Selective S&M?

[Quint]

When the S/M thread surfaced I had an interesting discussion with T over sadism and what degree he considers himself. Of course that made me reflect on myself and how masochistic I am, and so knowledge was gained by all.

The important realization that we both had is that we are selective in our sadomasochisms. He said that genuinely enjoys hurting me, but he wouldn't enjoy hurting Person X, even Cute Girl X. There has to be that connection as well as the knowledge that I have the masochism to take and enjoy his sadism. I'll leave his side at that because he could explain it better than I.

I'm the same way. I bash my knee into the wall quite frequently because I never really learned how to grow gracefully into my 5'11". When I do, I curse and dance around and I'm not in the least bit turned on. When Hunny and I were together and he'd accidentally elbow me or pull my hair unintentionally or anything like that, I wouldn't get aroused by it. So for me, there also has to be sadistic desire behind the pain. That's the mental connection I need to have.

I also see an element of control necessary. Going back to my previous examples, accidental pain does not do a thing for me. I daresay that if I surprise T, he turns and trips me and we fall on the floor, I wouldn't be aroused. However, when he tackles me as I'm trying to make for the door and we fall on the floor, I certainly am! So it's the intention to hurt as well as the desire to.

What do you guys think about this?

 

[mskittykatt]

When the S/M thread surfaced I had an interesting discussion with T over sadism and what degree he considers himself. Of course that made me reflect on myself and how masochistic I am, and so knowledge was gained by all.

The important realization that we both had is that we are selective in our sadomasochisms. He said that genuinely enjoys hurting me, but he wouldn't enjoy hurting Person X, even Cute Girl X. There has to be that connection as well as the knowledge that I have the masochism to take and enjoy his sadism. I'll leave his side at that because he could explain it better than I.

I'm the same way. I bash my knee into the wall quite frequently because I never really learned how to grow gracefully into my 5'11". When I do, I curse and dance around and I'm not in the least bit turned on. When Hunny and I were together and he'd accidentally elbow me or pull my hair unintentionally or anything like that, I wouldn't get aroused by it. So for me, there also has to be sadistic desire behind the pain. That's the mental connection I need to have.

I also see an element of control necessary. Going back to my previous examples, accidental pain does not do a thing for me. I daresay that if I surprise T, he turns and trips me and we fall on the floor, I wouldn't be aroused. However, when he tackles me as I'm trying to make for the door and we fall on the floor, I certainly am! So it's the intention to hurt as well as the desire to.

What do you guys think about this?

i think it's definately a combination of desire, intention and delivery! my honey didn't think he could enjoy doing anything to cause me pain untill he saw my body's reaction when he tried it for my pleasure. we've been growing in intensity and variety since then, and the balance is good.

 

[Cirrus]

I think your views are pretty common. Non-erotic pain is just that...not erotic. I had oral surgery about a year ago, and let me tell you when the pain meds wore off, I was a lot of things, but turned on was NOT one of them.

I think it's all about context. When I'm in a sexual situation, I know the pain that I receive is controlled, and my mind and body are primed to translate it into pleasure and sensation. Smucking my elbow still hurts like blazes.

I see myself as a sexual masochist, not a full on, enjoying any kind of pain masochist.

 

[Vulpesvulpes]

"good" pain vs. "bad" pain

is a subject that comes up a lot.

I have two theories about the universe.

1.) Everything is a continuum.
2.) Everything is contextual.

What is pain to one person might be pleasure to another. (continuum theory)
If I told my wife to suck my dick during a fight, I would be in deep shit. If I used those exact same words while I was licking her, she would love it. (context theory)

(Okay, so tone of voice might have something to do with the second example but lets not split hairs.)

I get off on the reaction of my partner. If her eyes roll back in her head and she is reduced to an incoherant, quivering, orgasmic mass, I will want to make that happen again, even if it means applying more pressure/pain than I would normally be comfortable with.

On the other hand, if she had that wild-eyed panic look and begged me not to hurt her, I would be really turned off.

 

[MsWorthy]

. . .
I'm the same way. I bash my knee into the wall quite frequently because I never really learned how to grow gracefully into my 5'11". When I do, I curse and dance around and I'm not in the least bit turned on. When Hunny and I were together and he'd accidentally elbow me or pull my hair unintentionally or anything like that, I wouldn't get aroused by it. So for me, there also has to be sadistic desire behind the pain. That's the mental connection I need to have.

I also see an element of control necessary. Going back to my previous examples, accidental pain does not do a thing for me. I daresay that if I surprise T, he turns and trips me and we fall on the floor, I wouldn't be aroused. However, when he tackles me as I'm trying to make for the door and we fall on the floor, I certainly am! So it's the intention to hurt as well as the desire to.

What do you guys think about this?

I don't think anyone enjoys accidental pain or pain delivered during a non-erotic moment (during a time when neither means for it to be pleasurable).

I do see your point, Quint, but I don't think you need qualify your masochism by calling it selective. I think any pain that is enjoyed, requires that one or the other mean for it to be pleasure, on some level (even if that pleasure is only experienced by the sub/maso as pleasure at pleasing her partner). Even one who self-describes as a "pain-slut", will find no pleasure with a sadistic rapist, because his motive would be one of producing pain and fear, not pleasure (on any level).

~does that make sense?~

 

[Quint]

Yes indeed, MsWorthy, it does make sense.

However, I think it's a hypothetical scenario to imagine being with a genuine sadist who does not give a fuck about what I'm feeling in the least. I have enough trouble understanding T, who will hurt me because he likes it but only because I like it too. I can't even comprehend of the higher level and how I would react to it.

I think I'm just going to take this idea and run with it on the weekend...I'll have the thrill of knowing how much he's enjoying the pain he causes me...but how far will that thrill take/push me? I kind of want to find out where the pleasure from pleasing him by allowing him to hurt me begins, and where the pleasure from being hurt begins.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: Re: Selective S&M?

I do see your point, Quint, but I don't think you need qualify your masochism by calling it selective. I think any pain that is enjoyed, requires that one or the other mean for it to be pleasure, on some level (even if that pleasure is only experienced by the sub/maso as pleasure at pleasing her partner). Even one who self-describes as a "pain-slut", will find no pleasure with a sadistic rapist, because his motive would be one of producing pain and fear, not pleasure (on any level).

~does that make sense?~

~~~~~~~~~Absolutely and well stated.
Rose