Scared newby exposes herself...

[alikat]

... to criticism!

My first story appeared a couple of days ago, and so far I've only had one piece of feedback (good, but vague).

So I'd be really curious to know what anyone else thought of it, and to hear any constructive suggestions for my next one (currently a work in progress).

*** link removed - not working - see below! ***

Thanks!

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Here's an excerpt from your story:
--------------------
Alexandria softly moaned as Amber deepthroated his large cock. Amber had her hand between her legs, and was furiously rubbing her pussy. "Mmm, yes suck me baby" Alexandria moaned. Amber slid her shorts and panties off, and spread her legs widely apart. Alexandria looked at the beautiful blonde bush between Amber's pretty thighs. "Damn, you have a wonderful pussy" he moaned. "Let's go to the bedroom" Alexandria suggested. They walked hand in hand towards Alexandria's bedroom, and Amber jumped onto the bed. She laid on her back and spread her legs widely apart. Alexandria slid between her legs, and licked at her wet pussy. Amber softly moaned, as Alexandria sucked her swollen clit. Alexandria expertly licked her hot pussy, making Amber cum quickly.
----------------------
(For those reading along, in the story Alexandria is a male transvestite, Amber a female friend)

First thing: It's usual in writing to give each direct quote a separate paragraph. It's easier to read and it helps the reader keep straight just who's apeaking. You've got two different people speaking in the same paragraph. Also, each quote is followed by the same type of attributive: "he said...she moaned...he suggested". It gives the prose a sing-songy and repetitious feel.

Look at the last 4 sentences in the paragraph. Each one us the same structure: Subject verb. "Amber did this. Alexandria did that..." You've got to vary the sentence structure otherwise it sounds like a list.

Look at the last sentence. Amber is being eaten to orgasm. I imagine she's writhing and moaning, gasping, maybe grinding her hips, grabbing his hair, her face is getting red, she's biting her lip. Her legs start to quiver. But the only details of the whole thing that you give us are the fact thast her pussy is hot, and that Alexander licked her "expertly". Well gee, I for one would sure like to know what he does that makes him an expert.

This is sex you're describing here, which is one of the most sensual and intense experiences most of us ever have. It deserves more description and attention that you give it. I don't just want to be told who did what to whom: I want to see all the details, hear all the sounds, smell things.

And here's where I think you missed a big opportunity to make this really hot. You're describing sex between a man tranvestite and a woman, but you hardly spend any attention on describing what would make this experience so special and different than everyday male-female sex. I mean, wouldn't Alexandria be wearing lipstick? How would it feel to Amber to kiss a man wearing lipstick. How does Alexandria act during sex? Like a man or like a woman? Is his face rough from his beard?

You see this all the time. Someone writes a vampire story and when it comes down to it, it's just the usual man-woman sex with a bite thrown in at the end. Or I read an incest scene where they'd might as well be strangers for all the attention the author takes to try and show us what it would feel like to fuck a family member.

Get into the scene and really think about what it would be like, then come back and describe it for us. Show us what happens.

A writer goes off into his imagination and comes back and reports on what he's found there. And if he's any good, he takes his readers to where he's been and lets them experience it too.

---dr.M.

 

[alikat]

Ooops. Maybe I should have checked that link - that ain't my story. So I'm sorry, Dr. M., but all your hard work has been in vain, at least for me. Thanks for trying though!

My story is called "Playing Away" and it's in the EC section (and also the New section, for the moment anyway).

www.literotica.com/stories/stories_by_category.php?category=2&page=70

I promise this link works!

AK

 

[pointless]

try this instead. playing away

 

[alikat]

Thanks, P, but that link does exactly the same thing my original one did. I just hope Kip appreciates all this free publicity!

AK

 

[pointless]

now that's just fucking weird. i tested it after posting and it worked just fine. are you cursed?

 

[pointless]

it keeps changing the last three numbers in the address to *** for some fucking reason. oh well, ignore my link. sorry for that.

 

[alikat]

Cursed? Possibly. Yeah, it did the *** thing to me too. The real number is 89***, not 89***. Or at least, it was the last time I looked

 

[alikat]

OK, I give in. This is just stupid. I PROMISE I put real numbers in that time.

It's eight - nine - six - five - three.

Go on, board, screw that one up if you dare....

My story is just never going to get read, is it?

 

[alikat]

...sigh... 100 views and still no feedback.

I still can't get the link to work but the story (Playing Away - EC category) is easy enough to find.

Somebody? Anybody? Please? I'm getting paranoid here...

 

[reohoko]

it's easier just to link your profile page... Click on yourself under members and make a book mark of it... then link that, and they can click on your stories from there.

That is what I did anyway.

Let me know and I will go read it but I don't have time tonight to look for it... sorry.

 

[alikat]

Why didn't I think of that?

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=211616

Thanks Reo!

