Seeking Advice (Esp from Domme Females)

[naxalite0906]

Hello everyone, I'm a little new to this but I thought this board might be the best place to ask for some advice as people seem to be very open, helpful and friendly in this place..

I have recently been thinking about my fantasies, turn ons and desires and i have realised that a major turn on for me is when my partner takes control during sex. I also love it when someone teases me and keeps me hard for hours (as long as I do come eventually) but the control issue isnt the case every time during sex as sometimes I would like nothing more than to throw my partner around the bedroom.

From reading this would you say that I have sub tendancies, as it is something that turns me on a lot. Nothing that extreme or being a slave, just the idea of being teased and in someone else's control. Maybe these sub tendancies do go deeper, but I am not sure about this yet. I would love to experiment with this more but my SO is not very controlling and has a very low sex drive. It seems I always initiate sex but there is nothing I would like more than to explore these fantasies further..

I hope this makes sense and any advice or pm's would be appreciated, especially any domme females out there who would be willing to offer some more extensive advice and maybe help me explore some of these fantasies through roleplay or chat etc..

Thanks

 

[AAkasha]

Hello everyone, I'm a little new to this but I thought this board might be the best place to ask for some advice as people seem to be very open, helpful and friendly in this place..

I have recently been thinking about my fantasies, turn ons and desires and i have realised that a major turn on for me is when my partner takes control during sex. I also love it when someone teases me and keeps me hard for hours (as long as I do come eventually) but the control issue isnt the case every time during sex as sometimes I would like nothing more than to throw my partner around the bedroom.

From reading this would you say that I have sub tendancies, as it is something that turns me on a lot. Nothing that extreme or being a slave, just the idea of being teased and in someone else's control. Maybe these sub tendancies do go deeper, but I am not sure about this yet. I would love to experiment with this more but my SO is not very controlling and has a very low sex drive. It seems I always initiate sex but there is nothing I would like more than to explore these fantasies further..

I hope this makes sense and any advice or pm's would be appreciated, especially any domme females out there who would be willing to offer some more extensive advice and maybe help me explore some of these fantasies through roleplay or chat etc..

Thanks

You might simply just be into a bit of femdom, and not into the whole nine yards. That's fine of course -- there's no rulebook that says you need to subscribe to all the various femdom activities at once.

You might be into a little "teasing and denial" games, or simply like the idea of your partner taking erotic control, loving her control, and seducing/taking advantage of you.

If she has a low sex drive that might be an issue; but, I would also point out that many women enjoy the "rush" associated with control and can identify it as a completely different feeling from sexual arousal. It's satisfying in its own way. Or, it might be a game that leads to getting her more interested in sex in general -- it's playful, unpredictable, empowering.

My web site has an intro to women explaining a bit about femdom, but it's written in a down to earth way, not full of stereotypes and things that might turn off women out of the gate. You can take a look at that:

http://www.akashaweb.com/goodgirl.html

The rest of my site has a variety of femdom material, you can take a look and see if any of it pushes buttons for you.

Good luck!

Akasha

 

[naxalite0906]

Thank you akasha.. I think my main problem is actually being able to experiment and take advantage of these feelings and fantasies.. Deep down I think i want a mistress who can help me explore these feelings more.

The main problem I have though is that my SO is very vanilla when it comes to sex, as well as having a low sex drive. I have a strange feeling that she will not be comfortable with any of this, no matter how small the role. I don't even know how to approach the matter, I've dropped hints many times but still she doesnt get the idea.

 

[AAkasha]

Thank you akasha.. I think my main problem is actually being able to experiment and take advantage of these feelings and fantasies.. Deep down I think i want a mistress who can help me explore these feelings more.

The main problem I have though is that my SO is very vanilla when it comes to sex, as well as having a low sex drive. I have a strange feeling that she will not be comfortable with any of this, no matter how small the role. I don't even know how to approach the matter, I've dropped hints many times but still she doesnt get the idea.

It's a tricky situation if you don't want to attempt it with your SO. Of course you know her better than anyone, and I don't know the context of all this (how long you've been together, your ages, how serious it is). You could certainly experiment and look around on the net (would she consider that cheating? That's something to consider), but cyber is nothing like reality.

