second attempt and I don't seem to be improving

[DarlingNikki]

My second story has just posted. I wonder if someone can help me out - I am still suffering from "and then, and then, and then" syndrome. How could I have avoided that? Flashback? If so, at what point should I have started? I tried not to describe every single thing that happened, but I feel like I did anyway. What should I have left out?

Also, I feel like this story didn't really have a point, besides to chronicle an event. How could I have fixed that?

My description of Tommy - is it the dreaded "list" description?

One more question - is it "group" enough for group sex?

Any other feedback would be most welcome as well.

The story is a pretty mild two girls/one guy threesome and can be found here:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=81581

Thanks for any help.

Nikki

 

[KillerMuffin]

Some things that just flashed instantly.

1. The beginning is a bit, well, boring. It doesn't move. All you have is dialogue and a little action, but it's not really developing the characters. Okay. He's trying to get her to wear sexier clothes. Why should I care about this? How will this affect her? Change her? Alter their relationship? You allude to fear and inhibition, vaguely, but you just don't follow through with it. For me, the real story starts where she climbs off the motorcycle, the rest is pretty much back-click material.

2. You don't have to use Tommy's name every single paragraph. Proper names put distance between your characters and the reader. The more you use them, the more formal and distant you are. It's particularly redundant when there's only one guy present and you're not confusing pronouns. If you feel like you're using too many pronouns, don't swap with a proper name or something even worse like "the guy" or "the blonde (as is so popular around here)", change the subject of the sentence--but don't make it passive!

3. Mix up your sentence lengths a little bit. You run a lot of long sentences. While this isn't bad (I didn't notice anything that was too difficult to read), lots of long sentences will lose the attention of the reader. It's the sameness and the predictability. The "and, then" feeling you were talking about. Your sentence structure is one of the powerful tools you have to set a tone to your work. If they're always long and pretty much always the same, you're going to slow down the tone, make it a little boring. Human brains like variety. Choose your sentences and your words to elicit a desired reaction in the reader, not just because it's different or it feels authorial.

4. Word choice. Exercising your large vocabularly is always good. However, every word comes with more than meaning, it comes with a certain feel. Let's do an example here:

“Fine.” I closed myself into the closet, wiggled out of my clothes, and put on Tommy’s selections.

There is nothing wrong with this sentence. Technically. The average reader will understand every word and it won't bother him or her. However, it can be better. This isn't going to get much of a reaction from the reader. In the context of the story, "Tommy's selections" just doesn't have any impact. There's not associated feeling. I'm even required to recall that not only are "Tommy's selections" clothes, but that she's reluctant to wear them in public.

"Fine." I closed myself into the closet, shrugged out of my usual, proper clothes, and wiggled into the slut-girl outfit Tommy had picked out.

Read the difference. Can you see the way the words themselves set a feeling? By itself it's kind of missing, but taken in context with the story, you're going to show the reader how uncomfortable this can be for her. Word choice is about showing the reader what's happening.

5. Your plotting needs a lot of work. There's just no nice way to say this. You have a semblance of a plot, but it's not satisfying because you change it. You have three major plot events in this story. The first: “Weren’t you just complaining about the clothes you have to wear to work? How boring they are? How you’re sick of being a prissy secretary?” The second:
“I don’t know if I can—,” I started to say. The third: I didn’t get any closer to convincing Tommy to want me to be his girlfriend, but he did end up spending more time with me after that, always trying to get me to do outrageous things and always making me like it.

There are three parts to a story that are, essentially, a requirement. The conflict, the crisis, and the climax. The fourth is the resolution, but in such short stories, the climax and the resolution can be same the thing.

The conflict is the first part. Conflict is the story; it's the thing that the story is supposed to deal with. Her inner struggle is the conflict you established. Not that she's trying to get Tommy to be the boyfriend or admit love or whatever. The conflict is the protagonist versus her own inner self. She wants to change into something more exciting, but she's afraid to do it.

The crisis is the the second part. It's where the protagonist is forced to confront the conflict. The point of no return, as it were. This is where your protagonist has to fish or cut bait. Does she become that wild child or does she retreat into the prim and proper receptionist?

The climax is the part you're missing. This: “Okay,” I said. “I’m relaxing.” could pass for the climax. She decides to go with the flow, as it were. But it's, well, unsatisfying. Okay? Struggle with self resolved by "Okay". Does that seem a little flat? Anti-climactic?

The last bit is confusing. The last two paragraphs. It's not confusing confusing, but it is like a tacked on afterthought meant to close the story. It's like you wanted to resolve the conflict with it, the one you were carrying around in your head while you wrote this out. The problem with it? It actually doesn't satisfy the conflict you've established. Why not? It regresses her completely back to where she was before. Tommy makes her do outrageous things. Tommy makes her like it. The implication is that all that's gone before means nothing and it's been wiped out.

