First timer looking for advice

[Valentyna]

Hi, Im a first-time poster (long time lurker!) and I thought Id pop my forum cherry with a request for advice.

First, a bit of backstory is probably necessary. Im an older woman with 2 kids, living with my partner, but also dealing with chronic pain and disability from a spinal injury. None of this really matter for my question, but it might put some things into perspective!

I've always considered myself to be a sub. My first proper relationship might well have led to something, but since then I've always managed to get myself into really quite vanilla stuff (it's ridiculously hard to find anyone in the lifestyle where I live). When I met my partner we did discuss stuff, and I think he'd be an amazing Dom(he's played a bit in the past and said he enjoyed it!) but things are tricky with my spine as it is, and it's been quite a while since we did much more than sleep in the bedroom. I'm naturally shy but still find him attractive, and I'm not very good at telling him what I need.

I know he's anxious about hurting me, so my question is basically this: I'm hoping to help him develop his dominant side, but I'm very aware that large parts of the lifestyle are impossible or at least potentially dangerous. Is there a good place to start for a couple with very limited experience that wouldn't be too taxing? Once we start I'm sure we'll be able to figure out other stuff, but I want him to be confident that we're safe in the beginning!

Sorry for the wall of text, and thanks for any responses!

 

[lisaharlot]

Hi, Im a first-time poster (long time lurker!) and I thought Id pop my forum cherry with a request for advice.

First, a bit of backstory is probably necessary. Im an older woman with 2 kids, living with my partner, but also dealing with chronic pain and disability from a spinal injury. None of this really matter for my question, but it might put some things into perspective!

I've always considered myself to be a sub. My first proper relationship might well have led to something, but since then I've always managed to get myself into really quite vanilla stuff (it's ridiculously hard to find anyone in the lifestyle where I live). When I met my partner we did discuss stuff, and I think he'd be an amazing Dom(he's played a bit in the past and said he enjoyed it!) but things are tricky with my spine as it is, and it's been quite a while since we did much more than sleep in the bedroom. I'm naturally shy but still find him attractive, and I'm not very good at telling him what I need.

I know he's anxious about hurting me, so my question is basically this: I'm hoping to help him develop his dominant side, but I'm very aware that large parts of the lifestyle are impossible or at least potentially dangerous. Is there a good place to start for a couple with very limited experience that wouldn't be too taxing? Once we start I'm sure we'll be able to figure out other stuff, but I want him to be confident that we're safe in the beginning!

Sorry for the wall of text, and thanks for any

i think fingernails are a great starting point. They’re free, quiet and accessible. They’re also easy yo start out light and increase. Be sure to lay it on thick once he starts to let him know you’re enjoying yourself. Have fun!

 

[Valentyna]

Ooh I do like that idea, thanks! I think he's so afraid of possibly damaging my spine that he's scared to touch me, so that's something nice and easy to start. Hopefully he'll trust me to know if/when I'm pushing my limits if we take it super slow

 

[Older_Pervert]

Ooh I do like that idea, thanks! I think he's so afraid of possibly damaging my spine that he's scared to touch me, so that's something nice and easy to start. Hopefully he'll trust me to know if/when I'm pushing my limits if we take it super slow

There are lots of things you can do symbolically to show him your submission, Valentyna, that don’t necessarily involve impact play or corporal punishment. Removing your pubic hair, for example, or having your nipples/labia pierced for him. Have his initials discreetly tattooed at the top of your thigh. Wear a collar in the bedroom or when you have time alone in the house. Ask him to give you rules of behaviour that you promise to abide by - and accept that punishments will follow failure to adhere to them. And, of course, punishments can be non-impact if necessary; extended edging but orgasm denial for example, or tasks you must complete that involve an element of (safe-ish) public embarrassment or humiliation……

 

[lisaharlot]

Ooh I do like that idea, thanks! I think he's so afraid of possibly damaging my spine that he's scared to touch me, so that's something nice and easy to start. Hopefully he'll trust me to know if/when I'm pushing my limits if we take it super slow

I’m not an expert on spines or anything but it’s my understanding your tits are on the opposite side of your body from it.

 

[barefootgirl69]

I'm going to focus on one thing that you said, and that's "I'm not very good at telling him what I need."

That is an area you need to work on. He needs the feedback, first of all. Well, maybe not first. First is open communication in all things. Let him know this is a concern and you're doing some online research.

