Sentences that Never Belong in a Story (Serious)

[TheRedChamber]

I've made some absolutely great progress today, and I've largely ironed out a lot of the problems with a story that beta-readers had serious issues with (they may well tell me that actually I haven't)

Still, I'm sitting here looking at one sentence of what I've written in particular:

"Why didn't you tell me all this earlier?" I ask.

And I can't help but feel that this is a sentence that never belongs in any work of fiction. The answer is always 'Because then the plot wouldn't have happened.' and the reader knows this is the bit where I justify the slight of hand I pulled 10k words ago. I'm bloody well not reworking the plot again, but I am going to be more subtle in how I do this bit.

 

[Djmac1031]

Miscommunication / Non-communication are some of the biggest tropes in fiction. Sometimes it works, but you're right, most times it's simply a weak excuse the writer uses to make shit happen that wouldn't have if only the characters involved would simply have talked about things openly.

 

[TheLobster]

And I can't help but feel that this is a sentence that never belongs in any work of fiction.

Congratulations, you have just destroyed the entire romance genre.

 

[Djmac1031]

Congratulations, you have just destroyed the entire romance genre.

a death long overdue.

 

[lovecraft68]

This is a line said all the time in real life. How many times has parents said it to their kids, husbands/wives said it to each other? Supervisors in work trying to get to the bottom of a problem.

This is natural human conversation people can relate to.

Sometimes one needs to stop looking at writing as something alien to real life and not over think.

I often look at something I feel unsure of and ask "Would someone say this for real?" most times the answer is yes.

Its not worth fussing over IMO

 

[TheLobster]

Sometimes one needs to stop looking at writing as something alien to real life and not over think.

No, this is a legitimate concern.

Real life has no need to shy away from tropes and cliches because we already now that it's real. Fiction, on the other hand, has to play into the readers' preconceived notions of what feels real to maintain suspension of disbelief.

If you don't do that well enough, then they might eventually decide that Reality is Unrealistic and ditch your story, because it no longer seems realistic to them.

 

[NotWise]

No, this is a legitimate concern.

Real life has no need to shy away from tropes and cliches because we already now that it's real. Fiction, on the other hand, has to play into the readers' preconceived notions of what feels real to maintain suspension of disbelief.

If you don't do that well enough, then they might eventually decide that Reality is Unrealistic and ditch your story, because it no longer seems realistic to them.

This seems bizarrely circular. I'm going to agree with LC.

 

[THBGato]

And I can't help but feel that this is a sentence that never belongs in any work of fiction. The answer is always 'Because then the plot wouldn't have happened.' and the reader knows this is the bit where I justify the slight of hand I pulled 10k words ago. I'm bloody well not reworking the plot again, but I am going to be more subtle in how I do this bit.

I've been reading quite a bit on W*ttp*d lately, which allows readers to comment on precise paragraphs. Whenever something like this comes up in a story there, I often find myself adding a snarky comment like: "Sorry, but the author said 'no'." or "Because that would have prevented you two from fighting and then reconciling and that's precisely what we're here to read."

 

[TheLobster]

This seems bizarrely circular.

It's not. Replace "unrealistic" with "improbable" if that makes it more clear, then think about the plethora of wildly improbable events that need no justification in real life but would feel completely unbelievable inside a story

Think, for example, how the world would look like today if someone didn't tilt his head in just the right way on one bright summer morning in Butler, PA.

Point is, we are forced to accept what happens in real life. Readers are not forced to accept what happens in your story. You have to make it compelling enough for them to do that. It has to be earned.

 

[AG31]

The answer is always 'Because then the plot wouldn't have happened.' and the reader knows this is the bit where I justify the slight of hand I pulled 10k words ago. I'm bloody well not reworking the plot again, but I am going to be more subtle in how I do this bit.

