Sadist's guilt

[LallyH]

Husband (longterm) and I have only started playing with toys over the past year (at my request cos im a natural sub). We're good friends, have a great time, and through constant communication and taking slow steps, we've overcome his initial concerns about hurting me in case he went too far due to his inexperience. Now we have a new problem - he is feeling guilty because he is getting very aroused when he's hurting/humiliating me. I know there's no magic answer to this and I'm sure we'll overcome this as well in time, but I just wondered if anyone else has felt the same way so I can tell him he's not on his own?

 

[twister947]

I would have a very difficult time hurting someone, no matter how much he/she wanted it. So, he is certainly not alone.

My first take, however, went like this: If you get aroused when he hurts you, and he gets aroused when he hurts you, it sounds like equipoise of the finest kind. Embrace the gift.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Yay for you two!

And yes indeed lots of people have trouble with their own inclinations, as they go so completely opposite what we need in regular society.

If you are readers, I like to recommend three books-- "the New Bottoming Book" "The New Topping Book" and "The Loving Dominant."

 

[Bramblethorn]

Now we have a new problem - he is feeling guilty because he is getting very aroused when he's hurting/humiliating me. I know there's no magic answer to this and I'm sure we'll overcome this as well in time, but I just wondered if anyone else has felt the same way so I can tell him he's not on his own?

I get this a lot. IMHO it's a natural and healthy reaction. There is nothing morally objectionable about BDSM when done right, but that "done right" bit requires mindfulness, and the guilt assists with the mindfulness.

 

[LallyH]

Thanks for your answers, everyone . I'll get hold of the books you suggested and ask him to read them. I'm having a great time with what we're doing and, whilst I respect how he feels and I know it's a reflection of the person he is, I'm looking forward to the day when he can let the guilt go.

 

[knot_sweet]

Yay for you two!

And yes indeed lots of people have trouble with their own inclinations, as they go so completely opposite what we need in regular society.

If you are readers, I like to recommend three books-- "the New Bottoming Book" "The New Topping Book" and "The Loving Dominant."

^^^^^ this and I'm really glad you two are making this work for you.

Those are great books, and ones I had J read when he had guilt issues over hurting me even a little bit.

He still wouldn't hurt me beyond anything more than light red marks but it wasn't out of guilt anymore, it's just he had his own lines he wouldn't cross because it didn't do anything for him. Bad pain noises weren't a turn on, good pain noises were. Even if sometimes bad pain works for me.

When I was in sub mode for him, it was just part of the rules and I could either accept and submit to that, or not.

You and your husband will find and push your limits together. And I wish you all the best while you do!!

 

[MsShelbyann]

My husband had a problem with this at first. Funny how quickly he got over it.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I dunno... the first time a girl cried when I spanked her, I think my cock could have been used as the drillbit in a jackhammer. I had spanked a number of girls before that time, but not to the point of tears. It had always excited me, but that time was truly memorable.

I felt the guilt later. "You don't hurt other people, especially girls/women." "It's not nice to take pleasure in someone else's pain, especially if YOU caused it." I decided I wasn't going to spank her again.

The next time we were alone together, SHE decided that wasn't my choice as she flopped over my thighs and pushed her shorts and panties down... and she cried again, and I came in my pants as she thrust up and down against the bulge in them.

I got over the guilt.

There is, especially in Western society, an engrained cultural bias against (1) causing pain for others and (2) *liking* to cause pain for others. I overcame that bias largely through her intervention, and the discovery that certain people *like* to have others provide pain for them.

 

[MsShelbyann]

I often cry and sob.

 

[LallyH]

Like Sir Winston's said, there are two guilt issues: causing pain in the first place esp man to woman, and then being aroused by causing pain. We've got over the first one to a large extent simply because he sees how much I enjoy it, although I daren't let him see me cry because I know that is a BIG issue for him. Perhaps because we're longterm partners I don't get the level of emotional distress during scenes that I've read about others having, so it's just the pain level that would make me cry. It's only the cane that gets me near that, but he only ever uses that when I'm lying down so I can hide the odd tear in the pillow. Although I would like higher intensity pain, I'm not going to push him on that until we get over this current guilt problem. Thanks for all your comments, by the way. I find this forum the most helpful and supportive I've been on

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

What's great is that he IS getting aroused by causing you pain. If it didn't do anything for him, then how much more difficult that would be.

As has been noted, guilt can be overcome when you get how much someone is enjoying the pain you're dishing out. Indifference, on the other hand, mostly ain't going anywhere.

It arouses you. It arouses him. SCORE!

I predict the power of your common arousal will win, and Guilt will not advance to the Final Four.

 

[Salenku]

What's great is that he IS getting aroused by causing you pain. If it didn't do anything for him, then how much more difficult that would be.

As has been noted, guilt can be overcome when you get how much someone is enjoying the pain you're dishing out. Indifference, on the other hand, mostly ain't going anywhere.

It arouses you. It arouses him. SCORE!

I predict the power of your common arousal will win, and Guilt will not advance to the Final Four.

If I could be as lucky as Lally H!

Sounds like you guys have it made. So chill, take it slow, and talk to each other. Because yeah, the guilt is a temporary thing, most likely.