Saturday Discussion - Alternatives to Sexual Intercourse For Teens?

[*bratcat*]

 

[Guest]

In this day and age, the best we can do is proper education, upbringing, and parenting, and hope they make good decisions. The same argument can be posed for alcohol and cigarettes, they will make their own decisions. We just have to pray they are good ones. Responsible sexual activity can be safe. Abstinance may be unrealistic. Just MHO.....

 

[JazzManJim]

Can someone please explain to me why it's unrealistic to tell kids that it's valuable and safe to wait until marriage to have sex? People are capable of doing it - couples do it every day.

I'm not advocating that it's the only thing that we teach them, but to call it unreasobale is to surrender to an assumption that's not true. To only teach kids abstinence is just ridiculous.

But, my folks taught abstinence and, though I didn't heed their words, what they told me made me much more cautious and choosy about when, where, and with whom I had sex. After all, if I was going to disobey my parents, I wanted to make sure it was a quality experience! At least a dozen people I know have told me the same sort of thing.

So it does have value. I can make a kid think twice about doing it. It can make them more selective and more cautious.

When my children reach adolescence, I will expect that they are not engaging in sexual behavior. That may brand me as naive, but I have very good reasons for it. First, I will know where my kids are going, with whom they're going, and what they'll be doing when they're there. Along with that, I will be building an atmosphere of trust between me and them. Breaching that trust, on either side, is a serious matter. That's one of the things that kept me on the straight and narrow when I was a teenager. I knew my parents gave me a measure of trust and to breach that trust would not only mean that I'd get less trust, but that I had let them down. That was far worse than any punishment.

You can call me naive if you want, but I'm not ready to surrender my kids to their own "helpless" urges. My parents didn't do that with me, and I turned out pretty okay. I figure it'll work with them, too.

 

[DannyBoyUK]

I find it scary - as a defence lawyer - how an increasing number of sex offenders are 14 or even younger

I wish I knew the solution

 

[Monazwx]

Saturday Discussion

Teens should never be encouraged to engage in sexual activity. Granting them a parental license to have sex is not the way to raise the younger generation.

Although there are some mature teens out there, many are just trying to find out who they are. They feel like sex will show them the way to be more of an adult, make them popular, be accepted, etc. More importantly, when something happens like a prenancy or contracting a disease, usually, they do not have the mental faculties to deal with the situation effectively and have to run to mom and dad in the end.

It is not unreasonable to expect teens to wait until they can make a decision that they can assume responsibilty for. There are so many people I know who said that they should have waited until they were older. If they had known then about the level of commitment involved to the act, they wouldn't have given it away so freely. It should be instilled that sex is an expression of love , not just an itch to be scratched. Unfortunately, even some adults grapple with this fact.

Open lines of communication and education like storm said will help with this. Didn't mean to vent, but teen sex bothers me.

 

[Guest]

Jim, It's not unrealistic to tell kids this message. That was not my point at all. That is, in fact, all we can do. Your approach is the perfect one.

What we can't be is assuming that they will heed this warning. I work on the front lines of this. 13 year olds having sex. Not thinking that oral sex is even sex at all. Not caring of the consequences. Parents that don't parent. Kids now at 13 are where we were at 17. That's just the way it is. Things are so different now, don't ask me why, but kids mature, or are forced to mature more quickly. They also kill themselves more ofter, suffer depression more often, have horrible parents more often, get exposed to negative things sooner in life, etc. My response was a global one only. Mona was right. Not that you are not, but that won't apply to everyone. You're a good parent. Your kids friends's parents will statistically not be. You may find yourself parenting you kids's friends more than you expect. Positive role models like you WILL help, but your numbers are shrinking.

 

[Weird Harold]

Can someone please explain to me why it's unrealistic to tell kids that it's valuable and safe to wait until marriage to have sex? People are capable of doing it - couples do it every day.

I'm not advocating that it's the only thing that we teach them, but to call it unreasobale is to surrender to an assumption that's not true. To only teach kids abstinence is just ridiculous

I don' think it's unrealistic to tell your kids, "the only absolutely safe sex is NO sex."

I also agree that leaving it at that is asking for trouble -- Peer pressure and other factors are going to tempt teens into having sex before marriage or even before a serious commitment. I personally do not know anyone who married as a virgin!

The "Talk" I gave both daughters at puberty stressed that they were in charge of their bodies and, while abstinance was what I preferred, I'd settle for acting responsible. I gave them a list of priorities starting with abstinance, and proceeding through a monagamous commitment, Birth control/Condoms, all the way down to disinheritance.

I felt I could turn responsibility to their sex lives over to them at that point because I made the effort to raise responsible children I could trust from the time they were born. If they had not already shown me I could trust them, they would have been under much tighter control through their teen years.

One key factor, is that I never dictated to them that they had to accept my version of morality without explanation -- from the time they could talk, I explained the logic behind the restrictions and rules and I didn't stop when it got to explaining sex.

 

[foxxxyred]

First, I will know where my kids are going, with whom they're going, and what they'll be doing when they're there.

Then you'll be the first parent in history to know all this! I know i twisted the truth on more than one occasion when telling my dad where i was going when i was younger. I wasn't out having sex and all the rest, but i made that decision for myself, not because a parent was telling me not to.
Come to think of it my father never said don't do it. But if he had said that, would it have changed my decision? Probably not. But at the end of the day it was/is my decision. There is only so far you can protect/control your kids.

 

[Ginny]

Dr. Jocelyn Elders was right....teach children about the importance of abstaining until they are old enough........and teach them about masturbation.....make masturbation a healthy......positive part of their lives......

 

[Sillyman]

Abstinence is the only really 100% effective method of avoiding the negative afteraffects of sex. However it's unrealistic to expect total abstinence from teenagers if they have any oppurtunity whatsoever. Teenage girls will want sex as long as teenage guys want sex, and teenage guys will want sex if they still have testicles.

Trying to control them completely, will unfortunately, either be ineffective or backfire or both. They could very easily hate you for it, and while they may appreciate there efforts later in life, a rash and overemotional teen who thinks they will never find love because their parents won't let them may not live to see later in life.

 

[scylis]

Teenage girls will want sex as long as teenage guys want sex, and teenage guys will want sex if they still have testicles.

dude, i'm SO making that my sig line!

 

[Sillyman]

dude, i'm SO making that my sig line!

Alright! Score!

 

[JazzManJim]

Parents that don't parent.

I think the whole of your comment could be encapsulated in this sentence right here.

Kids do seem to "grow up" quicker and it is, IMO, because they have had to. They've had no parent over them to help guide that maturation, to allow it to develop in its time, when it should, instead of being forced and, in too many cases, warped.

I was by no means raised in the most liberal or informative household when it came to sex. I didn't have sex until I was 20 and I didn't masturbate until I was 24. Those were my choices. I took what my parents told me to heart. I did know, though, that oral sex was sex and anal sex was sex. I knew the facts about sex, if not every in and out, so to speak.

I don't think I'm unusual in how I intend on dealing with this with my kids as they grow older. I think there are an awful lot of us who have seen what is happening and won't allow it to happen to our kids, inasmuch as we can give them guidance, instruction, and a bit of a shelter.

I guess what it comes down to is that a parent's owning the responsibility of their children is the surest way to make sure that they won't be messed up. It's not a perfect way, but I don't think a perfect way exists.