SAFE, sane, consensual.

[dolf]

Here's my gripe...

"Doms" who don't thoroughly research the possible consequences of their ideas before deciding a sub should play guinea pig.

Controlling a sub is a serious responsibility. S/he’s not a toy. You can’t glue it back together or return it to the store.

When the obvious & sometimes serious health risks are pointed out?
“Oh…I hadn’t thought of that…”

Is it too much to expect them to act like adults?
Am I being unreasonable?
Why is the scene full of people like this?
And what are the most stupid suggestions you’ve heard?

 

[Luvkitty33]

Wow, this is a very scary thought, especially for people who are completely new to the scene! I tend to be an extremely trusting person.....to a fault according to my family, so I suppose I'm really going to have to deal with that part of myself if I'm going to continue delving into the submissive side of myself in a safe manner. I know from my reading on this message board that safety is a HUGE issue, but I guess I was kind of feeling a little bit complacent in that area because of the way most of the Doms have presented themselves here. Thank you for the reminder, Dolf, that not all Doms are going to put the safety of subs at the top of their priority list and that I definitely need to.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Oh it takes all sorts and unfortunately, not all those who call themselves Dom/me have engaged their brain cells before letting their lust filled thoughts run free.

Catalina

 

[RawHumor]

Wow, this is a very scary thought, especially for people who are completely new to the scene! I tend to be an extremely trusting person.....to a fault according to my family, so I suppose I'm really going to have to deal with that part of myself if I'm going to continue delving into the submissive side of myself in a safe manner. I know from my reading on this message board that safety is a HUGE issue, but I guess I was kind of feeling a little bit complacent in that area because of the way most of the Doms have presented themselves here. Thank you for the reminder, Dolf, that not all Doms are going to put the safety of subs at the top of their priority list and that I definitely need to.

Yeah... you really do have to look out for yourself. A good Dom will keep your safety in mind, possibly making it #1 priority, but not all doms really have experience beyond reading porn and their own masturbatory fantasies.

 

[Softouch911]

My scary story of the morning:

a house party -- a dom who has seen a demo of fire play promises a bottom he knows what he's doing.

So he's going to start with the alcohol just after she's been liberally coated with wax in a candle scene.

Salvation -- the house was owned by the domme who had given the fire play demo and she arrived on the scene in time.

The bottom was experienced but took the newbie fireman at his word rather than asking for and checking out references.

G'day,
ST

 

[myinnerslut]

when A and i first started, i had done a lot more research on the subject of BDSM. he would bring up a topic, i would point out the safety issues, and he would adjust for that. i felt at one point like i was being un-subby by alwyas telling him what the issues were. i told him this and he replied something along the lines of "nonesense. i want you to tell me becuase i would hate to hurt you by accident if you knew something i didnt and kept it to yourself."

 

[dolf]

Wow, this is a very scary thought, especially for people who are completely new to the scene! I tend to be an extremely trusting person.....to a fault according to my family, so I suppose I'm really going to have to deal with that part of myself if I'm going to continue delving into the submissive side of myself in a safe manner. I know from my reading on this message board that safety is a HUGE issue, but I guess I was kind of feeling a little bit complacent in that area because of the way most of the Doms have presented themselves here. Thank you for the reminder, Dolf, that not all Doms are going to put the safety of subs at the top of their priority list and that I definitely need to.

it's really important to remember that just because he claims experience & knowledge, doesn't mean he has it.

on lit we get used to these WONDERFUL dom/mes. really exceptional people in the scene. the regulars here are pretty much the best you could hope for in a top.

rl is rarely this good. look long & hard for the good ones. don't put yourself at risk

 

[dolf]

Yeah... you really do have to look out for yourself. A good Dom will keep your safety in mind, possibly making it #1 priority, but not all doms really have experience beyond reading porn and their own masturbatory fantasies.

this is the real problem.

they think jacking to it means they know what they're doing.

 

[Homburg]

That exact attitude is one of the big reasons why I'm not active in the Scene locally. Too many swaggering jackasses (male and female) that don't have the humility to recognise their own incompetence and seek instruction. I'm not some technique guru, and consider myself a newb, but I am smart enough to stay the hell away from edgeplay without doing crazy amounts of research. and, even as anti-social as I am, I will seek actual instruction before I touch certain things.

And example would be caning. My gals are terrified of it, "v" just because, but "w" because her former master was one of those swaggering dickweeds and he harmed her regularly. I am interested in it because I've read some amazing accounts, but I won't touch a cane until I've found someone that really knows their way around one to show me, period.

The day I stop being afraid of accidentally harming my submissive is the day that I hang up my crop.

 

[RJMasters]

Not being able to seperate fantasy from reality.

Perhaps the biggest gripe about online Doms or subs for that matter who do not have the restrictions of reality placed upon them to deal with and face. This causes a disconnect between having to be responsible.

Those who have read something or seen something and think that somehow makes them expereinced enough to do it, when in reality reading/watching is not the same as doing....see seperating fantasy from reality above.

