Rules for a Gentleman in 2025

[GuiltyCowboy]

Oh, good, the one thing that might unite everyone is "Bacon should not be eaten raw." I can get behind that.

Unity is an illusion, I'm sorry to report: the Dutch often eat bacon raw.

 

[Levorotatory]

Is that true of all the simple courtesies?
Does opening the door into the restaurant imply she can't do it?
If you pick up the tab at dinner with a friend, does it imply he couldn't afford it?

One of the other rules was

17. Hold the door when it makes sense. This is no longer gender-specific; it’s simply the right thing to do.

Which I completely agree with. If you get to a door and you know someone following close behind you needs to go through the same door, pausing to hold it open until they get to it rather than letting it close in their face is the courteous thing to do. If there is a bunch of traffic at a door, holding it open from the outside while the traffic clears rather than becoming part of the traffic is the courteous thing to do. I don't see how that applies when you need to go through one door and the person with you needs to go through a different door though.

Paying for an outing is a bit more complicated. If you are well off and want to go to a specific place that might not fit your friend's or date's budget, you should offer to pay. If someone is hesitant about agreeing to do something with you, there is nothing wrong with offering to pay if you think that might be the issue. If someone invites you to something you don't think you can afford, you should bring that up before agreeing to go. Otherwise everyone paying for themselves should be default.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

One of the other rules was

Which I completely agree with. If you get to a door and you know someone following close behind you needs to go through the same door, pausing to hold it open until they get to it rather than letting it close in their face is the courteous thing to do. If there is a bunch of traffic at a door, holding it open from the outside while the traffic clears rather than becoming part of the traffic is the courteous thing to do. I don't see how that applies when you need to go through one door and the person with you needs to go through a different door though.

Paying for an outing is a bit more complicated. If you are well off and want to go to a specific place that might not fit your friend's or date's budget, you should offer to pay. If someone is hesitant about agreeing to do something with you, there is nothing wrong with offering to pay if you think that might be the issue. If someone invites you to something you don't think you can afford, you should bring that up before agreeing to go. Otherwise everyone paying for themselves should be default.

My point was that holding the door doesn't imply that the other person can't, it's simply courteous.
Opening the car door is merely courteous, it doesn't imply that the other person can't.
There is also the aspect of safety. You are ensuring your partner is safely in the car before you see to yourself. Similar to walking her to the door at the end of a date.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

33. The age gap rule for adults used to be that men shouldn’t date below “half your age plus seven.” We like half your age plus 10. (Hey, nothing’s inflation-proof.) We can call this “the gentleman’s age gap.” And no, your metabolic age doesn’t count.

Nuts!

The original version of this particular idea used to be that the  IDEAL age for a gentleman's love interest was half plus seven. At some point that got misquoted as the minimum and now it seems that those of the 'just a number' persuasion are being ostracised even further.

If you framed this as a rule for who women could date it would be taken completely differently.

 

[Levorotatory]

My point was that holding the door doesn't imply that the other person can't, it's simply courteous.
Opening the car door is merely courteous, it doesn't imply that the other person can't.
There is also the aspect of safety. You are ensuring your partner is safely in the car before you see to yourself. Similar to walking her to the door at the end of a date.

Perhaps my history is coloring my view a bit. I didn't have a driver's license until I was 25 and engaged, and since then my wife signalling whether she wants to drive or she wants me do drive by getting into the car on the appropriate side has been normal. Either of us opening the passenger door for the other and then walking around to the other side would just be weird.

 

[Levorotatory]

33. The age gap rule for adults used to be that men shouldn’t date below “half your age plus seven.” We like half your age plus 10. (Hey, nothing’s inflation-proof.) We can call this “the gentleman’s age gap.” And no, your metabolic age doesn’t count.

Nuts!

The original version of this particular idea used to be that the  IDEAL age for a gentleman's love interest was half plus seven. At some point that got misquoted as the minimum and now it seems that those of the 'just a number' persuasion are being ostracised even further.

Definitely nuts. That rule suggests an 18 year old woman is too young for an 18 year old man, but a 35 year old woman isn't too young for a 50 year old man. Clearly absurd.