I'll look forward to watching this thread, but I can think of a dozen good plot reasons why this sentence has other reasons for being. Maybe it didn't in your story. So, yeah, take it out. But maybe the whole plot needs revising?

 

[SimonDoom]

I don't agree or even understand. I think the "rule" with whether a question or statement belongs in a story is to look at the context in which it is made in a conversation and to ask what purpose it serves. If a major point of the story is to lead up to an explanation by B of what has gone before to A then it makes perfect sense for A to ask this question, especially if the reader, like A, is perplexed as well.

Expository dialogue is perfectly OK if it makes sense in the context of the conversation between two people, and it doesn't come across as a forced way for the author to impart information to the reader.

 

[lovecraft68]

No, this is a legitimate concern.

Real life has no need to shy away from tropes and cliches because we already now that it's real. Fiction, on the other hand, has to play into the readers' preconceived notions of what feels real to maintain suspension of disbelief.

If you don't do that well enough, then they might eventually decide that Reality is Unrealistic and ditch your story, because it no longer seems realistic to them.

And it would be realistic for someone to use that line.

When we tell a story we need to engage the reader and we need our story, and in my mind, especially dialogue, to resonate with the reader. You want to write a line that the reader says in their mind "Yeah, seriously, I was thinking the same thing."

"Why didn't you tell me this earlier?"

I know, right? Why didn't they?

The reader is immersed-we hope-in the story, you think the reader is going to stop and say...

"Jeez, how lazy, I know that sentence is just the author's way of needing to explain things to me, the reader, and why?

Because they think I'm stupid.

People will write how they write, but what I take from this is the OP pumped out 10k words and is focusing on this line.

 

[AG31]

Real life has no need to shy away from tropes and cliches because we already now that it's real. Fiction, on the other hand, has to play into the readers' preconceived notions of what feels real to maintain suspension of disbelief.

Interesting observation. We could have a whole thread on "Stuff that happens in real life that doesn't work in fiction."

 

[Cagivagurl]

I agree with the sentiments expressed above.
Its is indeed a part of normal everyday conversations.
work, play, sports, relationships.
If you are trying to portray real lifelike conversations, expressing emotions and sentiments. Then there is a very real place for that statement...
If it's something that exists as a part of everyday life. Then there is a place for it.
IMO

Cagivagurl

 

[SimonDoom]

Here are some situations where I could imagine this being a plausible and perfectly OK line to have based on the following sentences that immediately follow the question:

"Because I was too embarrassed."

"Because I felt guilty."

"Because I worried that you would think less of me."

"Because I didn't know how you'd react."

"Because I thought you'd figure it out."

In each of these cases the dialogue can explain what has happened before, clue us in to the motive of the person being asked, and prompt the next course of action or stage of the relationship.

 

[NotWise]

I do agree that miscommunication or non-communication may be overused in fiction. The Romance genre is an easy target for the criticism, but it isn't limited to Romance.

I saw "Revenge of the Sith" last week. It was the first time for me, but about the twelfth time for the people with me. We talked on the street after the movie about the horrible dialog, and my son-in-law pointed out that if Count Dooku had just told Skywalker in the opening sequence, "He's the Sith Lord," then he might have saved himself, and the whole story could have stopped right there.

 

[alohadave]

Miscommunication / Non-communication are some of the biggest tropes in fiction. Sometimes it works, but you're right, most times it's simply a weak excuse the writer uses to make shit happen that wouldn't have if only the characters involved would simply have talked about things openly.

It's relatable though because people really don't talk to each other.

There are many situations IRL where problems can be averted by talking to each other.

The trick is making the miscommunication grounded in the story. Sitcom style shenanigans are not really how you want to handle it.

 

[StillStunned]

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I did!"

"No you didn't. When was it supposed to have been?"

"We were in the car on the way to the shops. By the roundabout."

"When you interrupted yourself to point out that cyclist coming from the wrong direction?"

"Well, I *meant* to tell you."