 

[wicked woman]

You ask about how to initiate a D/s relationship with your husband but also how to instill confidence that he won't hurt you. They are two completely different questions, as far as I'm concerned. To initiate anything you're going to have to learn to speak up for yourself and discuss what you're interested in and listen to your husband's response. I don't have any magic pill for that. Do it out of bed and with your clothes on and 'just do it'. A D/s relationship is an agreed upon exchange of power between 2 individuals. While for many, it includes a sexual component, it certainly isn't a requirement. The Dom's control can be over anything you two agree to. What would your husband like control over? What control are you prepared to give up? Could be what you wear. Could be over some of your daily activities. Could be over how you address him or 1,000 other things. You two get to decide together. I don't know what level of ability you have but perhaps you are a service submissive. Think outside the sexual arena and start there. If in addition, you want to add sex back into your relationship, that's a whole different situation. I'd start with the two of you visiting your doctor and having an honest discussion about what's possible and what isn't...what precautions to take, possible positions etc. Let your husband ask questions about what concerns him. It may be too much to ask of your husband to dominate you sexually when he has a concern about your physical well-being. That's a big responsibility. It might be better to work on being sexual together, with no power exchange first. Initiate a D/s relationship outside of your sex life first, then after you're both comfortable being sexual together and you've got a D/s relationship outside of sex, you can consider bring the D/s relationship into your sexual life. D/s doesn't need to be full of whips and chains and hurting someone.

 

[thomas1965]

What about practicing obedience?
Do the things you might not like.
Going to a movie with him, even if you are not in the mood.
Let him choose the clothes you have to wear, let him order for you at a restaurant.
Ask permission before you speak.

 

[SirTasksAlot]

Hi, Im a first-time poster (long time lurker!) and I thought Id pop my forum cherry with a request for advice.

First, a bit of backstory is probably necessary. Im an older woman with 2 kids, living with my partner, but also dealing with chronic pain and disability from a spinal injury. None of this really matter for my question, but it might put some things into perspective!

I've always considered myself to be a sub. My first proper relationship might well have led to something, but since then I've always managed to get myself into really quite vanilla stuff (it's ridiculously hard to find anyone in the lifestyle where I live). When I met my partner we did discuss stuff, and I think he'd be an amazing Dom(he's played a bit in the past and said he enjoyed it!) but things are tricky with my spine as it is, and it's been quite a while since we did much more than sleep in the bedroom. I'm naturally shy but still find him attractive, and I'm not very good at telling him what I need.

I know he's anxious about hurting me, so my question is basically this: I'm hoping to help him develop his dominant side, but I'm very aware that large parts of the lifestyle are impossible or at least potentially dangerous. Is there a good place to start for a couple with very limited experience that wouldn't be too taxing? Once we start I'm sure we'll be able to figure out other stuff, but I want him to be confident that we're safe in the beginning!

Sorry for the wall of text, and thanks for any responses!

Clothespins on your tender bits--always a yummy fire-starter. In the mind-fuck realm you can call him Sir/Master and he can call you anything he wants! Speech restrictions, mental bondage. The list goes on.
Much of BDSM isn't physical at all.

 

[sweettalk4u]

Hi, Im a first-time poster (long time lurker!) and I thought Id pop my forum cherry with a request for advice.

First, a bit of backstory is probably necessary. Im an older woman with 2 kids, living with my partner, but also dealing with chronic pain and disability from a spinal injury. None of this really matter for my question, but it might put some things into perspective!

I've always considered myself to be a sub. My first proper relationship might well have led to something, but since then I've always managed to get myself into really quite vanilla stuff (it's ridiculously hard to find anyone in the lifestyle where I live). When I met my partner we did discuss stuff, and I think he'd be an amazing Dom(he's played a bit in the past and said he enjoyed it!) but things are tricky with my spine as it is, and it's been quite a while since we did much more than sleep in the bedroom. I'm naturally shy but still find him attractive, and I'm not very good at telling him what I need.

I know he's anxious about hurting me, so my question is basically this: I'm hoping to help him develop his dominant side, but I'm very aware that large parts of the lifestyle are impossible or at least potentially dangerous. Is there a good place to start for a couple with very limited experience that wouldn't be too taxing? Once we start I'm sure we'll be able to figure out other stuff, but I want him to be confident that we're safe in the beginning!

Sorry for the wall of text, and thanks for any responses!

Start with the mind. Where it goes the body will follow. Nothing too physical is necessary

 

[Kumquatqueen]

How well do you know your body and how you can be safely and enjoyably touched? Teach him everything you know about your body, particularly where and what to avoid but also what can be touched without risk or you being nervous of being hurt in a bad way. If you don't know either, time for both of you to experiment carefully!

What positions can you be in safely and reasonably comfortably? Do you need to be able to move as soon as your body demands it? That would preclude a lot of bondage but there's a lot to be said for lying down on a bed, possibly legs held still with someone's body weight.

Which bits of you aren't affected by the injury? As someone else pointed out, breasts are a good bet. Labia, too. Is it jarring movements you have to avoid, or twisting? Lying down might work. And lots of skin for pinching and scratching.

