Seeking feedback for Loving Wife story

[theedge]

I've recently posted my first two stories to Literotica and have gotten around a dozen feedback letters. To be honest, I got a little excited hearing from people who have similar thoughts as mine and my wife's. I'd sure appreciate it if you'd read the following and let me know what you think. Thanks in advance.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=80320
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=80328

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I read the first story.

The main thrill here is that the husband gets off on thinking about other guys screwing his wife, so he plays a game where they go to bars and he basically encourages her to try and come on to other guys while he watches. This turns him on tremendously.

This is not your everyday turn-on and doesn't work for everybody; probably not for most people. It doesn't do much for me because I really don't understand what the thrill is. I'm always curious about what people see in behaviors or fetishes that personally don't do anything for me. Sometimes just having a fan explain the excitement in his own words can open my eyes to what he finds arousing, and that's missing here.

The first paragraph is full of cliches, but that's no big deal, and it's always tedious hearing a husband talk about how sexy his wife is, but that's almost unavoidable in this genre.

The only other thing I would say is try to avoid any sort of "modern" dancing in any sort of story. I have never in my life seen anyone who could describe a scene on a dance floor that didn't seem awkward and make the characters appear goofy. If they're slow dancing, okay. But dancing to anything fast: forget it.

---dr.M.

 

[sirhugs]

unlike the good doctor, I understand your interest, therefore your story.

It is not awful, therefore a decent first try. You fall into the " tell" rather than " show " trap, which lowers the pleasure.

The middle section, where you use dialogue well, shows promise.

I thought both the sex scene with the stranger and later with hubby needed more detail and development. You could also have developed the tension by prolonging the bar scene . The paragraph back at the table, for instance, deserves more than 5 lines. excitement builds as the reader, through your eyes, sees the strager lean close to her, her hair brushing his shirt......

I hope someone takes the time to give you some deatailed pointers on specific sentences. I found some of your choices of language odd, and too many connectives.

I wil read your other story later. Keep practicing.

 

[gauchecritic]

I read the second story and it aroused me from the beginning. The build up, he coaxing her into something she wanted anyway was well paced and well done.

I didn't come across any errors except describing her legs as tan, I kept thinking you meant tanned then realised that tan is a colour, can't say I've ever seen anyone coloured tan. It's like using taupe or camel.

You didn't give any inkling at all about the feelings of the guest, just that he was there and succumbed quite easily, he didn't have any character at all, so much so, it could easily have been the husband describing just his own fantasy.

There were quite a few hints about gay sex in there (as I read it) which I felt could easily have been followed up and used to great advantage. (thinking about it specifically now, the idea of the man masturbating the guys cock whilst it was in his wife).

The ending seemed very rushed and glossed over and could have been lengethened considerably (the gay sex thing again).

Otherwise I thought it was a really well done story and which if I were to critique it would take a very, very long time and end up just nit-picking anyway.

Well done, keep writing.

Gauche