self-esteem

[OrgasmicleBunny]

I'd like some advice on improving my own self-esteem. I really believe it's affecting my relationship.

I'd like to think I'm a fairly intelligent person, so I'm going to go about this, logically.

I'm currently reading Dr.Phil's book "self-matters" I'm also considering therapy.

Any advice would be appreciated

thanks

 

[M's girl]

Where do you lack self esteem? Generally, in your profession, in bed, in relationships? Do you logically know it's bullshit but keep feeling insecure? I think you need to tell us some more. Also, there have been topics/threads about this before. You should check those out too I think. Check the Blank Manual....

 

[tanyachrs]

I think efforts to bump up self-esteem without some corresponding improvement in your actual self are likely to fail, unless you really do think you're underestimating yourself all the time. Try improving something - your diet, exercise, quit a bad habit, read more, think more about others than yourself. If you make a change for the good in yourself, your self-esteem will increase automatically, plus you'll have made a change for the good. Hard work really is its own reward.

On the other hand, if you're a super person already and there are issues in your past that keep you from recognizing that, you might benefit from some counseling to work those issues out.

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

Where do you lack self esteem? Generally, in your profession, in bed, in relationships? Do you logically know it's bullshit but keep feeling insecure? I think you need to tell us some more. Also, there have been topics/threads about this before. You should check those out too I think. Check the Blank Manual....

Mostly, just general insecurity with myself and my sexuality and my body and attractiveness. I feel pretty strong about my personality and other attributes.

I feel like my insecurity is making me act and do things I wouldn't normally do, like feel jealous about my boyfriend talking to others online, and things like that. It's also making me feel like I'm becoming co-dependent.

I'd like to learn more about co-dependency as well.

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

I think efforts to bump up self-esteem without some corresponding improvement in your actual self are likely to fail, unless you really do think you're underestimating yourself all the time. Try improving something - your diet, exercise, quit a bad habit, read more, think more about others than yourself. If you make a change for the good in yourself, your self-esteem will increase automatically, plus you'll have made a change for the good. Hard work really is its own reward.

On the other hand, if you're a super person already and there are issues in your past that keep you from recognizing that, you might benefit from some counseling to work those issues out.

that's a good point and I am working on some things, as well. So I think that will help, but I do have issues from my past I need to work on. I'm considering councelling

 

[mjl2010]

The first question you should be answering is "Why do you have low self esteem?" Why does it bother you when the BF chats online? How do you think you look. Are you plain, average, pretty, beautiful, hot? What do you think? What do others think? Why do you disagree with them?

If your BF thinks you're hot and you think you're plain, maybe it's as simple as believing what poistive things others say about you. Why would some guy walking down the street take a second look if you were just plain.

I'm just using "looks" as an example. But I think you need to dig into the root of the problem and ask those why questions.

edited to add: If he's chatting with women and having online affairs (cybersex) , maybe you have a good reason to be jealous...

MJL

 

[peacepunk]

I had a point in my life where I was going through some minor depression and a lot of stress and a book that really helped me out was, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie. It talks a lot about how to deal with stress and other negative factors and how to turn them into a positive self esteem.

 

[Noor]

okay, this is the way I look at online, other women, ect... If whatever your boyfriend is doing is taking away from your relationship with him then you are wise to be concerned. If he is making his priority someone other than you, then start auditioning replacements.

That being said, your self worth should not be dependent on other people. Its how you feel about yourself. You don't need to compare or defend yourself. Your sexuality is also yours.

My advice for feeling stronger in it is lots of practice and exploration. If the online chatting BF doesn't want to help with that I am sure there are lots of men here who would be more than willing.

 

[elizabeth22673]

hey...i dont have answers but have been trying to deal with this issue all my life. i hope you find what you're looking for

 

[SweetErika]

If you're considering therapy, or even if you want to get a head start and/or know what to look into, do some research on Cognitive Behavior(al) Processing and Therapy. CBT helps you find your negative thoughts and feelings, then replace them with positive, logical thoughts (which create good feelings), as opposed to your current cycle of 'feeling bad>thinking negative>feeling worse>thinking worse' and reasoning from feelings ('I feel insecure so I'm not attractive' or 'I feel unattractive so I'm insecure').

Working through CBT with a good therapist changed (and really saved) my life, and once I learned the techniques, I was able to apply them to everything, so it's really an invaluable tool that I'll use forever. A key part of it for me was writing stuff down and using worksheets - apparently writing (by hand) uses a part of our brains that reinforces the message.