A non gender specific 20% rule would make more sense - younger person's age times 1.2 should be equal to or greater than older person's age. An 18 year old's range would be 15-22. A 50 year old's range would be 42-60.

 

[TheWorldBuilder]

That is an extremely narrow constraint. Why should there be any consideration of age (except the legal ones) in a relationship, if two people love each other and there is absolutely no coercion involved?

 

[SimonDoom]

33. The age gap rule for adults used to be that men shouldn’t date below “half your age plus seven.” We like half your age plus 10. (Hey, nothing’s inflation-proof.) We can call this “the gentleman’s age gap.” And no, your metabolic age doesn’t count.

Nuts!

The original version of this particular idea used to be that the  IDEAL age for a gentleman's love interest was half plus seven. At some point that got misquoted as the minimum and now it seems that those of the 'just a number' persuasion are being ostracised even further.

This rule seems rather silly and arbitrary to me, if we're dealing with consenting adults. Not that I've ever tested it, or am likely to. I've only ever dated women who are within my age range.

 

[EmmAgain]

Definitely nuts. That rule suggests an 18 year old woman is too young for an 18 year old man, but a 35 year old woman isn't too young for a 50 year old man. Clearly absurd.

A non gender specific 20% rule would make more sense - younger person's age times 1.2 should be equal to or greater than older person's age. An 18 year old's range would be 15-22. A 50 year old's range would be 42-60.

Hard pass from me. My age plus three or four years is pretty much my limit. There have been spontaneous exceptions at swingers’ meets and a single, painful sugar daddy arrangement, but otherwise none of this ‘age is just a number’ stuff.

 

[Statius]

Comes from a time of high infant mortality, low birth rates, and women not surviving the birthing process. Generally speaking. And of course patriarchal shenanigans

 

[Baztrachian]

In Australia shoes-on is the norm

Which is quite sensible in regions where deadly things skitter around on the floor all the time.

 

[Bramblethorn]

33. The age gap rule for adults used to be that men shouldn’t date below “half your age plus seven.” We like half your age plus 10. (Hey, nothing’s inflation-proof.) We can call this “the gentleman’s age gap.” And no, your metabolic age doesn’t count.

Nuts!

The original version of this particular idea used to be that the  IDEAL age for a gentleman's love interest was half plus seven.

Ew.

To be clear: not "ew" for individual age-gap relationships. "Ew" for treating it as something that people should aspire to.

Also, are the women somehow supposed to age half as fast as the men, or are these "gentlemen" just expected to do the diCaprio thing and trade in the girlfriend for a younger model every few years?

At some point that got misquoted as the minimum and now it seems that those of the 'just a number' persuasion are being ostracised even further.

Relationships with a large age gap aren't automatically bad/exploitative/etc. I've been in two that would have violated the "half plus seven" rule, as the younger partner, and I'm still in one of them (though I'm no longer under that line, what with us both aging). I don't regret either of those relationships, and I've seen other age-gap relationships that seem to be healthy.

But anybody who says it's "just a number" is deluding themselves or attempting to delude somebody else. Even between two like-minded people who are doing their best to be good to one another, that kind of age gap creates all sorts of challenges related to wealth, careers, child-raising, health and mortality that can't just be magicked away by the force of True Love. Some may opt to accept those challenges and try to manage them - I did - but they're not trivial and people who pretend they're unimportant are setting themselves up for heartbreak (or perhaps somebody else).

When that age gap is not just a one-off situation but somebody's relationship strategy, that is a red flag. When it's a social norm, that creates a fucked-up society where women are pushed into unequal partnerships and then discarded by their fifties, while younger men are often unable to find a partner at all.

That is an extremely narrow constraint. Why should there be any consideration of age (except the legal ones) in a relationship, if two people love each other and there is absolutely no coercion involved?

I took on the responsibilities of a step-parent while I was still completing my education; by the time I was established enough in my own career to be ready for a child of my own, my partner was too old for another round of parenthood. I will probably be working for a decade after she retires, and it's quite likely I'll survive her by many years. I accepted those things voluntarily, and I'd do it again, but they're not small things and they ought to be taken seriously.

