Self-gratification and other OOC

[Quint]

Really, I don't know how accurate the subject is. Am I OOC? I've been changing so much recently--the past month, the past week--that I don't know what my personal character is, let alone if what I'm doing is in or out of that character.

I've dropped hints on several threads that I've been talking online to a good friend of mine who just so happens to be my dream Dom. I'll refer to him as T, which I hope doesn't make the Spectre by the same initial think that I'm still fantasizing about him. (Sorry Tom, the unrequited thing was just too much for me to take anymore. I have to move on. ) Anyway, we have met r/t before but solely as friends. Neither of us were even aware of our sexual compatibility, let alone ready to explore it.

Over my vacations to Mexico and to see my family, I've been regularly corresponding with him, and two things resulted from this. 1.) I realized how very important being a submissive is to me, how little I want to give it up, and how impossible it would be to return to Hunny's D/s, which is mostly play. I need reality. 2.) I fell in the early stages of love with T. There is a world of connection between us. Totally overlooked it before, because, as I said, neither of us were ready for this.

So am I ready for it now? Fuck no. I'm terrified at the thought of losing Hunny--but at the same time, I am ready to move on. I've been fighting making a decision because I couldn't see any course of action that didn't hurt everyone. It seems fairly lose-lose. Do I break my engagement to Hunny, live alone, and only see T when he can drive 8 hours to visit me? Or do I sit in a stagnant relationship, watching my youth trickle away, loving Hunny as my brother, my best friend, the Will to my Grace, but NOT as my lover? No, I wasn't fucking ready for this decision.

So I chickenshitted out and said to Hunny, "Given the choice between losing me totally and staying with me but giving me freedom to roam, which will involve sex, which would you choose?" He chooses the latter. This is where we are right now.

I am not very proud of myself recently. I see a great deal of callousness towards the man I expected to spend the rest of my life with, and I see my decision to play the field while keeping Hunny as a safety net very cheap and very immature. And I'm tired of being mature. I want to meet T and I want to do everything on the "Favorite Things" thread. To be fair to myself, there is definitely more than lust driving me to this. I want to see how far T and I can go. But I really lost a lot of faith in myself as a result of this.

I wanted to share this with you. Thank you for reading.

 

[Todd-'o'-Vision]

I've dropped hints on several threads that I've been talking online to a good friend of mine who just so happens to be my dream Dom. I'll refer to him as T, which I hope doesn't make the Spectre by the same initial think that I'm still fantasizing about him.

But we have barely talked, I feel so inadequate to be the Dom you wnat, hell I am a virgin still.


I bet I made an ass out of myself cause I bet T won't be Todd after I wnet and spilled the beans

 

[Quint]

Todd darling, I simply can't contain myself any longer! I must have you! You are the embodiment of all my long-pent-up desires and longings, the one man who I envision in all my dreams, the Virgin of all Virgins! Conquer me! Rule me! Restrain me under the terrible and awesome power of your virginal arms!

*adoring yet fearful gaze totally lost in trademark cheesy grin*

You're so cute. Thank you.

 

[James Blandings]

Quint, your dilemma is one many people face when they get involved in BDSM. I will be candid with you, and tell you that I have known a great many people in a similar situation and only in a very few rare cases was the couple able to maintain a relationship in the way you describe with Hunny.
I will not advise you what to do, that must be dictated by your own heart, but honesty compells me to tell you I am pessimistic that you and Hunny will be able to stay together under these circumstances.
I don't see the point in self recrimination. Your desires are not something you can shut off whenever they become inconvenient. Your actions on the other hand are under your control. I can only urge you to be honest with Hunny and with yourself, even when that honesty hurts.
In any regards, you have my best wishes, I hope it works out eventually to everyone's satisfaction.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Quint

I must second what JB says...only you can make this decision but I also have never seen survival be more than a tenuos holding on in the most temporary way when the heart and fantasies are held for someone else or even for another sexuallity.

Make do will not benefit you, Hunny or a play or love partner but will bring more pain in the long run for all concerned.

Entering into the BDSM world is frought with emotions some positive and some negative. The excitement and feeling of belonging can be as powerful an aphrodisiac as can the unfullfilled longing and patiently waiting be the coldest water on your dreams.

Keep your honesty above all else on this journey of awakening.