Writing and reading affirmations ("I AM beautiful/secure/highly intelligent/loveable/capable/etc.") frequently is also very helpful for me. I write lists and post them in places I see all day, like the fridge, on mirrors and bedroom walls, then read and think about the statements whenever I see the lists.

Anyway, that's an overview, but it should get you started, and I think Self Matters likely uses the same basic principles, so this stuff should be a good companion to that.

And M's girl is right - there have been a couple of good threads on this, so I'd encourage you to use the instructions in the FAQs Before Posting sticky to search for 'esteem' in How To and the Cafe as well.

 

[Onanymous]

.....

 

[missgizmo]

Can i offer you a very small piece of advice. Take one step at a time and dont expect everything to fall into place straight away.

I would smile at people when out and about, it is amazing when you do that just how many people smile back, some dont of course. And dont look like a loonie doing it either Seriously it really does give me a lift and makes me feel a little better in myself which impacts on all areas of my life. Try it and see xx

 

[wickedlady31]

the self thing

From being barked at in grade school and getting called an ugly dog, I of all people, understand issues with self image. A blossoming teen, I assumed I was ugly. I was painfully shy and couldn't face good looking guys despite my crushes on them. When boys did show interest, I thought they were being cruel and mocking me. I married at 18...first boyfriend and figured the only I would ever have. After my second child was born....a new ME was born. I was a goddess....I was hot...being hit on ALL of the time...and I knew men desired me. I was so confident and witty, it changed my entire personality. Not always a good thing....I became arrogant. I flirted, cheated...and ended my marriage. I met my current husband...whom thought I was something special. I had another baby...and my goddess image....died. I gained weight....I felt ugly again...I got older....
Now...I am almost 32...I do not feel like a goddess....I have very ugly days where I don't want to go outside...don't want people looking at me...and then I have good days where I feel lovely...pretty...sensual....I am told I am all of these things..but is it bullshit? Who knows....who cares? Point is...it is all in your mind...mind set. counciling may help...it did not do me any good....you have to believe you want help to get help..for it to work anyway....there is no magic pill to take to make you feel awesome....and your jealousy...may not be unwarrented....watch the signs....follow the raw instincts....and goddammit.....just love YOU! If you cant love you...how can anyone else?

 

[braincum]

First, fuck Dr. Phil...

...and all other self-satisfied, self-involved morons who claim to have some insights you haven't already gained.

Next, look around you. This world is populated with a never-ending variety of people who just don't get it. Trust your instincts, respect yourself and wear your differences proudly.

You have every right to be proud; of your body, of your intellect and of your desire to improve yourself.

Think positive thoughts. Sounds simplistic, but it works. You're the only you under the sun. What an honor!

 

[M's girl]

Think positive thoughts....

... and start by saying fuck Dr. Phil? Haha, I don't get that one.

 

[Bono13]

The best piece of advice I can give you (personally tested with great results) is this:
Focus on the solution. Or, to put it in another way: Focus on the outcome.

If you keep asking yourself "Why is my self-esteem low?" and keep worrying about it, you might end up just going in circles around your problem.

You've identified what you want to change, so now concentrate on solutions.
Think about and write down what you want to be like. What confident, self-loving things will you do? What confident, self-loving thoughts will you have?
Get a clear idea of this and focus on getting there. Once you know where you're headed, it's much easier to take steps in that direction.

And: learn to feel good for no reason at all (to quote Richard Bandler).

Have fun with this!

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

thanks everyone for all the good advice, I appreciate it.

 

[kandie]

If you're considering therapy, or even if you want to get a head start and/or know what to look into, do some research on Cognitive Behavior(al) Processing and Therapy. CBT helps you find your negative thoughts and feelings, then replace them with positive, logical thoughts (which create good feelings), as opposed to your current cycle of 'feeling bad>thinking negative>feeling worse>thinking worse' and reasoning from feelings ('I feel insecure so I'm not attractive' or 'I feel unattractive so I'm insecure').

Working through CBT with a good therapist changed (and really saved) my life.

I agree with SweetErika. I have been using CBT for about a year now, with the help of a therapist. It has really made a big difference in my life. It has helped me deal with Fibromyalgia pain--that can be off the rictor scale and hard to treat. As well as helping me deal the stress and low self esteem that I had due to spousal and family abuse. CBT REALLY WORKS! AS a retired RN I know it does. Hang in there, get counciling if you feel your need it, and make sure you communicate all this to your bf/hubby. AS when he understand thing, he too will help you........if he loves you.

 

[south_florida_bicur]

I think most of us experience some sort of self esteem issues but its how we handle it that makes us different.

We all have something physical or mental that we do not like about ourself. If it something that you can change and it really bothers you then change it but what if it is something you cannot change? Then what do you do?

