Serious Concern

[Setanta84]

My SO and I both work in industries that require travel and can feature weird housing arrangements, i.e. staying with a client or coworker instead of a hotel happens regularly when we travel.

We've basically been traveling in different directions for a year, the relationship has suffered, we've argued a lot, etc. We've both busy. Things haven't been going great.

In addition to the challenges of long distance and the high stress nature of our work, she mentioned that she's been uncomfortable with the amount of attention she's been getting from men in this particular city and that her host was doing things that seemed creepy. (Showing a weird amount of concern with her daily schedule, texting her a lot, doing things that seemed possessive, etc.)

A couple months into this, she called up complaining that a handful of men and one woman had called her up and been mean to her for "leading them on." One of the guys was a guy with whom I she had taken a trip I didn't know about and the blow up with him occurred when she revealed she wasn't single when he proposed sharing a hotel room while planning a second trip of which I wasn't aware--during a conversation at 2am.

When I pointed out that growing increasingly distant and irritable, making time for excursions for people other than your partner and not your partner, making plans with other men in particular, and having conversations with men about such plans were all kind of relationship red flags, she got angry with me and threats of breaking up followed.

After that happened and we patched things up, she started getting upset again. I couldn't figure out why--and then she told me the creepy host had cornered her, told her that she should be more grateful for all the things he was doing for her, and then grabbed her pussy through her gown.

Having worked in the field for many years--where, unfortunately, tales of assault aren't unheard of--trusting her, and being aware of the kind of lot women have to bear in America, I didn't question her, reassured her, and calmly led her through all the things we could do both through her employer, the industry, and law enforcement to make sure that, at the least, he wouldn't be in a position to do this to somebody else.

But she's doing things that again set off red flags for me.

First, she has a sort of vindictive streak. When somebody legitimately crosses her--even in a small way--she doesn't really let it go. She knows how to hold a grudge. However, with this:

1) She almost immediately wanted to retract the complaint.
2) She doesn't want to call the police.
3) She says she still likes him as a person and doesn't think he's a creep--he just did something creepy.
4) She wants to contact him, to talk about this. She doesn't think he realizes what he did. (He's very old.)
5) He's contacted her to offer her help with the project they were working on--and she's actually considering this.
6) She mentioned that he "took things too far."

I've--unfortunately for us all, due to the high rate of this kind of offense--dated other sexual assault survivors and get that rationalizing things/empathy with the abuser is a common coping mechanism.

It's just the way this reaction completely clashes with her personality and a few of its others features don't ring "right" or "true" for me.

I don't know if she's just going to the very extreme of some of the normal reactions to this kind of thing or if I actually should start questioning this.

Both possibilities worry me.

In the first case, if she's that rattled, she really has no business being in a high stress and all-consuming situation right now.

In the second, if this isn't true, the timing points to her being fucking nuts.

I don't know how to approach this.

 

[INeedLove]

First, I'm sorry that you have found yourself in this position of questioning and being unsure. It obviously isn't a comfortable situation and troubles you. Hugs.

The rule that I've taken on for myself is "trust your gut". If your instincts are screaming that something about the situation isn't right, then it likely isn't. Short of questioning her, there really isn't a way to confirm if she is lying.

If she won't go to the police, is she willing to seek counseling from an organization that specializes in sexual abuse or trauma? Maybe she is worried about losing her job or losing favor at her place of employment if she makes waves? If they rely on these sorts of living arrangements in order to stay in business, she might feel unstated pressure. (I think it's rather odd for a business to force employees to stay in strangers homes without some sort of checks/balances).

Could she be seeking your attention or trying to make you jealous to draw you closer? It would be highly manipulative to do so but people do these sorts of things.

Is this a relationship you want to salvage or are you ready to move on? Perhaps couples counseling would help?

I wish you the best as you ponder your relationship and SO.

 

[Setanta84]

First, I'm sorry that you have found yourself in this position of questioning and being unsure. It obviously isn't a comfortable situation and troubles you. Hugs.

Thanks.

If she won't go to the police, is she willing to seek counseling from an organization that specializes in sexual abuse or trauma?

She has a general distrust of therapists and doctors, which has caused problems when I've brought up couples counseling and other things--

Maybe she is worried about losing her job or losing favor at her place of employment if she makes waves?

This is a fear she's expressed. It's part of why I had to sort of encourage/pressure her to report this.

If they rely on these sorts of living arrangements in order to stay in business, she might feel unstated pressure

.

This part of it would make more sense if you knew what we did for a living. She hasn't really felt pressure per se--but she says it troubles her that they still collaborate with the offender and have more or less dealt with this by keeping her away from him and pretending nothing happened.

