Seeking opinions on a "raw deal"

[Corruptible]

I guess I am asking for unbiased opinions on what I considered to be a "raw deal". My friends and family all side with me, but then of course they do, I can hardly call their opinions unbiased. And I know my family does not understand the issue and very few of my friends do, as it is BDSM in nature.

Now, as to the backstory of the raw deal. My ex-girlfriend and I had been together for five months (my second longest relationship) and doing well, or so I thought. It was for the most part a long distance relationship, but we did take a wonderful vacation together over the summer. After the vacation, we would talk less and less as she was forced to work more and more, any time not spent working she was horribly stressed. I helped as best I could from several states away, by listening. Yet we began to talk less and play even less than that, but I naively hoped her situation would right itself.

But even that is not the entire backstory. Our relationship was both vanilla and BDSM in nature, though we focused on the vanilla to begin with. She is a sub whereas I am a switch, but she has far more experience than I do. Most of what I know in regard to BDSM is thanks to her. But as she became stressed from work, she realized suddenly that she needed something more, a Dom more experienced than me. We had always said we would learn together, but this changed suddenly, to me at least, as she became interested in learning aspects of BDSM (knifeplay and needle play in particular) that I could not teach her, as she had always been my teacher.

And here comes the raw deal. One seemingly ordinary weekend, she brought it up to me that I was not experienced enough for her, that she wanted a more experienced Dom. To this end, she proposed finding a Dom near her while keeping me as her boyfriend. I had made it clear enough from the beginning; I was interested in an exclusive relationship only. Open relationships have never been my forte.

Now, onto my reasoning about this request of hers. I tried for days to think of a way to make it work, but it doesn't. I cannot help but think that it would have driven us apart for her to submit to a guy locally whereas I was stuck states away. And I believe the resentment would always be there, as this was something she wanted, never something we both wanted. I want to respect this need of hers, for an experienced Dom to submit to, but I cannot help but resent her for it all the same, as I never misled her about my own experience and always thought we would learn together, as a couple.

As to why I want opinions on this now, it has been about a month and a half since we broke up, as there was no way for us to continue, no way for me to allow her request without resenting her for it. I have spoken to her only once since the break up, but I find myself wanting to talk to her more now, as we were friends first, but I still resent her to some degree over why we broke up.

Sheesh, I'm pouring out my heart here.

 

[Yang4yin]

I had made it clear enough from the beginning; I was interested in an exclusive relationship only. Open relationships have never been my forte.

Now, onto my reasoning about this request of hers. I tried for days to think of a way to make it work, but it doesn't. I cannot help but think that it would have driven us apart for her to submit to a guy locally whereas I was stuck states away. And I believe the resentment would always be there, as this was something she wanted, never something we both wanted. I want to respect this need of hers, for an experienced Dom to submit to, but I cannot help but resent her for it all the same, as I never misled her about my own experience and always thought we would learn together, as a couple.

You stated your position in the very beginning, she knew about your level of experience and how you felt about the kind of relationship you wanted with her. Not knowing any more than what you've stated here, I'd agree that you got a raw deal. However, since she wanted more than what you were providing, it's probably better that the two of you parted ways sooner rather than later.

If you want to have another BDSM relationship, you can seek out local groups and attend demos to expand your working knowledge. You might even meet someone and hit it off.

I don't know where you're located in SC, but there is a very knowledgeable, very helpful member here at Lit who is located in the Columbia area who can most likely help you find a group. Look for Evil_Geoff - he's a guy to turn to for assistance.

Oh, and here's a Calendar of Events you might find helpful:
http://the-meeting-guide.info/

 

[BiBunny]

Do what you have to do to make yourself feel better. That's all I can tell you. You're the only one who really knows what'll make you feel better, and you're the one who'll have to live with whatever decisions you make. Do what you have to for yourself and to hell with what anyone else thinks. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Quint]

.............

 

[Corruptible]

You stated your position in the very beginning, she knew about your level of experience and how you felt about the kind of relationship you wanted with her. Not knowing any more than what you've stated here, I'd agree that you got a raw deal. However, since she wanted more than what you were providing, it's probably better that the two of you parted ways sooner rather than later.

If you want to have another BDSM relationship, you can seek out local groups and attend demos to expand your working knowledge. You might even meet someone and hit it off.

I don't know where you're located in SC, but there is a very knowledgeable, very helpful member here at Lit who is located in the Columbia area who can most likely help you find a group. Look for Evil_Geoff - he's a guy to turn to for assistance.

Oh, and here's a Calendar of Events you might find helpful:
http://the-meeting-guide.info/

Another relationship is not in the cards for me, not just yet. I feel like I need to take care of me before I add someone else into the mix. But I do want to learn more, and to this end I plan on moving in with a couple of close friends of mine, a Dom and sub, husband and wife. It's ironic that I found a more experienced Dom before my ex did, without even looking, since I'd never known my friends were into BDSM until I mentioned the breakup to them.

If I am ever up near Columbia (a few hours drive for me), I'll be sure to talk to Geoff beforehand about events I could visit. Thank you for recommending him.

Do what you have to do to make yourself feel better. That's all I can tell you. You're the only one who really knows what'll make you feel better, and you're the one who'll have to live with whatever decisions you make. Do what you have to for yourself and to hell with what anyone else thinks. I wish you the best of luck.

Thank you. I've been trying to do what's best for me. It does involve more moping around than I'd like, but I've always reacted that way to a breakup. The one thing keeping me afloat is the love and support of my friends.

I've been the girl in your scenario. I couldn't ever be in a relationship with someone who needs me to be monogamous with them and when I realized that we were not growing at the same pace, I had to leave. Yes, it was a raw deal and I knew it when I put it to him. But if two people's needs for and of each other are incompatible, it's always better to find out before any permanent relationship decision is made. It's hard and cold but true.

My recommendation (taken with a grain of salt) is NOT to remain friends, at least for a serious amount of time, until you can get over the past and realize that the future (with both of you in it) is not going to happen. I stayed close friends with the partner in question, but he took a self-imposed break from us because he saw that he was just trying to keep pretending that we could still work it out. Going cold turkey and moving on with his life enabled us to reconnect on a purely friendship basis, but it was tough and didn't happen instantly.

Find someone who matches you drive for drive and need for need. Best advice.

I suspect you may be right, that it would be unwise to remain friends, at least at first. For the most part, she's the one reaching out to me, whereas I've avoided her as best I could. The little bit we did talk, I was cold and resentful toward her, a way I don't like being. I don't think I should call her then; it would serve no pupose other than to rehash the past. She was my best friend, so it saddens me to lose her, even temporarily.

And she knew when she put it to me that it would be the end of us, though she didn't want to believe it at first. But in hindsight, it was better to know of this need sooner rather than later. I cannot begin to imagine the pain if I'd learned this much later down the road, or if she'd even gone so far as to try to satisfy this need behind my back. I just wish it wouldn't have come out of the blue for me. The signs were there that we were struggling, but nothing could have told me that she needed more than I had to offer.

Thank you all for your opinions and advice, I really do appreciate it.