It sounds like what you crave is more intimate and sexual, so seeing a pro femdom isn't an option either.

You'll need to decide if it is something worth pursuing or something you can let remain a fantasy. Give it careful thought, though.


Akasha

 

[naxalite0906]

Well she doesn't know about my life on lit (which would involve me posting on here, and sometimes cybering). It has been over 3 yrs now since we got together. Initially I didn't crave much when it came to sex (she was my first), all I was concerned about was cumming etc. But now I have all these desires coming forward and I would love nothing more than for her to help me with these, but as I said, every time we do have sex I am in control of everything. I initiate it, choose position etc. And if she does initiate it, which is rare, it still isnt much different other than her asking me upstairs rather than it being the other way round. I love her with all my heart, but I'm wondering if this is a justified reason for things to end. It would kill me, but perhaps it would make sense.

 

[naxalite0906]

I have had some positive responses so far.. just bumping the thread a little to see who else is watching..

 

[AAkasha]

I have had some positive responses so far.. just bumping the thread a little to see who else is watching..

If you have been together three years...and you said she never takes control in bed and doesn't hear the hints you are giving - it's time to sit down and maybe have an honest conversation about it. If you are going to continue as a couple for years to come, you have to be able to talk frankly and openly about sexual intimacy.

Or, deep down, are you not thinking of her as a femdom (not only because you can't imagine her doing it, maybe you don't want to find out), and are thinking primarily of submitting to another woman?

Which of these thoughts do you have primarily:

1. I wish my significant other would try this. I can imagine how wonderful it would be having her dominate me and enjoy it.
2. Since my significant other would never try it, I can imagine how wonderful it would be to submit to someone else if I could.

That's an important question to answer for yourself.

If you decide to bring this up with your significant other, I'd recommend you don't present it as anything more heavy than "erotic power exchange" -- don't talk about S&m, fetishes, dominatrixes, pain, bondage -- those words are triggers for people who don't understand that often lead to images in their head that are intimidating, "weird" or "sick."

Akasha

 

[naxalite0906]

Thank you aakasha for taking the time to respond to this thread.. I think the 1st thought is the one I have primarily..

And as for not scaring her, I think at the moment I'm just intrested in letting my submissive side get out. No pain, bondage, s and m is really required as they are things that I've not really thought about. I just want to be controlled and teased my her, see her take charge and control things would turn me on so much.

We had a frank discussion about it the other day, and she isn't very comfortable with taking charge. Whether it is lack of imagination, confidence or she just isn't interested, it seems she may never do anything to satisfy these desires.

Does anyone else have anything to say on this subject?

 

[chris9]

We had a frank discussion about it the other day, and she isn't very comfortable with taking charge. Whether it is lack of imagination, confidence or she just isn't interested, it seems she may never do anything to satisfy these desires.

Good that you started talking with her! Now find out what her reason is instead of *assuming*. Tell her one or two fantasies you have, so she doesn't have to think of something herself and knows what you feel comfortable trying. Give her lots of feedback if she does something.
I haven't looked at the thread before, because I am not a Domme. But now that I did look into it, I feel I can understand you.
I was in pretty much exactly the same position, though with a gender switch and without dealing with a low sex-drive of my bf. I did drop hints for a looooong time (talking in 2 or 3 years here). After being with him for 5 years I finally told him outright what I thought he knew... Turns out he didn't really take my hints so very seriously, or at least didn't know how far I wanted to take it. I guess he sort of learned the pleasure of dominating me to some extent, though I'm not positive on that one, we, too, have some more talking to do.
See, if you can make it work with her. Find out why she isn't into it so much, find out her fantasies and make them come true.
Good luck and have fun!

 

[ghosst_K&H]

Other than your submissive fantasies, how is your romantic relationship?

I know you said she has a low sex drive, but what about you? Are you satisfied with your sex life, and just want her to take control once in a while? Or are you wanting someone to take control in the bedroom all the time?

If you're unhappy with her low sex drive, and need more bedroom time, I'd suggest you sit down with her and let it all out. Three years is a long time, and usually leads up to a deeper commitment, like marriage. If your unhappy now, your looking to become another divorce statistic.