 

[cymbidia]

Quint, i second what JB and Shadowsdream say, too and add this...

I've read your post over and over and over. I've thought more about you and your situation in the last 12 hours or so then i've thought about my own kids.

I feel for you, darlin'.

You *know* intellectually - and now you're learning it in a visceral way - that sometimes change is not fun and exciting and amusing and wonderful. Sometimes it just plain sucks. Sometimes it hurts us and hurts the people we love. Sometimes we are scared and angry and hate that we're changing, hate the upheaval, hate the pain.

But we change as we age: inevitably.

We all change. Some of us change with our partners and remain with them throughout the bewildering world of changes as out lives swell with richness and ripen into fullness. Some of us grow away from our partners and into a terrible and wonderful awareness of needs that must be fulfilled - but which cannot be touched with our partner.

Such is life. Such is growth.

You aren't good or bad for growing, changing, and realizing the acute reality of your needs. You aren't good or bad. You're just real. Barbie dolls don't change, they don't need more/different/new stuff, they don't stumble over the crushing dilemma of hurting the one they love or becoming slowly dead themselves, by inches, by not giving voice to the needs that rage inside their minds.

You never would have chosen this hard path. It simply came to you.

You can't ignore it, either. In that direction lies the slow erosion of you, of the essence of what makes you unique and real and valuable. In that direction lies emotional and sexual numbness. I know that all too well. I spent 21 years with a man who could never meet my needs. I was trying to pretend all would be okay, that i could live a half-life, that i could be satisfied forever without the fullness of this kind of loving.

But i couldn't. I faded out a little, year after year, each year finding me a bit sadder, a bit less willing to believe my own fiction, a bit more prone to settling into the grayness of depression. It's no way to live, Quint, that hiding of your essential needs and personal identity from yourself. It leads to quiet despair - of the lasting kind.

Or it did in me.
You may be different.
Perhaps you can balance the need for this in your life with the requirements of a largely nilla partner. I wish you well, if that's the road you choose.

As i said, i tried to do that for 21 years. 21 years, Quint. Half my life. I'm free of that need to lie about my needs and desires and wants and sexuality now, though, and i'll never go back. The reality of living honestly with regard to my essential self is intoxicating and sweet beyond belief.

For me.
Just for me.

You're on the other side of this question.
You have to walk your own road.

So I chickenshitted out and said to Hunny, "Given the choice between losing me totally and staying with me but giving me freedom to roam, which will involve sex, which would you choose?" He chooses the latter. This is where we are right now.

Yes. It's a gray world. Whatever you do, it involves hurting someone, and you feel like shit around that fact all the time.

I know, Quint.
I'm sorry.
This is a tough one.

I'll just say this: look into your heart and be totally selfish. determine what **YOU** want and need, totally divorced from anything anyone else wants of you or from you. Then make it happen.

In the long run, it's often far crueler to allow a relationship which is untenable to drag out then it is to cut it off cleanly and swiftly. It's like a cat playing with a mouse; the mouse is dead - we all know that - but the cat tortures it slowly, slowly, before actually killing it.

In the long run, too, there are people we've put out of our lives that we remember with more then a touch of regret. "What if i had made another decision" questions about such people flare into our thoughts in the dark quiet time before we slip off to sleep, too, haunting us with choices we might not make if we could do it all over again.

Yes, i know this was no real help.
I'm sorry, Quint, for the horrible crossroads at which you find yourself.

 

[Quint]

Thank you, all of you.

JB and Shadowsdream, I know that your words are weighted by the years of experience and applied-knowledge that I hope someday to obtain. I've never known anyone in this type of position before, and what teeny fraction of reason I used to decide on my half-and-half course of action was based on "well, Merelan has a husband and a Domme....it worked for her! It should be able to work for me!" Very different situations, I realize.

Cym, the same as above and more. I'm terrified. I'm trying very hard to be selfish and do what is best for me--the trouble is, I don't KNOW what's best! Bloody "growing up." o) Your words did help, though, because they specifically named this whirlwind of emotions and needs and potential actions that is coursing through me. Once they're named, I can sit down and look at them logically, which is what I need to do now. Thank you.