Of course, when people say things like "the ideal age for a gentleman's love interest is half plus seven" or when their dating history suggests that they are intentionally seeking younger partners, obviously they are taking age into consideration and it's reasonable to ask some questions about why they might be so averse to dating people their own age.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

The version of this I've heard (firsthand from someone who was there back in I guess 1950s American suburbia) was that the ideal marriage was between a man who has just graduated college and a woman who has just graduated high school.

So he'd be 22ish and she 18ish, exactly fitting the half plus seven rule. (This person did not mention that rule. I don't think she knew about it. I noticed the coincidence as I was taking this thread.)

Anyway, the idea was that he would have completed his education and secured his job (which he would expect to keep for a long time, if not a lifetime) and she would have completed her (lesser) education and be ready to keep house and bear children.

Also, they were expected to stay together. It would have been quite scandalous for him to trade down to a younger model later. I don't think no fault divorce would even have been available.

 

[dirk2024]

Also, they were expected to stay together. It would have been quite scandalous for him to trade down to a younger model later. I don't think no fault divorce would even have been available.

I guess they didn't have "Loving Wives", Hot Wives or Cuckholds back in the 50's.

 

[alohadave]

I don't think no fault divorce would even have been available.

In the US, California passed the first no fault divorce law in 1970.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

In the US, California passed the first no fault divorce law in 1970.

Before that you had to stash her in Reno for 6 weeks so you could take advantage of Nevada's loose standards.

 

[TheRedChamber]

Also, are the women somehow supposed to age half as fast as the men, or are these "gentlemen" just expected to do the diCaprio thing and trade in the girlfriend for a younger model every few years?

Interesting. I'd always assumed this was a modern rule, maybe workshopped in the darker forums of thr Internet. A quick Google (https://www.dictionary.com/e/slang/half-your-age-plus-seven/) has it originating in 1901 by a Frenchman (it is only by dint of considerable effort on my part that these here parenthesis don't contain a cheeky national sterotyping aside.)

The original is apparently, yes, the ideal not the minimum age of the bride at her wedding. So, no, it's not encouraging discarding her when the numbers dont fit anymore.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

Interesting. I'd always assumed this was a modern rule, maybe workshopped in the darker forums of thr Internet. A quick Google (https://www.dictionary.com/e/slang/half-your-age-plus-seven/) has it originating in 1901 by a Frenchman (it is only by dint of considerable effort on my part that these here parenthesis don't contain a cheeky national sterotyping aside.)

The original is apparently, yes, the ideal not the minimum age of the bride at her wedding. So, no, it's not encouraging discarding her when the numbers dont fit anymore.

And since women mature faster than men, there is a certain logic in that age gap.

 

[TheRedChamber]

I guess they didn't have "Loving Wives", Hot Wives or Cuckholds back in the 50's.

Google 'Marilyn Monroe' You might be surprised.

 

[PennameWombat]

https://www.msn.com/en-us/health/wellness/gq-s-125-rules-for-modern-gentlemen/ar-AA1Nd8QD

Non pay-walled version.

18. Call it old-school, call it charming. But if we’re walking together, the gentleman should take the street side. I’ll be on the inside by the buildings. It’s a quiet sign from you to me that says, “I’ve got you.” —Ava DuVernay

This one is more of a "it depends". The greater threat isn't always from the street side, and there are other considerations. My ex is left handed, so being to his left side means that if something did go wahoney shaped being to his left meant I would interfere with his draw.

In the early 1990s, my first wife and I were wandering around San Francisco, which had its share even then of homeless and/or drugged out individuals sitting along various sidewalks.

In any case, for whatever reason, I was on the inside as we walked along the sidewalk. A woman (whose age was unclear, but could've been forties or fifties) in somewhat ragged clothing and hair was sitting against the wall, in conversation with a seated man next to her. The woman's attention snapped to me and my ex as we went past, and she said in a slightly slurred voice, but with plenty of volume:

"You're supposed to be on the outside!"

 

[PennameWombat]

Probably the single most weirdly ignored or unknown statistic is that the crime rate in the USA has dropped like a rock since 1993. It hasn't done so at a consistent steady rate, but the crime rate today is lower than it was then, or when I grew up in the 1970s and 1980s. You're a lot safer today walking down a New York City street, or taking the subway, than you were in the 1970s. Yet somehow this (easily provable) fact escapes many people, and I've personally found that many people are astounded and incredulous when this is pointed out to them.

