Safe Words

[SkyBluAngelEyes]

We always used one. I don't think I would do a scene without one. For both of our safety.

I might cry out exclamations at times, but I felt safe knowing I had a safe word for me to use if needed.

 

[rosco rathbone]

I never understood the safeword thing. Why try to sum up all sensing and vibing in some dumb word? Totally non romantic. I don't fuck with people I don't know well, for starters. And since I know them I am comfortable whilst improvising and making things happen and if I go too far, I am aware and I can back off if I want to.

Safewords are for people who need overt feedback and approval. Discuss.

 

[serijules]

Safewords are for people who need overt feedback and approval. Discuss.

Doesn't a safeword sort of cut off overt feedback and approval by ending the scene?

 

[graceanne]

I have never used my safe word. It's nice knowing it's there, but it's not really an issue. And I once read something by a guy. His girlfriend had a rape fantasy, and he agreed to act it out. She got really freaked out in the middle, but he didn't know, cause he thought her 'no's' where part of the game, and she ended up dumping him, cause it traumatized her so bad, she couldn't sleep with him anymore. Now of course that's worse case scenario and all, but that's why I agree with needing a safe word.

 

[fallon2]

I never understood the safeword thing. Why try to sum up all sensing and vibing in some dumb word? Totally non romantic. I don't fuck with people I don't know well, for starters. And since I know them I am comfortable whilst improvising and making things happen and if I go too far, I am aware and I can back off if I want to.

Safewords are for people who need overt feedback and approval. Discuss.

You must not scene or play very often.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Doesn't a safeword sort of cut off overt feedback and approval by ending the scene?

imho the writerPYL method is a way of getting constant overt feedback...yes, i like this, no i don't like that...and has nothing do do with "safety". If it works for all parties concerned then fine. I look down upon it, personally.

 

[rosco rathbone]

You must not scene or play very often.

I never "scene" or "play".

 

[RavenSpirit2k4]

I myself would never go without a safeword - or rather a safety action - with a sub bound and gagged. Even if you're a switch like me and aren't doing anything to the sub that hasn't been done to you, there's no way to just know if things are okay on their end unless you're a telepath. But that's also another reason I like to use my panties as a gag; the sub can work them out of his or her mouth.

In other situations, I can live without a safeword, but I still prefer to have agreed upon one beforehand.

 

[bluntforcemama]

I would trust my partner enough to not need a safe word. I would choose someone who could look into my eyes and read what I need.

 

[graceanne]

well, like I said, I don't actually care if I have a safe word or not, I trust him. He's the one who wanted one.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Safe words...

As I mentioned earlier, I've never had a pyl use any higher safe word than "yellow," and that only twice, in more than 20 years of active play with other than a LTR partner.

I also said that I tend to "check" on my play partner when I don't know them well, and thus don't know how accurately their stated desires and limits match up with their real desires and limits.

As far as interrupting the scene goes, I generally intersperse softer play, e.g., a little rubbing with "bunny fur," which allows me to lean close to them and quietly do my check. Over the years, I've gotten pretty good at recognizing the signs of a pyl deep into subspace, and don't interrupt then... but I don't intensify what's happening much, either.

It's a matter of personal preference. What works for me may not work for you, and what works for you may not work for John Dom. What is important, I believe, is that both persons (all persons?) involved in a scene are comfortable with what's happening - even if it hurts

 

[Netzach]

I never understood the safeword thing. Why try to sum up all sensing and vibing in some dumb word? Totally non romantic. I don't fuck with people I don't know well, for starters. And since I know them I am comfortable whilst improvising and making things happen and if I go too far, I am aware and I can back off if I want to.

Safewords are for people who need overt feedback and approval. Discuss.

It depends who you're doing stuff with. They are very overused-over-relied on in my opinion. To me, the point of a safeword is to have a way to signal "I am totally freaking out and virutually non-verbal and if this scene doesn't stop now I'm going to have to be hospitalized!" Or a way to say "hey, my trick knee is about to give out!"

I don't like to use them as a way to say "owwie, I'd rather you didn't...." And they don't get used that way. I feel, as a top, entitled to read and evaluate and vote on my bottom's "no, stop, don'ts"

Also, how often have I heard red? Once, and that was the point of the scene I was watching for the person to be group-verbally abused till he called red. I think that bottoms are loathe to call red to stop the scene particularly because it does feel like they have too much control, or will disappoint.