(Actual conversation, speakers undisclosed)

 

[Lifestyle66]

I've made some absolutely great progress today, and I've largely ironed out a lot of the problems with a story that beta-readers had serious issues with (they may well tell me that actually I haven't)

Still, I'm sitting here looking at one sentence of what I've written in particular:

"Why didn't you tell me all this earlier?" I ask.

And I can't help but feel that this is a sentence that never belongs in any work of fiction. The answer is always 'Because then the plot wouldn't have happened.' and the reader knows this is the bit where I justify the slight of hand I pulled 10k words ago. I'm bloody well not reworking the plot again, but I am going to be more subtle in how I do this bit.

I don't see a problem with that line.

Stories are not supposed to be a flashbulb illumination of all facts in an instant. They're a sequential description of what the characters are experiencing and learning as time goes on and the story progresses. So, there's nothing wrong with a one character saying that to another.

Your characters are supposed to grow. And in many cases people do hide things from each other, only revealing or admitting to them when pressed to do so. I don't see that as a literary trick or omission. It's a story of life as we know it.

 

[Voboy]

The trick is making the miscommunication grounded in the story. Sitcom style shenanigans are not really how you want to handle it.

I was chatting about this with a friend of mine and we concluded that most Seinfeld episodes are funny because they're about miscommunication. I think modern viewers won't "get" the humor because a whole lot of what makes Seinfeld hilarious is completely obsolete in a world where people have cellphones.

OP, I think you're overthinking. Just write. If people would say it in real life, there's nothing wrong with sticking it into a story. Naturalistic dialogue is never a problem.

 

[MrPixel]

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I did!"

"No you didn't. When was it supposed to have been?"

"We were in the car on the way to the shops. By the roundabout."

"When you interrupted yourself to point out that cyclist coming from the wrong direction?"

"Well, I *meant* to tell you."

(Actual conversation, speakers undisclosed)

EXACTLY!

"I thought I said it out loud!"

"You didn't!"

And people forget. Or don't hear if their mind was elsewhere. If something important was said in passing, it could have gone in one ear and out the other. Trust me, it happens all the time!

 

[RejectReality]

No such thing as any combination of words that doesn't belong in a story. In the right context, even gibberish can have a place in a story — never mind any proper sentence.

 

[NuclearFairy]

No such thing as any combination of words that doesn't belong in a story. In the right context, even gibberish can have a place in a story — never mind any proper sentence.

I was distracted away from the computer for just a minute by a knock at the door, and when I came back, "84y6597ajiohq," had replaced the presentation I was working on... I needed to find some way to keep that thrice damned cat out of my office.

You mean like that?

 

[OddLove]

Personally, I don't often use narrative sentences and especially almost Never use dialog sentences that specifically describe a characters psychology to explain their behaviors, and instead I just let their behaviors explain their psychology. Cause when I do explain the psychological reasonings for their flaws or strengths, it's like the character knows themself way to well, so well to the point that their problems caused by any faults in their psychology no longer makes much sense.

A good example is I have a character that is a very bratty and controlling dominant, and when she was asked why she's a dominant type, she originally answered with a thorough explanation, rooting back to her days of feeling lost and out of control, while also explaining her constant need to control things.

After reading it a couple times, I changed her answer too, "Cause I'm a brat and I don't like being told what to do." and it made her feel real again.

As far as specific lines, word for word. I have no idea. Even a cliche seems appropriate at times. So it's hard to think of anything.

 

[TadOverdon]

No, this is a legitimate concern.

Real life has no need to shy away from tropes and cliches because we already now that it's real. Fiction, on the other hand, has to play into the readers' preconceived notions of what feels real to maintain suspension of disbelief.

If you don't do that well enough, then they might eventually decide that Reality is Unrealistic and ditch your story, because it no longer seems realistic to them.

Someone once said - I'm sure - that the fact that "this really happened" is no excuse for putting it into a story.