Sadist/non-masochist question

[kristydoll]

I have been trying to do a little research into this topic. It started as a relationship but my own viewpoints probably got in the way of it working out. Here is my question......can someone who is NOT a masochist have a good bdsm relationship with a Sadist?

Is there compromise here? If a Sadist gets something from giving "pain", where is that pleasure coming from? Is there a need on their part (the Sadist) to be able to go to a certain level or is knowing they are inflicting that "pain" enough.

I would appreciate any thoughts you may have on this.

kristy

 

[NemoAlia]

Hmm... Well, I'm not a sadist, so I can't really offer any insight into one's motivations. However, it seems to me (in the rosy world of theorizing and dreaming) that there ought to be a way for two people to have a BDSM relationship that doesn't involve sadism. I mean, of course there's a way to have a BDSM relationship without sadism. (I mean, there's bondage, there's servitude, there's humiliation...) The question is, will the sadist be satisfied with a power exchange that doesn't involve inflicting pain on his/her submissive? And if he/she weren't satisfied, how far would the submissive go to please his/her Dom/me? Would that sort of reluctant acquiescence to pain be healthy, if pain had started off as a 'hard limit?'

Seems to me that it mostly depends on the two people involved. Heh -- what a weak sort of answer, but I don't know what else to offer. I'm sure you'll get much more pithy advice from the other folks on this board. Welcome!

 

[artful]

I have been trying to do a little research into this topic. It started as a relationship but my own viewpoints probably got in the way of it working out. Here is my question......can someone who is NOT a masochist have a good bdsm relationship with a Sadist?

Is there compromise here? If a Sadist gets something from giving "pain", where is that pleasure coming from? Is there a need on their part (the Sadist) to be able to go to a certain level or is knowing they are inflicting that "pain" enough.

I would appreciate any thoughts you may have on this.

kristy

I wouldn't think this would be a relationship to pusue. Why? Because you KNOW there is an area where you won't be able to please him. Is it possible that a sadist could get things worked out with another? Sure,...but now ya gotta be honest with yourself,...is that REALLY the kind of relationship you want?

(JMHO)

 

[MsWorthy]

I have been trying to do a little research into this topic. It started as a relationship but my own viewpoints probably got in the way of it working out. Here is my question......can someone who is NOT a masochist have a good bdsm relationship with a Sadist?

Is there compromise here? If a Sadist gets something from giving "pain", where is that pleasure coming from? Is there a need on their part (the Sadist) to be able to go to a certain level or is knowing they are inflicting that "pain" enough.

I would appreciate any thoughts you may have on this.

kristy

I think compromise is always possible. If a couple feels they have established a valuable relationship, giving up something to save it, is worth the sacrifice, especially if the sadist's needs are mild (sounds like an oxymoron doesn't it, one who self-identifies as a sadist is not usually going to have mild s/m needs).

However, I agree with Art. What is the point of going into a relationship knowing you are not going to be able to meet your dom/me's needs? It seems like a guarantee for failure.

 

[WriterDom]

I think it would have a better chance than a masochist would with someone who wasn't a Sadist. Couldn't masochism be learned if the Dom went in baby steps over time?

 

[MsWorthy]

I think it would have a better chance than a masochist would with someone who wasn't a Sadist. Couldn't masochism be learned if the Dom went in baby steps over time?

I don't think the desire can be learned if it isn't already there to some degree. My partner and I have toyed with s/m and have each enjoyed it to some extent. I think a problem would arise if one of the couple had moderate-to-strong s/m needs and the other was "just" playing along for the pleasure of her/his partner. At some point, the one who has s/m needs would become dissatisfied, because although I think most people can eroticize some pain (spanking, nipple stim), if one is not a masochist, anything more intense will simply hurt, or in the case of an *acting* sadist, the emotional/moral dilemma of *hurting* a loved one would present too much difficulty.

Speaking for myself (and my s/m desires are mild), I find that my urge to create pain/discomfort/intense stimulation increases as we play at the same "old" things. I want more. I want to push the envelop or it becomes boring. I begin to feel that I am *just* doing what she likes, and as a dominant (whether sadist or not) that is not what I am interested in. If it is easy for her to handle the stimulation I offer, the inherent need of a sadist (creating intense stim) will not be met. At some point, it seems to me, one or the other would become unhappy/unfulfilled in such a relationship.

So, in the long term, I don't think it would work.

~Too many / * " [bold], makes it hard to read, yes? I hope not~

 

[MissTaken]

It seems that with open communication and a bit of research done together, you may be able to find the activities that would meet both your needs.

As a sadist, there may be things that don't involve extreme pain that he would enjoy, that you would also enjoy.

Is sadism always about pain, I wonder?