Pleasurable pain is a great way to distract from chronic unpleasant pain. Knowing that may make your partner much more enthusiastic about giving it a try. Along with anything else you need to tell them, like don't be offended if you fall asleep mid-fuck, or don't panic if you go unconscious for up to 5 minutes, have water to hand for drinking, what massage may feel extra good...

Once you've got basic intimacy down, then go for blindfolds, orders, particular clothes, toys - but you need the safe intimacy first to both feel comfortable.

 

[eomerson]

I don't know what degree of ability you have now with your spinal injury. But, I do think it's relevant! It's important for both of you to feel confident and sexy during sex. And it's possible, with or without disability.

You didn't mention if you use a wheelchair or not, but I'll just send some stuff and then go from there with the kink-specific stuff.

pleasureABLE: Sexual Device Manual for Persons with Disabilities

Sexuality After SCI: Positioning with Partners

SCI Sexual Health: Positioning Handout

Now for the kinky stuff.

Here are some different things you can try. You might not like some ideas, but this is where you can let your imagination go wild depending on your ability, your comfort level, and just what you and your partner want to do for now. Because knowing the options means you can branch out from there.

Mobility/Motor Control/Fatigue:

• Strap on harness (shaped like underwear): If your partner wants to try being penetrated, you can wear a dildo and let him sit on you as you lie down flat. This allows him to control the motions so he feels more comfortable, as well, and you are more physically comfortable.
• Sex swing/chair or sex furniture: Covered in the links above (I think in pleasureABLE). The IntimateRider is one popular example of sex furniture that makes positioning and sexual mobility easier.
• Vibrator: Have your partner use a vibrator on you. Especially nice if you experience diminished sensations, but still nice if you just want to sit or lie back and be teased, tortured, whichever verb works best... Because fancier vibrators can make a multitude of settings. He could use the vibrator to edge you to the brink of death! I'm kidding. But it can be used on your nipples if those are sensitive, on your vulva and particularly your clit. There are also battery-powered self-thrusting dildos. I can envision a scene where he could work you up and/or sexually frustrate you terribly (with or without allowing you release, depending on what you want!). Good for building up tension and desire.

Sensation Play:

• Paddles, whips, floggers, and palms: Whips and floggers tend to give less control to the user since they flex, though the shorter they are, the more ease of control to the user. Paddles tend to be a beginner instrument... so is the open hand! If the paddle gets you excited but you want to start slow, get a paddle without holes in it. This increases drag and slows down the swing, decreasing the force. I would say a good start is a leather paddle (it can be "vegan" or whatever, as long as you remember to clean this thing). You can try to hit the buttocks and upper thighs. Personally, I enjoy giving the vulva a smack, too, and the breasts. But always start slow.
• Silk, feathers, paintbrushes, etc.: Do you still have lots of your sensation in certain places? Do you want to be teased? You can try sensation play with gentler items. You can use your imagination with it and combine tactile things with a whole sensory environment, like lighting scented candles, turning off the lights (or just being blindfolded), playing soothing music... Instead of the usual dirty talk, which is always nice, this could be a time for something more sweet, if you will. Meditative, putting you in the submissive mood. Whatever it is that you want to try!

Role Play:

• You don't need fancy equipment or tools to get in the headspace. The brain is the biggest sex organ. If you two share erotic fantasies that you have and realize there's something you both would like to try, then you can just play it out and see how it goes. It doesn't matter how crazy or weird it seems because it's just play. He's the professor and you're the student? That's fine. He's a hungry, horny werewolf and you're a totally unprepared hunter in the woods? That's fine, too.
• Aftercare: Just added this here to remind you to care for each other after all is said and done. Have a safe word for any type of scene (roleplay or not) in case you suddenly feel unwell, hurt, or emotionally out of it. That way, you or he can revoke consent and stop the scene, and it will be obvious. It's also a good idea to come up with a nonverbal but obvious version of the safe word, like a personal sign between you two, in case you want to do something that physically prevents speaking... or, if you have some other condition or disability that sometimes makes you nonverbal.

Something that is worth thinking about is asking your primary care physician or whatever specialist manages your pain / rehab for your spinal injury. They would know best (along with you) how to accommodate you so you can have a healthy sex life. After all, a good doctor knows that sexual wellbeing is an important part of wellbeing in general. It's constantly being discussed these days.

It might seem embarrassing, but it's worth a shot. You don't have to be super candid to start (worth it to try!), but you can say what you generally want to do and what you're worried about. "I want to try new things while having sex with my partner, but I'm worried about my spinal injury. How can I do this safely?" Something like that.

That is rwally a great post! I am going to forward the info to a friend.