Could she be seeking your attention or trying to make you jealous to draw you closer? It would be highly manipulative to do so but people do these sorts of things.

The friends and family I've broached this issue with have raised this possibility--particularly when it came on the heels on a near break up where she accused me of having unwarranted suspicions etc.

The things that go on the side of this not being the case are:

1) She told her parents about this.
2) She forwarded the texts he sent to her before the incident, which do, in fact, seem creepy and obsessive.
3) It didn't come entirely out of the blue. She had mentioned worries about him earlier, consistently--at the time, I kind of brushed them off because she's kind of particular and frequently clashes with hosts of this sort. (The creepy old guy was her second host during this project due to this.)
4) Her behavior has changed a bit since this.

Things that make this seem like a possibility:

1) He comes across less like a dirty old man in the texts and more like a jealous lover--and is making the kinds of complaints about her I was at the time. If she has not actually done anything improper with him, this definitely makes him look fucking nuts--but it is kind of weird, too. (It makes me wonder why more alarm bells weren't set off if he was clearly addressing her in lover-like terms during a long text messaging argument.)

2) As mentioned, the things that really raises red flags her is she seems EXTREMELY forgiving of the guy and willing to rationalize what he did when that has NEVER been the way she's handled any other kind of conflict in the year I've known her--she's either stressed to the point of acting out of character or something is off.

3) Her desire to talk to the guy and willingness to work with him also seems kind of weird to me, given the nature of the incident.

4) I have some clout in our industries and have handled problems for her before when people have treated her in a way we felt was unfair--and she was not only fine with that but kind of liked it.

With him, she won't let me off the leash. Before I started wondering if this was legitimate, I just wanted to fuck this guy up in the worst way--and she stopped me from doing anything.

Is this a relationship you want to salvage or are you ready to move on?

We're both a little bit nuts in similar ways but I adore her. For that reason, I'm inclined to stay in for the long haul.

But at the same time, there is something about this and how it plugs into things that makes me uncomfortable in a way I can't really place.

 

[Setanta84]

Well, we finally broke things off and she never admitted to cheating or lying.

HOWEVER, her picture was on my business page on Facebook and I haven't been doing due diligence with it because of personal health issues. When I went to clear her pictures off it, I had an interesting message.

Before I get to the message, let's remember that she claimed to think casual sex was gross, judged me for indulging in it in the past, claimed it meant I was likely to cheat, and invited me over to start mending the relationship on Dec. 31, which I was unable to do due to health complications.

The message is dated January 4, 2015. 3 days after the holiday, when she went to a party and stayed the night at another guest's house and was livid I once again accused her of cheating. What did the message say?

It was from a musician in the area who received texts from her suggesting he should come over to her place and fuck. He declined because he noticed her pictures were still all over my page and didn't want to facilitate cheating.

So, confirmation she's a liar and a cheater. But it gets better.

For months, she's claimed she needed space to deal with the "trauma" mentioned earlier, even though she apparently had no need of space from a bunch of male "friends" living in the area. And, like an idiot, I believed her rationale that they weren't in love with her and it wasn't as emotionally intense and likely to trigger her.

When she told me she officially wanted to go on a break, she assured me she wouldn't date, I was the only person she would date when she was ready to date again, and she wanted us to remain monogamous--or, at least, she wanted ME to remain monogamous.

I was nearly insane with rage when confronted with the likelihood she was fucking around during the break, decided there was no reason to stay "monogamous" during an indefinite break, took a trip to San Francisco, and fucked a 19-year-old SFU student.

When the now permanently ex-fiance/girlfriend texted me photos of her having dinner and drinks with another "friend" from out of town, I told her about this. The date was January 18.

She called called me "scum" said that I was unattractive and unfuckable and that this girl was probably desperate and used me for sex. She also told me she had been "saving sex" exclusively for me but I "fucked it up." She then told me she was going to date somebody else. All this nearly three weeks AFTER she had basically called every male musician in the city looking for a quick fuck.

And she made good on that promise and is currently dating a grad student. Claims he's smarter than I am and that she's never been happier in her life.

There's just one little problem for that guy. When I wrote to the musician thanking him for being honest with me, he informed me that she had called him again since then, after she had started dating the new guy.

So, my current theory is that there was no sexual assault, she was just living with and cheating on me with an older man, kept it from me--she has a habit of over-elaborating when she lies and assured me that she wasn't interested in him due to his age, which should have been a red flag, really--and told me that he took advantage of her when things there started going south and she needed an explanation for it while keeping me on the line.

All of this makes me feel very gullible and angry. It's going to be a while before I get seriously involved with anyone again.