Not having the ability to understand that each person is different mentally, emotionaly and physically and having a 10' thick cock shove roughly in one person's ass might make them scream with exctasy, while with another person it just might make them scream.

The biggest reasons, is simply a lack of:

Maturity
Selfcontrol
Care or respect of others
Experience

 

[subkitty72]

Wow, this is a very scary thought, especially for people who are completely new to the scene! I tend to be an extremely trusting person.....to a fault according to my family, so I suppose I'm really going to have to deal with that part of myself if I'm going to continue delving into the submissive side of myself in a safe manner. I know from my reading on this message board that safety is a HUGE issue, but I guess I was kind of feeling a little bit complacent in that area because of the way most of the Doms have presented themselves here. Thank you for the reminder, Dolf, that not all Doms are going to put the safety of subs at the top of their priority list and that I definitely need to.

Zoinks!

Thanks for the heads up, dolf.

Like Luvkitty, i tend to be extremely trusting and irritatingly naive.

 

[Homburg]

An anecdote on excessive trust:

Years ago, I went to a goth club with friends. I'm there in a green polo and tan khakis, looking dead normal, and I had a young man, and then later a young woman, walk up and take off their collars and offer them to me. The young woman kneeled before me when she offered.

I'd done nothing to solicit this. My submissive was not with me. Apparently, I pinged hard on some sort of submissives' DomDAR and they came to me. No words, no questions, just offered collars.

I politely thanked them, said no, and sent them on their way. It stupefied me. My friends still talk about it wondering why, as, up until recently, I kept that part of my life away from my friends (and wish I'd kept up with that practice *grumble*)

In retrospect, I should have done the right then and had a talk with those two young people about trust, getting to know someone, the depth of what they were offering to me, and just how bloody badly that could have turned out.

I still sometimes wonder what happened to them. I wonder if they found someone that did take those collars and wonder what sort of malignant abuse happened as a result. Or, hell, maybe they lucked out. *shrug* Maybe they were looking for that sort of abuse. No clue.

And it still weirds me out that they picked my very non-Goth, non-Leather, no-crop-having self out as the guy that they should offer a collar too. Neither one of them did that to anyone else that I saw. It had me wondering if I'd someone put on the "I'm a Dom!" sign and didn't know it....

Then again, when I told them later, both my gals just sort of nodded like it was normal to them. To quote "w" I "reek of Dominance".

Makes me wonder if there is DomDAR like there is GayDAR. I'm afraid that I'm going to get bombarded with a bunch of "Well, duh!" posts for asking that...

Hell, maybe it's just some sort of esoteric Goth thing that I don't get (Homburg /= goth, though I do find goth girls hot as fuck*), but when my Dominant self is offered a collar by a kneeling, respectful, trembling, and mildly cute submissive, I'm thinking totally different things.



* - Do a Google search on MC Frontalot and see if you can grab the mp3 of "Goth girls". That song owns.

 

[myinnerslut]

......

 

[SheDevilShay]

when A and i first started, i had done a lot more research on the subject of BDSM. he would bring up a topic, i would point out the safety issues, and he would adjust for that. i felt at one point like i was being un-subby by alwyas telling him what the issues were. i told him this and he replied something along the lines of "nonesense. i want you to tell me becuase i would hate to hurt you by accident if you knew something i didnt and kept it to yourself."

This is how my dom feels.. luckily he's in the medical field and used to be a pro athelete.. so he knows "alot" about how "bodies" work....

One thing I want to add... is I think many people "play" at this... they are the Kink... they get off on anger... they don't really care about their sub....

To me (and it may be a unliked opinion but its my own) a Dom never strikes in anger or during Anger.. he is cold and calculated and in control of himself (or herself...) Punishing a sub shouldn't be done just to cause pain, that doesn't teach them what they did wrong....

A spanking while sayihng "you were being rude *smack* I am punishing you because you were disrespectful "smack" you shamed me "smack".....

I somehow think that would get through to more subs then just smacking them for no reason at any given time with out an explination....

 

[Netzach]

Devil's advocacy - It's really important to understand consequences and the nature of any tool you purport to use, and any person you purport to play with.

1. I made a two year career out of playing with people I'd just met. This is probably the neatest trick I learned as a prodomme. There is nothing wrong with playing with someone you just met - it's like SM itself - you know you are in a higher risk situation if you do. What are you doing to protect yourself top, what are you doing to take care of yourself bottom? If you bottom in such a scene you MAY have to do more of you own aftercare than if you know the other person and have an agreement on it. You MAY have to be more vigilant about your safety even as you bottom than if you know them well. Tops, you MAY have a meltdown or a situation you don't like arise. What are you willing to just stop a scene and walk away if you get it? What are you going to do if you have a meltdown? These are the things one needs to put in their mental toybag to do this to some extent.