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Alikat,
Very nice story. It flowed really well and held my attention. At no point did I want to hit the back button The sex scenes were very hot and steamy. It read as if it were a true story being retold, especially with the ending.
The only thing I would add to this would be to add more detail, not sizes such as breasts or cock size but, a mention of how silky soft his touch was. Or, make contrasts between his tanned body against your paler one, etc, etc. You have nice description but IMO I would add more details to those descriptions to really make it stand out.
In all very nicely done, congrats.

Wicked

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Ar last! A link that works!

You have nothing to fear as far as the quality of your story goes. It's a good piece of writing and has no obvious faults that were obvious to me. Your mechanics are beyond reproach and it looks like you've taken a lot of care with the editing and proofreading.

The only bit of mechanics I might quibble withg is your total lack of attributives in your dialog. There's not one "he said" or "she said" and we have to figure out who is speaking from context alone. Sometimes this doesn't quite work and the identity of the speaker isn't clear. I was taken up short a couple times, once when I thought he was telling her he wanted to sit on her. If you're goinbt to go without attributives, you've got to make doubly sure that the identity of your speaker is clear. God know what you'll do if there's more than two people talking in a scene.

I also think you spend too much time setting up this affair. Because of your stress on the nature of their affair and his expertise as a lover, I really expected these elements to have a more important part in the rest of the story, but they didn't. That's what happens when you devote a lot of space to anything in a story: the reader expects it to be crucial to the unfolding of the tale, and neither his proficiency as a lover nor his marital status seemed to be important once the action began.

I wondered why you had bothered to make him a married man at all when the story would have been much the same had he been single. I assume you were trying to give an illicit edge to the affair to enhance the excitement and as a way of making him forbidden fruit to her, but I still think you gave it too much play at the start.

I don't know if I've ever seen a hornier female narrator in anything I've read here. Really, all she thinks about is sex. I'm sure that there are women who enter into affairs with ,married men for no more than their own sexual gratification. It just seems odd that she has no conflicts about his being married and about the impossibility of their affair ever being more than a series of sexual liaisons, no matter how great the sex is. Both of them seem surprisingly devoid of affection for each other, and in addition to making them both seem very shallow and hard to identify with, it just didn't ring true to me, especially from her point of view. It just seems to me that sexual technique and cute smiles are no substitute for real affection as a contributing factor to great sex. And I don't see any affection between these two.

It also made the ending "I love you" gambit seem contrived: more an author's trick to end the story than something that would have actually occurred between these two particular people,

She is a very intrusive narrator for my tastes, always interupted her story with little editorial asides and opinions, quips and comments. This had the effect of defusing any real erotic tension for me, because I kept on thinking, "well, if she can be thinking about how he always does this or that to her before she orgasms, then she can't really be that into it, can she?" I would have preferred it if she'd just concentrated on telling the story, such as it is, giving us more concrete sensual detail and less about what she was thinking.

That's probably my biggest bone to pick with the story: chatty narrator, but there's something else. The story is basically the recounting of a series of sexual encounters between two lovers. As such, there is nothing that really changes over the course of the tale. Almost any good story is the story of change, usually the change in a character. Even your basic They met/they fucked/they went home story hints at some change in a character ("I'll never forget that magical night", "I'll never be the same", "I never knew it could be so good", etc.) But in this one absolutely nothing changes. They leave with exactly the same attitudes that they came in with; the relationship is the same, so it leaves you with the question: why is she telling is this?

I think you sensed this but didn't know what to do about it: that's why you ended with that "I love you" business, to give the story the feeling of some dramatic climax. But the way he answers is exactly the way he answered his wife EARLIER, which just reinforces the idea that nothing at all has changed.

Still, for a first effort, you have nothing at all to be ashamed of. Your writing style is fine and you've got a very good ear and a great imagination. Just figure out what the real story is and concentrate a bit more on telling it.

One more thing: in the States at least, a "formal" meeting would imply that the guests came dressed in formal clothes. I think it would be a contradiction in terms to have a formal costume party.

I know: pick, pick, pick.

---dr.M.

 

[alikat]

OK, it's confession time....

.... this was actually a true story, written initially just so that I didn't forget any of the delicious details (as if..!), but with no thought towards any kind of publication. Once I'd written it, however, I was conceited enough to think that it read quite well, and that made me curious to see how it would be received by a wider audience. Only a few minor points have been changed - but, Dr. M, the "contrived" ending sadly isn't one of them.

So thank you all for your input, and for your constructive comments, both here and via email. Now all I need is an imagination.....

AK

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Well, if this is a true story that you wrote as a reminiscence, it's very well done and you should be bpth pleased and encouraged.

Trouble is, everything posted here as fiction is judged as fiction, and as fiction I think the piece falls just a little short, mainly in the way that there is no change in the characters (& isn't that just like real life?). But I really hope you're not discouraged because you write very well.

And everyone has an imagination. You just have to tell a story the way you'd like it to be.

Best,

---dr.M.