Seeking feedback on story

[obo]

My first story, The Tale of Mrs, Theresa Scalia has been posted at http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=81386
Any feedback is greatly appreciated either here or by email.
Thank You
obo

 

[obo]

Many thanks to those who have resonded to my feedback request. If you care to respond, it is very helpful to me if you can give me your opinions on the characters. Were they believable? Was the description adequate to form a good mental image of the scene? Which character is more sympathetic? Would you like this story line to continue?

obo

 

[dr_mabeuse]

One question you didn't ask was whether we found the story erotic. For myself, the answer is no, but this may very well be a matter of personal taste. I don't think it would be giving the story away to say that it involves the public humiliation of a very attractive but bitchy wife when she is inadverndently stripped at a drama guild play There follows a cat fight and then the husbands step in and spank both combatants, again in public.

I know there are fans of cat-fights and public humiliation, and I have nothing against it, it just doesn't really do it for me, so I can't really judge how well you've pulled it off. It does look like you really enjoyed writing that scene, and you give us ample time to see every detail of their disrobing and what it reveals, which is good. To have two women accidentally and methodically stripped of their clothes takes a good deal of imagination and planning, and you supply that, but the scene is beyond being believable. That's okay, however, as the entire story has a light, farcical tone.

Since it is a farce, the question of character believability isn't really important. If you want to know whether the story itself is believable the answer is no, of course not. It doesn't have to be, so I wouldn't even worry about that. Likewise the dialog is not something you would hear in that kind of situation, but that's irrelevent too.

The story is very stiff in parts, and I'm not quite sure why. Your writing style seems to flow nicely for a while, then pull up short with some awkward cliches or repetitions--her measurements, that "To say she was attractive would be an understatement", those parts where the narrator becomes a little intrusive. I don't think we can ask for more concrete detail in a story like this, because it is intentionally painted in broad strokes. Your prose is a little formal though.

---dr.M.

The beginning of the story goes on for too long in my opinion, and I think you take a bit too much time in setting things up. It seems to outweigh the erotic payoff at the end

 

[obo]

Dr. Mabeuse:
Thank you for your comments and suggestions. I agree with you completely in regards to "believability". A poor choice of words on my part. What I am interested in is if the writing is sufficient for the reader to "get into" the story and acquire the complete mental picture.
As far as use of measurements, I've learned in my short time on this site that they are not a literary tool to be used. I like details and measurements are an easy means to include details. A story without a complete description of the main characters leaves me flat. I'll need to flex my writing abilities in the future to avoid those shortcuts.
I think the long narrative prior to the "payoff" was needed to set the tone and raise the tension level. Perhaps if this type of story were more your cup of tea, the buildup would not have seemed so long.
Eroticism, like beauty, is in the eyes of the beholder. My subject matter is what I find stimulating. I didn't ask if readers found the story erotic because I know some simply would not. The question is whether the story was not erotic due to the subject matter or due to the quality of the writing. As you stated, this type of story is not your thing, so it's a difficult call for you. Perhaps someone with an interest in the genre will offer their opinion.
Again, your feedback is much appreciated,
obo

 

[honeysucklerose]

I thought you did a good job with the character building. The story was amusing though I didn't find it at all erotic myself. Still I didn't mind the read and I did get into the story though I wouldn't believe it.

I agree with the doctor....skip the measurments next time.

 

[hiddenself]

Well, leaving aside the sexual scene, the story was still awkward and completely unrealisitc.

The setup had multiple believability problems:

Dominic had purchased the major banking institution in town...
You mean bank? Noone just buys a bank these days. Presidents and CEOs are all high-level managers (and stockholders) but hardly "owners." And anyway, 30-year olds owning banks is doubly weird. And them living in an "upper middle class" community makes it a triple whamy.

That's all in the opening paragraph and do not predispose me favorably towards the rest.

As for the measurements and such, I suppose some people (like yourself) like to see them. I usually find them awful.

... measurements 36 – 24 – 37.
Is this a Playboy article?

Barbara was an athletic 35 – 24 – 35. In warm weather she was given to halters and shorts. Her chest wasn’t huge, but she kept in good shape and her breasts could be described as perky. Her bottom was firm, not flat with some shape.
This is much better -- personalized detail in the description. Do the measurements add anything? Not for me.

The writing was pretty good. You use words and expressions correctly for the most part, with only a couple of errors or inscrutable constructions, like:

Soon be opening strains of 2001: A Space Odyssey was being played.
(huh?)

“You’re Mom’s boobies..."
(should be "your")

But you have trouble with punctuation. You need to use commas:

“Mark that Terri Scalia is impossibe to be around. Everything in that theater has to have her personal stamp of approval” Barbara complained. “There are times I could just choke her.”

should be

“Mark, that Terri Scalia is impossible to be around. Everything in that theater has to have her personal stamp of approval,” Barbara complained. “There are times I could just choke her.”

and

“If being around her bothers you that much why don’t you just quit? It can be worth all the stress she causes you.” Mark offered.

should be

“If being around her bothers you that much, why don’t you just quit? It can be worth all the stress she causes you,” Mark offered.

Lots of instances like these, particularly ommission of commas or misuse of periods in dialogue breaks.

The sexual part did absolutely nothing for me. I found it flat and a little ridiculous. You tried to inject a slapstick comedy element but I found that stuff far from funny.

I was pretty much indifferent to the characters. The whole setup (rich men, rich lazy wives, etc) was unappealing to me. I didn't find sufficient background to justify the men's reactions, although the background for the women was pretty solid.

Finally, consider yourself lucky that the story got posted in the first place. I would have thought that the presence of kids during the theater theatrics (so to speak) would have disqualified it as per Lit's capricious "underage" policy.

hs

 

[TrinaT]

Originally from CT myself, I find this story quite unbelievable (Fairfield, Westport, Southport, Darien, Greenwich, etc). I've know several people who live in the "priviledged" towns and have seen them work together for charity functions.

I will admit there are a choice few that get pretty snobish but nothing like this. I realize that this is a fictional story but readers are suppose to believe and get into the story. I found this difficult to do and the manner in which the story flowd, the plot almost predictable.

And as far as the threat to Bill, I find it very difficult to believe a wife could have that much influence over her husband to stop someone from getting the financing he applied for. Many of the "bankers" that I've known in CT are there not because of their wives influence but because of their own ambitions, knowledge, and experience.

I agree with the others and find this lacking in the erotic category, but we all improve with time. All the best with your future stories.

Trina T.