SciFi submission... critique please

[LaRascasse]

This is the story. If you see a <center> html tag, ignore it. The formatting error should be fixed soon.

This is the farthest I have gone outside my comfort zone. I would appreciate any sort of feedback (good or bad) on it. After all of it has been butchered to pieces, kindly answer one simple question - have I bitten off more than I can chew here?

Thanks in advance.

 

[CWatson]

"I CAN SEE THE FUTUUUUURE!!! ...I'M ON FIRE!!"

The problem I'm having with your story is that it's boring.

First off, I have trouble believing in the Saiyan MO of simply wiping out everything, regardless of their power levels; this is an extremely short-sighted practice (life-supporting real estate being a finite quality in the galaxy) and just because Toriyama said it doesn't mean you have to repeat it. (It's not the only stupid thing Toriyama said.) What profit could there possibly be in blowing up a planet that someone is going to need to live on? It'd be like demolishing a continent here on Earth--it's a net loss for every living thing on the planet, period, including the guy who (thinks he) benefited from it. Who's going to pay you to do this? (Besides Frieza, but there's no mention of that.) And if the Saiyans are doing it just because they like abusing their power, why aren't they down on the ground doing it face-to-face? You have them starting off with wanton destruction because reasons, and it doesn't hold up.

Second, Fasha's internal conflict needs to be put into much sharper focus. I really want to get inside her head, to learn what she likes about wholesale carnage and what she dislikes about it. I want her to have a personality, even if it's one she's hiding from her subordinates. Right now she feels like cardboard. It's hard to establish characters in short amounts of time, even a scene or less, but in fiction it's a vital skill. This isn't an anime, even if it's inspired by one; the audience isn't going to be distracted by (descriptions of) dazzling explosions or (descriptions of) eyeball-flinging violence. You need Fasha's personality and internal conflict to be introduced within five paragraphs, or you're going to be hit with the dreaded [Back] button.

I'm amused by the name-borrowing. "Fasha" is the English name for "Selipa" from Tale of Bardock, and anyone who's been watching Game of Thrones remembers Xaro Xhoan Daxos, even if they have no idea how to pronounce it.

Also, what's with Fasha's power level being a million times higher than her subordinates combined? If I recall correctly, Frieza himself topped out at about 1 million, and that this was astronomical. Who's going to defeat Fasha? Furthermore, what the hell power levels do her underlings have? Like, 3 each? I have a black belt in karate, which probably gives me a power level of about 6; does that mean I could defeat Cassimir? This is the problem with power levels in the first place. (Like I said, Saiyans being planet-destroying monkeys was not the only stupid thing Toriyama came up with.)

("Vegeta! What does the scouter say about his power levels?"
("It's... One thousand and six. Hmm, wait, that doesn't seem right... Wait, wait, wait, wait! Nappa!"
("Oww! Whaaaaat?"
("I had the scouter upside down. It's over nine thousand. Rah.")

Have you bitten off more than you can chew? Yes and no. Your ability is not currently commensurate to the story you're trying to tell... but the thing about writing is that people can improve at it. This is an ambitious failure, and those are the best kinds because it means you're pushing yourself. You are trying to become a better writer. And it shows in the story, yes, but there are way worse problems for a story to have.

 

[PennLady]

I just read this, and while I'm not sure you've bitten off more than you can chew, I'm also not sure that you've thought everything through.

As for the power levels, you say Fasha is a million times more powerful than the others in her group, but we have no idea what that means, no basis for comparison. And if she is so off-the-scale powerful even as an infant, why did she not kill her father, the King, when she got older? Sounds like she could have. Conversely, why didn't he kill her, since she would likely represent a threat to his power?

I agree with CWatson that the Saiyans don't seem to be acting sensibly. What benefit is there to destroying planets, and what makes them "unnecessary?" If there are planets that sustain life, why wouldn't the Saiyans set up shop there? Set up outposts or whatever, and report back to the base?

I also have a lot of problems with the idea that the Saiyans are apparently loyal to no one, not even family. If they'd be so quick as to kill even blood relatives at the slightest opportunity, why didn't they all kill each off other long ago? You cite fear as a primary motivation -- but fear will not hold forever. You need something more.

Like CWatson, I found it kind of boring, but boring b/c I don't care about the characters. I know Fasha's internal conflict is supposed to get my interest, but it doesn't, in part b/c if she's so all-powerful, I don't understand why she isn't in charge of, well, everything.

This may be a type of fan fiction, even if you aren't using specific characters, but if you're going to put it out for everyone, it needs to stand on its own and explanations have to be given.

Also, I tried to suspend disbelief, but I totally did not believe in the one-hour gestation of a baby. And even if I could, the idea of the Queen being so totally ravaged defeated the idea of her body being able to create a viable life.