My experience is to focus on the positive instead of the negative. Everyday I do something good which makes me smile and brings me out of whatever funk I am in.

For ex: I carried someone's grocery bags to their car because they needed an extra hand. I offered my help without them ever asking. That 1 thank you lasted all day long. I was still smiling an hour later and I completely forgot about whatever was bothering me.

Also, what we all need is a good friend to listen to us vent. If you do not have that good friend then I will be your pen pal if you need one and NO this is not a pickup line at all.

Last comment: Every morning when you wake up look in the mirror, smile, and say HI to yourself. trust me it works!

 

[espeteroh]

I'd like some advice on improving my own self-esteem. I really believe it's affecting my relationship.

I'd like to think I'm a fairly intelligent person, so I'm going to go about this, logically.

I'm currently reading Dr.Phil's book "self-matters" I'm also considering therapy.

Any advice would be appreciated

thanks

start by liking yourself, loving yourself is even better.
do something for work that you find exciting.
help someone with something at least once a week.
tell your parents, partner, kids if you have them, that you love them without expecting to hear it back.
make an amends to someone you've wrong from your past, the heavier it weighs on you the more important it get done soon.

do these every day, except fo the last one, for a month and get back to me
good results are guaranteed.

 

[naamplao]

....and goddammit.....just love YOU! If you cant love you...how can anyone else?

This is sooooooooo on the money. Think about it. If you hate yourself...what are you offering to others? You will always be suspicious of others for liking you since ....who would want something you dislike?

When you can look in the mirror and like the person smiling back, you will notice a complete attitude change of others before you....follow WD31's advice.

 

[jerseyman1963]

I think many of us can relate to this. It's amazing to me how many people look totally confident on the outside, and when you get to know someone intimately and learn about their own fears and esteem issues, you realize how many of us are really just bluffing their way through every day and are really scared shitless on the inside.

I wrestled with self esteem issues myself a long time, as a teen and young adult. I still do, but not to the degree I once did. I did therapy for that and some other issues, and it helped, but it was not a magic bullet. It helped, but I still had to do a lot of mental work on my own every day to change my own approach to life.

What I realized was that a lot of it is about your own attitude. Shit will happen no matter what you think. That's just the way life goes. Bad things are going to happen from time to time. But if you walk through life expecting bad shit 24/7, then that's what you're going to get. But if you try to approach things positively, well then the bad shit won't be sooo bad, and you'll have many more good experiences.

What works for one person is not going to work for every person. However, here are a couple of things that really helped me. One was the realization that I wanted to feel good, and happy, on a regular basis, and I started realizing how many people around me, inlcuding some close friends and family, did not want that for either me or themselves, and were hell bent on dragging me down too. So I cut them off and now make a practice of keeping my distance as much as possible from such people. Hang with people who want to be miserable, and it rubs off on you. Hang with people who look on the bright side and are positive in nature, and it rubs off on you too, and one is definitely better than the other.

Another was not to try to tackle everything at once, but rather to take life and each issue one small step at a time. You can't take it all on at once, because it's too overwhelming. Someone here already mentioned carrying someone's bags and the "thank you" they got carrying them through the day... great example. Feel good about one small thing, and remember how that one small action made you feel good, and carry that to the next small action. Before you know it you're linking one small thing to another and you've got a bigger good feeling snowballing.

Good luck Bunny. You can't change your entire life over night, but just by asking the question and wanting to do something positive, you're already taking the hardest steps.

 

[pink]

Being aware of your issues is half the battle, figuring out how to improve your issues is the other half. You've come a long way already, by realizing you need help. CBT is a great help, DBT might also be helpful to you in understanding your emotions. You can do a search on both those to help you.

 

[RonClarkeson]

Its Him not You

I'd like some advice on improving my own self-esteem. I really believe it's affecting my relationship.

I'd like to think I'm a fairly intelligent person, so I'm going to go about this, logically.

I'm currently reading Dr.Phil's book "self-matters" I'm also considering therapy.

Any advice would be appreciated

thanks

He is not being honest with you and seeking something that is missing in the relationship for him.

If you have asked and he has not given you a satisfactory response then what ever you do you wont be able to change him!

Once a cheat always a cheat!

Accept his behaviour or reject it!

 

[Frank Noir]

... and start by saying fuck Dr. Phil? Haha, I don't get that one.

No?

In my not so humble opinion, "being positive" is not equal to "setting yourself up as an easy prey for day time tv snake oil peddlers".

I think Dr. Phil's advice can be okay for life's little grievances. But for people with real, serious problems I'm sure it can be downright harmful.

Like Steven Wright said: "I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out."