, well he's better off without her if you ask me.

I DEFINITELY DO NOT RECOMMEND THEY SWITCH TO AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP. To be honest, between the anti-depressives and the pain meds, he's in no shape for making that sort of life altering decision at this point. Perhaps its something they can discuss once he's fully recovered, but right now he's not playing with a totally full deck. AND THATS SOMETHING, HE AND WE ALL NEED TO RECOGNIZE.

 

[Bobmi357]

PS: People, go easy on this guy for a while, please. He has enough problems right now and doesn't need rejection.

Ready is right. I admit to being overly harsh on Tbon but I felt he needed to be reminded that the problem is one he helped create. My bullshit comment was aimed at the idea that he couldn't see a therapist. I still think someone gave him the wrong information on that regard. He can, and should find someone he can talk to, he needs that more than ever at this point.

 

[Guest]

yes you are right i did give her permission i have no problem with that. and yes people did tell me not to do it but we did it anyways.i realize i made a mistake i admit that. she says she dosnt want to stop because she liked it. she does not have feelings for him it was strickley sex. i know she love's me and our mariage is not in jeapordy. yes i do believe that my depression caused from my back issue has gotton me in this mess. it does take alot for me to admit my wrongness here. im not asking for any bashing just some adivce on how to make things right and not hurt anybody. i am calling a therapest today because i need to find out what this surgery did to me. thanks for your help next time i WILL listen.

I get the feeling that you saying that your marriage is not in jeopardy is little more than denial or you're friggin' blind. If she's the type of woman who is capable of getting emotional enough to get married then she's the type of woman who will develop, at the very least, a strong attachment for this other guy.

I know a number of swingers and the rules for these sorts of things is different for each of them depending on the personalities involved. There's always the chance that your wife is polyamorous and she's confortable with loving two or more people because it's in her nature to do so. But it's also likely that you two did not set proper boundaries from the get go and now you've lost all of the mutual control and respect that you once held in the relationship.

Either way, if she is going to flat out refuse to stop seeing this other guy then your marriage would only not be in jeopardy because it's already dead and needs to be buried.

Sorry, man. Those are the breaks.

 

[SweetErika]

All excellent points, Bob, and I especially agree it's stupid to make any big decisions at this point.

 

[tbon45]

yes it was a stupid idea on my part i admit that. we did alot of talking last night and she said that she is going to think of a way to get out of this without hurting the other guy's feelings. you are right im not mentally stable right now because i let this surgery get to me and take control. when she did that she did it for me because i asked her to also she wanted to try some thing different. but after she did it i realized it was bad timing because i couldnt enjoy the outcome of it to the full extent. honestly i believe she will quit as soon as i can leave her alone to get her thoughts collected. because i did play an emotional roller coaster over this. like i said before i admit my wrongness give me credit for that. i made the mistake i can live with that but right now i have to get rid of this damn depression. i did go and talk to my dad today and it helped alot because we dont see eye to eye. also im talking to another guy that had the same surgery i just had but he had it 15yrs ago so thats helping. believe me when i sat this i am thankful for all your inputs. i can give my email if any one wants to talk private with me. thanks agian.

 

[londonaberdeen]

Tbon.

Your wife is thinking of a way to get out of this without hurting this guys feelings?

What feelings? I thought it was just sex?

What about your feelings. She stops NOW.

Other than that I do wish you two get this sorted and you get the peace and support you need at this time.

 

[ReadyOne]

BTW, most states are "no fault" divorce now. The only legal stuff I've been reminded about by my lawyer is not to hide assets and not to move out of a home you jointly own until arrangements are made to avoid charges of abandonment of property.

 

[tbon45]

she has to work with the guy and we both have known him for 9yrs. he is a friend of our's he just dosnt know i know what happened. you guy's are giving me good advice and im trying to take it all in for some reason im feeling pretty good right now. i dont know why maybe because im talking to a whole bunch of people at once.

 

[SweetErika]

she has to work with the guy and we both have known him for 9yrs. he is a friend of our's he just dosnt know i know what happened. you guy's are giving me good advice and im trying to take it all in for some reason im feeling pretty good right now. i dont know why maybe because im talking to a whole bunch of people at once.

So your wife didn't tell him the situation and that you had given permission initially from the start? Why wouldn't she tell him that?

