Rules & Rituals

[KoPilot]

If somebody wanted me to have any kind of ritual in relationship it would be absolute deal breaker for me. No matter how I thought I loved the guy/gal, I would show them the door asap.

My Mother, who I once respected for her common sense and lack of prejudice, developed such religious fanaticism in past 10 or so years she is considering leaving all her money to TEH church. She is still her old selfish, control freaking bitchy self, but she follows all those praying and kneeling rituals to the letter and thinks she is a model believer.

I never had much of a love bond with her but I could talk to her in the past and trust her views on my problems would be down to earth and helpful. All she tells me now is "you should convert", her mind is completely clogged. It makes me angry and bitter even though I try to respect her faith as in "live and let live" what is something I believe in. On the other hand, she doesnt respect my atheism at all. Her religion is so false I am appalled.

For me, rituals are most of the time just a form people cling on to hide the fact they have little touch with the substance.

If you have coffee every morning, that's a ritual.

Expecting active spontaneity all the time is quite unreasonable, IMO. An action that's repeated with any regularity by either you or a group of people someplace and at some point in time is all a ritual is.

 

[BlondieSinner29]

For the D/s'ers here, I'm just curious. What types of rules and/or rituals do you and your partner have in place (sexual or not)? And what about for being in public or with family members? Do you have private or subtle gestures/rules that keep your dynamic in place in a way that no one vanilla would ever catch onto?

At the moment he went to jail for about a month or two. He'll be out soon. But I think it's funny, how my man thinks he calls the shots because he's an older man, but he can't even wash a dish until five days later. I'm so honest with him, told him about the lovely affair, I had with the moving company guy. But I kept it positive on the phone. There was a moment of silence for his grief but then he realized who was the boss. He laughed.

hehe.. the good news is he's not mad. Because I told him right away. He just said i'd get
a good spanking when he gets out. But oh no! i'm going to spank him first! I'd bail him out
now but I don't have 10,000 dollars anyone interested in helping me put him into debt?

J/k

 

[MeekMe]

^^^?

Not sure what this is actually saying.

 

[StrayKat]

If you have coffee every morning, that's a ritual.00Expecting active spontaneity all the time is quite unreasonable, IMO. An action that's repeated with any regularity by either you or a group of people someplace and at some point in time is all a ritual is.

Isnt ritual something more symbolic and meaningful? Like ceremony.
I do have coffee every morning but I dont have coffee in certain way for certain reason. I clean my house the same way, starting at the same point and doing the same things every time too, but that is because I developed it as most effective approach to cleaning, I wouldnt call it ritual. It would be a ritual if somebody taught me to do it that way and I was repeating it to honor them, no matter if it was efficient or not.

I think for something to be a ritual there should be some deeper meaning, not just repetitiveness.

^^^?

Not sure what this is actually saying.

I might be mistaken but it looks like somebody is gold digging online to me.

 

[KoPilot]

Isnt ritual something more symbolic and meaningful? Like ceremony.
I do have coffee every morning but I dont have coffee in certain way for certain reason. I clean my house the same way, starting at the same point and doing the same things every time too, but that is because I developed it as most effective approach to cleaning, I wouldnt call it ritual. It would be a ritual if somebody taught me to do it that way and I was repeating it to honor them, no matter if it was efficient or not.

I think for something to be a ritual there should be some deeper meaning, not just repetitiveness.

I mean, yeah, most folks use the word "ritual" with a woo-y connotation, but Webster has this definition too:

a series of actions or type of behavior regularly and invariably followed by someone.

There are also lots of psychological benefits to following rituals: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-rituals-work/

"Recent research suggests that rituals may be more rational than they appear. Why? Because even simple rituals can be extremely effective. [...] What’s more, rituals appear to benefit even people who claim not to believe that rituals work."

And that's not even touching the particularly immense boon they are for the neurodivergent or folks with mental illness.

 

[StrayKat]

There are also lots of psychological benefits to following rituals: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-rituals-work/

"Recent research suggests that rituals may be more rational than they appear. Why? Because even simple rituals can be extremely effective. [...] What’s more, rituals appear to benefit even people who claim not to believe that rituals work."

And that's not even touching the particularly immense boon they are for the neurodivergent or folks with mental illness.