I moved to the New York City area (close enough to visit easily, but not actually "in" the city) around the time Bernhard Goetz was in all the headlines. Riding the subways was interesting, they really were more graffiti than metal or plastic, but I never felt threatened. But I was almost always able to avoid late nights and the worst areas of the various boroughs. But reading the newspapers wasn't always that pleasant. Was there to see the "old" Times Square. Not the Disney Times Square.

Over the next few years, I saw various sections of the city. Played soccer in Brooklyn once in an area that was, well, let's just say it was get in, play, get out. But also saw the changes through to the new century.

Then again, did the same in Newberg, although there my limited Spanish came in quite handy and we had good fun. I was playing goalkeeper, and the home team had fans all around the field. A couple of them were behind my goal, making various rude statements at me in Spanish (more humorous rude than threatening rude). I mostly ignored them until I heard "Portero habla Espanol?" (Does the goalie speak Spanish?) I turned around, as the ball was at the far end of the ground, and smiled and said clearly "Si!" They had shocked expressions for a moment, then laughed, but were quieter after that. Fortunately, Newberg's team was playing very poorly and their fans mostly turned on them instead of abusing us .

 

[nice90sguy]

The main lesson I’ve learned from my many relationships is that women are , on the whole slightly shorter than men, and have a hole where the penis should be. Other than that, I’ve failed to find any other useful rules.
And I’ve always assumed the half-your-age-plus-seven thing is not gender-based.
I use courtesy quite aggressively, especially with women who dislike it. I refuse to let women walk on puddles, shoving them quite violently aside until I can get my Burberry off for them.
My current relationship began when I offered to pay for her dinner, even though she was sitting at a table with another guy at the time.

Between the sexes courtesy works both ways , but differently: some basic women’s rules of etiquette that show respect for a man:
• Fart if you want, but never louder than him.
• Remember that men form strong emotional attachments to functional inanimate objects: bring him a mixed bag of assorted screws in exchange for the flowers he brought you. If he hands you a blackhead removal kit or deodorant , try to remember he’s doing his best.
• Let him show his emotions on a first date. Encourage him to cry by talking about his first pet, then tease him for being a big girls blouse when the tears flow . This will put him at ease, because he’s used to ribbing from guys.
• if he insists on driving your car, let him, even if he’s not insured. Don’t give him directions under any circumstances.
.

 

[StillStunned]

My current relationship began when I offered to pay for her dinner, even though she was sitting at a table with another guy at the time.

I only pay for a woman's dinner if she can prove she earns 83% of what I do, *and* if she hasn't bought herself any new shoes that month.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Unity is an illusion, I'm sorry to report: the Dutch often eat bacon raw.

Not the worst thing they've eaten: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johan_de_Witt

 

[Bramblethorn]

The main lesson I’ve learned from my many relationships is that women are , on the whole slightly shorter than men, and have a hole where the penis should be. Other than that, I’ve failed to find any other useful rules.
And I’ve always assumed the half-your-age-plus-seven thing is not gender-based.
I use courtesy quite aggressively, especially with women who dislike it. I refuse to let women walk on puddles, shoving them quite violently aside until I can get my Burberry off for them.
My current relationship began when I offered to pay for her dinner, even though she was sitting at a table with another guy at the time.

Between the sexes courtesy works both ways , but differently: some basic women’s rules of etiquette that show respect for a man:
• Fart if you want, but never louder than him.
• Remember that men form strong emotional attachments to functional inanimate objects: bring him a mixed bag of assorted screws in exchange for the flowers he brought you. If he hands you a blackhead removal kit or deodorant , try to remember he’s doing his best.
• Let him show his emotions on a first date. Encourage him to cry by talking about his first pet, then tease him for being a big girls blouse when the tears flow . This will put him at ease, because he’s used to ribbing from guys.
• if he insists on driving your car, let him, even if he’s not insured. Don’t give him directions under any circumstances.
.

This guy gets it.