Or could a sadist simply be satisfied with bondage and light play, i.e. breast play, spanking softly, that sort of thing?

As others have said, in a well established relationship, compromise should be possible. IN a new relationship or while exploring a potential relationship, it would be best to consider where your priorities lie. Starting a D/s relationship wherein your interests are not on the same page could be a huge mistake and lead to hurt on the part of both of you.

Best wishes

 

[MsWorthy]

Is sadism always about pain, I wonder?

Or could a sadist simply be satisfied with bondage and light play, i.e. breast play, spanking softly, that sort of thing?

I think sensual sadism is about giving/inflicting pain or intense sensation on another for sexual gratification.

B/d is about bondage and discipline (play/spanking/*punishment*) for sexual gratification.

The two can certainly overlap, but I think if one defines oneself as a sadist, what she/he is looking for is intense sensation, not *just* soft spanking or breast play.

Of course, anyone can self-describe however they like; this is my interpretation of these playstyles.

 

[zipman]

Is sadism always about pain, I wonder?

Or could a sadist simply be satisfied with bondage and light play, i.e. breast play, spanking softly, that sort of thing?

Best wishes

As a sadist, I think there are different levels of pain that a sadist would wish to administer. I consider myself somewhat sadistic (which is different than being a little pregnant) in that there it is definitely a turn for me to twist my subs nipples, see alook of pain on her face, and enjoy her submission to me in not yelling out or asking me to stop. Having said that, I have seen women who have had their asses beaten with a cane to a point that I would not want to do.

However, even for a sadist, there needs to be that feeling of administering actual pain. Therefore, I think that you might do better with someone who is only interested in bondage or light play.

 

[Ebonyfire]

My answer

I would think if there is a relationship is involved, it would be like a marriage where one partner likes sex and the other does not.

Sooner or later, the partner who likes sex is gonna sneak off to get some sex on the side.

Sooner or later, the sadist will look outside the relationship to satisfy the desire for S & M play. With or without the knowledge of the partner.



Just my 2 cents worth
Ebony

 

[zipman]

Re: My answer

I would think if there is a relationship is involved, it would be like a marriage where one partner likes sex and the other does not.

Sooner or later, the partner who likes sex is gonna sneak off to get some sex on the side.

Sooner or later, the sadist will look outside the relationship to satisfy the desire for S & M play. With or without the knowledge of the partner.



Just my 2 cents worth
Ebony

I agree with you completely Ebony! Either they look for it elsewhere, or become resentful for what the sadist wants but cannot get. I have become resentful myself when in vanilla relationships and it really sucks!!

By the way Ebony, I really enjoy your posts!

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: My answer

I agree with you completely Ebony! Either they look for it elsewhere, or become resentful for what the sadist wants but cannot get. I have become resentful myself when in vanilla relationships and it really sucks!!

By the way Ebony, I really enjoy your posts!

Thanks, I am very opionionated, but like to hear opposing views too. What I have found to be true is that although opposites attract, they cannot make that "leap of faith" if you will, if the chasm is too great.

I think that a relationship between a non-masochistic person and and true sadist is not a good idea. And in my mind it does not matter if the masochist is male or female. Ii puts the need for a great deal of restraint on the back of the sadist. Over time, that may prove to hard a task.

Ebony

 

[Shadowsdream]

My Opinion

What really gets Me turned off in the S/m side of My sexuallity is when a submissive projects a BIG need for extreme pain..and makes such a big deal..over a long period of time how this is something they cannot be happy without.

THEN scream at the first lick of a flogger, crop, cane or My hand. I have found it is the ones that make the biggest deal of needing it, that are the least capable of taking it.

It is not a badge of honor to be able to talk the talk. But not being able to walk the walk AFTER the big talk build up that will bore me into looking somewhere else to satisfy My sadistic side.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Yep!

My Opinion

What really gets Me turned off in the S/m side of My sexuallity is when a submissive projects a BIG need for extreme pain..and makes such a big deal..over a long period of time how this is something they cannot be happy without.

THEN scream at the first lick of a flogger, crop, cane or My hand. I have found it is the ones that make the biggest deal of needing it, that are the least capable of taking it.

It is not a badge of honor to be able to talk the talk. But not being able to walk the walk AFTER the big talk build up that will bore me into looking somewhere else to satisfy My sadistic side.

Reality meets fantasy one more time.

Eb

 

[Shadowsdream]

Ebony

Is it possible We are Siamese Twins that were separated at birth?

hmmmmmm

 

[Ebonyfire]

I do not doubt it!

Ebony

Is it possible We are Siamese Twins that were separated at birth?

hmmmmmm

I was thinking the same thing! I have got to meet you!