Interesting article.
But I still notice the point of "less logical, symbolic behavior".

So while you could argue that me drinking my morning coffee can be labeled as ritual because I (mostly) cook it always the same way; I could say that is because its the fastest and most effective way to make my coffee. I dont even use the same cup all the time, even if I do have the one I prefer but that is just because its the biggest cup in the house.

Those rituals mentioned in the article are completely alien thing for me. I just dont do anything alike. Nor do I think I would personally find any comfort if I started training myself just for the sake of it.

Maybe my life is lacking because of it, but frankly, since I dont *believe* in rituals, I dont think so.

 

[KoPilot]

Interesting article.
But I still notice the point of "less logical, symbolic behavior".

So while you could argue that me drinking my morning coffee can be labeled as ritual because I (mostly) cook it always the same way; I could say that is because its the fastest and most effective way to make my coffee. I dont even use the same cup all the time, even if I do have the one I prefer but that is just because its the biggest cup in the house.

Those rituals mentioned in the article are completely alien thing for me. I just dont do anything alike. Nor do I think I would personally find any comfort if I started training myself just for the sake of it.

Maybe my life is lacking because of it, but frankly, since I dont *believe* in rituals, I dont think so.

Maybe pouring booze at the roots of a tree in the yard is the fastest and most effective way fr me to reconnect with my locality and feel grounded and to exercise mindfulness.

I mean, taking into consideration some of the more ridiculous comments on the article too, I could just as easily say that not having a single ritual in my life (I still don't understand how that could be true-- celebrating a holiday, anniversary, etc, every year, even if it's celebrated differently, is a ritual too) is completely alien and that acting like a robot, seeking only to ever maximize "efficiency", is for the "weak-minded" soul who is afraid to embrace the fact that they're human.

Anyways, the point is to each their own, and blanket statements like "ritual is dumb" rubs me the wrong way.

 

[StrayKat]

Maybe pouring booze at the roots of a tree in the yard is the fastest and most effective way fr me to reconnect with my locality and feel grounded and to exercise mindfulness.

I mean, taking into consideration some of the more ridiculous comments on the article too, I could just as easily say that not having a single ritual in my life (I still don't understand how that could be true-- celebrating a holiday, anniversary, etc, every year, even if it's celebrated differently, is a ritual too) is completely alien and that acting like a robot, seeking only to ever maximize "efficiency", is for the "weak-minded" soul who is afraid to embrace the fact that they're human.

Anyways, the point is to each their own, and blanket statements like "ritual is dumb" rubs me the wrong way.

I dont celebrate anything. Last time I joined family celebration was at my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary 25 years ago (I remember being pregnant with my younger daughter) and I didnt last longer than an hour.

I could say that doing repetitive moves in always the same pattern is more robotic like than just going around doing whatever without any rituals. I dont see anything wrong with being efficient either. It saves the time and energy so I can have more of it for things I find fun.

Please quote where did I say the rituals are dumb? For me rituals are connection with human primitive superstitious past and negate rational thinking and confrontation with oneself. Therefore I am rather placing my fate into the hands of "higher being" than taking control of it myself. I rather soothe my anxiety with mental pacifier than look it in the face and find what caused it. Its a crutch. For me.

I have absolutely nothing against rituals and people who like them, unless they demand I join them and admit the benefits. For me, there are no benefits. For me, it doesnt work. Just like the hypnosis and certain drugs affect my brain exactly zero (what are some physicians/psychiatrists still baffled about).

All that is just my opinion and my point of view, for me its real and valid, for you can be completely false. Like you said, to each their own.

 

[KoPilot]

All that is just my opinion and my point of view, for me its real and valid, for you can be completely false. Like you said, to each their own.

Yup~!

 

[BlondieSinner29]

For the D/s'ers here, I'm just curious. What types of rules and/or rituals do you and your partner have in place (sexual or not)? And what about for being in public or with family members? Do you have private or subtle gestures/rules that keep your dynamic in place in a way that no one vanilla would ever catch onto?

I don't know we just argue alot. We have good sex though. We have problems finding common grounds. We switch it up alot. I prefer the top role, it makes me feel special. I have to get my way, i'm the woman and not to mention blonde. There's nothing worse then a blonde, "Without tattoes!" A beautiful suburban, california looking girl, from austin texas.