The situation is compounded by the fact that T told me today that he doesn't WANT me to have a safety net. Of course he's right. 100% is only fair. However, it does put a little more pressure on me to make the damned decision. Again, thank you, all of you, for sharing your knowledge and advice. I will remember them, and I will keep you all posted on any news.

 

[Desdemona]

Quint, I was standing where you are now this time last year. I can add nothing new to what the others have said. It is a rough and scary path. Sometimes it twists in ways you never expected. Some of those twists are wonderful; others hurt (and not in a good way). I wish you the best as you make your decision.

 

[morninggirl5]

Cym, the same as above and more. I'm terrified. I'm trying very hard to be selfish and do what is best for me--the trouble is, I don't KNOW what's best! Bloody "growing up." o) Your words did help, though, because they specifically named this whirlwind of emotions and needs and potential actions that is coursing through me. Once they're named, I can sit down and look at them logically, which is what I need to do now. Thank you.

The situation is compounded by the fact that T told me today that he doesn't WANT me to have a safety net. Of course he's right. 100% is only fair. However, it does put a little more pressure on me to make the damned decision. Again, thank you, all of you, for sharing your knowledge and advice. I will remember them, and I will keep you all posted on any news.

If you've got that safety net, there's really no need to make a decision, is there? There's no risk involved, no worry that you'll be completely alone. There's also no chance that you can have a total connection with someone, holding nothing in reserve.

I can only echo what others have said, think only of yourself as you make this decision. You, above all others, will be the one to deal with the rewards and consequences of whatever decision you make.

Good luck, Quint.

 

[DRxBlue]

My Dear Quint...

i think you have made significant progress on this problem already. You've faced the fact that it is happening. You've even dealt with the subject honestly with Hunny.

Putting this out to share with the people at the forum here must have been a tough thing to do. Now that you have, you can take advantage of the vast mental resources you have available here, the rich treasury of experience, and the emotional support that we all love to provide when anyone has a problem of this scope.

i kinda hope that Hunny would try and find his way here too. There's so much he could gain from the people who've gone through exactly this kind of change. People who have played all the parts in the scene.

i can believe you see your self-image in a bad light right now, but when you look back later, i think you'll see that you've shown strength, honesty and surprising wisdom so far.

i'm awfully proud of you. Someday you will be too, i'll wager. A rough road, to be sure, but it's the only road that leads to where you know you want to go.

i wish you peace and strength,
Blue

 

[tassie]

Hi sweetie.

you're very young to be engaged (sorry, but it's my job to be a patronising cow!)

It hurts.

But you CAN do what's right, but you need to be strong honey, I feel for you. Do you still want sex with hunny? can you have a Dom relationship with someone else and stay with hunny? But do you want to?

I hope it sorts itself, PM is open,

love tassie x

 

[Quint]

As of this morning, Hunny and I are officially Just Friends.

Neither of us have the financial means to get separate apartments so we'll continue to live together for at least awhile. I know that this will make it harder for him to adjust to the change in some respects, but also I'm not leaving him totally Quintless, which he counts as a mercy. We are adjusting.

Thank you to everyone who, through post or PM, shared your experience and compassion with me. I feel strong. There will always be that "what if?" on the horizon of my mind, but I feel confident that I'm making the right decision. I'm thinking primarily of my needs and my plans right now, and choosing my actions to fit those. Thank you for reminding me of what ultimately matters most.

T and I will be meeting sometime within the next month, and the resulting thread from THAT will be much happier than this one, I promise!

 

[Unity]

Hello all, I am the ever sought after T. Quint lead me to this site/forum and I decided it was time I showed my face after reading everyone's replies to this topic.

I'm sure you will see more of me in the coming days. Quint and I obviously have alot of things that we're talking about and I have things to bring up as well. Perhaps I'll create another forum someday soon.

I thank you all for your help in this ordeal. You've touched another not even knowing it.

T.

 

[MissTaken]

Hi T!

Welcome aboard.

I really like your moniker. It is so fitting in this situation.

Quint has grown to be a very special person to many of us on the board and I know I speak for many in wishing you well.

Her growth even after having made her choice could cause some confusion and difficult days. It has been said that a submissive's journey is full of lows as deep as the sea and highs as great as the moon. It is true.

When she finds peace, there is none greater.

If we can do anything, T or Quint, please, feel free to post or pm us.

hugs ot you both!