For some people RISK and UKNOWN are important forces of hotness.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to get it on with someone purely because they are physically attractive to you in a club. This used to be a norm in leather - disease killed that off, not bad topping.

I totally respect people who don't want to do speedily negotiated or un-negotiated play - but that doesn't mean people who do are "insane."


2. While you can do damage with a toy, I can't begin to count how many more times I hear "and the clueless idiot or the often violent asshole who sliced my ass wide open."

I do not hear "and the kind of tentative slow, sort of boring scene that ended in my ass being sliced wide open"

I get really angry when I see bad people and bad moments keeping good people and people whose immediate impulse is to start things slowly and figure out how to hit harder in a logical progression AWAY from challenging play.

If I had not fallen in with some edge players who took a look at me and said "you're not an asshole, you're smart enough to do this, here try this..." I would still never have touched a singletail or a cane.

Yes a cane can cause really bad damage - if you are either completely ignorant, totally malicious, and you have no control over it AND you are using it with great force.

People with any kind of basic sense are going to take the time to learn to control it, read a book or an article, and maybe take a swat with one or beat up their inner thighs a bit. That's pretty much it. To get *good* with that toy, you are going to need a bottom.

I hate the kind of magical thinking woo woo that keeps otherwise totally competent people from learning singletail, and doesn't dissuade overcompensating idiots at all, in fact I think the "magic elite" aspect draws them out in greater numbers than anything.

 

[Luvkitty33]

it's really important to remember that just because he claims experience & knowledge, doesn't mean he has it.

on lit we get used to these WONDERFUL dom/mes. really exceptional people in the scene. the regulars here are pretty much the best you could hope for in a top.

rl is rarely this good. look long & hard for the good ones. don't put yourself at risk

I feel kind of stuck here. I don't know how to take the next step to even explore my submissive side. I've talked to a couple of people online/phone, but as you said, this in no way compares to real life..........even without having experienced it I understand that fact. BUT, how do I safely take the next step? I read someone's comment on Lit. that was something to the effect of already knowing what you want before looking for it, but if you're new to EVERYTHING involving the lifestyle, how do you know what you will really like in real life?

Also, as Dolf mentioned above, just because a dom claims to have experience and knowledge doesn't mean he has it. How does someone like me know the difference, and how do I go about meeting one of the "good ones".....the right one, without putting myself at risk, as Dolf said?

Over and over I've read on Lit. that people say that online and phone experiences aren't real, and I agree with that to a CERTAIN extent, but if you're not already in a relationship with someone, don't you have to start somewhere? And where should that somewhere be? I've heard of munches, but if you don't have any friends interested in the lifestyle, is it really safe to go to something like that by yourself?

This can be extremely frustrating for a newbie because of the need for extra vigilance when it comes to safety, for one.

 

[dolf]

if you check out your local munch, or make friends with local subbies online, they can tell which doms to avoid and which are worth playing with...if you're into play.

if it's with a partner then you BOTH need to educate yourselves on the proper way to do things.
read, google, find out the risks, build up to things.

and never be afraid to safeword over safety concerns!
it's better to feel silly or to spoil his fun than to risk your health {or in some cases, maybe your life}.

that's my thoughts on it anyway.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I feel kind of stuck here. I don't know how to take the next step to even explore my submissive side. I've talked to a couple of people online/phone, but as you said, this in no way compares to real life..........even without having experienced it I understand that fact. BUT, how do I safely take the next step? I read someone's comment on Lit. that was something to the effect of already knowing what you want before looking for it, but if you're new to EVERYTHING involving the lifestyle, how do you know what you will really like in real life?

Also, as Dolf mentioned above, just because a dom claims to have experience and knowledge doesn't mean he has it. How does someone like me know the difference, and how do I go about meeting one of the "good ones".....the right one, without putting myself at risk, as Dolf said?

Over and over I've read on Lit. that people say that online and phone experiences aren't real, and I agree with that to a CERTAIN extent, but if you're not already in a relationship with someone, don't you have to start somewhere? And where should that somewhere be? I've heard of munches, but if you don't have any friends interested in the lifestyle, is it really safe to go to something like that by yourself?

This can be extremely frustrating for a newbie because of the need for extra vigilance when it comes to safety, for one.

I am in no way an expert on finding a Dom, nor do I have extensive experience. But I can give share with you my own experience. If you are looking for a Dom as more than a play partner then build the relationship first. I wasn't even looking for a Dom when I met mine (I had fantasies of a D/s relationship but because I am such a safety freak and I have a husband and kids I just wasn't going to take any chances) well...I met this guy on-line and I found out that he was an experienced Dom who had left the lifestyle after the relationship with his last submissive ended. He and I talked on-line and phone almost daily for 5 months before we finally met in person. After all that time the relationship was more important to me than the BDSM aspects of it. (and to him also). Maybe I was just lucky but it seems to me that when you build trust and devotion in the relationship first then it is much easier to trust and feel safe when it comes to the BDSM aspect of the relationship.