Plotting is important and very few people around here actually do it.

You should also remember that this is a porno site. People come here to get off. You may have noticed it in your own reading, but what gets you off and what you'd read here when you're not after an orgasm are two different things.

When you plot out a story, have an objective in mind. What do you want the audience to get out of it? And write to that objective.

Okay, now that you probably wonder why you even bother writing, how many paragraphs of criticism? Here's the good bits.

I have difficulty reading stuff on the site because most of the writing around here can't hold my attention. I'm jaded. Your writing held my interest enough to actually read deeply enough to find the plot. That doesn't happen to me often around here. You have good descriptive powers and you have a very engaging way of describing things.

I think that you also have a good feel for story writing itself. The problem isn't really in your writing so much as it's probably in your critical reading. As in, you don't do that. When you find good stories, take them apart. Find the plot, find the word choices, the theme, the tone, the sentence structure, the character development, and whatever worked for you. Then find what didn't work for you. No need to contact the author with your findings, just do it for you own edification.


Yep, it was group enough for group sex by Lit standards. Three people having sex in the same room at the same time, group sex at Lit.

 

[DarlingNikki]

Wow, KillerMuffin. Thank you SO much for taking so much time, that's exactly the kind of feedback I needed. I'm going to cut and paste it into my story files to look at as I write my next stories. Everyone likes to be complimented, but I really appreciate the criticism paragraphs because they are what's going to help me improve.

I've never taken a creative writing class for the sole reason that I hear one has to read one's work aloud, and I just can't manage that, but your feedback really makes it clear how much I can learn about and improve my writing. (What were you saying about long sentances?) Maybe I'll take a class after all.

Thank you again... this is extremely valuable info.

Nikki

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I have nothing but respect for Killer Muffin, and I can't disagree with any of her points, but I don't know how well they apply to your story.

I thought your story was awfully good. Yes, there were thjings that could have been said better, and maybe it could have moved faster, but I really didn't detect a trace of "And then..." writing. I especially appreciated the mix of internal and external action: seeing what was happening and getting her reaction to it. I thought that was very gracefully done. I also thought you did a very nice job of integrating the back story into the narrative, the way she felt about Tommy and the nature of their relationship. It was nice that our understanding of the relationship increased as the story went on; we were still learning while they were in the bar.

I thought your seduction was well done too. There was none of that one-touch-and-I-was-lost stuff we usually see, and it seemed real to me. If I were a woman being seduced by another woman I could see it happening something like that.

So if this is your second story, I would say you have no reason to be apologetic in the least. There are weaknesses, but they're not amateur weaknesses, and I'm much impressed.

As far as the weaknesses: the lack of plot and clear resolution doesn't bother me much, but I could see where other people would want a clearer resolution. To me the story is a description of a girl's seduction by another woman and that's about it. There's no real dramatic thrust, no essential problem that has to be worked out; the main character doesn't really change (which is supposed to be another sina qua non of fiction), but, as I said, that doesn't bother me.

The problem is that, as in life, there isn't a clear resolution for what happened. To make this a "And That's How I became A Bisexual" would be to ruin it.

Anyhow. I thought it was too good to worry about. Build on it.

---dr.M.

 

[honeysucklerose]

Darling, Darling...

Your story was very fine. I do not care for girl on girl things typically but this was the best I've ever read.

While I know some may like to move a bit faster I found the set-up of your story to be pure seduction and it is what moved me to enjoy the lesbian action as well as the little twist of control. You built the situation as well as the emotional state of your--can I call her heroine?

I was so moved I read your first story as well and found it equally pleasing. The little interludes leading up to your final scene were good foreplay. You could have drawn out their long awaited union a bit more considering what they (I) had to do to get there (chuckles) but it was still good. It probably didn't hurt that I have a fondness for the name Kurt as well.

If I have to criticize I would say avoid so many commas. Some were downright unnecessary (especially before the word but) and others you would do better to make the sentence flow or make it into two sentences.

The only other note I could make is to be careful when using other languages to make sure you are correct. I can't speak for all your German but I know that "Ich libe dich" should be "Ich liebe Dich." Occasionally you run across folks who get a little testy when their native language is misused and I wouldn't want something so simple to distract from such a good story.

Keep writing!!



Edited to add: You did improve. Though the first story is more to my taste I found the second story to be better written.

 

[DarlingNikki]

Wow. Thanks, dr_mabeuse and honeysucklerose... I'm all embarrassed now, but in a good way.

Re: the first story - I am writing a chapter two. More sex, fewer commas.

Thank you!

 

[lipao69]

Darling Nikki You are doing great

Darling nikki
your story was great. Yes it did start out slow but hey that may be your writing style. it got really good to. I loved the story and would love to see more please keep writing.

lipao69
Defending my Country 1 Beer at a time.

 

[DarlingNikki]

Thank you lipao69