 

[nicecthulhu]

Okay, so I've never heard of this DBZ thing you mentioned and nothing in your story matched up with any fiction I remember. So, getting past my total ignorance on DBZ here are my comments.
I would say that in your story of Fasha developing a conscience or soul or just reprogramming herself you've had a good start. As with the others, I think it could have started a little better to draw the reader into Fasha's inner conflict immediately. But you let the reader in on what's going on in less than three pages and I think that's quite reasonable for SF.
However, this is not SF, or scifi, it's space opera. A super-powerful race where even the weakest members control energies sufficient to obliterate a planet? And they have to rely on space ships to travel between the stars?
The barbarity of the society I can see as possible. A hybrid being one of or the most powerful member of the race is something drawn from old space operas. The Saiyan's interactions seem simplistic for an intergalactic 'empire' where individuals hold such power within their own bodies - space opera.
Fasha's internal struggle seems a little too sophisticated for the rest of the story.
"The pod ejected out from her planet and raced through the cosmos at warp speed." was rather painful to read. There were a couple of other places were I cringed, but the story overall was a decent read.
Have you bitten off more than you can chew? Tough to say. Can you balance what could be an intriguing inner battle with a villainous race that seems rather one-dimensional? Can you create a satisfying threat from these Saiyans, when Fasha seems so ultimately powerful?
Since it's space opera you can casually ignore some of the rules of writing SF and that could get you past some road blocks in your plot.
I have the feeling I haven't answered your question, but I've been trying to.

 

[MSTarot]

It a good start. The stage is set, the characters are shown, the flood lights are lit.

Now comes the hard part. You're going to really have to sell the next part of this. She need to find herself in an emotional hell that she has no way of understanding.

Then she will need a villain. The main problem with making her so powerful from the outset is going to be that whoever she has to fight is going to have to be near god like.

Or someone so smart that she is constantly being out thought. A Professor Moriarty type, who more often than not uses her own power against her.

Have you bit off more than you can chew? Yes.

Now the only thing you can do is keep chewing and hope you don't get choked.

M.S.Tarot

 

[Verdad]

I've just read this, and I'm not so bothered by the logic of the story world as I am by nothing relevant happening.

If this is supposed to be a story, it's not one. If it's supposed to be a novel opening, you've begun too early.

Either way, there's lots of back story and a few scenes that seem to serve the set up but no plot purpose. All we get of present time action is Fasha having an average day at work (so to say), then an average evening in a bar, then an average journey to her next mission. That itself is not a story, to say nothing of all the flashbacking that weighs down even this anemic present time action.

You've told us repeatedly Fasha is conflicted about two parts of her heritage, or if you will, two sides of her own nature. But that is what you've told us. Ideally, a story would start with an incident that activates and dramatizes this conflict, forces Fasha to make some kind of a choice, and leads to subsequent events. We would have to see this incident and have a clear sense of what's at stake for Fasha.

As it is, one chapter and lots of words into the story, there's not a whiff of anything out of the ordinary happening to her, and though she may be musing about feeling torn, she has no real, immediate problem to deal with. She's a completely static character and readers tend not to care for such. I skimmed through most of the story and scrolled straight through all the italicized parts.

Provided that the story kicks off in chapter two, though, you needn't worry about that too much. If it does, you can always discard the first chapter and write a new opening that's short and to the point.

If, however, you intend to continue by putting Fasha through a series of meandering episodes, you may still gather a following of readers who like your idea for some reason, but it's not going to be what most people call a gripping story.

 

[Verdad]

P.S.

Suppose the story began with Fasha screwing up a mission because her compassion awakened at an inappropriate moment.

Her father sends her to the next mission as a punishment/exile.

She goes there determined to prove and reedem herself.

Of course, the pesky compassion thingy gets in the way once more, etc.

That's an example of how you could present the story without resorting to all the telling.

 

[LaRascasse]

"I CAN SEE THE FUTUUUUURE!!! ...
Also, what's with Fasha's power level being a million times higher than her subordinates combined? If I recall correctly, Frieza himself topped out at about 1 million, and that this was astronomical. Who's going to defeat Fasha? Furthermore, what the hell power levels do her underlings have? Like, 3 each? I have a black belt in karate, which probably gives me a power level of about 6; does that mean I could defeat Cassimir? This is the problem with power levels in the first place. (Like I said, Saiyans being planet-destroying monkeys was not the only stupid thing Toriyama came up with.)

("Vegeta! What does the scouter say about his power levels?"
("It's... One thousand and six. Hmm, wait, that doesn't seem right... Wait, wait, wait, wait! Nappa!"
("Oww! Whaaaaat?"
("I had the scouter upside down. It's over nine thousand. Rah.")

Snickers Yeah, I remember this episode. It always had a simple charm.

Freiza had a power level above 1 million only in his second form. He evolved twice more (let's say he had a power level of 2 million when he reached that white-lizard form). Then he said <blah blah... lot of vain boasting> followed by "My actual power can go up to 100 times this." So technically, he can go up to 200 million. And then there were things several orders of magnitude stronger than him (Cell, Buu and so on).

The one thing I did change was I did away with the whole "SuperSaiyan" states. That seemed kinda pointless to me. So, she is equivalent to what you could call SSJ3 (without her hair turning blonde). Now that can easily be a million times higher than her three subordinates put together.

#AnimeFanboy #WhatANerd #RemembersEveryEpisode #CantBelieveItsBeen10YearsSinceISawIt

Thanks for taking the time to share your views. I will keep them in mind. I just wanted to try and clarify one of the points