I often ask experienced bottoms what to look for, how they themselves know what their expressions are to be. I like hearing "I go really quiet when I'm happy" or "I go really quiet when I'm in a bad spot" and the more time I spend with someone, the more I know.

My partner gets a little catlike smile when he's enjoying pain, or braces and gets rigid when he's masochistically in a good spot. He curls in shoulders when he's experiencing the pain in a psychologically shitty way. We're all different.

 

[Technodivinitas]

I'm not sure where I was reading this now that I think of it, (not here, I don't think...) but someone suggested that while a safeword was all well and good, having a whole bunch of different ones, for different levels or whatnot, seems like just a good way to hand the bottom control of the scene. I'm inclined to agree. The whole point to having a safeword is to be able to come to a SCREETCHING HALT. To say in no uncertain terms, "Something Is Wrong". Having all those levels, to me seems like a way to complicate things. What does one need green for? If you don't want to stop, why use any word? Why differentiate between emotional, psychological, and physical barriers?

As others have said- Hey, if it works for ya, cool, but for me it just complicates things, and thereby makes it just a little less likely that in an emergency, I'd remember which word to say, and a little less likely that my Top will know in a split second what I need him/her to do.

 

[SkyBluAngelEyes]

The man I scened with, I trusted with my life. Yet, I still would not have gone into a scene or play without one.

Like graceanne's scenario above, things can go to far.
The cries that the top may hear may be giving him for fuel for his fire, while she is being serious in her pleas.

I would be terrified to play or scene without one. Truly terrified.

 

[Evaleastaristev]

I've been thinking about this for a time....and some people might think I'm nuts, but my safeword is "Stop." There are some very good reasons for this, the main one being that when I actually need to safeword I'm too far gone to remember anything else. I also never use that word in anything unless I absolutely mean it.

Master understands this, and he knows that when I say it I mean it, so it works out for us. It probably helps a lot that we've known eachother for over three years and truly got to know eachother before entering into this relationship.

Alright, you may now tell me just how wrong I am to use "Stop" as my safeword.

 

[SkyBluAngelEyes]

<snip>Alright, you may now tell me just how wrong I am to use "Stop" as my safeword.

There are a plethora of articles out there telling you that "stop" should not be used as a safeword for obvious reasons.

If you and your Master are comfortable with using that word, I see nothing wrong with that. It's what *you* feel comfortable with.

 

[Evaleastaristev]

There are a plethora of articles out there telling you that "stop" should not be used as a safeword for obvious reasons.

If you and your Master are comfortable with using that word, I see nothing wrong with that. It's what *you* feel comfortable with.

Yeah, I've read a lot of the articles.....but to me, a safeword is something that I can remember even when my brain isn't working properly for any number of reasons. Stop is the only word that can remain in my mind for all that. I don't have any warning at all between my being just fine with everything and having to stop, so "stop" is the only word in my mind at that point.

Once I learn my cues better, I'm sure my safeword will change. But for now, it's the only owrd I can safely use.

 

[esclave_PP]

Myst, since I am a "slave" I do not have any safe word. This puts the majority of the responsibility on Master. If you have an in person Master, then he will know your limits. It is only dangerous if you have a top who doesn't have self-control. Master has never damaged me. You can read the clause in my contract in my blog (just click on it below).

 

[Technodivinitas]

Alright, you may now tell me just how wrong I am to use "Stop" as my safeword.

You are SOOO WRONNNNG! YKINOK!!!! (For those not already familiar with the acronym, that's: Your Kink Is NOT OK!)

You know you'll never get that from us, sweety. Plus, Master always was the sort to break rules just because they were there. *LOL* Your SW works fine for you. Plus, far as I know, you're more painslut than psyche-slut, anyhow, and while I haven't been in on any of your play, I don't really picture you confusing Master by begging for him to stop just for the fun of begging. If you said stop to me, I'd totally believe you.

 

[graceanne]

It would seem to me that stop would make a fine safe word as long as you only use it when it's needed. If you aren't the type to yell stop, no, or owwie as a natural course of your scene, then as long as he understands, that's all that counts.