You should see the bars in this town. They rock! But some how my b/f is never around when i'm out there getting into trouble.

 

[MeekMe]

^^^Doesn't seem to understand the question.

And what the hell does "there's nothing worse than a blonde "without tattoos" mean?

 

[mcauburn]

edited

 

[IrisAlthea]

Biggest rule is that his pleasure is the most important thing in the world and she should be utterly obedient. There should be enough trust there so that he will never take advantage of this obedience and not push her too hard.

Who are these "she" and "he" of yours?

 

[StrayKat]

Biggest rule is that his pleasure is the most important thing in the world and she should be utterly obedient.

In my world his pleasure is irrelevant unless I feel like pleasing him for whatever reason, what may and may not happen. Who is that "she" you talk about I havent the damnest clue.

 

[KoPilot]

Biggest rule is that his pleasure is the most important thing in the world and she should be utterly obedient. There should be enough trust there so that he will never take advantage of this obedience and not push her too hard.

Good thing I'm a "they" instead of a "she". I'd hate to have to make one tiny thing about his existence the most important thing in my life. Yknow, instead of paying bills and feeling fulfilled on my own terms.

 

[elocin13]

Biggest rule is that his pleasure is the most important thing in the world and she should be utterly obedient. There should be enough trust there so that he will never take advantage of this obedience and not push her too hard.

I don't know if this applies to mcauburn or not, but some slaves and/or Goreans only refer to themselves in the third person. This might be the case?

Clearly a few people jumped in this thread without knowing or caring what the topic is - oh well, it happens.

IMO, there is a bit of distinction between habit and ritual. I get up and make tea every morning, and it's a habit. There's no greater meaning behind it - it's just the way I do it, and it's a regular thing.
To me, a ritual doesn't necessarily have any ties to belief or superstition, either, but is a habit that carries SOME meaning. So, my morning tea is not ritual, but things like a pyl not sitting until the PYL does, or asking permission to go to bed . . . to me, those are rituals because they are more than habits. They reflect something about the relationship and mean something to both parties. I can't remember who mentioned the pre-shower inspections, but I would see that as a ritual, not a habit.

 

[midwestyankee]

When I was in a situation where I could set some expectations and assume that they'd be met, about the only ritual involved how my coffee was served. There were no rules, per se, unless we set a couple for a short time for a fun reason. I do not comprehend why so many people think that it's just not real bdsm unless there are rules and protocols and rituals reeking of 17th century manor master-servant relationships.

 

[Netzach]

Is it purely coincidence that almost all replies are from subs? I am an amateur student of people who has begun to embrace his dominant side of late. Purely a pseudo academic question. I've had relationships with two naturally and acknowledgedly submissive individuals wherein I have genuinely accepted a dominant role. I'm still learning, but each relationship is different and I adjust my behavior based on the subtle differences of my partner. Anyway, I continue to believe, at least in my own existence, that the sub has as much or more control over the relationship as the dom.

Almost all are, but not all. I highly recommend doing what *works* and doing what you *want* and not losing track of all the rest. It's easy to do - lose track of yourself, because so much BDSM how to is geared toward the kind of guy who is charging ahead and NOT thinking about safety and mutuality - but if you're not inclined that way, then you're getting too much advice to subsume your own desires and needs, in my opinion and in my experience.

It's important to respect the limitations of your submissive, but if they have more control over the relationship, then you are not the Dominant, you are a service top. If you want to be the Dominant party, you need to understand your desires. I also adjust certain aspects of my relationships based on the submissive in question, but I don't use "what would she like" as my starting point. I use "this is what I would like. If that makes you excited, then I may have a job for you..." as the basis.

 

[t_platz4]

ritual

I remember being in a cultural anthropology class and was challenged when I asserted that I had no rituals.

My professor was quite right to challenge me. I found that I did indeed have a morning ritual, and drinking coffee was a huge part of it.

Before an honest appraisal, I considered myself quite logical and above such things. But I know believe none of us are.