 

[tumbledown]

While I agree that communication is key, I think taking it slow is equally important. You don't want to spook her with words that she might have negative assumptions about. You don't want to lay a fantasy at her feet and cause her to feel the pressure of fulfilling it. You may know that you have sub tendencies and what that means, but it doesn't mean you need to explain it all to her right away. You might just try a more active approach. One night when things are heating up, compliment her on something she does (or did once, or whatever) that rang your bell and tell her you'd love it if she did that again please. If she responds positively, ask her for something more, a tiny tiny bit more. Not a big request, just think of it as exploring to see if she responds to your gentle pleas. Never ask her to do something that isn't similar to something you've done before. That means stepping things up slowly and not asking for more than she can deal with. It's hard to be patient but I think you will get further in the long run.

Never ignore the day after, what went well the night before. Mention it to her, somehow. Don't need to have a big discussion unless it seems natural to both of you... just little comments meant to keep it on her mind and let her know how incredible she made you feel.

It's not just guys that don't always get those hints. My hub told me several years ago, I remember a couple of times at least, that he wanted me in charge in the bedroom. I didn't really hear that, I brushed it off because there was this precedence of very sweet, polite behavior already set in our relationship and it felt very scary to contemplate going beyond that. Even though I'd been waaaay more adventurous before I met him! In fact we once had a conversation about how we'd both like to be more sexually open and adventurous together. It went like this:

I'd love to get more raunchy with you.
Well so would I!
Ok but you first.
What?
Yeah, I can't do it unless you are.
No way, I'm not getting raunchy til YOU get raunchy.

Needless to say that conversation didn't effect any changes. It took one person to break thru the shyness and inhibitions and just do something. Just do some little thing... and show a lot of appreciation... send romantic sexy emails... play little games...

take the physical contact out of the bedroom - I was just talking to a girlfriend about how the simple difference of being in a room other than the bedroom ratchets up the heat all by itself for some reason. And that's useful because a partner flushed with arousal will be much more open to a little suggestion than one reading the paper at the breakfast table.


best of luck to you, have fun with it!

 

[AAkasha]

Thank you aakasha for taking the time to respond to this thread.. I think the 1st thought is the one I have primarily..

And as for not scaring her, I think at the moment I'm just intrested in letting my submissive side get out. No pain, bondage, s and m is really required as they are things that I've not really thought about. I just want to be controlled and teased my her, see her take charge and control things would turn me on so much.

We had a frank discussion about it the other day, and she isn't very comfortable with taking charge. Whether it is lack of imagination, confidence or she just isn't interested, it seems she may never do anything to satisfy these desires.

Does anyone else have anything to say on this subject?

Did you read the link I gave you earlier in this thread to "the good girls guide to domination" on my site? It addresses the exact issue you talk about, and I've had a lot of positive response from women who read it. It's written for women who aren't necessarily "disgusted" at the idea of bdsm, but they don't "get" it or don't know what to do or where to start.

http://www.akashaweb.com/goodgirl.html

Please take a look at it. I think even the most "vanilla" woman would be able to understand it and get a better idea of where you might be coming from.

Akasha

 

[Miss Pants]

What she said.

Definitely read it!

It is good stuff, very helpful, and well-written.

 

[naxalite0906]

I have read it akasha.. thank you. The problem I have right now is finding the best way to communicate it all with her.. We have spoken quite frankly about my feelings, and I now have a better understaning after reading the website. But its not something I can show her, and I think, like usual, she just feels like im only joking and not being serious. I've tried many suggestions, but things never work out or change.

 

[Ms_Toy]

But its not something I can show her, and I think, like usual, she just feels like im only joking and not being serious. I've tried many suggestions, but things never work out or change.

Why can't you show her? You might be surprised. If you can't communicate your desires to her and show her that there are others that feel the same way, what do you have to build on? She may surprise you also and find something that interests her on here or on the other site. You just might need to show her in "black and white" that the things your feeling, others feel too.

 

[naxalite0906]

Why can't you show her? You might be surprised. If you can't communicate your desires to her and show her that there are others that feel the same way, what do you have to build on? She may surprise you also and find something that interests her on here or on the other site. You just might need to show her in "black and white" that the things your feeling, others feel too.