 

[Netzach]

I've been thinking about this for a time....and some people might think I'm nuts, but my safeword is "Stop." There are some very good reasons for this, the main one being that when I actually need to safeword I'm too far gone to remember anything else. I also never use that word in anything unless I absolutely mean it.

Master understands this, and he knows that when I say it I mean it, so it works out for us. It probably helps a lot that we've known eachother for over three years and truly got to know eachother before entering into this relationship.

Alright, you may now tell me just how wrong I am to use "Stop" as my safeword.

"Stop" certainly gets a listen when we're at it too. My boy is not into resistance and struggle and simply would not say it unless there was a good reason, however fargone he was.

The point of silly out of place words like "monkey" is so that it lets people who want to scream and protest and howl bloody murder license to do that without confusing a Top if and when some kind of emergency does arise.

Green-light words are good for SM virgins who don't know what a bunny fur mitt feels like let alone a flogger, God love 'em.

Another thought I had...

D/s is not the only way that people get involved in sadomasochistic activity.

There are some people who don't give a rat's ass if the bottom *is* controlling what happens to them. While that's problematic for a lot of D/s people, it's not a concern to everyone all the time. There are times I'm playing for the pleasure of playing, it's not about subjugating but about the pleasure of rough activity.

Controlling what happens to you/limiting it does NOT mean you are telling the other person what to do and how to do it, after all.

I've done scenes where I've implemented a "rating system" for sensation and had my boy rate whacks, it's an important part of training someone onto a higher pain tolerance (and you can bet I have that agenda)

Was I limited by it? Inasmuch as I was happy to be limited by it. It can be a good informational tool if you don't take the whole thing altogether too personally.

I believe in the point of no return kind of relationship where there's no safeword, however only after the establishment of tons of groundwork. Even with a slave, the slave has a duty to tell me they think they might be damaged in ways I don't intend, and a safeword acts as a "listen up" so that I can then evaluate their thoughts/feelings and ask the pertinent questions.

 

[serijules]

It would seem to me that stop would make a fine safe word as long as you only use it when it's needed. If you aren't the type to yell stop, no, or owwie as a natural course of your scene, then as long as he understands, that's all that counts.

I agree, this is exactly why "master" or "mistress" makes a good safeword for me. My relationships with people do not include these titles, and I do not roleplay, so while they would not work in the least for many people, they suit me fine.

 

[RavenSpirit2k4]

Another thought I had...

D/s is not the only way that people get involved in sadomasochistic activity.

There are some people who don't give a rat's ass if the bottom *is* controlling what happens to them. While that's problematic for a lot of D/s people, it's not a concern to everyone all the time. There are times I'm playing for the pleasure of playing, it's not about subjugating but about the pleasure of rough activity.

Controlling what happens to you/limiting it does NOT mean you are telling the other person what to do and how to do it, after all.

Yes! Thank you for pointing this out, Netzach. Not every scene with pain or whatever has to be a total domination trip for the top; sometimes it can just be fun for both. Often it seems there's a prevalent attitude that if you're not establishing your dominance in every session it means you're an incompetent dom/me.

Oh, and just in case anyone is interested, the safeword I've trained mine to use is "mayday". The safe action is snapping the fingers - I always check that he can snap his fingers when he's bound and gagged. That way he doesn't have to concentrate on holding onto something.

 

[serijules]

The safe action is snapping the fingers - I always check that he can snap his fingers when he's bound and gagged. That way he doesn't have to concentrate on holding onto something.

I like that. Too bad I can't snap my fingers :-/

 

[Evaleastaristev]

You are SOOO WRONNNNG! YKINOK!!!! (For those not already familiar with the acronym, that's: Your Kink Is NOT OK!)

You know you'll never get that from us, sweety. Plus, Master always was the sort to break rules just because they were there. *LOL* Your SW works fine for you. Plus, far as I know, you're more painslut than psyche-slut, anyhow, and while I haven't been in on any of your play, I don't really picture you confusing Master by begging for him to stop just for the fun of begging. If you said stop to me, I'd totally believe you.

I know that you and Master are okay with it. I was interested in what others might think of it.