Sanctuary # 1

[twelveoone]

bydemure101

Each visitor will find the same address:
Grey pillars' stone perspective leads my view Unto the altar and the red and blue East window –
old and tall,
and built to stress The perpendicular and to impress Me with a sensed of veneration,
due To the immense proportions and dim hue -
The very structure seems intent to bless The ones inside when all at once the air Vibrates,
at first in unison,
and then Da Palestrina's come to life again.
Clear voices rise and fall –
I sit and stare In silent wonder,
filled with joy and grief:
This pure beatitude's beyond belief.

BTW this is not how it appears, this is how it would be formally read, arranged by some form of full stop. The things in bold are not end rhyme, rather stop rhyme, now Vibrates may have rhymed with venerates in an earlier version.
this is another structure, besides the formal one.
what this should do is run a rhythm interference pattern against what i assume is the iambic.
so here Demure101 is a rather lengthier comment than the one you got.
now my complaint is still pretty much the same, the language while not dead is rather moribund.

 

[twelveoone]

address:
view
blue
stress
impress
due
hue -
bless
air
then
again.
stare
grief:
belief.

end rhyme and enjambment
ABBAABBACDDCEE not bad, some rather easy rhymes, but what the hell, now there is the curious "then", in context
...and then
Da Palestrina's
well works for me,
how would you scan it neo-forms?

my point - get off your ass, if you can do this, you can say, maybe help some others

 

[Desejo]

bydemure101

Each visitor will find the same address:
Grey pillars' stone perspective leads my view Unto the altar and the red and blue East window –
old and tall,
and built to stress The perpendicular and to impress Me with a sensed of veneration,
due To the immense proportions and dim hue -
The very structure seems intent to bless The ones inside when all at once the air Vibrates,
at first in unison,
and then Da Palestrina's come to life again.
Clear voices rise and fall –
I sit and stare In silent wonder,
filled with joy and grief:
This pure beatitude's beyond belief.

BTW this is not how it appears, this is how it would be formally read, arranged by some form of end stop. The things in bold are not end rhyme, rather end stop rhyme, now Vibrates may have rhymed with venerates in an earlier version.
this is another structure, besides the formal one.
what this should do is run a rhythm interference pattern against what i assume is the iambic.
so here Demure101 is a rather lengthier comment than the one you got.
now my complaint is still pretty much the same, the language while not dead is rather moribund.

1201 - or someone else who knows: could someone start a thread on rhyme schemes, tricks, etc? The other day I came across something that someone explained was slant rhyme in a PM. Now you are talking about stop rhyme. How does one learn these things? Is there a resource that will not bore me to tears? Better yet...illustrations like the one above with notes. Yes. You are now being asked to teach

 

[twelveoone]

1201 - or someone else who knows: could someone start a thread on rhyme schemes, tricks, etc? The other day I came across something that someone explained was slant rhyme in a PM. Now you are talking about stop rhyme. How does one learn these things? Is there a resource that will not bore me to tears? Better yet...illustrations like the one above with notes. Yes. You are now being asked to teach

stoprhyme
that you probably not find, most stop rhyme would be at the end of the line, in this case tall/fall are not, window/wonder are not either,( they are close to slant rhyme), notice they act as a sort of framing device, also veneration/Vibrates

this sets up an almost imperceptible (consciously) sonic pattern, you will react to it. This does look like a conscious act on Demure's part. It looks too templated.

slant rhyme http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Half_rhyme

i would have put this in the sonics thread, but i have more to say.


not end, just stop

 

[twelveoone]

templates

all external forms are templates, Metre is a template, we all have our own templates, and then there is the theory of poetry machines which will do what?

 

[twelveoone]

Vibrates, at first in unison, and then
Da Palestrina's come to life again.

no takers on scansion of this? interesting thing is set up.

 

[twelveoone]

Vibrates, at first in unison, and then
Da Palestrina's come to life again.

no takers on scansion of this? interesting thing is set up.

screw it, i'll do it, even though it's not my religion

and then according to the rules that has to be accented,
and then ta da
Da Palestrina's come to life again.
Clear voices rise and fall – I sit and stare
In silent wonder, filled with joy and grief:
This pure beatitude's beyond belief. A literated!!!
allowing for a certain foreshadowing ironic effect, this really is leading (or showing not telling) prefaced by 'rise and fall' 'sit and stare' 'joy and grief', all ez pickins, now i mean technique can only get you so far, i for one, do have to feel i am there, this doesn't put me there.

now i mean technique can only get you so far, before the writer should stop and think, what am i really doing?

my advice (which we be highly resented) you have an idea, think about it, still a good idea-work like a bitch, to put life in it, real life, not gollums

I can hear the neo-forms hissing

hisssss, hissss, infidel, hisss, hissss, infidel

now slap me with a new phrase, a new way...

 

[Angeline]

1201 - or someone else who knows: could someone start a thread on rhyme schemes, tricks, etc? The other day I came across something that someone explained was slant rhyme in a PM. Now you are talking about stop rhyme. How does one learn these things? Is there a resource that will not bore me to tears? Better yet...illustrations like the one above with notes. Yes. You are now being asked to teach

Hi Desejo. I don't think this is exactly what you're asking for, but Tzara's Thread of Forms has a ton of information about many traditional forms, and if you click on some of the links in the thread it will lead you to explanations that do get somewhat into rhythm and meter and that sort of thing.

Also a site called Hubpages has a whole section called How to Write Poetry that discusses a lot of the things coming up in this thread (like slant rhyme, meter, etc.).

Hope you find this helpful.