I have spent weeks pondering this and today I told her exactly what I want and how I feel.. I was as understanding and reasonable as possible but it still ended up upsetting her and now she feels useless and that she isn't enough for me.. I was afraid of this and I should of just kept quiet about it because now it seems to be all my fault..

 

[FurryFury]

Did you read the link I gave you earlier in this thread to "the good girls guide to domination" on my site? It addresses the exact issue you talk about, and I've had a lot of positive response from women who read it. It's written for women who aren't necessarily "disgusted" at the idea of bdsm, but they don't "get" it or don't know what to do or where to start.

http://www.akashaweb.com/goodgirl.html

Please take a look at it. I think even the most "vanilla" woman would be able to understand it and get a better idea of where you might be coming from.

Akasha

I LOVE your guide Akasha!

It certainly helped me when I first read it. I recommend it often to others! Thanks for writing and sharing it!

*grins*

I'm a fan!

About this thread, I don't know what to say. It seems harder to me to get a female heated up than a male. I know I could do it but men seem easier, and less complicated to me.

Fury

 

[chris9]

I have spent weeks pondering this and today I told her exactly what I want and how I feel.. I was as understanding and reasonable as possible but it still ended up upsetting her and now she feels useless and that she isn't enough for me.. I was afraid of this and I should of just kept quiet about it because now it seems to be all my fault..

I'm sorry it didn't go off well for you. *hugs* I hope by being very sweet and not upsetting her any more and making her feel she is the one you love you will be able to reconcile her to the idea. Good luck!

 

[Jay Davis]

I'm sorry to hear that your conversation ended badly. To let you know where I'm coming from, I'm a submissive man, 40 years old. I was married when I was 23 to a woman who was 21; neither of us knew much of anything about BDSM, outside of the handful of paragraphs on bondage and such in The Joys of Sex. We cared about each other very much, but the relationship didn't work out, and we divorced after only 3.5 years.

Now, as I say, we didn't know much about D/s, and certainly didn't think we were living any kind of BDSM lifestyle. But looking back, knowing what I know now, I can see that we were BOTH submissive types. In fact, we kind of got dominated into the marriage by our two families... While we had good vanilla sex, with the occasional mild kink for variety, we were ultimately incompatible outside the bedroom, and the marriage ended.

My point is, you may be discovering a basic and fatal incompatibility between the two of you. No matter how much you care for one another, if you are not complementary, the relationship just isn't going to work out in the long run. Better for all involved to figure that out BEFORE there is a marriage, a home, and kids to squabble over.

On the other hand, I'm not convinced that you are really submissive, in a lifestyle sense. This sentence makes me wonder:

...as sometimes I would like nothing more than to throw my partner around the bedroom.

I think it's possible that you'd just like your partner to take a bit more initiative in the bedroom, to show that she desires you, and you've become interested in female Domination because that is an extreme expression of that need. It's quite likely that if your lady became a 50-50 partner in the bedroom, you'd be satisfied--you may not really need hardcore D/s. It sounds like she's very passive in the bedroom, and that makes you feel like your desires are an imposition on her, and that she isn't attracted to you.

You might want to have a very frank discussion with her about her enjoyment of sex. I learned after a few months of marriage that my wife had been essentially faking it--because of inhibitions from a rigid Catholic upbringing, she simply couldn't relax enough to cum. Once this was out in the open between us, we spent a lot of time--some of it pretty difficult, emotionally--on teaching her to let go, enjoy herself, and actually have orgasms. Our main tools in this effort were, again, The Joys of Sex, a Hitachi Magic Wand, and lot of patience. I'll never forget that first time she had a real, earth-shaking orgasm--she drenched both of us and the bed, and broke down and cried from relief for about half an hour.

Basically, I think you both have to look long and hard not only at what you need, but also what she needs. "Low sex drive" in women quite often is code for "doesn't orgasm." That's not intended as an indictment of you or her--many women grow up feeling guilty, inhibited, or so shy about their bodies and sexuality that they never learn how to have an orgasm.

If you think this relationship has permanent potential, I'd advise you to stop worrying so much--for now at least--about what you need, and concentrate on what she needs. Once she is comfortable enough to really enjoy sex, she may become open to many more things than she is currently. Putting her needs ahead of your own is part of what the gift of submission is all about, so this may just be a test of your degree of submissiveness, too.