We all do things that when examined probably don't always follow any particular logic, and perhaps go unnoticed by our own selves. But they do constitute ritual in the same way that a practising catholic might involuntarily make the sign of the cross under times of great stress.

As far as this relates to BDSM, I suppose if I put out paddle or dildo, I'm exhibiting some sort of ritual, as it is a very obvious sign or even just a symbol (if the toys don't get used) that we are about to start some sort of sexual adventure.

 

[DVS]

I remember being in a cultural anthropology class and was challenged when I asserted that I had no rituals.

My professor was quite right to challenge me. I found that I did indeed have a morning ritual, and drinking coffee was a huge part of it.

Before an honest appraisal, I considered myself quite logical and above such things. But I know believe none of us are.

We all do things that when examined probably don't always follow any particular logic, and perhaps go unnoticed by our own selves. But they do constitute ritual in the same way that a practising catholic might involuntarily make the sign of the cross under times of great stress.

As far as this relates to BDSM, I suppose if I put out paddle or dildo, I'm exhibiting some sort of ritual, as it is a very obvious sign or even just a symbol (if the toys don't get used) that we are about to start some sort of sexual adventure.

I like to hide my toys around the room and bring them out only after she's all tied up. It goes along with being devious.

 

[StrayKat]

We all do things that when examined probably don't always follow any particular logic, and perhaps go unnoticed by our own selves. But they do constitute ritual in the same way that a practising catholic might involuntarily make the sign of the cross under times of great stress.

Please dont generalize what "all of us are" or "none of us do". Your opinions are fine, stating something like its the only truth out there just because you think so is not.

 

[leashedbottom]

**_the RULES_**
_1. a slave shall always obey his Master
_2. a slave shall always put his Master's needs first
_3. a slave shall only speak when spoken to and always begin and end every he says with Sir
_4. a slave shall never remove his collar... for any reason, only his Master may do so
_5. a slave shall never cover his body without permission from his Master
_6. a slave shall always make his body available to his Master, to be used as Master sees fit
_7. a slave shall never look his Master in the eye without permission
_8. a slave shall always keep himself smooth
_9. a slave shall never have a closed door between him and his Master
_10. a slave shall never stand to urinate
_11. a slave shall only eat or drink what his Master allows, and only with permission
_12. a slave shall always accept his punishments... they serve to correct his errors
_13. a slave shall be loyal, obedient, courteous and respectful to his Master

These are just a few of the Rules i live by... there are more, like the first and last thing i taste each and every day is His cock...

there are gestures to signal each other... When He pats His thigh it calls me to His side instantly, if He then points down it means to kneel.

If i wish to ask a question or say something i touch my fingertips to my lips then wait for permission, if i am given it... even in public.

i rarely leave the property, but when i do nothing changes, He is still my Master

 

[BabblingBrooke]

In public, we don't display any behaviors that would reveal anything about our sex life. We would appear like any other couple. I do clean up after him, and get his refills, and embrace any opportunity to do for him because I want to.

 

[switchersm]

None

For the D/s'ers here, I'm just curious. What types of rules and/or rituals do you and your partner have in place (sexual or not)? And what about for being in public or with family members? Do you have private or subtle gestures/rules that keep your dynamic in place in a way that no one vanilla would ever catch onto?

We have no rules and live as normal as other couples do. We are not interested to give other people a hint about our sexual life. It is our secret that my wife is my keyholder. she doesn't wear the key in public.

 

[draig_OMalley2]

keep it loose

My Ms and I have been in a D/s relationship for years. In regard to rules and rituals, we have found that if such things get to rigid, they start to wear on the relationship instead of enhancing it. We learned that very quickly. Our relationship changes over time, sometimes quite radically. One rule we maintain is to keep open communication, talking things over at least once a month to find out what is bothering either of us. Although I am the sub in this relationship, we have equal billing during these discussions because the relationship is more important to us than either of our own perspectives. We see ourselves as explorers, after all, not prisoners of the situation. We invent rituals, then modify them, sometimes dump them, only to bring them back later for a while, etc. Sometimes we will invent a pattern of rules/rituals for just an evening, or a weekend, or whatever suits our fancy. In other words, you have to keep it loose to have it be real. For us, D/s is part of sex, which is part of love, which happens to be what we feel for each other.