If he's actually a friend, he'll understand that this was supposed to be a temporary arrangement. If he knew you were objecting to it now, and he's a good guy, he'll break it off with her himself. I wonder if he is a friend though...what kind of friend would fuck a sick friend's wife on the assumption the husband didn't know about it?

 

[ReadyOne]

Someone who wants to help her get through a time of sexual frustration without causing problems with her husbund?

 

[Bobmi357]

BTW, most states are "no fault" divorce now. The only legal stuff I've been reminded about by my lawyer is not to hide assets and not to move out of a home you jointly own until arrangements are made to avoid charges of abandonment of property.

If I remember rightly from my own divorce, no fault comes into play only when neither side opts to contest the proceedings. If they decide to contest it, you're stuck with a full blown divorce trial.

Even though my divorce was done under the no fault clause, my lawyer warned me not to do anything that might look bad for me should things turn ugly and result in a trial case. I believe the advice is still valid today. Her actions provide him with options should it result in a divorce trial.

 

[Bobmi357]

she has to work with the guy and we both have known him for 9yrs. he is a friend of our's he just dosnt know i know what happened. you guy's are giving me good advice and im trying to take it all in for some reason im feeling pretty good right now. i dont know why maybe because im talking to a whole bunch of people at once.

Oh man this has disaster written all over it. If there is one steadfast rule of business you don't fuck subordinates!! This guy can make all sorts of trouble if he wants to now.

She should tell him it was a mistake and she's sorry it happened, then leave it at that. Her concern for his feelings, while admirable, should be limited to making sure he doesn't cause any trouble for her. Period, end of story.

 

[Bobmi357]

Someone who wants to help her get through a time of sexual frustration without causing problems with her husbund?

Sorry, but I don't buy this at all. You can't live without water, you can't live without air, you can't live without a lot of things, but you can live without sex. This wasn't going to be a permanent thing. This was going to be a few months at best. If you can't survive a few months by taking care of your own needs personally, then something is skewed in your priorities. Its not like she wasn't getting anything. Tbon posted only a days ago;

hi everybody just wanted to post an update. im getting better i can walk alittle more still cant have sex but im getting alot of practice with my tounge ya know what i mean.

So this isn't a case of her being completely cutoff. Frustration? Maybe, but enough to need to replace her husband? I don't think so.

 

[Lynxie]

It sounds like you should have set up some ground rules before sending your wife off to find a fuckbuddy...

1. Make sure he knows she has permission and that she's not cheating on her husband/his friend

2. No coworkers - can cause huge complications if your wife has to see him everyday

3. Ongoing communication is a must. As soon as one member of the couple feels the slightest bit of discomfort, the whole thing should be called off.

I still think you and your wife should seriously think about marriage counselling. Clearly your wife is unhappy with some aspects of your relationship, otherwise she wouldn't have taken you up on your offer for her to find another partner. Frankly, I'm not sure why you keep defending her actions when it clearly looks as though she's hiding feelings from you (at least based on your presentation of the situation). I just can't fathom why any loving wife not already in an open relationship would feel the need to sleep around while her husband's recovering from surgery.

 

[fgarvb1]

I would admire to know how, even after you get well all over, just how are you supposed to trust her again?

Clearly you are not #1 in her life, or #2 for that matter.

Sometimes, although it hurts, it is better to find out sooner than later.

 

[ReadyOne]

I'm becoming more and more convinced that many regular posters have totally run out of sympathy for anyone or anything.

Probably comes from wearing blinders and a judge's robe....or maybe it's just the inability to think from all side or walk in another's shoes.

 

[ReadyOne]

If I remember rightly from my own divorce, no fault comes into play only when neither side opts to contest the proceedings. If they decide to contest it, you're stuck with a full blown divorce trial.

Even though my divorce was done under the no fault clause, my lawyer warned me not to do anything that might look bad for me should things turn ugly and result in a trial case. I believe the advice is still valid today. Her actions provide him with options should it result in a divorce trial.

In Nebraska and California, (and I believe Indiana also) you cannot ask any questions in a divorce trial which show that one party breached any contract of marriage, implied or explicit.

In child custody morals can be an issue, but the fact that someone sleeping around is married is not relevant, i.e. no stigma is attached to the fact they are married.

Sleeping around is relevant only as to affecting other issues such as the amount of time that might be spend raising the child. The only question is who can provide the best care for the child. Who cheated on who is never admissable.