 

[Ms_Toy]

I have spent weeks pondering this and today I told her exactly what I want and how I feel.. I was as understanding and reasonable as possible but it still ended up upsetting her and now she feels useless and that she isn't enough for me.. I was afraid of this and I should of just kept quiet about it because now it seems to be all my fault..

I'm sorry to hear that things didn't go well. It's not all your fault!

I've found that keeping our desires and needs bottled up, tends to make them more of an obsession and lead to further frustrations and disappointment.

The only thing I can say at this point is talk to her more. Make her understand that she isn't useless, she is enough for you. You could also try reversing things and asking some of the things she desires that she has never voiced before. She may say there isn't anything but she very well could surprise you.

Listen to what she says. Talk about them. See if both of you can't come to some middle ground.

p.s. Sorry I haven't responded before now. I was away for several days, um well, playing, yeah that's it! Playing.

 

[MysCynthia]

I don't get it?!?!? You can't get what you don't ask for. Talk to each other.
Instead of just dropping hints and/or throwing away a relationship as you've suggested why don't you tell her what you want? Be honest. If she cares about you she will want to make you happy. Maybe her low sex drive is partly because of boring sex. Make it interesting.

 

[Jay Davis]

I'm sticking with my theory that her low sex drive may be more complicated than just boring sex. I think you need to consider the strong possibility that she has prejudices inside herself about what "nice girls" can do and still be nice girls. Depending on her background, she may have some pretty heavy inhibitions that she learned from her parents, her religion, her schools, or other conservative authority figures.

Be sure she really believes she's allowed to enjoy sex at all, and that she actually does enjoy it, before you spring the fancy stuff on her. You can't make a sexual Dominatrix out of a woman who simply doesn't enjoy sex, no matter how much she wants to please you. To even try is "topping from the bottom," forcing her to serve YOUR needs, rather than you serving hers.

Honest to goodness, back off the kinky stuff, and talk about how she feels about basic, vanilla sex first. Does she enjoy it? Does she orgasm when you make love? Can she come through masturbation? If she comes alone, but not during intercourse, what can you do to change that? Chances are, working together, the two of you can teach her to enjoy sex far more than she does. But you've got to learn to walk before you try to tango or waltz.

 

[AAkasha]

I have spent weeks pondering this and today I told her exactly what I want and how I feel.. I was as understanding and reasonable as possible but it still ended up upsetting her and now she feels useless and that she isn't enough for me.. I was afraid of this and I should of just kept quiet about it because now it seems to be all my fault..

The key to your post is "now she feels useless and that she isn't enough for me."

This is what I had hoped my Good Girls Guide would help you avoid -- and so much of it has to do with how you present the information to her. If she got the feeling that she is not living up to a fantasy ideal of domination, fetish, toys, costumes...and all the stereotypes that go with "S&M", she will fall into a pool of insecurity over it. Eventually, she may snap out of it, and you'll find her clumsily taking a stab at it, full of self doubt, and most importantly thinking in her head the whole time, "This is for him, this is for him, this is what he wants, just do it, just do it, just do it...get it over with." Then, later, she will resent you for it. She may never say anything, but it is in her head. This is what I fear the cycle is for couples in this situation.

There is another point to this. I believe at the same time you asked for advice you were also asking for play partners on the BDSM personals side. Whether it was cyber only is irrelvant -- I suspect you were doing it without her knowledge, so basically sneaking around on her for your kink. All this does is undermine your situation. For one, she may know about it, either by sensing it or seeing it your screen -- that TOTALLY compounds the situation and makes her feel inadequate. Two, you are actively trying to engage a fantasy person online to satisfy you, and if you accomplish that, it's just more your girlfriend has to 'live up to."

I wish I had more information on exactly how you brought this up to her. Also, is your vanilla sex life fulfilling, or is it falling apart? She will sense that also, and then feel like she's not enough for you in bed, and this S&M thing is just a way for you to detach from her because she's not good enough.

If you have sexual issues first and foremost even with vanilla sex, you have to work through those first. You can't start backflips over the diving board until you know how to dog paddle. If she's not having "fun" in bed, she won't be having more fun when she has to start figuring out how to be kinky.

Akasha